"Bring Some Chicken..."

Culture and Ideas class was very weird today. First of all, 2 weeks from now is our last day of class. We are supposed to have a small party during that class to do evaluations and talk about the class overall. The professor passed out a sign-in sheet for the potluck affair. When it was my turn to put something on the list, I drew a blank. I was sitting in the back of the room so by the time the list got to me I was stumped. My classmate next to me says "Just bring some chicken." Now, if she wasn't black, I would have been PISSED! Why? It's just one of those things I have. I have this phobia about eating fried chicken, ribs, or any other stereotypical food in front of white folks. I never do it and I'll be damned if I'm gonna bring fried chicken to a class potluck. I think it all stems from when I was about 7 or 8 and I met my blood brother's next door neighbor, Roy. Roy is an old POW from the Korean War and a native of Tennesse. The day I met him was the day they were supposed to be having a cookout, but it rained or something like that. Well, we were all in the house and Roy says to me "Hey. I hope yer hongry because we got a whole lot of good stuff. Greens, chicken, ribs, hot dogs, watermelon. All that good stuff. Evidently I was siced because for the rest of my life he would remind me of that story and how my eyes got as big as quarters and so on. So, I boycott eating the stereotypical food in public. So I just put a bunch of question marks under my name and asked to be assigned to bring something.

The other thing was a comparison of certain things in Hamlet to some of the stories in the New Testament. The professor gave note as to how some of the things that were done were very similar to what happened to Jesus. Wow. The Christian folk didn't dig that at all. My thing was, listen to what dude is saying and at least make an attempt to look at the writings in the Bible at face value. No one denounced Jesus, it was just an observation. I made a semi-joke in there and said "Well, when Shakepeare wrote this he was probably working on the rough draft of the King James version of the Bible as well so he just wanted to save time." That lightened the tension but man! I hope he never does that in a classroom again. As a matter of fact, when I took him in the summer this one woman dropped the class and it probably had a lot to do with his asectular views. Crazy man.

Special Note: Don't worry ladies, I haven't forgotten about the comments I got from the last post. That rebuttal and defense of the boo-tay will be posted in ther very near future.

Aight, y'all. Here goes....

Seems like I'm not the only one feeling Vivica for the WW role. So......if you have cell phone and about 5 minutes, call (310) 288-8000. That'll get you in touch with her agent's office and they will ask you a couple questions. Who knows? It may make a weird, demented type of difference.

I'm so bitter today. Today was supposed to be a laid back day but instead I spent 2 hours of it on the highway trying to get to DC. That's fucked up. I wasn't even going to work man.

Random Observations:

Taking a nap in the sunlight (direct or indirect) is great.
When did young brothas start skate boarding? Why didn't I get the memo?
Where do I boogers come from?
If YOU were just award a doctorate from a prestigious institution, wouldn't you be jumping around all over the place as if it were the Price Is Right?
As a husband, why am I always wrong? Ain't I suppose to get an annual pass or something?
Today would be a great day to be at a beer festival.
Who the hell wears an FBI baseball cap if they ain't in the FBI?
I've seen 2.....count 'em.....2 white women with nice rumps. That's got to be a record.

I Can Be Such A Loser....

2:34 p.m.
Here are the important things going on in my life right now that need to be taken care of either continuously or expeditiously:
1.) Studying. Always.
2.) Applying and registering at UMUC for summer classes. tick tick tick tick tick tick tick.....
3.) calling my debitors so that they won't drag my ass to jail.
4.) looking for another job

But NOOOOOOOOO! Instead, I make a phone call based on the silly conversation we had at the party yesterday about Wonder Woman. Yea, we were talking about Wonder Woman and I interjectered that Vivica Fox would be a great Wonder Woman. The fact that she's black puts a cool spin on it (Can you imagine Wonder Woman flying in her invisible jet rockin' som Lil' John. Tight!), she has that vuluptuous body like Linda Carter, and she has some noteriety so she could sell the movie a bit. I actually talked to one of her agents on the phone. (?????) Man, the shit I seem to start...

My Weekend

Good afternoon, Blog Family. Hope y'all enjoyed your respective weekends. I did. Very busy as usual. Friday I was in "fuck e'rybody" mode. As soon as I got off work, I headed home and dozed off. When I woke up, I just hung around the house doing absolutely nothing. Damn it was great.

Saturday I drove to B-more and got chewed out by the E-wife. No prob....weekly occurance. Unfortunate for her she was cut short as I found out my son had a baseball game at 8:30 in the damn morning. No, they didn't win, nor did they loose. Its teeball, everyone gets to hit and run around the bases like a damn jackass. **sigh** What's the point? These kids get their hands held WAY too much for my liking. At that same age group, my coach would be screaming on my ass about playing my position the right way and keeping my hat on my head etc. Now it's like "It's ok, Little Jonny, you can dig in your nose and play in the dirt while the ball is in play. Maybe we should get you a helmet to wear in the field so your noodle doesn't get knocked....."
After that the child bathed and I took him to the barbershop. Usually I like to sit around and chit chat and I'll end up there for a couple hours. Not this Saturday. I went to the good but less established barber and shorty was outta there in about an hour. I then dropped him off at his aunt's so that I could join my Database study group. (exciting, huh?) And due to daddy duty, I missed out on a party where I was told "not to bring sand to the beach".

Sunday we ended up at a party for my cousin's birthday. She turned 30 and what was cool was she asked all of us 30-somethings what we learned in our 20's. It was interesting to hear everyone's responses. Mine was "I learned that I can't always put myself 1st. " As much as I glorify my embracing of self , its important to put those children 1st; especially as a black man (proof again that I am a dicotomy of self). The party was a lot of fun and lots of funny things were said all the way around. The highlight of the party was when my cousin's co-worker's girlfriend walked in. Che-walli-walli! She looked like a taller, slighty more ethnic version of Leah Remini. Prettier too. She is a teacher....shit! I KNOW I wouldn't get a damn thing done if she were my teacher.
After we left it was time for Cub Scouts. THANK YOU GOD IT WAS THE LAST MEETING! We sang some REALLY silly songs. One of which was supposed to be sang in a German accent describing one's Top-Knocker (head), Sweaten-Sviper (forehead), Tooten-Honker (nose), Soup-Strainer (upper lip), Mouthen-Somethingornother (mouth), Chin-Strapper (chin), Rubber-Necker (neck), and Chest-Protector (chest).
**sigh** I do it for the kids man....
All in all, we found out that the kids loved scouting and wanted more camping trips. So, thats what's up for next season.

I'd like to give a shout out to a new Blogger.com member, Paula. Give her some love, she's mad cool.

As for today, nothing much going on. I'm having a bad deoderant day and the kids are hip. By the end if the day I'll have a new nickname I'm sure.

KeyLolo Update (Friday): Scandalously sexy. One of those Black pancho looking things, white shirt short enough to expose the belly button ring, and tight white capris. White open toed, heeled sandals.

KeyLolo Update: White, tight Bebe long sleeve, tight jean capris, and pair of Pro Keds. When I had my little confrontation Thursday, she had to kick those heels off and go bare-footed. Maybe she was anticipating some action today. Damn I hope not.

"You're fired."

Yup, last night I got fired. Not from my job, but as the webmaster for my parent's company website. Mom told me I was too far behind on updating things. That's fine because yes, I try to be a dad, an employee, and a student everyday. It is hard adding company webmaster to that as well. But that's not what fucked me up. What got me was her having the audacity to ask after she told me that she wanted to find a replacement for me: "Can you show me how to update the website so I can do it in the meantime?"
Huh? You say what? Ok, this is coming from a woman who doesn't know what HTML means or what its supposed to do, doesn't know what Dreamweaver, doesn't know what a tiled jpg is, or what the hell FTP is. I said. "No. By the time I show you how to do it, I could have done it myself. Just find your person and I will give them all the info and settings they need."

This is how my night ended after my professor fucked me over on grading 2 of my quizzes, sitting in traffic for an hour and 45 minutes, and having a 15 year old jump in my face telling me I have him "fucked up" (heated, pissed off). The last item was over something trivial; I asked him to be quiet while one of the adults were talking. He ignored me. Then he refused. Then he screamed on me.....can't have that.

KeyLolo Update (yesterday): Black and white. Black Bebe top, tight white pants and white sandals. Sans undies. Mmm mm mmm

The Dumbest Question of The Day For The Entire Planet Earth

I don't think there could be a dumber question that was ever asked yesterday. I'm not smart enough to listen to NPR and follow it, and the Gemini in me HATES redundancy so I have a tendency to listen to sports radio off and on. Then morning I was listening to the Mike and Mike Show on ESPN and one Mike mentioned that he had a convo with the cafeteria manager yesterday.
DumDum: Did they choose a new pope yet?
Mike: Yes, he's a German. 76 years old.
DumDum: Oh!! Is he Catholic?
Mike: **pause** I think that was the only prerequisite.


That damn Jamie Foxx. First he nails Ray Charles in a movie portrayal, then he wins an Oscar (automatic $25 mill. a flic paycheck), and now THIS!! The rumors are they have actually sparked something, or she is politicking with him to get him to star in a movie that she is currently writing and producing. Either way, its win-win. Isn't that how Puff hooked up with Jennifer Lopez? One a series of business dinners? Damn, Jamie....you is NIIICE! When you winning, you just winning. I am jealous, but I ain't hatin'. He's come a long way and so many people are proud of his accomplishments.

This day is starting out nicely. Both KeyLolo and HourGlass are looking lovely today. Strange though, HourGlass just finished demonstrated the Mermaid move she learned in belly dancing class. KeyLolo's response: "Oh. You paid money to learn that?"



**FIGHT ALERT**
I was in a meeting with the mentoring teacher and came into the hallway after a fight had just been broken up. Apparently one of the school's big mouth/bully strolled into a classroom late and starting beefing with another student, 50 Cent's younger brother. (well, he does at least LOOK like him) And as is the case with most bully's, 50 commenced to whipping Big Mouth's ass. Tsk tsk. From what I heard the teacher wasn't in a hurry to break up the fight either. And Big Mouth's eye is all banged up. They even considered calling an ambulance.

KeyLolo Update: All white. Looking like a Clorox commercial. Opps...my fault. She has on some jean capris and a white summer hoodie.

And I Thought I Was a Loser

...So I'm finishing up making my empanadas (great recipes for these on www.allrecipes.com) and decide that I want to get my drink on. So I get into the car and hit the all night liquor store. Check THIS shit out....
The guy working behind the counter is obvious a grad of MITS (Mobile Intermediary Teriary School) with the teeth that looked like a broken, crooked ass fence, dangling Marlboro from the mouth, and the "Cat" baseball cap he "inherited" (read "swiped") from his grandfather. He is annoying the shit out of a man standing in from of me.
Loser: Wow, you don't look nothin' like your age. You a old fella!
Man: Yeah, I get cared every time I go somewhere.
Loser: You see there? That's a compliment. You outta tip me for that one.
Man: yeah. Thanks.
Loser: You see, people don't get compliments like that everyday.
Man: Its alright though. Maybe one of these days I won't get carded.
Loser: **opening up register** Yup. I know I deserve a tip for THAT compliment.
Man: **accepting change** Ok, thanks. Have a good night
**I step up to the register**
Loser: Oh, I ain't even gonna bother checking your ID. You must be a OLD man!
Me: So I've been told.
Loser: Naw. You don't look that old. $4.37
Me: **I pull out a 5 and look in my pocket for change**
Loser: Aww! you might as well give me that 5 and let me keep the change for tip!
Me: This guy is annoying like shit. Let me get the hell outta here. **handing him the 5**
Loser: **punching in the register**
Me: Dude, keep it.
Loser: Why thank you sir! You are a gentleman and a scholar!
Me: yeah, aight.

KeyLolo Update: Ms Lolo has been on hiatus the past couple days. Says her son had an "ear infection". Wink wink. Shit....his ass is like 14, how he gonna get an ear infection????

Just kidding. Ok....Very conservative today, black jacket (one that actually fits nicely, not there for subtlety), green top, TIGHT black and grey plaid capris, and some cotton white Keds. Hmmmm....she has a tattoo on the outside of her calf. It has 2 hands in the gesture of prayer. Very good....

My Bad!

Ever meet one of those guys who whenever you talk to him he's either looking at your tits or the tits of some woman walking by? Yeah, that guy would be me. Man, I just can't help it! I'm so damn hetero! And I love boobies!! I don't see how a man can turn down someone like Vida WhatsHerName or in my case Ms. HourGlass to get at another ding-a-ling! Damn, I mean, you can play with your own, why in the fuck would you want to play with someone else's????

"Come here, honey. Let's rub beards."
Ish.

Sorry, I digress. So I'm eating lunch with HourGlass and she has on this tight black dress with a lacy top. And the lacy top was PERFECT for the new tits. These pubescent boys went nuts and with good reason. "Damn I wish I was like 30 or 27 or somethin'." was the quote d'jour today.
The phone rings. Its PrettyPussy(Cat).
PrettyPussy(Cat): Hey you. What's going on? You busy?
Me: oh no. Just eating.
PrettyPussy(Cat): Oh. Whatcha eating?
wow....everytime she bends over the desk, her tits grace the top. damn.
Me: Huh? Oh...uh...a chicken **gulp** breast sandwich.
PrettyPussy(Cat): Oh. I'm eating a ham and cheese. I didn't have the money to......
OMG...I wish she would stop stretching! Those tits are just hangin' there; defying gravity and shit! MMMM! oh uh....convo...
Me: What did you say?
PrettyPussy(Cat): I said I should be done later this evening.
Me: Oh, with your brother?
mmmm...if only that top would hike up a tad bit more
PrettyPussy(Cat): Uh...no. With the lawyer. I just told you that.
Me: Oh. My bad. I'm still eating.
**sandwich had BEEN gone**
PrettyPussy(Cat): I see. You know what, I'm gonna let you go. Maybe you'll talk more when you don't have company. **in Spanish** If you were in your office, no one would bother you.
impressive. Everytime she laughs, they jiggle like real tits...
Me: Oh, ok. Entiendo.
PrettyPussy(Cat): Do you? Want me to say it in English so you understand?
Me: Well, sure. I think I got it though.
**she repeats**
PrettyPussy(Cat): Call me when you are by yourself. I want your attention, not HALF of the attention you taking from whoever in there with you.
Me: Well, ok. Can I call you when I get on the highway?
PrettyPussy(Cat): yeah. whatever.
click
Even through the phone I could see the eye roll. Sorry PrettyPussy(Cat). Maybe one day I'll grow up and be asexual. **hug**

"A Camping We Will Go...."

Sike.

That's right. I said "sike". The camping trip was cancelled due to unseasonal temperatures and high winds. Some people bravely put up their tents, but it was for naught. The wind would just beat it until the tent collapsed to the ground. And of course, no one told the BROTHER that it was cancelled until I got down there. Hmmm.....fancy THAT shit.

My son and I got there around 11:30. Not too long of a ride, just over 2.5 hours. I pay my $10, find the campsite thats damn near abandoned outside of some serious extremists. Luckily, I saw one of the other Den Leaders and he informed about everyone leaving to go back home. He offered to let us hang with them as long as we liked since they were lucky enough to get his mother's RV. I wasn't going take them up on their offer because that conversation between he and I at that moment had been the longest convo we'd ever had. However, my son was like "COOL!" Its funny how as a child the slightest things amuse you such as sitting in an RV. So we sat in there to warm up after coming off of the beach. Of course, it was a lot of small talk because like I said, I didn't know them. In fact, it was the 1st time I had ever met his wife and I just happened to meet his mom as well. Interesting things I learned about him and his peeps:

His ancestory is German, not Italian. Krachk or something like that. One of those names that reads like it sounds but you think "Damn, I KNOW it can't be pronounced like that!"

It costs $600 in gas round-trip to go to Ohio in an RV.

They have 3 kids not 2.

My son likes to play with toy guns.

My son is a master of the embellishment by over-stating periods of time in the form of "long, long, LONG time".

They have a 8 year old retriever name Riley. Arthritic.

Mom and grandma ain't the best of friends. Not enemies, but they ain't going on no shopping sprees either.

So after a cup of hot cocoa, we decided to take advantage of the wind by flying a kite. Too easy. That's how rough that wind was. He had the kite in the air in about 30 seconds with the string so tight you could have played "Dust in The Wind" on it. (Hey! A metaphor! I must be NICE!) The Krachks were so sweet. They offered us lunch but to me that was going too far because I doubt they were thinking about making enough for a whole lot of people. So we rolled out to Subway. Before I get on the topic of the workers at Subway, Let's talk about Assateague for a minute. Ideally, you figure its a beautiful place full of horses grazing and swatting their tails and if you're lucky you'll get a glimpse of a few. Uh, maybe half of that is true. There are no natural predators of the horses on the island so horses are everywhere. In fact, a small herd...no, 2 small herds were right near the RV. Like within a few feet. The biggest issue to me was the prevalent presence of turds. Turds stacked high, turds stacked low. Turds blown over the sand from their short or high stacks. And to put the exclamation point on it, there were port-a-potties at the campsites. And me in all my profound wisedom decided to use one. Need I say more? I should have pissed in the woods...

So we get to the Subway and there are 3 workers there. All of them young Russian (or some Slavic language) girls. I've always been skeptical of Russian immigrants because I hear so many stories. We all know that some of the women get over here and are sold off to prostitution or to get a hurt-ting American husband who they will dog. The other reason I hear is that they are either in the Russian mafia or work for it. I know this sounds silly, but I believe that shit too. Wanna know why? Because a long time ago I used to live in one of the worst neighborhoods in B-more (Looked like this one...without the boarded up windows of course. Wasn't living that trife!). Usually when I tried to get a cab to the house it was an issue. "Oh, I'm off duty." "I don't go to the west side." But the Russian kats? Shiiiit. They'll take your ass to the other side of hell as long as you got the fare. It was so wild because I'd tell the address with one foot out of the cab waiting for the white man to say no but I hear the Russian accent answer "Ok. I take you." No fear whatsoever. And don't give me that shit about they ain't privy to the hood. They know! They be knowing!

Anyway, I'm apprehensive in the Subway because in the back of my mind I'm waiting for the deal to go down. Everytime I hear them say something to each other in Russian, my eye is on the door for the kat in the long black coat and big fur hat. Waiting to pull my son and myself under a table or something for protection from the flying bullets.
Ain't I silly?

Antithesis

I used to read comic books all the time as a pre-teen. There was this one cartoon by Marvel called "What If..?" It would take different instances in the comic world and do a "what if" type scenario to it; like "What if Spider-Man decided to quit?" Stuff like that. Well here's one; what if Sidney Portier decided to accepted roles that were less dignified? I don't know why I was thinking of this, but who in the acting world would be the antithesis of Sidney Portier? Black man from another country who went the OTHER way as far as acting. One who took whatever role just for the paycheck. Hmmmmm....can't think of anyone. First I thought of Robert Guillame because of "Soap" , but he DID go on to become the mayor in "Benson", right? I'll figure it out.

Today is the anniversary of Jackie Robinson joining the Brooklyn Dodgers. For those that don't know about him, he was a 5 sport super athlete with brains to boot. The big point is that he wasn't even the best Negro League player at the time but he had the best retrospect of what he was doing and how important it was. Not on the basis of sports. Sports is entertainment. What he exemplied was black men having the capabilty to do and accomplish the same things white men do and accomplish. He set the precident for that and today we honor Mr. Robinson for that.

There have been no KeyLolo updates because she has been out for the past 2 days. Yeah, the last time she was out and we called her, she was at Hooters.

Lite Day II

this entry is unedited. Please forgive the syntax and grammatical errors.

Le Yawn....what a boring day. We had a long ass staff meeting yesterday about duty posts and what the hell people are supposed to be doing. Now it seems we've gotten it under control; this week. Drove for like 4 hours yesterday running around doing errands. Today might be similar. It Best Buy, drop off laptop, drop off W2 (yes, JUST getting to that even though I get a return), cram, take a quiz. Study after class for tomorrow's class. This weekend we go camping at Assateague. A full weekend. Woo hoo.


**sigh**

let me see, what else am I thinking about. OH! This past weekend I hung out with the Castellian.
She and I took
a long walk
along the park
after dark.
found a spot
for us to spark
conversation
verbal elation
stimulation.

hehehee....I know only a few of y'all got that, but hang in there; you'll catch on. We got to talking about weird things that we didnt know about each others' genders. I forgot what I told her, but damn if I didn't know that some women have hair on their backs, but in the weird way.

Castellian: Yeah man! Some women have hair on their backs. But not like men. It goes from their asses to the middle of the back **contorting to point** See here? Yeah, it goes up there. Dude, it looks like a cat died on their back.

I, of course, made a skeptical of myself laughing. (another insider. Click here for Tonya Harding vs. Dan Patrick.)
Me: DAYUM!! Why don't they shave??
Castellian: Dude...I don't know. And I'm telling you, anytime you have a woman with the thick hair on the face...what is that called again?
Me: Sideburns
Castellian: **laughing** Yea. When you those sideburns, dude, those are the women with all of the hair. I'm telling you! Its nasty fucking shit man!

That girl is a nut.


And why was Tupac is entralled with Niccolo Machiavelli? I'm reading about him for a class and I am not impressed in the least. The guy was a wuss who TALKED about kicking ass. Did he ever go into battle to kick the ass? No. He theorized on the what, why and how, but that's about it. He delegated. Yeah, I can see me in HIS muh fucken army.....

"Citizens! We have come forth today to take what may soon be rightfully ours. Our enemies lie ahead, obstructing our dominance of this entire continent. Let us go forth and desimate those who stand before us! Let the world that our country is worthy to lead all others!!"
**cheers**
"I'll see y'all when you get back."

Politicians. Got all the answers, none of the backbone.

KeyLolo Update: Rather tame. Red short shirt (Bebe of course) and TIGHT jeans. Matching tennis shoes; white with a red stripe and a blue stripe.

Lite Day

man....some are you are so prolific with your blogging I haven't even READ what you've written. Twisty, ThatGirl; I can't keep up.

But...what you all wait for; the KeyLolo Update. Today is a black and white sweatsuit by Bebe. Tight all over; like a big ass sock. Except for the jacket. That's white with black going down the sides and somewhat under the breasts. Matching pants white on black. Sans draws.

Antropology & Society

I know you all get tired of my racial observation, but I need help here my friendly readers. The topic, Spain. I was talking to someone from Spain this weekend. She (and she may be an oddball case) but I don't think she considers herself Caucasian. That's strange, because if I'm not mistaken the Moors moved out of Spain about 600 years ago. So their "Negroid" genetic make-up is minimal....I would assume. Shit, I don't know. Someone help me out.

Ok! On a lighter note, I had another odd convo with Glueman. No, it wasn't odd, it waw was funny as shit.

**Mid-day, in line at the Arby's**

Gluman: **laughing**
Me: wassup?
Glueman: Yo man, what would happen if when you nutted it lasted for a minute and a half?
Me: **laughing** WHAT?? You buggin'!
Glueman: I'm sayin' though! What would happen??
Me: Man...I bet you'd be screaming your BALLS off!
**next I lean back and softly scream in my best "Black or White" Micheal Jackson video imitation**
Glueman: Yeah, and I bet you be spent like a muh fucka too!
Me: **laughing** Aww man, you crazy as shit. That would be some serious shit, son!
Glueman: What's the longest time you ever bust one?
Me: Oh...about 30 seconds.
Glueman: Lying muh fucka. You ain't done 30 seconds shit!
Me: Aight...I'm just lying. But for real, one time it had to be at least 20 seconds.
Glueman: hehehehe.....and you was spent like shit, weren't you?
Me: Muh fucka I was DONE. I was no good for the rest of the night.

KeyLolo Update:

Alright! Time to start the week off right, right?
White off the shoulder mid-rift blouse. TIGHT yellow pants with black tangas...or au natural, I think tanga though. White high heeled but flat open-toed sandals.

Just Another Day In Prince George's County Schools

During the course of my day, I've had to put the fear of God into 2 students and break up some ruckus in the hallway....5 different girls, 3 different issues.
3 different girls were beefing about a boy ready to fight
1 was mad about being in a particular class
the other was trying to stab a boy with a pencil for squeezing her butt

All of this happened at exactly the same time in the hallway.

I love my job....I want to DIE HERE!!!

And in the job search. **sigh** That's off the hook too.

Check this out.....why come I cant get a job because of my credit? Remember the lady that called me last week and I was over qualified? Yeah....she called me again, found a job with a great fit and all....

HER: how's your credit?
ME **laughing** It sucks. I've been unemployed for over a year. ALL of the credit cards and stuff are behind.
HER: Oh. This is a financial institution, so its a conflict of interest for someone with bad credit to work there.
ME: hey, its whatever.....

Aint that some shit? I'm genuinely starting to believe that this woman does not like me.

KeyLolo Update: Bebe....THAT's what's up. Tight and short Bebe shirt, Bebe belt, and TIGHT blue jeans. (no back pockets....huh?) High top Reeboks.

Yeah....that's right! I be busy!

And lazy too! I've been on the run all weekend spending all kinds of money I do not have. Typical idiot on payday, right? I think I have $0.96 in my account.

Why do we fall? I mean, not metaphorically and shit, I mean for real for real. Why do we fall? Sure, we all trip on things and loose our balance, but isn't there an age where your ass just STOPS being clumsy?
Evidently not. I have a friend who busted her ass in the worst way. She was mad as shit at first (I guess through embarrassment) and later everyone was laughing about her ass being sprawled out on the sidewalk of Hell's Kitchen. Hehhehehe
Here are some of my most favorite fall stories:

Glueman has a great government job. He has a surprising amount of perks given he works for the government. He is very proud of his accomplishments and was especially proud when he first got started. He got the opportunity to wear the crisp suits, the nice cell phone, etc. One post-icestorm day he was getting out of his government issue car in one of the worst neighborhoods in B-more. Where he was going, I don't know. Maybe to one of the Korean owned Lake Trout joints in the area (which is a blog entry in of itself). He got out of the car, adjusted the collar of his black wool trench, locked the door, took a step, then.....

"Woa!!!"

Flat on his flat ass. You see, he was so busy trying to act like he was on New York Undercover, he busted his ass on ice coated cement. He wasn't hurt, only his pride.


A woman I used to date was telling me about her experience when she was a teenager. She and her girls were going out. She was upstairs and talking shit to one of her girls downstairs. "Bitch, you must trippin'! You...."
And down the stairs she tumbled. One high heel went one way, the other went another. Her cute little "I'm almost a woman" outfit twisted up her back as she rolled, tumbled and "ugh"-ed down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, she could just moan and look up to find everyone in the house huddled around her in awe and with stupid looks on their faces. After the obligatory 30 second wait to see if she was ok, everyone commenced to tear jerking laughter.


And of course, MY fall story. I was going to the gym in the dead of winter. Early in the morning, snow on the ground from a recent storm. I was anted up, had the Under Armour rocking, basketball shorts, silky hair tie for the dreds everything matching; I not only felt good, but I looked good too. I walked out of the house; it couldn't have been more than 35 degrees outside. I was carrying my work clothes over my shoulder carefully to the car. I baby stepped down the slight incline of the frontyard to the driveway with little effort. Placed the clothes in the back seat, no problem. On the second trip, this time I had my gym bag in my hand. Same effort to get down the incline, but.......

...somehow or another I lost my footing and fell hard to the ground. My fall was acompanied by a "Ugh!" a la Charlie Brown. The worst part was I fell so hard that I ended up sliding UNDER the car. And even worse than that, I slid trying to get up. All the cool points gone for the day. Couldn't even get my swole on good because I hurt my damn arm.

To stay on that subject, why is it that as you get older, you end up hurting yourself worse trying NOT to fall? I mean, there have been so many times where I trip, and it would be so much easier to fall and take it then to try and catch something to hold my big ass up or pull a muscle trying to do twists and turn mid-air that I haven't been able to do since 3rd grade. That leads me to my next point: Why is it that when we fall we have a tendency to yell something? And why is it that that something gets more religious as we get older? Think about it for a second.

Thought about it? Ok, I'll demonstrate on Glueman since we grew up together:

Glueman @ 7 falling**no noise**
Glueman @ 12 falling: Whoa!
Glueman @ 22 falling:Oh shit....
Glueman @ 32 falling:Whoa..whoa....WHOA!!!
Glueman @ 40 falling:Uh oh....oh God...
Glueman @ 58 falling:Oh Lawd He'p me Jesus!

Strange is life....life is strange.

Hey y'all

Sorry, no catchy title today. Its still early. So far so good too. Although I do get one of my mid-terms back today. Not looking forward to that. Had a slight spat with the e-wife. Nothing major, just enough to get on your nerves though. Then I find out that the grad program I wanted to attend got squashed. Now I have to settle for my #2 or #3 choices, both of which may as me to take supplemental classes. Great.


KeyLo-Lo Update: Even though its only been a week, I've forgotten how good that onion looks in tight pants. Green was the color today, like a pastel type color. Green off the shoulder sweater (low cut for some reason), TIGHT green capris with a difficult to describe pattern; there are pink and yellows in it and the material looks like a burlap-type thing...I dunno. The there are the high heeled green, jeweled sandals. Toe nails a perfect match for the pink in the pants.

what is that noise?

Oh God. That is my stomach. Churning the Chocolate Lucky Charms I had yesterday morning thru my intestines.....

Damn. I gotta take a shit.

I don't mean to be gross, but it beez like that sometimes. Its a bodily function that we all do, however, I have a real psychosymatic problem with it. I get REALLY self-conscious about having to take a dump outside of a place of comfort. I can't go to a public bathroom because 1.) its gross and I don't have any familiarity with the previous ass that sat there 2.) I get self-conscious about my potential bodily sounds and odors that may be emitted. One time I couldn't hold it and sat in what I thought was a secluded area of the building and took care of business. Right in the middle of my, uh....session, somebody walked in and non-chelantly said "Hmmm. Stinks in here." And walked out. I was so embarrasssed. Right there on the bowl I prayed that he didn't recognize my shoes or belt buckle.

Anyway, so today I face that dilemma again. And I work at a middle school with extra-immature kids. That's the LAST thing I need from them "Mr Kojak was in the bathroom takin' a shit y'all!" I'm in a panic. Take some breaths. Yeah. That works. Can't fart...could be deadly.

Damn! Gotta go. BRB....

Whew! I am so proud of myself. I got over my issue and did the damn thing. I'll leave out the gory details, but I will tell what I end up doing. This is how pathetic I am with this phobia:

I couldn't take it anymore. I just had to go. I actually considered going out way in the woods with some toilet paper and a shovel. I passed on that. I decided to go to the IIS (In School Suspension) Room. The room is secluded and no kids had been taken there yet (which was a miracle in itself). I ran to find the custodian, Mr. StupidMuthaFuckas. No, he's not stupid but thats how he references the students 9 times outta 10. I asked him for some toilet paper and without expression, he walked over to the janitor's closet and handed me a roll. I tucked the roll under my sweatshirt and jogged down the hall. I jogged instead of walked because I knew that if I sat there longer than 10 mins, it was going to be trouble. Therefore, I agitated my contents with a short jog.
Today was my day. There was no one in there so I ran in and quickly shut the door. I hooked the toilet seat up and sat. Oh shit! No lock on the door!! I was about to stand back up and relocate, but my intestines told me otherwise. I sat back down, leaned forward, and held the door tight with my fingertips. Now, keep in mind I'm a "thinker on the can" type man. Its not unusual for me to sit there for 20-40 minutes. Shiiiiiiiiit. Not today! I was outta there in 7.
Later in the hallway I saw Mr. StupidMuthaFuckas.
Me: Hey Mr. S. Thanks for the hook up earlier.
Mr S: Saved your life huh? **laughing**
Me: Man....you just don't know!
**both laugh**


KeyLo-Lo Update: No update today. Ms HourGlass (and her new huge tits) told me she wasn't coming in.

Meanwhile, at the optometrist's office.....

I’m sitting in my mom’s optometrist’s office. Of course, they play the obligatory easy listening favorites. Yuck. I think the main reason I don’t like this music is because it has little to know character or niche. If it was distinguishable, I’d give it some respect. But uh…no. So as I sit here playing solitaire (there is no wireless network in the building) I will compose a list of Songs that Suck:

Songs That Suck:
Gloria Estephan’s “Turn The Beat Around”
I didn’t realize how bad of a singer she is until I heard this song. She’d be better singing tone def shit like country music. It’s also why she’s better Cubana singer; you can mask a bad voice with plenty of horns and congos.

Uh…ok. Now the DJ is trying to gain cool points by playing Barry White’s “My First, My Last, My Everything”. Unfortunately, this is probably his gayest song and is always on the rotation on stations like this. Therefore, it sucks by default.

Oh…My….GOD. Allah be merciful! There actually exists a remake of the Chi-Lites “You Make Me Feel Brand New”?????? I ain’t even know! Shit, I wish I didn’t….

Damn. Elton John’s “Sad Songs Say So Much”.
They reach into your room….whoa oh oh OH!
Just breeze and a gentle touch
When all hope is gone
You know sad songs say so much.
Damn I hate that chorus. Elton should have retired after he had the gay affair with Mick Jagger. He could have opened an art and fart gallery to auction off all of his 70’s sunglasses. Now THAT’S some lucrative mutha fucken shit!

80’s Smokie Robinson and my 2nd least favorite song from him in that era, “Cruisin’”. As long as they don’t play “Being With You.” That one helps me only when I’m constipated.

Oh course! Oh course!! How the hell could I sit in a doctor’s office without hearing Jimmy Buffet’s “Margaritaville??? Whoo hoo! Life is good! Damn good!


Oh yes, and there are the obligatory “dust ‘em offs”. So far I’ve heard Andy Gibb “Your Everything” and The Temptations “Just My Imagination”. Again, the stations really sucks there is no way to play music from 5 decades enjoyable. Nicheless and non-charismatic. To add insult to injury, they don’t even play the entire song!


And this woman next to me. Strange. The periodic glance in my direction, if I give her the “I see your ass looking at me so I’m gonna give you the ‘I don’t know you, but I know that you are acknowledging my presence is a weird way’” smile. No response. I say “hi”. No response. Then wtf you keep looking at me for? You can’t see my “imprint” because I have the laptop on my lap. My hair is done so you can’t say my shit is busted. I put Dollar Store chapstick on my lips so I wouldn’t do the Malik Yoba. WTF is you looking at then? I hate to sound vain (uh…no I don’t) but I think she got the fever and I look like the stereotypical black man she wouldn’t mind being man-handled by. One clue is that she isn’t tapping her foot to that fucken Jimmy Buffet song. Uh oh, now she is…no. She stopped. Whew! And she has a certain air about her, can’t put my finger on it. She ain’t frumpy? The outfit? (It’s conservatively befitting. Highlights her better attributes, but those attributes are ones that we brothers would like. I would assume that a white woman with a big butt who is not attracted to black men would try to downplay her onion.)

Or she could be just bored.

Ok, this is gonna be trife, but here goes. What is up with the handicapped these days? Am I wrong or is it that there are more obese wheelchair bound people now than let’s say 10 or 15 years ago? Is it because the handicapped back then played wheelchair-based sports more? Is it that most of them adapted to being alone therefore keeping them small because of the strength they’d have to exert without the assistance of their legs? Man, lately, I’ve seen wheelchairs for fat asses. Like, like…how you can get a trailer in a double-wide. Shit, do you even NEED a trailer? And then a double-wide at that. How is does that convo with the doctor go?

Doc: Yes, Mrs Simms. We need to get you a new wheelchair. However, its going to cost you an extra $200 because you have a fat ass.
I don’t want to sound insensitive because its not funny that anyone is handicapped. But whoa. Just like when I was in the super market a year or so ago; there was this younger kat riding around in one of house complimentary powered shopping carts. Poor cart. I heard it coming a mile away because his fat ass was so fat it was folding over and under the damn armrests. And damn that cart was strugglin’! All you could hear was “sseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” and it was going about half the speed they usually go. Trife.

KeyLo-Lo Updates

I've gotten a couple of complaints on the lack of KeyLo-Lo Outfit Updates. Please see the comments from "Ghetto Language Thesis"for Wednesday's outfit. Tuesday, the outfit was springtime giddy. A pink blouse, low-cut, a long khaki yet tight around the onion skirt, high heel sandals. And of course, it wouldn't be KeyLo-Lo if there wasn't some off-th-hookness in there. The coup de grace....a tiny tiny jean jacket for uh....subtlety. I even asked her "Hey...when you giving your daughter back her jean jacket?" She sucked her teeth and said "Naw, she be borrow stuff from me! I don't know what the hell YOU talking about!" That's my girl!

As far as today? They saw that my complexion was reminiscent of Toby so they worked my black ass. We hauled computers and monitors up the stairs. The teachers had an inservice today and the principal treated them all to some Popeye's chicken. I wasnt really feeling the chicken but one of the teachers (I'll call him Dubious Smurf....he's a straight cynic) made me feel bad.
DB: Hey man, you gonna join us in the cafeteria?
me: naw, man. I wasn't in the inservice so I'll just go get my own lunch.
DB: Oh its like that huh? WEll fuck ya then. Act like you too good to eat with the rest of us folks.
Me: Man, go 'head with that.

So on the way out, the door, I did a u-turn and went to the cafeteria and joined the crew. I'm a heavy hitter when it comes to food so I got 2 pieces of chicken and a little bit of beans and rice (in which someone had eaten most of the rice out of. Reminded me of e-wife. one of her annoying little habits.) , and sat down. I have habit of going back for seconds instead of loading my plate down. When I looked to get another piece, the chicken was gone and guess who ate the last piece? Yeah, Dubious Smurf himself. Here he was ASKING me to join the crew and HE ate the last piece even though he had already had about 3 or 4 already. Greedy bastard. So I got my sorry ass up and strolled over to Burger Sling. Kangaroo meant is good this time of year.

KeyLo-Lo Outfit of the Day: None. No, she didnt come to work assed out naked, she didnt have to come in today. But she did have her daughter come pick up her check.

Ghetto Language Thesis

Its time for another one of my thesis-es. (damn, will anyone EVER tell me how to pluralize the word "thesis"? This is the 2nd time I asked y'all!) Let us discuss the phenomena of sub-cultured American language. First of all, we do not speak English in this country. We speak American. There are many words in the American language that either aren't in the English language or have been altered for the comforts of the American tongue. As in other previously colonized lands by Great Britain, the English language has been modified (or bastardized if you ask the Brits) by the occupants. Thus, throughout this discussion, I will refer to what is commonly refered to as the English language will be referred to as American for the purposes of clarity.

Because of the very diverse population of our country, there are many different sub-dialects of American. Most of those dialects are regionalized such as the Cajun dialect or the Gullah dialect in South Carolina. However, with new, non-regionalized immigration that has occurred in the past 20 years, there poses a potential for American to be enhanced based on race. Latinos make up the vast majority of immigrants to the United States. For most of these immigrants, English is the second language to them. When one speaks a language to them that is not native to them there lies the possibilty for grammatical and syntactical errors during speech. For the purposes of brevity and continuity, we will exmine the phenomena of the "S" Additon. The "S" Addition is when a speaker adds an "s" to the end of various worlds. For example, if you have a latino friend who is not only 1st or 2nd generation but also lives in what is kindly called an "underserved community", he may ask you "Do you have any beers?" Now, slang-wise there is nothing wrong this sentence. However, technically when one refers to beer in the plural (as in 1 kind of beer in some form of bulk) the term to use is "beer", not "beers". A more notable example one where we may hear a domestic worker refer to childeren in the plural form. For example "Mrs Myers (pronounced 'my-jers') have 3 childrens." Note the pluralization of "children".

The most fascinating thing about this phenomenon is that this same aberation of American occurs in the "underserved community" of Blacks as well. It is most prevalent in the Mid-Atlantic region of the country. I can vouch for this as a Baltimore (Beeeee-MORE!!) resident. For example, last week I was walking through the parking lot of the Giant grocery store. I black man approached me and asked "hey Big Bro (pronounced 'brugh', rhyming with 'duh'), you going into the Giants?" As you can see, not only is this done in the Black community, it is also done in a a sense that is completely random as in this instance where the "S" Addition was applied to a proper noun as opposed to an improper noun.

Are these 2 sub-culture instances of the "S" Addition correlated? If so, how are they? The only correlation is that both instances are derived from underserved community members. When you live in a place like that, grammer is of less importance than making life comfortable for oneself. This usually involves attempting to make money as quickly as possible as opposed to investing time and effort into education to make substanstially more after recieving a certification or degree. In other words, the small picture always looks better than the big picture such as getting a part-time job at the car repair shop instead of taking a night class.

In conclusion, this is how slang is created and established. When a group of people uses language syntax that is different from the norm, the American language is modified and enhanced. So the next time someone tells you that you look better when your hairs are shaved, simply thank them for the comments, go to the Rite Aids and purchase some shaving creams.

Black Men vs. White Men

Congratulate me.....I've gotten over a 1000 hits. Meaning? Not a damn thing; just that I check the counter on this site WAY too much.

Please pardon my grammatical and spelling errors as I don't have a whole lot of time to to blog to percision. TG...how you doin', giiirl?

Let's see. Let me see if I can summarize what's gone on since I've last blogged. Friday I got my first real check even though its chicken feed. Hey, it was better than the used chicken feed I was getting before.

KeyLo-Lo Outfit of the Day for Monday: low cut white blouse, tan jacket. (A real jacket, not one for being subtle) Long (hey! past the knees and er'thing!), matching skirt. Tight around the ass **smile** Now, even though the dress code was sent out in the email to teachers and staff, she is STILL KeyLo-Lo so she had to have SOMETHING off the chain. How about white, high heel stilletto boots?

I was supposed to be studying this weekend but I ain't study shit. Went out on Friday And Sat. Friday I was out with...let's call her The Castelian. Went to eat and laugh. It was fun. I don't know whether its the accent or the mannerisms, but every other sentence she has me laughing. Sat., me and the Glueman went out. First we went to a restaurant/lounge where the drinks put us on our asses. We ordered chicken wings just to sober up. They had a live band as well. Decent band but I wasnt feeling the lead singer. She was cool until she sang Jill Scott's "Is This The Way". First of all, you can't sing that song w/o background singers of which she had not. Secondly (and my sistas out there will understand this), its not a sound to song to be "sanged" i.e. a song that u can sing with improv and extra skills. She tried all of this, and neither Glueman or myself were feeling it. We decided to leave to go to our favorite strip club instead. We get down there, struggled to find a parking space (yes, there is a night life in B-more. Who knew?), and started walked. Before we got to our street, Glueman stopped and said "Hey, let's check out this Hustler spot. I want to see what its like in there." "Alright." I replied.
So we go in there. Come to find out that there is a cover of $15 a head for the place. Now, I'm not used to paying a cover, but Glueman has been to spots where you had to pay to get in that were off the chain. So as I stepped back, he stepped forward. "Don't worry, I got this." he said and proceed to pay for my cover. Cool.
We step in, and its a beautiful spot. lofts that are lit around the base, black lacquer bars, and red and black chairs with wheels on them so that you can slide your ass all over the place. They also had an emcee. "Uh oh.." I thought. "This is a white boy spot..."
Why do I say that? Because all of the strip clubs I've ever been to that had an emcee were always prodominantly white patrons and strippers. Nothing wrong with that except that the strippers are usually too bony for my tastes and the sistas or other minorities that strip there usually have that same physique. Not THAT....hurts your feelings.
Sure enough, narr'a ass chics. No seductive poses or booty shaking. As a matter of fact, the deal was for guys to pick out a girl they like for a lap dance. The stage dance was lame as hell; girls were just twirling around the pole looking up at the ceiling, at the floor. The best part was them climbing up these 20 ft poles and sliding upside down and stopping mid-pole. Yippee. Our comments?
"Man, that bitch been up there 10 minutes and STILL got clothes on!"
"What the fuck is she looking at up there?"
"Her ass looks like a long ass back."
"This is some straight garbage, sun."

So, $30 broke-er, We left. That was the first time either of us had ever left a club without giving up the loot. " Man, that was some ol' bullshit!" He yelled on the way out. "Let's go to the real joint."
We went into the coverless, preppy white guy-less strip club. At this club, if you came in with a flat ass the only good you are to the spot is to mop and vacuum the floors and THAT is only when the place is closed! I spent about $20 and so did Glueman.

So why is it that I can go into a damn near dive, slip pass a soon to be fight, and have a good time? Becauuuuse I can go to a brotha strip club, sit at the bar; hear 50 Cent instead of Motley Crue's old ass; have a phat caramel delight rascal (PCDR) bend over, shake her ass about a foot in front of me and smack it to persuade me to insert my tithe and offering. I can be in here in the middle of a luke warm beer and get a tap on the shoulder from a PCDR or maybe even a phat laitte rascal (PLR) asking me if I want to buy her a drink; code word for timed lap dance. I'm such a sucker for those! Now, why white guys can't go for that I don't know. They would rather have a woman shaped like their pubicent little brother leading them around by the hand for a lap dance that includes her calling his name out as if he were getting boned. Chile please.


Ok...I've lost my flow because I was writing this at 2 this afternoon and it is now 11:20. Sorry.

Oh! Here's what I forgot:
Dumbest comment of the day: I was at the Ross
buying a shirt when this old lady came up to the
counter. The man working the counter said "Ma'am,
there is a line over there for your purchases. And
she said "But I'm not buying anything. Do I have to
stand in line of I'm not buying anything?" The man
said "Uh....no." But I'm sure he wanted to say
"then what the fuck you standing here for????" It
was too funny.

Popularity

I see that I've lost my popularity. My hits have fallen off like whoa. I guess I need to write more thesises. (How the hell do you spell the plural of "thesis"?) Also because I've been so busy lately as well. Its school and work. Nothing else. Well, nothing that I'm going to share with most of you. **smile** I can tell you one thing. There IS one thing we can talk about. The farce of spring break. Man, I've only have one really good spring break, and my ass wasn't even in school. Me and some co-workers decided to go to the Bahamas for a long weekend. Man, we had a blast! No one got laid though. THat was odd. We were down there with the U of TN and those chics were bananas.

OH SHIT!! I just found out that my pay is f^*&ing PRORATED for 0ver 12 months because I'm a 10 month employee. You know what means? I'm still broke! Hatin' life man.....

**sigh**

KeyLo-Lo Outfit of the Day: capri jeans, loose on the legs, tight everywhere else. White low-cut blouse white a pink jacket. Oh.....PINK, stilletto boots. pink SUEDE, stilletto boots.
Uh....yeah.

Note: I met who presume was her oldest daughter. Odd, daughter was slightly on the homely side considering her lavishly, stripper-pole dressed mother.

Outfit for The Day

Key-LoLo Outfit of the Day: very conservative (for her at least. ) Khaki colored linen-ish pant suit with white top. Discovery: Tongue ring.

We need to put this chic on a stripper pole, right?

Did you just fart?

Here at work there is a phenomena that I didn't know existed in typical office space. That is the Code of The Fart. I've always worked in office corporate office spaces where space is of high value. Peopled are cubicled for efficiency and managers are in offices with large glass windows. I don't know if these windows are for them to see what's going on on the office floor, or for you to walk by their enclosed space and stare at them like violent monkeys at the zoo. "Oh look, Little Johnny. Look at this one. Its call a Carl Mungro. Look how he picks his nose after he eats his lunch...."
Anyway, I'm digressing. Here at the school, office space has not become a high commodity yet. Offices are scattered throughout the school and most people (except teachers) have their own office. Now, what has ME buggin' out is the fact that these occupants feel it is ok to cut their ass in the office. I guess it IS ok, but damn! Don't somebody else gotta come in there and smell your festering ass? What type shit is that? And hey! Let's not be prejudice; that goes for the ladies as well. Seems like no one's office around here is safe. I'm considering writing a memo about the corporate Code of Fart. "If one has flatulence, he/she must remove themselves from the working office area and proceed to pollute either the restroom or an unoccupied storage space." It needs work, but I remember when I worked in a cube I tried to remove myself because the shit would linger, n'yamean? Man!


Key-LoLo Outfit of the Day: With pant suit. high heel boots, lime green Bebe Sport shirt, tight. The tits are screaming for help. "Give us free! Give us FREE!" Either no panties or invisible thongs. I need to go take another look :-)

Outfit of the Day (Yesterday): Lime green off the shoulder sweater, very snug white slacks.

You know, what REALLY fucks me up about the outfits she wears is that she has to have a pair of handcuffs on her person at all times. So fellas, imagine ever day seeing this PRWR (phat, 'round the way rascal) everyday in these outfits, AND a pair of handcuffs spanking the top of her onion-like ass everytime she walks. Someone hand me a napkin please.....

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

Odd. I can't believe I keep forgetting to blog this so I'm going to do it now. This instance happened some time ago and I feel bad for not blogging it.

One day me, the principal and the program director were in the principal's office. The program director is only 3 years from retiring so I asked him "what are you going to do as your retirement job? You are too much of a work-a-holic to sit at home and do nothing."
PD: I just want a part-time job working for the airlines doing customer service.
Me: Huh? Are you kidding? That sounds kinda stressful to me. Why would you want to do that?
PD: Because I can get free or discounted airfare. When the job is bugging me, I just say 'oh! I'm out. Let me hop on a plane somewhere.
Princ. and I: OH!
Me: Well, when I grow up, I want to own and work in a record store. No one will have to know I own it, I'll just be the old guy who goes around talking to everybody in the store about music.
Princ.: I know this sounds crazy, but as MY retirement job, I don't want to have any real responsibilities or deal with anyone on a deep level. I want the classic old guy job.
PD: What's that?
Princ.: Hot dog vendor at football and baseball games. I would just walk around with my carrying tray "Hot dogs, hot dogs! Get your fresh hot dogs!"
**all laugh, then look at each other in nodding approval, then disperse**

To my readers, what do YOU want to be when you grow up? I.E. your retirement job. You HAVE to have a retirement, unfortunately. Social Security is damn near bankrupt, We Generation X'ers suck at saving money, and worst of all, we've been programmed to be workaholics. Hit me back with your answer in the comments.

"...just do the damn chicken."

Alright! Did everyone have a great weekend? Good cause mine was a bit to be desired. We won't get into that here.

I DID watch Dateline about Pastor Benny. I'm sorry, but to me that is straight comedy! If you saw those poor people falling out after receiving the "laying of the hands". One man was all about the histrionics; he got the holy ghost and jumped back like the Matrix. Man, I was too thru. And I can laugh because my grandmother used to always get into those television evangelists. She was smart about it though; she'd watch and would RARELY send money, but she would make SURE that Reverend Ike would give her the lucky blessed numbers for the lottery.

Hmm.....TG. How you doing today girl? So you look like Marlo Thomas huh? Then you must be a PHYNE ASS white girl! Hehehhehe. I don't have much luck with white women....well, except for that time with me and Jennifer Anniston. But we won't talk about that....

So...what does "just do the damn chicken" mean? Well, my co-worker and I were having a discussion about people wanting to run the show even though they only have one or 2 assignments. There is a security guard here who ALWAYS has something to say about how somebody else ain't doing there job. I was sharing a story about that with one of my co-workers (I forgot the nickname I gave him) and he told me a story:
"Man, that sounds like this chic I used to work with. She worked in the cafeteria and overheard some other teachers talking about some shit I had done. She pulled me up about it talkin' 'bout 'Oh...I heard you was doing so-and-so. What's that all about? Ain't you supposed to be working with that woman or something?'
Man, I looked up at her and said 'Bitch, just do the goddam chicken and shut the fuck up' and walked out. I made SURE I had my food though first, bro 'cause I didn't want her fucking with my shit.'

Ever since I've adopted that phrase. I'm a little tamer with it though. When I was studying this weekend, my study partner was commenting on something and I told her 'Just do the damn chicken and mind you'ren.' It's actually good advice to apply to yourself. When you see someone fucken up at work and you want to say something to someone just tell yourself 'Self, just do the damn chicken.'

KeyLo-Lo oufit of the day: George Bush Conservative. Well, for her ass it is. Long sleeve pink stripped shirt, snug (not tight) pink slacks. Sound str8? I ain't finished...Black tanga. Le Wow.

Blogging Moments of the Week

Tues 2/28 We have a new co-worker in town. I can't seem to come up with a name for her because I want to be descriptive, yet I want to be accurate. How do I do this...let's see....ok, Let's say you mixed Lil' Kim with her look and ghetto-fab persona, Alicia Keys with her voice, braids, and glasses, and added about 4 more inches in height. THAT, is the new chic. Today's outfit is black tight pants and a form-fitting shirt. Let's give her a name after one of my favorite Martin characters; KeyLo-Lo


Wed. 3/1 I saw a colleague in the hallway. Now, let me give you a little background info. Everyone here is pretty much new, however, all of them started thru orientation at the same time. I wasn't part of that crew so I'm the outsider looking in. So they would do things together that excluded me like get the faggy Starbucks, go get drinks after work, and so on. I've forced my way in. I've even gone so far as to give AwwHellNo a note during class saying "Uh huh. And where's MY damn Starbucks?" Slowly, I've come into that circle but its too late. Looks like the circle is breaking up. Anyway, I see D-Money coming down the hallway carrying a Starbucks tray. And of course, since the last time my line worked so well on AwwHellNo (she busted out laughing in class), I figured I'd used it again. "Yeah....yeah! Whe.....where, where MY Starbucks at? Why I aint got no Starbucks? Huh? HUH?"
"Here boy! NOW what you got to say?"
"Uh....Thanks?"
"Yeah, speechless aren't you?"
"Yeah, actually I am. Thanks D-Money. Feeling small right about now."
"Uh huh" **laughing and walking away**
KeyLo-Lo Outfit of the Day: Angrily tight pink pants and top.

Kids jonin' on my sweater...called me sweet because it was a v-neck. **sigh**


Thurs. 3/2

I go to the Bojangle's (local chicken joint chain in a predominantly Black county....go figure) to get me some breakfast. I order my food, and there is a brother behind me in line. I get my coffee straighted out (which tasted like bull piss) and before I finish, he says "hey man, your food ready." "thanks." I replied. "Just as long as you don't eat it and shit. My feelings would be straight up hurt. Its too EARLY in the mo'ning to be fightin' a mu fucka. I'd probably just be mad the rest of the day." He cracked up.

KeyLo-Lo Outfit of the Day: THIS will get your ass fired at most places, tight jean capris, stiletto boots, tight low-cut Bebe tee (with a tiny jean jacket for subtlety.)
Kids were jonin' on my pants....said they looked ashy. As if I were rolling in flour.

Hitch

Friday I went to see "Hitch" with the fam. I'm not a Will Smith in the least, but this film was watchable. Although predictable, Will Smith and Kevin James had a good comedic chemistry. What really did it for me was the presence of Eva Mendez. Chile please! That girl is FYNE! She can't act shit, but her physique did all the talking; and damnit I was listening!

Some little tidbits from my viewing pleasure:
When we arrived my hyper-son was in 4th gear with no signs of slowing down. While we were looking for somewhere to sit, a gentleman moved his coat so that there would be 3 seats next to each other. Because of the small fry, I sat next to the man. You know, as funny as that movie was, the guy sitting next didn't even laugh. Well, there was one part...there was a scene where Mendez was sitting in front of the tv crying. Now, instead of her crying over some typical romance movie like "Casablanca" or "Reds", she was crying over "Jerry MacGuire". I thought this was funny, but my neighbor found it hilarious. I even pulled him up and said "damn. That was the first time you laughed all movie!"
"But she's crying over Jerry MacGuire! Jerry MacGuire??" and began to laugh some more. At the end of the movie, the cast does a dance scene in like a Soul Train line. There was a part where Will Smith and Eva Mendez were dancing together with her fyne ass self. Evidently, I wasn't the only one who noticed because my neighbor nudged me hard. I said "Dude, I've been bugging thru the WHOLE movie."

Overall, it was a great date movie. The guys will laugh and the girls will go "awww!" Very predictable, but the writers put various changes in the comedic romance formula to keep it interesting. Casting Eva Mendez didn't hurt either. MMM mmm mmmm.

I'm so hurt....

...by life. Sometimes life can be so betraying. The wonderful moments you share with others just to get smacked in the face by circumstances that no one will be able to change. Once a week for 20 weeks I've been working with a group of 30 kids in the projects of Prince George's County. They have been my source for many a beer I've drank, laughs, and even a couple blog entries. You spend that much time with children there are bound to be some form of attachment to them and vice versa. You want it to be an attachment of great things happening in their lives: "Great report card, Monica!" "You got the lead role in the school play? Cool." But Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. There are hurdles and obstacles in the path of growth. If we are lucky, those obstacles happen when we are an age to be resourceful enough to take all things in stride. Unfortunately, some of us are not that blessed. Some of us have to be parents to our parents.
Our program is almost a family affair. We have so many kids because there are a few brother-sister combinations. Yesterday I was told that one of the combos got evicted from their apartment. That blows me. How the fuck you gonna get put out of a Section 8 apartment? The rent is only like $50 a month! The whole situation was fucked up. The rumor was they were put out without notice. I'm sure they were way behind on rent though. Not that they were so poor, its that the parents were so fucked up. They are drug addicts. They decided to consolidate themselves and have 3 adults and 6 children in a goddamn apartment. That's some shit. Now, thier kids are in a shelter and since one of them is close to 12, HE probably will end up in foster care. For those who know me, you know I'm a pretty testosterone driven man. But this situation had a brother choked up for a minute. I guess because of the whole unjustness of the thing. These don't want to do anything but go to school and play. That's it! And now they have to be punished for the stupidity of their parents. And me, I think about the intangibles of the thing. Not the fact that they are in a damn shelter, but "who is going to braid S___e's hair? How is this going to effect D____e? Are T____e's grades going to take a nosedive?"

I apologize for this blog because I know most of you come here for something funny to read. I ain't got nothing for you and even if I did this is so huge that not too much of anything is going to be amusing.

Nasty bastards...

I'm pulling out of my ex's driveway. I see this couple walking down the street. They stop, the woman looks at the man and proceeds to wipe something from his nose. Ish. That's gross enough, but why come after a brief exchange (mostly from him) does she let this mutha fucka BLOWN HIS NOSE INTO HER SLEEVE?!??!?! What type nasty shit is that????

Dirty mutha fuckas......

The Ba-bashop

The black barbershop is a place of gathering news, insight, and services. I can't tell you how many contractors or services I've picked up from going to the barbershop. Its also the place where, believe it or not, the art of the African story telling takes place. The 2 "Barbershop" movies did an ok job of bringing that part of the community to life, but there was much to be desired. Here are some examples that were missed in the movie:
1.) People coming in there always selling some half-ass shit.
2.) Homeless people coming in not begging, but getting as much free shit as they can or use the bathroom before they get run out.
3.) Baby mama drama
4.) waiting an hour for your barber to show up.

Yesterday, a homeless man came in and took a rack of condoms from the community basket. He would have taken more if everyone in the shop wasn't gawking at him. When I saw him outside, he was sitting on the steps of another spot with his legs crossed smoking a cigarette as if he were sitting there waiting on his bitches.

LOL! Oh man that was too funny. Here he is, no house, no job, no gear, and he claimin' more than me!

So I'm sitting in there with Canon the Barber and Phil. I've known Canon for years, cool, slick unreliable yet very reliable brother. I better break that down. Canon is the type who if you say "let's go to the Orioles game. I got the tickets. Call me when you get off work"
"aight"
**crickets chirping**
But if I say something like "Yo, I'm at Penn Station with no ride. I know its snowing and shit, but can you and the Blazer come pick me up?"
"aight"
He may take a while to get there, but he'll be there. Phil I don't know. All I know is that he does contractual jobs for builders. So the 3 of us and a couple others are back in Canon's area. Canon was cutting a head, and I was talking to my son. Canon suddenly lifted his head up:
Canon: Hey nigga, what you gonna do with that?
Phil: what?
Canon: that booga you just flicked outta your nose, niggga. I know you just aint put that on my floor!
Phil: **laughing** Aw man! Go head with that! I ain't dig in my nose!
Canon: Yes you did. you dug, flicked it, then wiped the shit on your pants.
**all laugh**'s
Me: Man, that how they do, Canon. Them kats that work on construction sites and shit...they nasty!
Canon: yeah man!
Phil: Aw there YOU go! Looking like that nigga on the Black Eyed Peas
**all laugh**
Me: aight, aight. But I know that you kats do all kinds of nasty stuff. Like blow your nose no Kleenex and shit. Take a dump in the woods....
Canon: Damn! Phil you get down like that son?
Phil: Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do! I done took a shit in the woods and wipe my ass with leaves.
**all laugh**
Me: Trife. Now how many time you done done that Phil?
Phil: Hey, ain't no shame in having to take a shit. I remember one time I was driving to this party. I had gas like a ma fucka and I kept farting. So I'm driving, bomp..booonp....booomp...bom....
uh oh.
Some got out yo!
**all laughing**
Phil: So I said "oh shit! What I'm gonna do?" Man, I was driving like this! (showed how he was leaning with one ass cheek off of the seat) So I pulled over to the highway, got out, walked over (gingerly)to the woods, pulled my shit down and off, wiped my ass with the draws, threw them into the woods, got back in the car and went to the party.
**all ROLLING now**
Me: Yo! I'm blown! You STILL went to the party?
Canon: Hey Phil! For real, that's how you roll Phil?
Phil: Hey man, I couldn't help it! DOn't even tell me you never did that.
Canon: Hell naw!
Phil: Canon....you ain't never farted and the shit accidently come out?
Canon: I ain't never wiped my ass with the draws I shitted on, naw!
**all laugh**
Me: Yo. You couldn't stop and go to Ross or TJ Maxx to get some draws? Or even go back home?
Phil: Naw man! The party was right down the street and it took me 45 minutes to get there.
Me: And you wasnt going back home?
Phil: Naw!
Me: Well, damn. Was the party any good with your stinkin' ass?
Phil: **laughing** Off the hook son. I took care of it when I got there with some toilet paper and soap.
**I laugh**
Me: Toilet paper and soap, huh? Damn. You a wild boy Phil.
Canon: You nasty mutha fucka! That's just like when you was over my house and took a shit, I didnt have no toilet paper in that back bathroom!
Phil: Oh hell naw! There was toilet paper in there!
Canon: No there wasn't!
Phil: Yes there was! Wasn't no soap, but the toilet paper was there.
Canon: nasty bastard. That's why I don't give you no dap, nigga!
**all laugh**
Me: Damn Phil. And since you work outside, you do that shit at work too, don't you?
Phil: Naw, man. Well....yeah. I had something like that that had happened one time......

To be continued........

I'm still here

Yes, I'm still here. I apologize for the delay, but I don't manage my time well enough to blog every day or every other day. I've even lost my life management flow: bounced some checks this week AND turned in a paper late. This weekend I'm regrouping so wish me luck. I'm also looking for a higher paying job in the county. I like what I'm doing, but I really rather have the cash thank you very much. And thanks for the relocation invite Zulu and Twisty, but damn that! Y'all are too far north!

Let's see, what did y'all miss.....At work, we are loosing the battle. The kids are slowly taking over. We have a principal who does not want to dole out any harsh punishment. There are 5 kids who if we expel would make the school a hell of a lot better. Also, he is a RE-ACTIVE principal and not a PRO-ACTIVE one. Excellent example: On Friday there was a student who got into it with the teacher. The student was removed from class, but was returned to class. Huh? He knew that this particular student has A LOT of problems at home. So instead of re-iterating that no one here perpetuates her problems at home, he just deals with the situation with the teacher and the student. Lunchtime comes and she decides to still act retarded by screaming something to another student. (I'm not going to repeat it because some of you would get offended) Ok, our Crisis Intervention person calls her and tells her to sit at a table near her. That was fine, until the 2 went back and forth and the student made the mistake of calling the staff member a bitch. Now, some of you may not know this, but if you ever call a sista a bitch in provocation, that's an automatic fight; man , woman, or child. This chic was no different. She was sitting next to me with her fine 120 lbs-shapely-self. But all that womanliness went out the window when she jumped up and said "No...NO! You will NOT disrespect ME like that! You hear me? You hear me?? "
student: Get out my face!
HourGlass: I told you you aint gonna be talkin' to ME like that! Cause ain't the one! AND I'm in your face! So what you gonna do, huh? What you gonna do?

MOOOOOP!!!

damn she stole** HourGlass in the the lip. Yes, the principal and I broke up a fight between a student and a staff member. Unfuckingbelievable.

Also in that week, 3 students got 5 days suspension and 1 got expelled. He was so irate that we called the police on him because he threated the bus driver and a staff member. Boston Public ain't got shit on The Valley.

Ah Ha!! I was right! There WAS an office romance going on with OhHellNaw and another teacher. I was just wrong about which teacher. We will call him Rueben because he thats what the kids call him. Yeah, apparently the 2 of them had been hooking up for about a month or so and suddenly it got squashed. Why, I don't know but Rueben has been very stand-offish so I guess he didn't initiate it. The kids even picked up on it asking "Is Rueben going to Chicago with you this weekend?" And all this time I thought it was she and HubbaBubba. Don't worry about a new nickname for him because Friday was his last day. His parents' house burnt down Wed. and he decided to go back and help them out. Now, what the hell HE is going to do I have no idea. Yo! The house is gone! Burneded! What you gonna do, get a hammer and nails and get old school? Man, you just copped out on us. Bitter about that.
Anyway, he was thanked for his services by the kids by getting a bun thrown at him after the malay in the cafeteria, a popcorn fight in the class even though it was his idea to do something nice for the kids on his last day, and 2 kids getting put out of class. **sigh**

**stole: punched

dey fightn', dey fightn' !!

Yup. It was inevitable. 1st fight of the year. The one with the most mouth got his ass kicked. The funny part (if there is one) is that I ran to break it up and one of the teachers was in the midst of it and he had a hold of one of kids' waist instead of his arms. I pulled the teacher off and grabbed the kid. After the dust settled and I was walking down the hallway, one of the kids said "man, why you truck me## ? Slammed me all up against the wall. Man, I'm suing!" I apologized to him profusely.

I went to orientation yesterday. Man, that shit is depressing! Not only does the pay suck, but come to find out that I only get ONE personal day and 4.5 sick days for the year. Oh wait, it gets better. Not only that, but I can't use the personal DAY until I'm off probabtion. How long is probation? Not one month, not 3, not even 6.....
A fucken year.


Oh well. We'll make sure this is temporary. So if any of you know of someone in the B-more area looking for a jack-of-all-trades techie, let me know.
Other notes:

This is primarily for Zulu; and Jenn, I think you may have read this too. Watch what you blog!

Darkness will from now on be referred to as Glueman. I totally forgot about his fascination and skill in dealing with adhesives. Anything that breaks and can't be nailed or screwed together, call the Glueman. 2 stories about that:

I had been spending all of my unemployment checks routinely on earpieces for my cell phone. When I finally find one that works and is comfortable, my clumsy ass steps on it and breaks it. "Hmm. How can I fix this?" No clue. "Who can fix this for me?" **LIGHT BULB!!** The cousin.
Glueman: Wassup yo?
Me: Hey man, can you fix my earpiece for me?
Gluema: Fix it? What's wrong with it?
Me: The part that goes in your ear broke. And since you the Glueman, I figured you'd fix it.
Glueman: **laughing** Oh, Glueman, huh?
Me: Yeah man. Everytime something need pastin', you always got the right kind of pastes and thangs. You nice## with yours!
**both laughing**
Glueman: Alright, bring it thru. I see what I can do.

Worked like a charm until it finally died. The Glueman is nice!

Second story:
My son and I were spending the weekend over Glueman's house. He seemed restless. When the sun went down, he goes "Ride with me".
We get into the car and I ask where we were going. "I need to fix my son's car headlight. I gotta go to the store to get some of my elixirs."
Me: elixirs? What do you mean? A little some-some to drink?
Glueman: No man. My glues! My apoxies!
Me: OH!! **laughing** Elixirs, huh? Very good.
So we get to the auto store and walked around the various aisles...light bulbs, car freshener, windshield wipers...ah! "Here it is. All the gl..."
"Shhhhhh!! I'm concentrating on my formulas." he said while rubbing his chin.
"Hmm...." He started. "If I get this one here, I'll have to combine it with this other apoxy that got extra binding agents. **me snickering** With this other one, I'll have to reinforce it with some tape. What you think?"
"Well, if you...."
"Nevermind. I got this."
So we proceeded to the checkout, and sure enough, 12 hours later, the headlight was good as new. (Uh...except for the small strip of tape in the corner.)
Like I said, Glueman is NICE!



###truck: to run over, rudely push out of the way.
###nice: smoother than smooth, adept in the context of the sentence.

Street Cred

To those who don't know, street cred is street credibility. How much street do you know? Are you street or are you faking? HubbaBubba is getting street cred already. A white man, in a prodominantly black county is going to get street cred by default. First of all, he lives close to work. Ok, what dat mean? Well, we all work in a shady neighborhood. Therefore, he lives in a shady neighborhood. He lives on The Hill; this high-rise on the top of a hill overlooking Branch Ave. He is probably the only sane white person that lives in that building. Instant establishment of street cred. (appalause please). And having the kids in his classroom, he gets to learn all kinds of new slang.

goosing: to mutually stare down a person
swelling: pressed, seemingly desperate

Keep up the good work HubbaBubba! When you get that full street cred, your name will be changed accordingly.

Update: The boys and girls were seperated into gender sections today because of an almost fight Friday. Realize that these kids are about 2 to 3 grades behind in maturity level AND have behavioral issues. Sometimes you have to go backwards to go forward.

"Man, the things you think about sometimes..."

My cousin Darkness and I have some great phone convos. It is typical of us to call each other about the dumbest things. The following is a classic example of of one of those convos.

Me: What's up, Son ? What you claimin' ?
Darkness: Nothing, Son. Chillin'. What's on your mind?
Me: I got a bone to pick with you, brudda.
Darkness: Heheheh..oh yeah? Waassup?
Me: Remember back in the day....uh...you remember Teddy Pendergrass, right?
Darkness: (anticipatory laugh) Yeah?
Me: You remember that song "Turn off the Lights" don't you?
Darkness: (singing) Turn off the lights
And light a candle...
Sure. I remember that song.
Me: Ok. Now, you thought he was pretty cool, right?
Darkness: hehhehhe...I mean....He wasn't no Scoop and Scrap Lover, but yeah, he was aight.
(both laugh)
Me: Well, how come....WAAAY back when when we were over my grandmother's freestylin' (Darkness begins to laugh) y'all laughed when I said that line "rub you down....with soaps and oils" but in that same song by Teddy he says "And let you rub me down with some hot soaps and oils! yeah! YES!"
(both laugh)
Darkneaa: (still laughing) man, you a fool! You was like 14 years old! You ain't know nothing about no hot soaps and oils. He a grown man!
Me: (still laughing) Oh! Good point!
Darkness: I was going to call and ask you something too the other day.
Me: Oh ok.
Darkness: I was sitting at the Bob Evans eating some lunch when out of the blue, this tune comes in my head:
don don DUNT
DUNT dunt da don DUNT
don don don DUNT
da DUNT dunt dunt dunt dunt da don
Me: The theme song to Benson????
Darkness: Yeah. I was was like "damn. I can't remember Benson's last name...what the hell was it??"
Me: Hmmm! I don't remember either now that I think of it.
Darkness: I figured you wouldn't remember. So I called JoJo (his sister) and asked her. She said his name was DuBois.
Me: Oh yeah that's right! Benson DuBois....
Darkness: Mmmm hmmm. Then it dawned on me to ask you how a brother get a french last name?
Me: Oh. He's probably of Haitian decent. They speak Frenchus (yes, I actually said Frenches (french-us)).
Darkness: Oh yea, that's right!
Me: yeah
Darkness: Aight chief. I holla at you.
Me: Aight den. Peace yo'self
Darkness: Peace
(click)

We have some that are a lot better than that and I will ask him if he remembers anymore of them. If so, I'll put another one up.

peace
Me: He could also be of Cameron decent. They speak French as well.

"I was prepared!"

In a previous blog entry (A Little Known Fact), I wrote about having a big tee shirt on. There is a story that goes along with that. Like to hear it, here it go...

Me and Darkness were walking thru B-more's flea market. For you West Coasters thats the equivalent of a swap shop. I forgot what we were looking for, but I know that we always go to the flea market when there is something that we want to buy but don't feel like paying the real money for. And just like on The Block in B-more, there are barkers. An example is one we heard for someone selling dog food. Keep in mind that in B-more accent, "dog" is pronounced "duug"; like "Doug" with a hard u.
"Dog food and cat food! Dog food and cat food! I got the dog food, you need the cat food!
Dog food and cat food! Dog food and cat food! I got the cat food, you need the dog food!"

But the one that is engrained in the brain is the one about being prepared. I wish I would have known this lesson from years back. **rolling eyes**
There was a man-woman team selling big tee shirts. Now, all last summer and most of the year, these huge, arm-covering, long-enough-to-be-a-skirt tee shirts were the thing. If you wore any color besides white or black, you were considered soft. So, these 2 are selling big tee shirts. Good price too.
Man: Big tee shurts! Big tee shurts! 1 fo 10, 2 fo 15! Big tee shurts! Big tee shurts!
Woman: Get them big tee shirts right here! Wear 'em anytime! Last night I wore my big tee shirt, this mo'ning when I woke up, I was prepared!"

Huh?????! Wtf.....How the fu....? What the hell does a big tee shirt have to do with being prepared??? I was blown!

So, ever since then, whenever I'm ready for something, I always say "I got my big tee shirt on. I'm prepared!" And no, I do not and never intend to own or wear a big tee shirt.

Clusterf&$k

I have NO idea how people go thru so much crap to work for a municipality. I work for PG County Schools and I have changed positions. Now, already on file they have my SS #, college transcript, and 3 letters of reccomendation. Why come I have to bring in a copy of my SS card, 3 more letters of recommendation, copy of my drivers license, AND a copy of my gad-damn high school transcript??!? Yes, they have my COLLEGE transcript which 9.9999 times out of 10 proceeds and has the pre-requisite of attending and graduating high school. WTF??? It took me all day to gather that and STILL the bitch wouldn't accept it. Why? Because according to her, I missed the deadline for accepting criteria by 2 hours. I took off a day of work to get all that shit and she still wouldn't take it because of 2 hours delay. Mother bitcher....

2 days ago I got a call from an old friend from high school and beyond. We will call her StopDontDoThat because that's what she told me pretty much everytime I saw her. I told her there is only one of 3 reasons why she was calling me:

1.) She found the Lord and wanted to help me find him.
2.) She selling one of them gad-damn pyramids shits.
3.) She wants some dizzat from way back.

Her reply was "well, you got me because Bible study is every Wednesday and you are welcome to join, and my daughter IS selling Girl Scout cookies so what do you want to order?

Smart-ass. Note there was no reference to the dizzat. Cute.

My ass is hot sitting in this chair. Not because I got a hot ass, but because the middle of it is broken so the only support is on the outside. If I don't sit a certain way, my cheeks get spread therefore making the crack hot. Amazing....why anyone would let something get stuck up their ass is beyond me.

As for my new job....a lot more quieter than the other knucklehead school. I can't see anything interesting happening, but just in case here is the cast of characters:
DMoney- Reading teacher...free-spirit, my personal favortite.

Suge- if you saw this kat on the street and found out he was teaching your children, you would either pull them out of school or applaude. BIG dude, always has a look on his face of "mutha fucka don't you know I kill you???" Perfect for this school. Probably better suited for the high school.

TheseChildren: Every sentence starts off with "These children....". That's all I know about her. Today is her second day here.

Chris-Styles (pronounced 'criss-STALS!') I have never...ever, EVER seen a white man read Jet magazine. Had the magazine flipped all side-ways and shit..."Beauty of the Week, huh?"
"hehehhe....yeah...."

HubbaBubba- The most square peg of the bunch. Likes camping, canoeing, crew, bungying jumping and shit.....the only way that teaching here and any of that other stuff matches is because its adventurous. Buddy-buddy with AwwHellnaw! (to be introduced below) My guess as to be the first to say fuck it and roll out.

WasntMe- The enigma of the bunch. Doesn't mesh well with the others. Probably due to age and experience differences. Very difficult to talk to. You can mention slave-labor in reference to the job, but he will call you on that as to not being an accurate description. Cynical of the system, but not himself. SHould be some good bloggin'

WhatDidHeSay?- Between his accent and soft-spoken tone, he always has to repeat himself. Will end up being the kids doormat, but he from the rough-side of the Earth (Africa) so he can handle it.

AwwHellNaw!- I don't know her that well but our first convo went like this:

Me: Damn. Should I leave that computer here or put it somewhere else?
AwwHellNaw!: You can put it over there...no...leave it right there on the desk because if one of those kids touches that computer, I'm going to be like "what? uh uh! Aww hell no! Sit your butt down touching my stuff!"

more teachers to come as they are trying to fill English and Math assignments.

Abandoned Blogs

I am very happy that I am starting to get some traffic to this site. I'm swelled with pride that people are starting to come to this site just to read me "talking shit". However, I am mad salty at the following bloggers: Blondie, LL, and CaramelCutie. You ladies are making ME look bad because I have you linked on my damn page! Since none of you even come to this site, I can really talk shit about you. Blondie, I TOLD YO ass you wouldn't be a good blogger. Your focus is on so many other things. I was surprised that you didn't get take some of those erotic stories and put it in your blog entry. Real easy.
CaramelCutie....you started off SOOOO strong too! Good stuff. Now you don't blog, read blogs or even write in your journal because its "too much work". If you weren't so busy being a damn pimptress, you MIGHT get something done damnit!
Finally, LL. Girl you is trife. Here go the email she sent me (paraphrased) "That is so cool that you do that! I think I'm going to start one too!" One month and one entry later, not a damn thing new. As a matter of fact, where the hell are you anyway?

So I'm deleting your links. Nothing personal, but why cue people to pages or that are sitting in the Internet graveyard. You 3 are wonderful women, but you're shitty bloggers. Blondie, stick to the stories. CaramelCutie, go to your state office and register your business. Not sure if pimpin' menz is legal in South Carolina, but don't let the tax man take your money. LL, don't even bother. Just send me a message via carrier pigeon or something.

Alright, I'm done.

Peace

Introducing Weepa!

Weepa! is a friend I met 4 years ago on a community website. Stereotypes are a bad thing, but she is without question a stereotypical Nuyorican. She's never been to Puerto Rico, but she has the accent and mannerisms of a boricua who just stepped foot into the JFK concourse from JetBlue's 1273 Flight from San Juan. At the same time, she has the toughness and swagger of a Brooklyn woman born and bred. She is also a strong, loving, and encouraging woman particularly to the ones she holds dear to her heart. Since she is not particularly fond of my birth name, I am affectionately known to her as Ric (Reek). I hadn't talked to her in a while so I called her yesterday. Here is the convo. Feel free to use your Puerto Rican accent freely.

Ric: What's up Boo?? How you been? I haven't talked to you in a minute.

Weepa!: What's up Ric. I been with the ONLY headache all week.

Ric: Oh Boo, I'm sorry to hear that.

Weepa!: Yeah, I'm going to the doctors on Friday. I just haven't felt like being bothered, Ric. Between this fucken headache and this nigga behind me, I just don't feel like being bothered.

Ric: Oh? Who is this?

Weepa!: This nigga I met on (community site). Ric, when I first met him he was cool. Then I gave him my number and he been like bubblegum ever since, shit. He a friend of Lily's and when he around me and her, he don't say shit. But when we chatting or on the phone, he like a little puppy.

Ric: Hehehehe...oh yeah? Where he live?

Weepa!: He lives on the same block, Ric!

Ric: (laughing) What? That's crazy.

Weepa!: Yeah, and this nigga is a trip!

Ric: Sounds like it.

Weepa!: This nigga is a trip. You know me and ShyShy (alias for her daughter) went up to his apartment one day.

Ric: Oh yeah?

Weepa!: Yeah. Ric...we go into his apartment...all Batman.

Ric: (giggling) What?

Weepa!: Yeah man. Front wall, Batman. Back wall, Batman. Side wall, Batman. He got Batman-mobile, Batman plane, Batman whateva. I looked around and said to myself "Que te pasa papito? You a child stuck in a man!"

Ric: (laughing for real now) You lying like shit. For real?

Weepa!: For real, Ric I'm serious! (laugh) The mutha fucka got everything Batman, X-Man, Spawn. He showed me his bedroom. Spawn. Spawn EVERY fucken where! I said oh shit are you for real?? This place is off the hook!

Ric: (crying laughing) Awww! Now I know you lying Boo.

Weepa!: No Ric, I'm serious! Spawn all over the place in his bedroom. I told him "what do you tell your girlfriend? You got a Catgirl suit for her?"

(we both laugh)
Weepa!: This nigga is off the hook. I can't fuck with no shit like that. What do I look like going with some man with X-Manz, Batmanz, and Spawnz all over the place? Shit! Fuuuuuck dat! No thank you! ShyShy was like"Ma. Can we get outta here? This place is close on me."

Ric: (still crying laughing) Oh man! Poor baby. This kat is stuck on 6th grade!

Weepa!: Oh hold on Ric. That was AFTER we came from Toy R Us.

Ric: Oh yeah? Why y'all go there?

Weepa!: I asked him to take me and ShyShy to Toys R Us to get some DVD Now's for her. When we got there, I was looking at the rack for stuff for ShyShy. When I looked over, the whole rack, Ric....the whole rack of Batman shit was gone.

Ric: Huh? What happened?

Weepa!: The mutha fucka put all that shit into the cart! All Batman shit!

Ric: (laughing) Oh shit!

Weepa!: Yeah Ric. That shit came to $99. $99 of Batman shit. I was like what the fuck?

Ric: Oh wow. He sound like he got some issues.

Weepa!: Oh Yeah! (laughing) But that's not all Ric. I told you he been like bubblegum. He been sending me poems and songs and shit.

Ric: Get the fuck outta here, girl.

Weepa!: Yeah Ric.

Next blog entry: Juan writes the songs that makes the whole world sing.......