Thursday, June 23, 2005

These Dreams

It is now 4:14 a.m. and I can't sleep. Well, I can, but I'm too scared shitless to go back to sleep. When I have nightmares, rarely is the nightmare about me. Usually I'm watching whats going on, sort of like a movie you are forced to watch.
This one was wild as hell. It was about a sociopath step-father (starring...who? James Ingram?!??!) who married a woman who already had an adopted son. (She looked a little like my boss's wife {sorry, no pic. Just a regular ass looking sista} and the son was say an 18 or 19 yr version of Dolph Lundgren.) Ingram's son by some other woman is played by Mekhi Phifer who doesn't like either one of them but is the only person who Ingram genuinely wants to reach out to. The dream went like any horror flic when there is only one person who thinks there is something very wrong with said sociopath. What made it more impossible to believe that Ingram was nuts was Lundgren's personality. He was a big-time football jock who was never liked but respected by everyone in his high school. He is forced to come back home from college because of a career ending injury. So here you have 2 nuts in one household and the poor woman is just torn between the love of her son and her new husband. Throughout the dream, Lundgren's friends get killed off slow under the craziest of circumstances by Ingram. Unfortunately, what Lundgren sees is all circumstanstial. In the end, you think that the 2 are going to duke it out in the house which is what Lundgren wants. But Ingram is held back by the mother and kicks Lundgren out of the house with sledge hammer in hand. Lundgren walks away at peace and starts analyzing how he is going to put all the evidence together to have Ingram arrested. Besides that he's trying to figure out a place to live. Not so fast. When he gets to the park, he sees Ingram walking in the opposite direction on the other side of the park pushing what looks like a viola case with wheels and staring in his direction. A fire engine passes Lundgren and when it is gone, so is Ingram. Lundgren thinks "shit, he's way the hell over there. He can't do a damn thing." Wrong! This is a horror joint right? By the time Lundgren passes the park and crosses the busy street to continue his walk, boom. There is Ingram across the street staring at him with a twisted smile. Man! At this point I wanted to wake up, but I couldn't. So Lundgren picks up the pace and doesnt see Ingram behind him or across the street. But, up the hill comes a school bus that Ingram jacks (childless) and is approaching Lundgren. Lundgren manages to elude Ingram by crossing the busy street again. The problem is that this is the suburbs and there aint but so much sidewalk. So he's running up the hill of this busy street sidewalkless and damn if Ingram doesn't come again; this time behind him. Lundgren dives into the wooded area just missing getting hit by the bus. He runs thru that area up a hill where he reaches the back of a pharmacy (Rite Aid around these parts). He goes in thru the back, and in the front of the store, he sees Phifer and his boys. He approaches him about the whole thing of what just happened and gets the "fuck you AND that mutha fucka. " He looks playfully down the aisle "Shit! There go your Daddy right there!" And there is Ingram with something wrapped up tucked under his arm. He begins to rapidly approach. Lundgren in horror, tries to get away, but between Phifer and his boys, he is seriously slowed down.

That's when I woke my ass up. Scared-er than a mutha fucka! I think I had that dream because I have been reading in bits and pieces "The Corpse Had A Familiar Face" by Edna Buchanan. I've been reading that because I have this weird inclination to move to Miami and this book tells about the REAL Miami. One of the chapters was about a sociopath named Ray something. He detailed to her most of his murders because he thought he was going to get the death penalty. Well, he didn't because of our great legal system and actually was eligible for parole. Now, THAT was a scary kat too.

Before I forget, somehow in my horror dream I was about to get busy with a taller, less stocky version of a school mate of mine from George Mason who is now a notable television producer. GO figure.

One more thing....I have this reaccuring dream. In the dream I have to ride out to a funeral or to someone who is about to take their last breath. You know who I go to pick up in each of these dreams to ride with me each time? Fucking Norah Jones man! I aint even a fan which seems to translate into the dream. We never play her music or even her genre of music. All I know is someone will say "Aunt Sadie passed away last night. The funeral is Tuesday." I say something like "Aw that terrible. Let me go get Norah so we can going."
WTF??? And why does she go with me? Norah says "I don't like funerals or anything weird like that, it's just nice to get away." Also what comes out is the fact that no one at who's ever house we staying recognizes her and treats her normally. I think in one of the dreams an aunt or distant cousin of mine had her help straighten the living room because of people coming over for a reprise. Funny too, she has this thing for collard greens and corn bread.

All my B-more readers....know a good therapist? Oh! And if you can come up with an ending to the horror tale, that would be great. Otherwise my twisted little brain will hit rewind and I'll be hemmed up again in the near future.

Coming soon....The Ghetto Smurfs go to Appleby's. Eating good in the mutha fucken 'hood, sun!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Party for the Boy! (yeah right)

Man, I am really slacking on this blog. I have plenty to blog about, but I really haven't been in a blogging mood lately. Also, its the summertime, I really dont want to sit on my ass for an hour and a half to blog. Blogging is very difficult at work because I dont have a sit down job anymore. So, bear with me until the fall hits and the like. Right now there are WAY too many sun dresses distracting me. Below is the blog entry I've been trying to write for 2 weeks. Trife.

Last Sat. was my cousin's graduation party. Well, not really because more of his parent's friend's showed up than his. Initially it was going to be a cookout, but because of the excessive heat, it was brought indoor with the most merciful AC. Funny how when blacks or latinos (mostly puerto ricans and dominicans) have parties for their children, its more for them. This party was no different. Instead of endless Mario, Mike Jones or Ludacris cuts, I compiled an mp3 cd of Joss Stone, Raphael Sadiq, Dwele, and Roy Ayers (among others). Liquor? Shiiiit! More beer than sodas or them damn Lil' Hugs for sure!
The party was a blast. There was plenty of good food and music. What was really great was that the Old Crew was together. Me, Glueman, Cannonball, and our incognito homeboy DirtyLou. Now that nickname is not one I concocted for the use anonimity, but that is his real nickname from back in the day. For what reason I have no idea. He was just as dirty as the rest of us as kids and he was very nice (no where near dirty as in low-down, dirty shame or something). I think we got the nickname for our love of pro wrestling and the presence of Captain Lou Albano. A little more background about DirtyLou; he was the 1st of us to get his degree, but he has yet to land a job over $40K and won't stay at a job longer than say....9 months. As soon as he has the SLIGHTEST conflict with a supervisor, he simply quits.

And there I go digressing again. So all of us were there laughing, Joning, drinking. It was great. Here were some of the topics discussed.

Why is Eva Mendes taking all of the roles in movies that were traditionally for Black women? This wasn't a complaint by any man in there, just an observation.
We ain't know. However, I after the party I asked my artsy fartsy lesbian cousin who said that Eva is getting all of those roles because for one she doesn't mind playing them (ladies, Denzel. Will. Would YOU??) and it is easier for a latina to be assimilated into the mainstream than it is for a black woman. If there is a black man and black woman as the main characters, then the movie is considered a BLACK movies. If its a black man and a latina (or any 2 minorities for that matter), then its just a movie that happens to have an interracial relationship. I agreed with her.

Who is the bangingest chic in the movies?
Eva Mendes
Gabrielle Union
The dark skinned chic that was in "Set It Off"
Stacy Dash
Nia Long
"Bird" from Soul Food

What were some of the best movies of all times?
The 5 Heartbeats
**there were more, but I was too busy laughing at the "Warriors" answer to hear the others.**

Now the most bothersome series of events was the interaction of DirtyLou and his homeboy. Everytime we have an event, DirtyLou never comes with a woman, he always comes with a homeboy or solo. Hmmm. I didn't even notice this until Cannonball says "Who's little girls are those?"

Me: Oh. Those are DirtyLou's friend's girls.

Cannonball: Oh aight. Where is she?

Me: She who?

Cannonball: DirtyLou's girl.

Me: No, no, no. His friend as in his homeboy, not his girl.

Cannonball: Ahhh. Aight den.

**exchange of "things that make you go 'hmmm" looks**

That lit the lightbulb. It got worse. Seems that wherever DirtyLou went, dude was sure to follow. I'M HOPING it was because he felt really uncomfortable around strangers. Otherwise, it was the other thing. OMG....what if??? And when we brought up the gay rumor (I'll blog about that some other time if you wish), he didn't really laugh. No real reaction at all really. I'm worried. Well, not really that much now because I come to realize I've known this man for 27 years. We practically grew up together. He still gonna be my boy. I still got love for him (even if he prefers the chocolate back alley over the creamy street....ish)

Katie Holmes may be the next Wonder Woman. Y'all know how I feel about that. I'm blown. Fuck Katie Holmes and Hollywood. And people get mad at me because I refuse to go to certain movies because there ain't enough black people in it. Hmph!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Jessica Alba

Some fashion faux paus are off the chain! Fellas, make sure you click each pic to see the full size version. Ladies...I dunno. I guess you can be appalled or something. This one is for the menz!

Monday, June 13, 2005

Ghetto Smurfs

I wasn't smokin' weed or nothing today, but what if there was a Ghetto Smurfs cartoon? Here is the character breakdown:

Papa Smurf: the pimp, the loan shark, and just like on the current cartoon, the one that everybody goes to for advice.

RandomSmurf: Papa Smurf, I be havin' problems, dog.
PapaSmurf: What the deal?
RandomSmurf: Yo, it's my girl, dog. She be stealin' money and shit out my wallet while I be sleep.
PapaSmurf: Wait 'til the bitch is sleep and shit. Then you gently put some handcuffs on her and handcuff dat ass to the bed. Wake her ass up with a slap and say "Keep stealin' ma shit now, bitch!"
RandomSmurf: oh word?
PapaSmurf: Yeah. Handle that shit.

CookySmurf: This is the kat who got a "catering" business on the side, but we all know the only thing he got locked down is his convenience store.

RandomSmurf: **entering the store with his smurfs** Hey Cook-kay! What the deal son?
CookySmurf: Ain’t nuthin’. Wassup?
RandomSmurf: Hey yo, yo, yo, yo….check this out, check this out, check this out….Me and my girl, right? We got into it, right? And when we was arguing, she was like, “don’t you…”
CookySmurf: Mutha fucka, get to the damn point.
RandomSmurf: Aight, aight! What I’m sayin’ is , that she was dippin’ in my loot and shit, man. She got a nigga ALL twisted!
CookySmurf: **picking up a cleaver** You stupid mutha fucka! I’m about to bust yo ass up in here!
RandomSmurf: **backing out** Hold up, dog. Hold up. Can I get a soda before I go?
CookySmurf: Go ma fucka! Get the fuck outta here!
RandomSmurf: How about a thing of papers?
CookySmurf: Go!

TrickSmurf: This is Smurfette gone bad. She’d do anything for a dollar, wears her hair a different color every week, and zero couth.

TrickSmurf: **singing, entering store** Cooooook-keeey! Oh Cooooook-keeey!
CookySmurf: What up girl. What you need.
TrickSmurf: Oh Cooky, I got problems baby.
CookySmurf: Oh yeah? Tell Cooky all about it.
TrickSmurf: Well, PapaSmurf was over my crib the other day and he be trippin’! He trying to evicted me!
CookySmurf: Evict?? Why baby?
TrickSmurf: I’m late on my shit, baby. **approaching sensuously** You think you can help me out, boo?
CookySmurf: How?
TrickSmurf: You can….cover me and get PapaSmurf off my back.
CookySmurf: Oh! So you want me to go ahead and pay that shit, huh?
TrickSmurf: Well if you offering baby….
CookySmurf: yeah, I’m offering. But you know I gotta be reciprocated.
TrickSmurf: Oh yeah? What?
CookySmurf: **smile** You gotta toss my smurf.
TrickSmurf: WHAT?
CookySmurf: You heard me….. You gotta toss my smurf.
TrickSmurf: I don’t know about all that….
CookySmurf: Then I don’t know all about paying that shit then.
TrickSmurf: Aight. Come on. **leading him to the back of the store**

HandySmurf: He would be the kat always fixin' something, except ghetto style. For those of y'all who don't know what that means, he'd be the hood car mechanic, plumber, ac repair man, etc.

TrickSmurf: Handy when you comin' thru.
HandySmurf: Oh, you done changed your mind, huh? **wink**
TrickSmurf: **sucking teeth, rolling eyes, with hand on hips** You NEEDS to stop trippin'. I need yo ass to come thru and fix dat plumbin' in my mushroom. There's water all over the kitchen.
HandySmurf: gonna give me some of dat ass?
TrickSmurf: Handy! What you think this is?? You supposed to be looking out for a sista! Fuck you! Ain't nobody thinking about your little dried up, crusty blue dick.
HandySmurf: Funny you ain't say that to CookySmurf last Friday.
TrickSmurf: **walking away** Fuck you.

BlubianSmurf: This smurf is the ghetto version of Brainy Smurf, knows everything but don’t know a damn thing. And always using words he doesn’t know the meaning of.

**BlubianSmurf approaches Jonin’Smurf and his girl, BoricuaSmurf**
BoricuaSmurf: **whispering, but still loud as shit** Oh chit. Here comes dat fuckin’ Blub’an Smurf. He make me sick.
BlubianSmurf: No need to be disarrayed, my blubian sister. I’ve just come to drop that knowledge on you and your sun* so that the 2 of you may prosper in this white man’s wilderness.
Jonin’Smurf: What you know good, Blubian?
BlubianSmurf: Well my azure brother, last night I was reading Smurf X and he said we need to fight the powers that be. The white devil.
BoricuaSmurf: **hands on hips popping gum** ‘old up, ‘old up. Lemmie get dis straight, ok? You tellin’ me that we need to fight the white devil, right?
BlubianSmurf: That is right, sweet pearl of the Smurf Nile.
BoricuaSmurf: **Rolling eyes** What-eva. So tell me, Blu, who da fuck is dis white devil?
Jonin’Smurf : **snickering**
BlubianSmurf: My sister, you know as well as well as I do who that is.
Jonin’Smurf: Gargamelle Mel?
BlubianSmurf: Bursitis-ly, my brother!
**both looking at each other**
BoricuaSmurf: Ok, first of all? Gargamelle Mel is a fockin’ drunk who can’t see his dick if he was pissin’ on hisself. An’ dee ova thing, why jew always talkin’ like dat? What da fock?
BlubianSmurf: First of all sister you should read Smurf X yourself because then you would know that he said that a person who uses propanity does NOT know the real way to express himself. And the words of Smurf X provide knowledge of self. A…..gate for looking into one’s 3rd Eye Blind.
BoricuaSmurf: What-eva! You be buggin’.
Jonin’Smurf: **snickering** Yeah, yo mama so mad at your dumbness, she told you you needed a haircut, so she just wiped her ass.
**both laughing and walking away**
BlubianSmurf: Laugh now, my brethren, but you better not forget that we didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on us!

**to be continued. Maybe…..**

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Wednesday's News

Today was a beautiful day for news. I talked to Jessica #1 today. She is doing great. As a matter of fact, she next week is her last visit to her oncologist. **STANDING OVATION!!** She says she feels like a crackehead fiending because her doctor is weaning her off of her medication. She is a cancer survivor and at one point had a 50% survival rate. And even though she has some drama with her man and some other issues, she managed to beat her cancer. You gotta love that. She's my heroin (the non-pokey kind).

I walk funny. I notice that shit everytime I see my reflection in a window. I think its the deformity caused by my obesity. The stomach pulls down harder towards the earth so that it looks like I'm constantly falling and I'm using my fat ass as a bouy. Trife. But so far I've lost about 8lbs and counting.

Remember that song by that real skinny gay dude with the pinstripped suit? Ok, so I discribed a sizable amount of the singers from back in the 80's. But I saw the guy who sang "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off" in the supermarket. He was about 6' 20 with processed hair and so skinny that if he turned sideways he'd disappear. It was one of those weird flashbacks.

Asexuality is fucking with me. Weird dreams are beginnning. I'm going to spare the details (at least in this post) and just say that in the dream I had somebody bent over a couch and she was loving it.

Onion Update:
white girl onions for month of May: 4.
So far for June: 0.
From blogger(since May):1.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Commando Ko

Once every 75 years Hailey's Comet passes thru our solar system.
Once every 17 years, the locust emerge from the ground.
Once every few years, there is a multiple eclipse.
Once every year or 2, I go commando.

That's right. Today I am briefless, horse with no Jockey, sans da draws.
"What happened?" you ask? Shit! I'd like to know myself! I came home last night knowing that I needed to wash clothes. But I was relying on having a pair of draws in my gym bag. I did have a pair, but they were dirty enough to walk by themselves. I desperately dug into my box (I'm still living out of an HP printer box) and all I could come up with was a pair of polyester shorts. "Hmmm....commando or having my ass and balls get gnarled by the burlap-like texture of polyester?"

Commando was the choice. So now I'm all self-conscience and I pray that this is not the day that I get into a serious accident so that mom won't ask " Did he have clean draws on?" and the reply would be "Shit no! He ain't even have on any draws! Question ma'am....were his pants originally brown pin-striped?"

I sent out an email so some friends to discribe me in one word. Please fell free to follow suit.

Last day of school, and these kids never cease to amaze me. You would expect a school full of truant, disfunctional, rude, and non-academically inclined kids to just abandon school on the last day. nope. We have about 20 kids here when we usually have about 45. Personally, I'm shocked. **Update: Seems that there IS a reason some kids came to school. Just 10 mins ago 2 students were found in one of the bathrooms boning. Efficient, cheap, but evidently not secluded enough.**

And you know whats good to me in the summer time? A cold glass of chocolate milk. Yeah. That creamy taste and smoothness running down your throat on a hot day. The beauty of the condesation hugging to the glass. The traces it leaves of mauve artistic smears inside the glass. The mark it leaves on the lid of your glass and around your mouth symbolizing the joy creates from one small glass of elixir....

Of course, this is out of the question today since I work in a hotbox with no circulation. The verdict? Farting in my own nose with no windows.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


Monday I shared a convo with HourGlass that was to say the least interesting.

...for real. i ain't fuck with nobody in over a year.
Me: Yeah right.

HourGlass: I'm serious. There is too much shit to go with that and all the drama I've been going thru with the brother (she didnt really say "brother", but I don't want to offend anyone) I was dealing with last year; Hasan's father.

Me: Is that right?

HourGlass: Yeah.

Me: So you trying to tell me that you're asexual?

HourGlass: Yeah. Wait. Let me hear your definition first before I go out in the streets telling people I'm asexual.

Me: You know; an asexual person is some one who has no desire for sex or sexual interaction from either the same sex or the opposite sex.

HourGlass: Yup! That's me. I don't feel like being bothered with no of that shit. Mainly because you have expectations from a brother (again, not the same word) and you get mad or hurt if it don't happen.

Me: Then that ain't asexual.

HourGlass: Why not?

Me: Because you don't want to have sex because of the consequences. The aftermath. An asexual person doesn't care, they just don't want to have sex period.

HourGlass: Oh, ok. I see what you saying now.

Me: Yeah. That's my goal in life. I've been working on it too.

HourGlass: (giving an incredulous glance) You.

Me: Yeah me sista (again, not the same word)! Shit. I'm tired of waking up in in the morning with a fucken sex headache. Man, like today I was doing good. I drove up here and didnt have one sexual thought until I saw this girl walking down the street.

HourGlass: You mean 'round here??!?!

Me: Yeah man! Damn, not everybody around here is ugly!

HourGlass: (laughs)

Me: Anyway, she was lookin' so good! Tight shorts and a tight top. She was standing....

HourGlass: How old was she?

Me: Uh.....I dunno. (embarrassed now)

HourGlass: Mmmm hmmm. I don't think you asexual either.

Me: (getting loud) Hey hey hey! I SAID I'm workin' on it!

Monday, June 06, 2005

Weekend with Chappelle

I finally got the opportunity to see the Dave Chappelle Show dvd this weekend. Man, TOO hilarious. I highly reccommend it for all of those looking for something to put in your Friday night dvd rotation.

I also would like to reccommend the muder mystery Fearless Jones by Walter Mosley. Within the 1st 10 pages of the book, its on and doesn't stop. I WAS jealous of the main character though. Since I spent the weekend with the book, he got laid more than I did. Bitter about that.

I have a weird topic to discuss, that is asexuality. That's when a person has no desire to have sex or sexual activities. For me, this would be zen. I would love to be able to have this convo with a woman without later wanting to call up Rosie Palmer:

Woman: So, what do you think about my outfit? (uses her hands to gesture to her attire)

Me: Hmmm......Looks pretty good. Let me see it from the back.

Woman: (twirls around) Do you think its too tight around her? (rubbing her ass)

Me: No, no. It looks good. Really shows off what you got in a conservatively sexy way. The problem I have with top.

Woman: (faces me again) what's wrong with it?

Me: Well, when your nipples get hard, the tightness of the top REALLY accentuates that.

Woman: (covering her nipples) uh oh!

Me: Yeah, it does. But its ok. Very sexy.

Woman: Thank you sweety. You're the best!

Me: Hey! No problem. (exuent.....skipping)

Man....that would be so great! Then not having to go to bed all bent up, having to sneak the ugly chic in and out of your crib......Man! I could just read books and play ping pong.

Saturday my cousin graduated high school. He was a little mad that I didn't scream from the bleachers when they called his name. I thought he would have been embarrassed; and his parents are pretty conservative so I chilled. What's really is embarrassing is what happened at the very beginning of the graduation. There was a fight in the stands! Can you believe that??? A a graduation. And its not like this is some run-of-the-mill high school. This is one of the premier public high schools in the state. All of the graduates from that school can go to any public institution in the state. Auto-in. But they have peeps who wanna fight at the gradution. B-more at its best.

I would LOVE to hear some high school graduation day stories. Mine was me being stuck in Cincinatti. I had to leave school early because I got a scholarship to go to Tuskegee University. The plan was to leave early, take my finals down there, and come back to walk for graduation. Well, the plane was delayed in Montgomery for 3 hours and I missed the flight out of Cincinatti. Weeks later, I STILL hadn't taken my high school finals and I ended up taking them a week before my college finals down at Skegee. So to this day, I have yet to graduate school. Ain't THAT a bitch!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

I'm back!

And crazy refreshed. Man.....I BE FEELIN' GOOD! I got plenty 0f rest. The problem is, I don't have anything to blog! times of emergency, I'm gonna go random again.

How many of you are bi or trilingual? Either way, why do y'all speak in some other language, but use American curse words? Like "Vladimir....rtsh vut jer jher nyet. Bort tyervich shit vlifclto den."
"Da. Fuck shit gvht ayi riffi toock rie."
I noticed this at the Y today. Forgive me for my dilapidated Russian. I haven't pimped it in a while. And speaking of the Y, can you say "shower shoes"? I always were them regardless but after looking under one of the shower benches today I was CONVINCED that it was the only way to fly.

Flying. When I was on the airplane this weekend, some little bastard was kicking the shit outta my seat from the back. I figured I'd used the good ol' go to, Big Black Scary Man with Dreds but instead I targeted it at the parent. I caught his ass with my best BA Barracus stare and he veered ever so slightly. I saw him lean over and say something to the offspring and the kicking stopped. For a minute. I started thinking about all of the different ways I could squash that kicking. Turning around and saying "hey short-ta, hey short-ta! (shorty) YOu better cut that kicking shit out! Its a long ass fall from here to Buffalo!" Or the Dr. Spock way "You don't have to do that, Little Child. Its not very respectful. I wouldn't do that to you because I would want to be nice to you and respectful to you and shit. You would want to do that too, wouldn't you, Little Child?" By the time I figured out the best approach, the landing gear was down and the plane was banking port. I was relieved that I didn't because when we disembarked, I saw that the culprit was about 30 lbs and 28 inches tall. Still in a car seat. Whew!

Friendships are a funny thing. Its amazing that I have so many good ones. What plucks my chicken is when you finally consider someone a friend they do something stupid to fuck the thing up. The good thing is it doesn't hurt my feelings, its more irritating than anything else. **rolling eyes**

One of the radio stations in the DC area is calling June 6 (Monday) Sun Dress Day. All of the women in the DC area are asked to wear their sun dresses that day; even to work. Should be great one. **smile** Zulu, I've seen you in your sundress....very very nice.

One last thing, I will be publishing my 100 Things About Me, but I think I'm going to twist it a little. I haven't figured out how yet, but Imma do it just the same.

I'm out.