Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The Blogger.com Sodologist

Remember when I mentioned the now defunct www.emptybowl.com? Well NeighborGirl is now 2 or 3 reviews from being the proprietor of emptycan.com to review sodas. Check out this chat and this email. Its the beginnings of an empire I tell ya!

NeighborGirl: hey

Me: hey

Me: wassup

NeighborGirl: not much

NeighborGirl: I'm a little lit, just a little

NeighborGirl: I sent you an email earlier, before I had a drink

Me: ok. let me go check it out

Me: what you drinking?

NeighborGirl: jack and DietCherryVanillaDrPepper

NeighborGirl: that's the only way diet cherry vanilla dr pepper tastes good, with jack, otherwise it's some nasty shit, but the liquor makes it tolerable and a little nifty

Me: oh! how did that taste?

Me: nifty....very good

NeighborGirl: I don't, however, feel sophisticated, I read an online study about how beverage makers are adding flavors to their soda as an attempt to market to women and their sophisticated tastes

Me: oh?

Me: like DietCherryVanillaDrPepper?

NeighborGirl: after drinking the dietcherryvan... crap I just feel normal, and a little like Dundalk, where they need all those extra flavors to amuse themselves

NeighborGirl: so their you have it, sophistication comes out rather low-class in the end

Me: lol

Me: excellent break down

NeighborGirl: not bad for half lit if I do say so myself

NeighborGirl: liquor must make me a hay philosopical or something

NeighborGirl: philosophical

Me: nah....I can contest to that though

So remember that crap I told you I read about the beverage companies
adding flavors that appeal to women to make them feel more
sophisticated? Today I drank a Diet Black Cherry and French Vanilla
Pepsi Jazz and it was soooo sophisticated you will never believe what
it tasted like- Pepsi and cough syrup. It was just like back in the
day when I was 15 and I'd sneak a little of my dad's whiskey in a glass
and mix it with shit trying to feel grown-up. Good old Pepsi beat me
to the punch, I never thought to mix in cough syrup with my soda and
whiskey. How's that for sophistication! I hear the Diet Strawberries
and Cream Pepsi Jazz tastes like Pepsi and Jolly Ranchers.

I'd continue this email but I have to go sit in a leather arm chair,
puff on a cuban, and drink my Pepsi and cough syrup so I can feel

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Tom Was Little This Year (And Other Useless Internet Banter)

I hope you all had a wonderful, productive, festive, fulfilling Thanksgiving. (Actually, I could give a fuck, but I figured I'd say something. How was mine? Why...thank you for asking! **rolling eyes** Mine was fun, I would give you the full blast blog entry for it, but come to find out from my gallop poll that it REALLY wasn't THAT funny or at least won't translate to text very well. The synopsis:
  1. AreYouGay? Really is gay, but still considers that normal.
  2. It is inappropriate to make fun of the dead and disabled, but damn its funny.
  3. Kids joke books still suck. I suppose if you are an author of such material your comedic career has hit rock bottom. (Coming to the children's section of a Black bookstore near you...."Knock Knock...It's Kramer!!!" by Michael Roberts)
  4. The family has a new Thanksgiving tradition of re-enacting Thanksgiving dinners from the movies. This year's feature: The Color Purple. "I looked up and saw you, and I knowed dey is a God."
  5. I HATE those broadcast text messages sent from someone's phone. One damn near ruined my Thanksgiving.

Hmmm....Today is Tuesday. Back in the day, this would have been a prime opportunity to do Tell The Truth Tuesday. Given that no one cares any more, fuck it. And that would have been the theme too. Your Thanksgiving....beautiful or dutiful? Reply if you want, who cares...

Did you know that Jay Z has about 4 different Greatest Hits albums? How can that be? Isn't there an industry standard on the number of Greatest Hits you can have? Oh...wait. no there isn't. I think between Jimi Hendrix and The Eagles that shit is out the window. Here is the songlist from Jay Z's most recent greatest hits joint:

1.Can I Get A / Jay-Z

This is a perfect song to start off this list because I can't stand any of the pop songs by Jay Z. This one is no different.

2.Hard Knock Life / Jay-Z

This is the worst one of all. Sucks more than a ho in Singapore.

3.Wishing On A Star / Jay-Z

Don't know this one or it sucks so bad I blocked it out.

4.Can't Knock The Hustle (FT Mary J. Blige) / Jay-Z

Ehhh! Its aight.

5.Ain't No Nigga (FT Foxy Brown) / Jay-Z

This was Jay Z's first aired song. When I heard this I said "Hmmm. Now there's a one hit wonder if I ever saw one." Fancy that.

6.Ride Or Die / Jay-Z

Not sure if I know this one or not. If its the one produced by Timbalan then its ok at best.

7.Brooklyn's Finest (FT Notorious Big) / Jay-Z

Anything with Biggie is tight. Recognize.

8.Imaginary Player / Jay-Z

Don't know this one.

9.Friend Or Foe / Jay-Z

Don't know this one either.

10.Friend Or Foe 98 / Jay-Z

Don't know this one either either.

11.More Money More Cash More Hoes / Jay-Z

cheeseball to the max.

12.City Is Mine (FT Blackstreet) / Jay-Z

Pop goes the weasel.

13.Reservoir Dogs (FT Blackstreet) / Jay-Z

Pop goes the weasel part dos.

14.I Know What Girls Like (FT Puff Daddy & Lil' Kim) / Jay-Z

You're kidding, right? Puff is an album killer.

15.22 Twos / Jay-Z

This is one of those playa for life songs. Please.

16.Money Ain't A Thang (FT Jermaine Dupri) / Jay-Z

Ok, now this is more like it. It's another play for life song, but at least the hook is catchy.

[Jay Z]

Bubble hard in the double R flashin the rings

With the window cracked holler back

Money ain't a thang

[Jermaine Dupri]

Jigga I don't like it if it don't gleam clean

And to hell with the price cause the money ain't a thang

17.Dead Presidents II / Jay-Z

Name sounds familiar, not sure that I know this one.

18.Regrets / Jay-Z

Definitely don't know this one

So it seems as if I'm either not a big Jay Z fan or I'm just an old cruddy and don't know nothing. They don't have any of the songs I like like "Bring It On", "You Don't Know" , "Jigga What". I guess I'll just wait for the box set.

I know its late, but the phrase of the day/Wednesday is "Phat in the tail. " In use: “I don’t know how that girl can get in a size 8 jeans. She gotta be at least a size 10 since she so phat in the tail”.

Know it, use it, good bye!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Blogging Sucks

Hey everybody. Remember me? Brother Kojak? The salty brotha who always has something to say yet nothing at all? huh? No, no. Not Fonsworth. That guy's a queer. I'm the brotha with the dreds...somewhat altheletic....no, no. Not Ricky Williams. He's all banged up....thinks he's a new jack hippie although I DO envy him for his abs and nipple rings.

No, I'm the kat that had the NFL Preview on the blog? Remember? Here are a couple of reminders:


Ahhh, yes! Now you remember. And to make matters worse, you ain't miss a damn thing. So what's been going on in the last month? oh nothing major....marriage is still a fiasco, no new gig (but at least I'm not unemployed), and I just got a new car with a crappy system. How you gonna sell a black man a car with a half-ass radio? That's absurd. Things I've learned about myself in the last month:

1.) I was fishing around the internet, and found out that I used to have a website bookmarked called www.emptybowl.com. Dude would critque cereal. Stupid idea, but man it came in handy in its own odd way. Sadly, it is gone.

2.) I should leave the partying to the youngin's. I've haven't seen the goddess Heidi in weeks. **sigh**

3.) I start out 80% of my verbal stories as "...this girl I was messin' with..."

4.) I lost about 12 pounds during Ramadan. I gained 15 pounds after that.

5.) I would be doing a lot better in fantasy sports if I let a hot chic draft for me. That way, the other dudes wouldnt pick as well during the draft because they'd be watching her bounce up and down.

6.) I will never be a fantasy sports commissioner again.

Let's start with my weekend. Believe it or not, it was eventful. Friday, 2 of TheOffspring's boys came over and I was asked to help out with that. We took them to dinner, the movies, and then for ice cream. 2 of them didnt go to sleep until about 2 in the morning. I woke up at around 5 to shake the weasel, and one of them (I found out the oldest and yet smallest one) dropped like a Collosus of a load in the toilet. I had to dump ACID down the damn drain man. Like he was holding that for weeks.

So there was my sleep for the rest of the morning AND his Pops wanted to pick him up at 7:30 because he had a game. So that one left, and the other one wouldn't get up until about 10. So we went to IHOP. Sat down and got waited on, but after about 20 mins and 2 tables getting their food before we did, I threw $5 on the table and bounced. PISSED!! It wasn't racism or anything like that, just incompetence. So we went to Burger King across the street and ate chicken samiches. **rolling eyes** My mom called and asked if she could treat them to go-cart racing. I took them there, and on the last lap the other kid (YouTooOldForThat) damn near broke TheOffspring's ankle. TheOffspring was in the parking lane about to get out of the car when shorty ran into his cart. TheOffspring bent over in a weird way and I thought his ankle snapped. He was screaming (I think because he thought that it was going to snap) and I snapped at YouTooOldForThat not because I was mad at him, but because he was so careless....whenever they pitstopped before he had no problem stopping. But of course, when it counts, he smashed him. So both of them end up crying; YouTooOldForThat more so than TheOffspring. I had to give him a peep talk ALL the way to the house. Geez....sensitive.

Sat. night I sat and watched a "Dexter" marathon on Showtime. That's a good show. Check it out if you have cable. I also ended up spilling carrot juice all over the carpet without realizing it. Great. In the morning, after eating some HOMEMADE breakfast grub and scrubbing out the carrot stain with pro strength Resolve like Cinderella, I finally ended up taking YouTooOldForThat home. The rest of the weekend was good too; pizza, beer, and a whole lotta none-ya-business!

Don't expect another post no time soon. Blogging sucks!