Saturday, February 26, 2005


Friday I went to see "Hitch" with the fam. I'm not a Will Smith in the least, but this film was watchable. Although predictable, Will Smith and Kevin James had a good comedic chemistry. What really did it for me was the presence of Eva Mendez. Chile please! That girl is FYNE! She can't act shit, but her physique did all the talking; and damnit I was listening!

Some little tidbits from my viewing pleasure:
When we arrived my hyper-son was in 4th gear with no signs of slowing down. While we were looking for somewhere to sit, a gentleman moved his coat so that there would be 3 seats next to each other. Because of the small fry, I sat next to the man. You know, as funny as that movie was, the guy sitting next didn't even laugh. Well, there was one part...there was a scene where Mendez was sitting in front of the tv crying. Now, instead of her crying over some typical romance movie like "Casablanca" or "Reds", she was crying over "Jerry MacGuire". I thought this was funny, but my neighbor found it hilarious. I even pulled him up and said "damn. That was the first time you laughed all movie!"
"But she's crying over Jerry MacGuire! Jerry MacGuire??" and began to laugh some more. At the end of the movie, the cast does a dance scene in like a Soul Train line. There was a part where Will Smith and Eva Mendez were dancing together with her fyne ass self. Evidently, I wasn't the only one who noticed because my neighbor nudged me hard. I said "Dude, I've been bugging thru the WHOLE movie."

Overall, it was a great date movie. The guys will laugh and the girls will go "awww!" Very predictable, but the writers put various changes in the comedic romance formula to keep it interesting. Casting Eva Mendez didn't hurt either. MMM mmm mmmm.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I'm so hurt.... life. Sometimes life can be so betraying. The wonderful moments you share with others just to get smacked in the face by circumstances that no one will be able to change. Once a week for 20 weeks I've been working with a group of 30 kids in the projects of Prince George's County. They have been my source for many a beer I've drank, laughs, and even a couple blog entries. You spend that much time with children there are bound to be some form of attachment to them and vice versa. You want it to be an attachment of great things happening in their lives: "Great report card, Monica!" "You got the lead role in the school play? Cool." But Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. There are hurdles and obstacles in the path of growth. If we are lucky, those obstacles happen when we are an age to be resourceful enough to take all things in stride. Unfortunately, some of us are not that blessed. Some of us have to be parents to our parents.
Our program is almost a family affair. We have so many kids because there are a few brother-sister combinations. Yesterday I was told that one of the combos got evicted from their apartment. That blows me. How the fuck you gonna get put out of a Section 8 apartment? The rent is only like $50 a month! The whole situation was fucked up. The rumor was they were put out without notice. I'm sure they were way behind on rent though. Not that they were so poor, its that the parents were so fucked up. They are drug addicts. They decided to consolidate themselves and have 3 adults and 6 children in a goddamn apartment. That's some shit. Now, thier kids are in a shelter and since one of them is close to 12, HE probably will end up in foster care. For those who know me, you know I'm a pretty testosterone driven man. But this situation had a brother choked up for a minute. I guess because of the whole unjustness of the thing. These don't want to do anything but go to school and play. That's it! And now they have to be punished for the stupidity of their parents. And me, I think about the intangibles of the thing. Not the fact that they are in a damn shelter, but "who is going to braid S___e's hair? How is this going to effect D____e? Are T____e's grades going to take a nosedive?"

I apologize for this blog because I know most of you come here for something funny to read. I ain't got nothing for you and even if I did this is so huge that not too much of anything is going to be amusing.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Nasty bastards...

I'm pulling out of my ex's driveway. I see this couple walking down the street. They stop, the woman looks at the man and proceeds to wipe something from his nose. Ish. That's gross enough, but why come after a brief exchange (mostly from him) does she let this mutha fucka BLOWN HIS NOSE INTO HER SLEEVE?!??!?! What type nasty shit is that????

Dirty mutha fuckas......

Sunday, February 20, 2005

The Ba-bashop

The black barbershop is a place of gathering news, insight, and services. I can't tell you how many contractors or services I've picked up from going to the barbershop. Its also the place where, believe it or not, the art of the African story telling takes place. The 2 "Barbershop" movies did an ok job of bringing that part of the community to life, but there was much to be desired. Here are some examples that were missed in the movie:
1.) People coming in there always selling some half-ass shit.
2.) Homeless people coming in not begging, but getting as much free shit as they can or use the bathroom before they get run out.
3.) Baby mama drama
4.) waiting an hour for your barber to show up.

Yesterday, a homeless man came in and took a rack of condoms from the community basket. He would have taken more if everyone in the shop wasn't gawking at him. When I saw him outside, he was sitting on the steps of another spot with his legs crossed smoking a cigarette as if he were sitting there waiting on his bitches.

LOL! Oh man that was too funny. Here he is, no house, no job, no gear, and he claimin' more than me!

So I'm sitting in there with Canon the Barber and Phil. I've known Canon for years, cool, slick unreliable yet very reliable brother. I better break that down. Canon is the type who if you say "let's go to the Orioles game. I got the tickets. Call me when you get off work"
**crickets chirping**
But if I say something like "Yo, I'm at Penn Station with no ride. I know its snowing and shit, but can you and the Blazer come pick me up?"
He may take a while to get there, but he'll be there. Phil I don't know. All I know is that he does contractual jobs for builders. So the 3 of us and a couple others are back in Canon's area. Canon was cutting a head, and I was talking to my son. Canon suddenly lifted his head up:
Canon: Hey nigga, what you gonna do with that?
Phil: what?
Canon: that booga you just flicked outta your nose, niggga. I know you just aint put that on my floor!
Phil: **laughing** Aw man! Go head with that! I ain't dig in my nose!
Canon: Yes you did. you dug, flicked it, then wiped the shit on your pants.
**all laugh**'s
Me: Man, that how they do, Canon. Them kats that work on construction sites and shit...they nasty!
Canon: yeah man!
Phil: Aw there YOU go! Looking like that nigga on the Black Eyed Peas
**all laugh**
Me: aight, aight. But I know that you kats do all kinds of nasty stuff. Like blow your nose no Kleenex and shit. Take a dump in the woods....
Canon: Damn! Phil you get down like that son?
Phil: Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do! I done took a shit in the woods and wipe my ass with leaves.
**all laugh**
Me: Trife. Now how many time you done done that Phil?
Phil: Hey, ain't no shame in having to take a shit. I remember one time I was driving to this party. I had gas like a ma fucka and I kept farting. So I'm driving,
uh oh.
Some got out yo!
**all laughing**
Phil: So I said "oh shit! What I'm gonna do?" Man, I was driving like this! (showed how he was leaning with one ass cheek off of the seat) So I pulled over to the highway, got out, walked over (gingerly)to the woods, pulled my shit down and off, wiped my ass with the draws, threw them into the woods, got back in the car and went to the party.
**all ROLLING now**
Me: Yo! I'm blown! You STILL went to the party?
Canon: Hey Phil! For real, that's how you roll Phil?
Phil: Hey man, I couldn't help it! DOn't even tell me you never did that.
Canon: Hell naw!
Phil: ain't never farted and the shit accidently come out?
Canon: I ain't never wiped my ass with the draws I shitted on, naw!
**all laugh**
Me: Yo. You couldn't stop and go to Ross or TJ Maxx to get some draws? Or even go back home?
Phil: Naw man! The party was right down the street and it took me 45 minutes to get there.
Me: And you wasnt going back home?
Phil: Naw!
Me: Well, damn. Was the party any good with your stinkin' ass?
Phil: **laughing** Off the hook son. I took care of it when I got there with some toilet paper and soap.
**I laugh**
Me: Toilet paper and soap, huh? Damn. You a wild boy Phil.
Canon: You nasty mutha fucka! That's just like when you was over my house and took a shit, I didnt have no toilet paper in that back bathroom!
Phil: Oh hell naw! There was toilet paper in there!
Canon: No there wasn't!
Phil: Yes there was! Wasn't no soap, but the toilet paper was there.
Canon: nasty bastard. That's why I don't give you no dap, nigga!
**all laugh**
Me: Damn Phil. And since you work outside, you do that shit at work too, don't you?
Phil: Naw, man. Well....yeah. I had something like that that had happened one time......

To be continued........

Thursday, February 17, 2005

I'm still here

Yes, I'm still here. I apologize for the delay, but I don't manage my time well enough to blog every day or every other day. I've even lost my life management flow: bounced some checks this week AND turned in a paper late. This weekend I'm regrouping so wish me luck. I'm also looking for a higher paying job in the county. I like what I'm doing, but I really rather have the cash thank you very much. And thanks for the relocation invite Zulu and Twisty, but damn that! Y'all are too far north!

Let's see, what did y'all miss.....At work, we are loosing the battle. The kids are slowly taking over. We have a principal who does not want to dole out any harsh punishment. There are 5 kids who if we expel would make the school a hell of a lot better. Also, he is a RE-ACTIVE principal and not a PRO-ACTIVE one. Excellent example: On Friday there was a student who got into it with the teacher. The student was removed from class, but was returned to class. Huh? He knew that this particular student has A LOT of problems at home. So instead of re-iterating that no one here perpetuates her problems at home, he just deals with the situation with the teacher and the student. Lunchtime comes and she decides to still act retarded by screaming something to another student. (I'm not going to repeat it because some of you would get offended) Ok, our Crisis Intervention person calls her and tells her to sit at a table near her. That was fine, until the 2 went back and forth and the student made the mistake of calling the staff member a bitch. Now, some of you may not know this, but if you ever call a sista a bitch in provocation, that's an automatic fight; man , woman, or child. This chic was no different. She was sitting next to me with her fine 120 lbs-shapely-self. But all that womanliness went out the window when she jumped up and said "No...NO! You will NOT disrespect ME like that! You hear me? You hear me?? "
student: Get out my face!
HourGlass: I told you you aint gonna be talkin' to ME like that! Cause ain't the one! AND I'm in your face! So what you gonna do, huh? What you gonna do?
damn she stole** HourGlass in the the lip. Yes, the principal and I broke up a fight between a student and a staff member. Unfuckingbelievable.
Also in that week, 3 students got 5 days suspension and 1 got expelled. He was so irate that we called the police on him because he threated the bus driver and a staff member. Boston Public ain't got shit on The Valley.

Ah Ha!! I was right! There WAS an office romance going on with OhHellNaw and another teacher. I was just wrong about which teacher. We will call him Rueben because he thats what the kids call him. Yeah, apparently the 2 of them had been hooking up for about a month or so and suddenly it got squashed. Why, I don't know but Rueben has been very stand-offish so I guess he didn't initiate it. The kids even picked up on it asking "Is Rueben going to Chicago with you this weekend?" And all this time I thought it was she and HubbaBubba. Don't worry about a new nickname for him because Friday was his last day. His parents' house burnt down Wed. and he decided to go back and help them out. Now, what the hell HE is going to do I have no idea. Yo! The house is gone! Burneded! What you gonna do, get a hammer and nails and get old school? Man, you just copped out on us. Bitter about that.
Anyway, he was thanked for his services by the kids by getting a bun thrown at him after the malay in the cafeteria, a popcorn fight in the class even though it was his idea to do something nice for the kids on his last day, and 2 kids getting put out of class. **sigh**

**stole: punched

Friday, February 11, 2005

dey fightn', dey fightn' !!

Yup. It was inevitable. 1st fight of the year. The one with the most mouth got his ass kicked. The funny part (if there is one) is that I ran to break it up and one of the teachers was in the midst of it and he had a hold of one of kids' waist instead of his arms. I pulled the teacher off and grabbed the kid. After the dust settled and I was walking down the hallway, one of the kids said "man, why you truck me## ? Slammed me all up against the wall. Man, I'm suing!" I apologized to him profusely.

I went to orientation yesterday. Man, that shit is depressing! Not only does the pay suck, but come to find out that I only get ONE personal day and 4.5 sick days for the year. Oh wait, it gets better. Not only that, but I can't use the personal DAY until I'm off probabtion. How long is probation? Not one month, not 3, not even 6.....
A fucken year.

Oh well. We'll make sure this is temporary. So if any of you know of someone in the B-more area looking for a jack-of-all-trades techie, let me know.
Other notes:

This is primarily for Zulu; and Jenn, I think you may have read this too. Watch what you blog!

Darkness will from now on be referred to as Glueman. I totally forgot about his fascination and skill in dealing with adhesives. Anything that breaks and can't be nailed or screwed together, call the Glueman. 2 stories about that:

I had been spending all of my unemployment checks routinely on earpieces for my cell phone. When I finally find one that works and is comfortable, my clumsy ass steps on it and breaks it. "Hmm. How can I fix this?" No clue. "Who can fix this for me?" **LIGHT BULB!!** The cousin.
Glueman: Wassup yo?
Me: Hey man, can you fix my earpiece for me?
Gluema: Fix it? What's wrong with it?
Me: The part that goes in your ear broke. And since you the Glueman, I figured you'd fix it.
Glueman: **laughing** Oh, Glueman, huh?
Me: Yeah man. Everytime something need pastin', you always got the right kind of pastes and thangs. You nice## with yours!
**both laughing**
Glueman: Alright, bring it thru. I see what I can do.

Worked like a charm until it finally died. The Glueman is nice!

Second story:
My son and I were spending the weekend over Glueman's house. He seemed restless. When the sun went down, he goes "Ride with me".
We get into the car and I ask where we were going. "I need to fix my son's car headlight. I gotta go to the store to get some of my elixirs."
Me: elixirs? What do you mean? A little some-some to drink?
Glueman: No man. My glues! My apoxies!
Me: OH!! **laughing** Elixirs, huh? Very good.
So we get to the auto store and walked around the various aisles...light bulbs, car freshener, windshield wipers...ah! "Here it is. All the gl..."
"Shhhhhh!! I'm concentrating on my formulas." he said while rubbing his chin.
"Hmm...." He started. "If I get this one here, I'll have to combine it with this other apoxy that got extra binding agents. **me snickering** With this other one, I'll have to reinforce it with some tape. What you think?"
"Well, if you...."
"Nevermind. I got this."
So we proceeded to the checkout, and sure enough, 12 hours later, the headlight was good as new. (Uh...except for the small strip of tape in the corner.)
Like I said, Glueman is NICE!

###truck: to run over, rudely push out of the way.
###nice: smoother than smooth, adept in the context of the sentence.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Street Cred

To those who don't know, street cred is street credibility. How much street do you know? Are you street or are you faking? HubbaBubba is getting street cred already. A white man, in a prodominantly black county is going to get street cred by default. First of all, he lives close to work. Ok, what dat mean? Well, we all work in a shady neighborhood. Therefore, he lives in a shady neighborhood. He lives on The Hill; this high-rise on the top of a hill overlooking Branch Ave. He is probably the only sane white person that lives in that building. Instant establishment of street cred. (appalause please). And having the kids in his classroom, he gets to learn all kinds of new slang.

goosing: to mutually stare down a person
swelling: pressed, seemingly desperate

Keep up the good work HubbaBubba! When you get that full street cred, your name will be changed accordingly.

Update: The boys and girls were seperated into gender sections today because of an almost fight Friday. Realize that these kids are about 2 to 3 grades behind in maturity level AND have behavioral issues. Sometimes you have to go backwards to go forward.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

"Man, the things you think about sometimes..."

My cousin Darkness and I have some great phone convos. It is typical of us to call each other about the dumbest things. The following is a classic example of of one of those convos.

Me: What's up, Son ? What you claimin' ?
Darkness: Nothing, Son. Chillin'. What's on your mind?
Me: I got a bone to pick with you, brudda.
Darkness: Heheheh..oh yeah? Waassup?
Me: Remember back in the remember Teddy Pendergrass, right?
Darkness: (anticipatory laugh) Yeah?
Me: You remember that song "Turn off the Lights" don't you?
Darkness: (singing) Turn off the lights
And light a candle...
Sure. I remember that song.
Me: Ok. Now, you thought he was pretty cool, right?
Darkness: hehhehhe...I mean....He wasn't no Scoop and Scrap Lover, but yeah, he was aight.
(both laugh)
Me: Well, how come....WAAAY back when when we were over my grandmother's freestylin' (Darkness begins to laugh) y'all laughed when I said that line "rub you down....with soaps and oils" but in that same song by Teddy he says "And let you rub me down with some hot soaps and oils! yeah! YES!"
(both laugh)
Darkneaa: (still laughing) man, you a fool! You was like 14 years old! You ain't know nothing about no hot soaps and oils. He a grown man!
Me: (still laughing) Oh! Good point!
Darkness: I was going to call and ask you something too the other day.
Me: Oh ok.
Darkness: I was sitting at the Bob Evans eating some lunch when out of the blue, this tune comes in my head:
don don DUNT
DUNT dunt da don DUNT
don don don DUNT
da DUNT dunt dunt dunt dunt da don
Me: The theme song to Benson????
Darkness: Yeah. I was was like "damn. I can't remember Benson's last name...what the hell was it??"
Me: Hmmm! I don't remember either now that I think of it.
Darkness: I figured you wouldn't remember. So I called JoJo (his sister) and asked her. She said his name was DuBois.
Me: Oh yeah that's right! Benson DuBois....
Darkness: Mmmm hmmm. Then it dawned on me to ask you how a brother get a french last name?
Me: Oh. He's probably of Haitian decent. They speak Frenchus (yes, I actually said Frenches (french-us)).
Darkness: Oh yea, that's right!
Me: yeah
Darkness: Aight chief. I holla at you.
Me: Aight den. Peace yo'self
Darkness: Peace

We have some that are a lot better than that and I will ask him if he remembers anymore of them. If so, I'll put another one up.

Me: He could also be of Cameron decent. They speak French as well.

Friday, February 04, 2005

"I was prepared!"

In a previous blog entry (A Little Known Fact), I wrote about having a big tee shirt on. There is a story that goes along with that. Like to hear it, here it go...

Me and Darkness were walking thru B-more's flea market. For you West Coasters thats the equivalent of a swap shop. I forgot what we were looking for, but I know that we always go to the flea market when there is something that we want to buy but don't feel like paying the real money for. And just like on The Block in B-more, there are barkers. An example is one we heard for someone selling dog food. Keep in mind that in B-more accent, "dog" is pronounced "duug"; like "Doug" with a hard u.
"Dog food and cat food! Dog food and cat food! I got the dog food, you need the cat food!
Dog food and cat food! Dog food and cat food! I got the cat food, you need the dog food!"

But the one that is engrained in the brain is the one about being prepared. I wish I would have known this lesson from years back. **rolling eyes**
There was a man-woman team selling big tee shirts. Now, all last summer and most of the year, these huge, arm-covering, long-enough-to-be-a-skirt tee shirts were the thing. If you wore any color besides white or black, you were considered soft. So, these 2 are selling big tee shirts. Good price too.
Man: Big tee shurts! Big tee shurts! 1 fo 10, 2 fo 15! Big tee shurts! Big tee shurts!
Woman: Get them big tee shirts right here! Wear 'em anytime! Last night I wore my big tee shirt, this mo'ning when I woke up, I was prepared!"

Huh?????! Wtf.....How the fu....? What the hell does a big tee shirt have to do with being prepared??? I was blown!

So, ever since then, whenever I'm ready for something, I always say "I got my big tee shirt on. I'm prepared!" And no, I do not and never intend to own or wear a big tee shirt.


I have NO idea how people go thru so much crap to work for a municipality. I work for PG County Schools and I have changed positions. Now, already on file they have my SS #, college transcript, and 3 letters of reccomendation. Why come I have to bring in a copy of my SS card, 3 more letters of recommendation, copy of my drivers license, AND a copy of my gad-damn high school transcript??!? Yes, they have my COLLEGE transcript which 9.9999 times out of 10 proceeds and has the pre-requisite of attending and graduating high school. WTF??? It took me all day to gather that and STILL the bitch wouldn't accept it. Why? Because according to her, I missed the deadline for accepting criteria by 2 hours. I took off a day of work to get all that shit and she still wouldn't take it because of 2 hours delay. Mother bitcher....

2 days ago I got a call from an old friend from high school and beyond. We will call her StopDontDoThat because that's what she told me pretty much everytime I saw her. I told her there is only one of 3 reasons why she was calling me:

1.) She found the Lord and wanted to help me find him.
2.) She selling one of them gad-damn pyramids shits.
3.) She wants some dizzat from way back.

Her reply was "well, you got me because Bible study is every Wednesday and you are welcome to join, and my daughter IS selling Girl Scout cookies so what do you want to order?

Smart-ass. Note there was no reference to the dizzat. Cute.

My ass is hot sitting in this chair. Not because I got a hot ass, but because the middle of it is broken so the only support is on the outside. If I don't sit a certain way, my cheeks get spread therefore making the crack hot. Amazing....why anyone would let something get stuck up their ass is beyond me.

As for my new job....a lot more quieter than the other knucklehead school. I can't see anything interesting happening, but just in case here is the cast of characters:
DMoney- Reading, my personal favortite.

Suge- if you saw this kat on the street and found out he was teaching your children, you would either pull them out of school or applaude. BIG dude, always has a look on his face of "mutha fucka don't you know I kill you???" Perfect for this school. Probably better suited for the high school.

TheseChildren: Every sentence starts off with "These children....". That's all I know about her. Today is her second day here.

Chris-Styles (pronounced 'criss-STALS!') I have never...ever, EVER seen a white man read Jet magazine. Had the magazine flipped all side-ways and shit..."Beauty of the Week, huh?"

HubbaBubba- The most square peg of the bunch. Likes camping, canoeing, crew, bungying jumping and shit.....the only way that teaching here and any of that other stuff matches is because its adventurous. Buddy-buddy with AwwHellnaw! (to be introduced below) My guess as to be the first to say fuck it and roll out.

WasntMe- The enigma of the bunch. Doesn't mesh well with the others. Probably due to age and experience differences. Very difficult to talk to. You can mention slave-labor in reference to the job, but he will call you on that as to not being an accurate description. Cynical of the system, but not himself. SHould be some good bloggin'

WhatDidHeSay?- Between his accent and soft-spoken tone, he always has to repeat himself. Will end up being the kids doormat, but he from the rough-side of the Earth (Africa) so he can handle it.

AwwHellNaw!- I don't know her that well but our first convo went like this:

Me: Damn. Should I leave that computer here or put it somewhere else?
AwwHellNaw!: You can put it over it right there on the desk because if one of those kids touches that computer, I'm going to be like "what? uh uh! Aww hell no! Sit your butt down touching my stuff!"

more teachers to come as they are trying to fill English and Math assignments.