Thursday, March 24, 2005

KeyLo-Lo Updates

I've gotten a couple of complaints on the lack of KeyLo-Lo Outfit Updates. Please see the comments from "Ghetto Language Thesis"for Wednesday's outfit. Tuesday, the outfit was springtime giddy. A pink blouse, low-cut, a long khaki yet tight around the onion skirt, high heel sandals. And of course, it wouldn't be KeyLo-Lo if there wasn't some off-th-hookness in there. The coup de grace....a tiny tiny jean jacket for uh....subtlety. I even asked her "Hey...when you giving your daughter back her jean jacket?" She sucked her teeth and said "Naw, she be borrow stuff from me! I don't know what the hell YOU talking about!" That's my girl!

As far as today? They saw that my complexion was reminiscent of Toby so they worked my black ass. We hauled computers and monitors up the stairs. The teachers had an inservice today and the principal treated them all to some Popeye's chicken. I wasnt really feeling the chicken but one of the teachers (I'll call him Dubious Smurf....he's a straight cynic) made me feel bad.
DB: Hey man, you gonna join us in the cafeteria?
me: naw, man. I wasn't in the inservice so I'll just go get my own lunch.
DB: Oh its like that huh? WEll fuck ya then. Act like you too good to eat with the rest of us folks.
Me: Man, go 'head with that.

So on the way out, the door, I did a u-turn and went to the cafeteria and joined the crew. I'm a heavy hitter when it comes to food so I got 2 pieces of chicken and a little bit of beans and rice (in which someone had eaten most of the rice out of. Reminded me of e-wife. one of her annoying little habits.) , and sat down. I have habit of going back for seconds instead of loading my plate down. When I looked to get another piece, the chicken was gone and guess who ate the last piece? Yeah, Dubious Smurf himself. Here he was ASKING me to join the crew and HE ate the last piece even though he had already had about 3 or 4 already. Greedy bastard. So I got my sorry ass up and strolled over to Burger Sling. Kangaroo meant is good this time of year.

KeyLo-Lo Outfit of the Day: None. No, she didnt come to work assed out naked, she didnt have to come in today. But she did have her daughter come pick up her check.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Ghetto Language Thesis

Its time for another one of my thesis-es. (damn, will anyone EVER tell me how to pluralize the word "thesis"? This is the 2nd time I asked y'all!) Let us discuss the phenomena of sub-cultured American language. First of all, we do not speak English in this country. We speak American. There are many words in the American language that either aren't in the English language or have been altered for the comforts of the American tongue. As in other previously colonized lands by Great Britain, the English language has been modified (or bastardized if you ask the Brits) by the occupants. Thus, throughout this discussion, I will refer to what is commonly refered to as the English language will be referred to as American for the purposes of clarity.

Because of the very diverse population of our country, there are many different sub-dialects of American. Most of those dialects are regionalized such as the Cajun dialect or the Gullah dialect in South Carolina. However, with new, non-regionalized immigration that has occurred in the past 20 years, there poses a potential for American to be enhanced based on race. Latinos make up the vast majority of immigrants to the United States. For most of these immigrants, English is the second language to them. When one speaks a language to them that is not native to them there lies the possibilty for grammatical and syntactical errors during speech. For the purposes of brevity and continuity, we will exmine the phenomena of the "S" Additon. The "S" Addition is when a speaker adds an "s" to the end of various worlds. For example, if you have a latino friend who is not only 1st or 2nd generation but also lives in what is kindly called an "underserved community", he may ask you "Do you have any beers?" Now, slang-wise there is nothing wrong this sentence. However, technically when one refers to beer in the plural (as in 1 kind of beer in some form of bulk) the term to use is "beer", not "beers". A more notable example one where we may hear a domestic worker refer to childeren in the plural form. For example "Mrs Myers (pronounced 'my-jers') have 3 childrens." Note the pluralization of "children".

The most fascinating thing about this phenomenon is that this same aberation of American occurs in the "underserved community" of Blacks as well. It is most prevalent in the Mid-Atlantic region of the country. I can vouch for this as a Baltimore (Beeeee-MORE!!) resident. For example, last week I was walking through the parking lot of the Giant grocery store. I black man approached me and asked "hey Big Bro (pronounced 'brugh', rhyming with 'duh'), you going into the Giants?" As you can see, not only is this done in the Black community, it is also done in a a sense that is completely random as in this instance where the "S" Addition was applied to a proper noun as opposed to an improper noun.

Are these 2 sub-culture instances of the "S" Addition correlated? If so, how are they? The only correlation is that both instances are derived from underserved community members. When you live in a place like that, grammer is of less importance than making life comfortable for oneself. This usually involves attempting to make money as quickly as possible as opposed to investing time and effort into education to make substanstially more after recieving a certification or degree. In other words, the small picture always looks better than the big picture such as getting a part-time job at the car repair shop instead of taking a night class.

In conclusion, this is how slang is created and established. When a group of people uses language syntax that is different from the norm, the American language is modified and enhanced. So the next time someone tells you that you look better when your hairs are shaved, simply thank them for the comments, go to the Rite Aids and purchase some shaving creams.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Black Men vs. White Men

Congratulate me.....I've gotten over a 1000 hits. Meaning? Not a damn thing; just that I check the counter on this site WAY too much.

Please pardon my grammatical and spelling errors as I don't have a whole lot of time to to blog to percision. you doin', giiirl?

Let's see. Let me see if I can summarize what's gone on since I've last blogged. Friday I got my first real check even though its chicken feed. Hey, it was better than the used chicken feed I was getting before.

KeyLo-Lo Outfit of the Day for Monday: low cut white blouse, tan jacket. (A real jacket, not one for being subtle) Long (hey! past the knees and er'thing!), matching skirt. Tight around the ass **smile** Now, even though the dress code was sent out in the email to teachers and staff, she is STILL KeyLo-Lo so she had to have SOMETHING off the chain. How about white, high heel stilletto boots?

I was supposed to be studying this weekend but I ain't study shit. Went out on Friday And Sat. Friday I was out with...let's call her The Castelian. Went to eat and laugh. It was fun. I don't know whether its the accent or the mannerisms, but every other sentence she has me laughing. Sat., me and the Glueman went out. First we went to a restaurant/lounge where the drinks put us on our asses. We ordered chicken wings just to sober up. They had a live band as well. Decent band but I wasnt feeling the lead singer. She was cool until she sang Jill Scott's "Is This The Way". First of all, you can't sing that song w/o background singers of which she had not. Secondly (and my sistas out there will understand this), its not a sound to song to be "sanged" i.e. a song that u can sing with improv and extra skills. She tried all of this, and neither Glueman or myself were feeling it. We decided to leave to go to our favorite strip club instead. We get down there, struggled to find a parking space (yes, there is a night life in B-more. Who knew?), and started walked. Before we got to our street, Glueman stopped and said "Hey, let's check out this Hustler spot. I want to see what its like in there." "Alright." I replied.
So we go in there. Come to find out that there is a cover of $15 a head for the place. Now, I'm not used to paying a cover, but Glueman has been to spots where you had to pay to get in that were off the chain. So as I stepped back, he stepped forward. "Don't worry, I got this." he said and proceed to pay for my cover. Cool.
We step in, and its a beautiful spot. lofts that are lit around the base, black lacquer bars, and red and black chairs with wheels on them so that you can slide your ass all over the place. They also had an emcee. "Uh oh.." I thought. "This is a white boy spot..."
Why do I say that? Because all of the strip clubs I've ever been to that had an emcee were always prodominantly white patrons and strippers. Nothing wrong with that except that the strippers are usually too bony for my tastes and the sistas or other minorities that strip there usually have that same physique. Not THAT....hurts your feelings.
Sure enough, narr'a ass chics. No seductive poses or booty shaking. As a matter of fact, the deal was for guys to pick out a girl they like for a lap dance. The stage dance was lame as hell; girls were just twirling around the pole looking up at the ceiling, at the floor. The best part was them climbing up these 20 ft poles and sliding upside down and stopping mid-pole. Yippee. Our comments?
"Man, that bitch been up there 10 minutes and STILL got clothes on!"
"What the fuck is she looking at up there?"
"Her ass looks like a long ass back."
"This is some straight garbage, sun."

So, $30 broke-er, We left. That was the first time either of us had ever left a club without giving up the loot. " Man, that was some ol' bullshit!" He yelled on the way out. "Let's go to the real joint."
We went into the coverless, preppy white guy-less strip club. At this club, if you came in with a flat ass the only good you are to the spot is to mop and vacuum the floors and THAT is only when the place is closed! I spent about $20 and so did Glueman.

So why is it that I can go into a damn near dive, slip pass a soon to be fight, and have a good time? Becauuuuse I can go to a brotha strip club, sit at the bar; hear 50 Cent instead of Motley Crue's old ass; have a phat caramel delight rascal (PCDR) bend over, shake her ass about a foot in front of me and smack it to persuade me to insert my tithe and offering. I can be in here in the middle of a luke warm beer and get a tap on the shoulder from a PCDR or maybe even a phat laitte rascal (PLR) asking me if I want to buy her a drink; code word for timed lap dance. I'm such a sucker for those! Now, why white guys can't go for that I don't know. They would rather have a woman shaped like their pubicent little brother leading them around by the hand for a lap dance that includes her calling his name out as if he were getting boned. Chile please.

Ok...I've lost my flow because I was writing this at 2 this afternoon and it is now 11:20. Sorry.

Oh! Here's what I forgot:
Dumbest comment of the day: I was at the Ross
buying a shirt when this old lady came up to the
counter. The man working the counter said "Ma'am,
there is a line over there for your purchases. And
she said "But I'm not buying anything. Do I have to
stand in line of I'm not buying anything?" The man
said "" But I'm sure he wanted to say
"then what the fuck you standing here for????" It
was too funny.

Friday, March 11, 2005


I see that I've lost my popularity. My hits have fallen off like whoa. I guess I need to write more thesises. (How the hell do you spell the plural of "thesis"?) Also because I've been so busy lately as well. Its school and work. Nothing else. Well, nothing that I'm going to share with most of you. **smile** I can tell you one thing. There IS one thing we can talk about. The farce of spring break. Man, I've only have one really good spring break, and my ass wasn't even in school. Me and some co-workers decided to go to the Bahamas for a long weekend. Man, we had a blast! No one got laid though. THat was odd. We were down there with the U of TN and those chics were bananas.

OH SHIT!! I just found out that my pay is f^*&ing PRORATED for 0ver 12 months because I'm a 10 month employee. You know what means? I'm still broke! Hatin' life man.....


KeyLo-Lo Outfit of the Day: capri jeans, loose on the legs, tight everywhere else. White low-cut blouse white a pink jacket. Oh.....PINK, stilletto boots. pink SUEDE, stilletto boots.

Note: I met who presume was her oldest daughter. Odd, daughter was slightly on the homely side considering her lavishly, stripper-pole dressed mother.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Outfit for The Day

Key-LoLo Outfit of the Day: very conservative (for her at least. ) Khaki colored linen-ish pant suit with white top. Discovery: Tongue ring.

We need to put this chic on a stripper pole, right?

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Did you just fart?

Here at work there is a phenomena that I didn't know existed in typical office space. That is the Code of The Fart. I've always worked in office corporate office spaces where space is of high value. Peopled are cubicled for efficiency and managers are in offices with large glass windows. I don't know if these windows are for them to see what's going on on the office floor, or for you to walk by their enclosed space and stare at them like violent monkeys at the zoo. "Oh look, Little Johnny. Look at this one. Its call a Carl Mungro. Look how he picks his nose after he eats his lunch...."
Anyway, I'm digressing. Here at the school, office space has not become a high commodity yet. Offices are scattered throughout the school and most people (except teachers) have their own office. Now, what has ME buggin' out is the fact that these occupants feel it is ok to cut their ass in the office. I guess it IS ok, but damn! Don't somebody else gotta come in there and smell your festering ass? What type shit is that? And hey! Let's not be prejudice; that goes for the ladies as well. Seems like no one's office around here is safe. I'm considering writing a memo about the corporate Code of Fart. "If one has flatulence, he/she must remove themselves from the working office area and proceed to pollute either the restroom or an unoccupied storage space." It needs work, but I remember when I worked in a cube I tried to remove myself because the shit would linger, n'yamean? Man!

Key-LoLo Outfit of the Day: With pant suit. high heel boots, lime green Bebe Sport shirt, tight. The tits are screaming for help. "Give us free! Give us FREE!" Either no panties or invisible thongs. I need to go take another look :-)

Outfit of the Day (Yesterday): Lime green off the shoulder sweater, very snug white slacks.

You know, what REALLY fucks me up about the outfits she wears is that she has to have a pair of handcuffs on her person at all times. So fellas, imagine ever day seeing this PRWR (phat, 'round the way rascal) everyday in these outfits, AND a pair of handcuffs spanking the top of her onion-like ass everytime she walks. Someone hand me a napkin please.....

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

Odd. I can't believe I keep forgetting to blog this so I'm going to do it now. This instance happened some time ago and I feel bad for not blogging it.

One day me, the principal and the program director were in the principal's office. The program director is only 3 years from retiring so I asked him "what are you going to do as your retirement job? You are too much of a work-a-holic to sit at home and do nothing."
PD: I just want a part-time job working for the airlines doing customer service.
Me: Huh? Are you kidding? That sounds kinda stressful to me. Why would you want to do that?
PD: Because I can get free or discounted airfare. When the job is bugging me, I just say 'oh! I'm out. Let me hop on a plane somewhere.
Princ. and I: OH!
Me: Well, when I grow up, I want to own and work in a record store. No one will have to know I own it, I'll just be the old guy who goes around talking to everybody in the store about music.
Princ.: I know this sounds crazy, but as MY retirement job, I don't want to have any real responsibilities or deal with anyone on a deep level. I want the classic old guy job.
PD: What's that?
Princ.: Hot dog vendor at football and baseball games. I would just walk around with my carrying tray "Hot dogs, hot dogs! Get your fresh hot dogs!"
**all laugh, then look at each other in nodding approval, then disperse**

To my readers, what do YOU want to be when you grow up? I.E. your retirement job. You HAVE to have a retirement, unfortunately. Social Security is damn near bankrupt, We Generation X'ers suck at saving money, and worst of all, we've been programmed to be workaholics. Hit me back with your answer in the comments.

Monday, March 07, 2005

"...just do the damn chicken."

Alright! Did everyone have a great weekend? Good cause mine was a bit to be desired. We won't get into that here.

I DID watch Dateline about Pastor Benny. I'm sorry, but to me that is straight comedy! If you saw those poor people falling out after receiving the "laying of the hands". One man was all about the histrionics; he got the holy ghost and jumped back like the Matrix. Man, I was too thru. And I can laugh because my grandmother used to always get into those television evangelists. She was smart about it though; she'd watch and would RARELY send money, but she would make SURE that Reverend Ike would give her the lucky blessed numbers for the lottery.

Hmm.....TG. How you doing today girl? So you look like Marlo Thomas huh? Then you must be a PHYNE ASS white girl! Hehehhehe. I don't have much luck with white women....well, except for that time with me and Jennifer Anniston. But we won't talk about that....

So...what does "just do the damn chicken" mean? Well, my co-worker and I were having a discussion about people wanting to run the show even though they only have one or 2 assignments. There is a security guard here who ALWAYS has something to say about how somebody else ain't doing there job. I was sharing a story about that with one of my co-workers (I forgot the nickname I gave him) and he told me a story:
"Man, that sounds like this chic I used to work with. She worked in the cafeteria and overheard some other teachers talking about some shit I had done. She pulled me up about it talkin' 'bout 'Oh...I heard you was doing so-and-so. What's that all about? Ain't you supposed to be working with that woman or something?'
Man, I looked up at her and said 'Bitch, just do the goddam chicken and shut the fuck up' and walked out. I made SURE I had my food though first, bro 'cause I didn't want her fucking with my shit.'

Ever since I've adopted that phrase. I'm a little tamer with it though. When I was studying this weekend, my study partner was commenting on something and I told her 'Just do the damn chicken and mind you'ren.' It's actually good advice to apply to yourself. When you see someone fucken up at work and you want to say something to someone just tell yourself 'Self, just do the damn chicken.'

KeyLo-Lo oufit of the day: George Bush Conservative. Well, for her ass it is. Long sleeve pink stripped shirt, snug (not tight) pink slacks. Sound str8? I ain't finished...Black tanga. Le Wow.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Blogging Moments of the Week

Tues 2/28 We have a new co-worker in town. I can't seem to come up with a name for her because I want to be descriptive, yet I want to be accurate. How do I do this...let's see....ok, Let's say you mixed Lil' Kim with her look and ghetto-fab persona, Alicia Keys with her voice, braids, and glasses, and added about 4 more inches in height. THAT, is the new chic. Today's outfit is black tight pants and a form-fitting shirt. Let's give her a name after one of my favorite Martin characters; KeyLo-Lo

Wed. 3/1 I saw a colleague in the hallway. Now, let me give you a little background info. Everyone here is pretty much new, however, all of them started thru orientation at the same time. I wasn't part of that crew so I'm the outsider looking in. So they would do things together that excluded me like get the faggy Starbucks, go get drinks after work, and so on. I've forced my way in. I've even gone so far as to give AwwHellNo a note during class saying "Uh huh. And where's MY damn Starbucks?" Slowly, I've come into that circle but its too late. Looks like the circle is breaking up. Anyway, I see D-Money coming down the hallway carrying a Starbucks tray. And of course, since the last time my line worked so well on AwwHellNo (she busted out laughing in class), I figured I'd used it again. "Yeah....yeah! Whe.....where, where MY Starbucks at? Why I aint got no Starbucks? Huh? HUH?"
"Here boy! NOW what you got to say?"
"Yeah, speechless aren't you?"
"Yeah, actually I am. Thanks D-Money. Feeling small right about now."
"Uh huh" **laughing and walking away**
KeyLo-Lo Outfit of the Day: Angrily tight pink pants and top.

Kids jonin' on my sweater...called me sweet because it was a v-neck. **sigh**

Thurs. 3/2

I go to the Bojangle's (local chicken joint chain in a predominantly Black county....go figure) to get me some breakfast. I order my food, and there is a brother behind me in line. I get my coffee straighted out (which tasted like bull piss) and before I finish, he says "hey man, your food ready." "thanks." I replied. "Just as long as you don't eat it and shit. My feelings would be straight up hurt. Its too EARLY in the mo'ning to be fightin' a mu fucka. I'd probably just be mad the rest of the day." He cracked up.

KeyLo-Lo Outfit of the Day: THIS will get your ass fired at most places, tight jean capris, stiletto boots, tight low-cut Bebe tee (with a tiny jean jacket for subtlety.)
Kids were jonin' on my pants....said they looked ashy. As if I were rolling in flour.