Sunday, February 20, 2005

The Ba-bashop

The black barbershop is a place of gathering news, insight, and services. I can't tell you how many contractors or services I've picked up from going to the barbershop. Its also the place where, believe it or not, the art of the African story telling takes place. The 2 "Barbershop" movies did an ok job of bringing that part of the community to life, but there was much to be desired. Here are some examples that were missed in the movie:
1.) People coming in there always selling some half-ass shit.
2.) Homeless people coming in not begging, but getting as much free shit as they can or use the bathroom before they get run out.
3.) Baby mama drama
4.) waiting an hour for your barber to show up.

Yesterday, a homeless man came in and took a rack of condoms from the community basket. He would have taken more if everyone in the shop wasn't gawking at him. When I saw him outside, he was sitting on the steps of another spot with his legs crossed smoking a cigarette as if he were sitting there waiting on his bitches.

LOL! Oh man that was too funny. Here he is, no house, no job, no gear, and he claimin' more than me!

So I'm sitting in there with Canon the Barber and Phil. I've known Canon for years, cool, slick unreliable yet very reliable brother. I better break that down. Canon is the type who if you say "let's go to the Orioles game. I got the tickets. Call me when you get off work"
"aight"
**crickets chirping**
But if I say something like "Yo, I'm at Penn Station with no ride. I know its snowing and shit, but can you and the Blazer come pick me up?"
"aight"
He may take a while to get there, but he'll be there. Phil I don't know. All I know is that he does contractual jobs for builders. So the 3 of us and a couple others are back in Canon's area. Canon was cutting a head, and I was talking to my son. Canon suddenly lifted his head up:
Canon: Hey nigga, what you gonna do with that?
Phil: what?
Canon: that booga you just flicked outta your nose, niggga. I know you just aint put that on my floor!
Phil: **laughing** Aw man! Go head with that! I ain't dig in my nose!
Canon: Yes you did. you dug, flicked it, then wiped the shit on your pants.
**all laugh**'s
Me: Man, that how they do, Canon. Them kats that work on construction sites and shit...they nasty!
Canon: yeah man!
Phil: Aw there YOU go! Looking like that nigga on the Black Eyed Peas
**all laugh**
Me: aight, aight. But I know that you kats do all kinds of nasty stuff. Like blow your nose no Kleenex and shit. Take a dump in the woods....
Canon: Damn! Phil you get down like that son?
Phil: Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do! I done took a shit in the woods and wipe my ass with leaves.
**all laugh**
Me: Trife. Now how many time you done done that Phil?
Phil: Hey, ain't no shame in having to take a shit. I remember one time I was driving to this party. I had gas like a ma fucka and I kept farting. So I'm driving, bomp..booonp....booomp...bom....
uh oh.
Some got out yo!
**all laughing**
Phil: So I said "oh shit! What I'm gonna do?" Man, I was driving like this! (showed how he was leaning with one ass cheek off of the seat) So I pulled over to the highway, got out, walked over (gingerly)to the woods, pulled my shit down and off, wiped my ass with the draws, threw them into the woods, got back in the car and went to the party.
**all ROLLING now**
Me: Yo! I'm blown! You STILL went to the party?
Canon: Hey Phil! For real, that's how you roll Phil?
Phil: Hey man, I couldn't help it! DOn't even tell me you never did that.
Canon: Hell naw!
Phil: Canon....you ain't never farted and the shit accidently come out?
Canon: I ain't never wiped my ass with the draws I shitted on, naw!
**all laugh**
Me: Yo. You couldn't stop and go to Ross or TJ Maxx to get some draws? Or even go back home?
Phil: Naw man! The party was right down the street and it took me 45 minutes to get there.
Me: And you wasnt going back home?
Phil: Naw!
Me: Well, damn. Was the party any good with your stinkin' ass?
Phil: **laughing** Off the hook son. I took care of it when I got there with some toilet paper and soap.
**I laugh**
Me: Toilet paper and soap, huh? Damn. You a wild boy Phil.
Canon: You nasty mutha fucka! That's just like when you was over my house and took a shit, I didnt have no toilet paper in that back bathroom!
Phil: Oh hell naw! There was toilet paper in there!
Canon: No there wasn't!
Phil: Yes there was! Wasn't no soap, but the toilet paper was there.
Canon: nasty bastard. That's why I don't give you no dap, nigga!
**all laugh**
Me: Damn Phil. And since you work outside, you do that shit at work too, don't you?
Phil: Naw, man. Well....yeah. I had something like that that had happened one time......

To be continued........

3 comments:

chaparritadeoro said...

DAMN! That was some funny shit! You had me laughing from beginning to the end!

Blonde Ambition said...

Damn!!!! That is funny...still laughing! By the way my 13 year old son recently informed me that the word for that was "prairie doggin it" lmao.....and the blowing nose thing.....I see guys do it all the time in the winter when they are shoveling snow....eeeewwwww....blowin snot right there in the snow...yet another reason not to eat snow! hehe

Brother Kojak said...

Hehehhe....yeah, only eat snow from the sky. And maybe not even then!

Prairie-doggin' it? WTF? Man, most of the folks around here don't even know what a prairie dog is! I think that one is going to stay regional, I damn sure don't envision ME using it.