Wednesday, September 27, 2006

TTTT: Tell The Truth Tuesday (even though its Wed)

Ok, y'all we haven't done this in a while and its both of our faults. So let's get back on the wagon.

We all get them; some of us have enough will-power to refuse them, others of us just say fuck it.


I'm looking for 2 things here: name one indecent proposal that you refused, and another one that you accepted. They don't have to be sexual, but I know ALL of y'all have gotten the sexual ones. So when in doubt, go for the draws. I want a response from all my peeps please and yes, keep it anonymous. Go.

Friday, September 22, 2006


The next person I see who comes at me and touts that Farfegnuken shit, I’m gonna punch them slam in the face. Last night, my Farfegshitten landed me slam in a chain link fence on the highway. I was driving down Rt 97 in MD. One of the nicest highways in the state because of the few amounts of speed traps. I’m doing my thing when I notice the wheel begin to veer to the left. I slowed down to correct it, but when I did the car suddenly corrected itself and I went launching towards the shoulder. Only thru the Grace of God did I miss a light post but wore out the chain link fence. I unclenched my jaws (and my ass cheeks for that matter), let go of the steering wheel and rolled down the window. Good. I can get out if the door won’t open. But the door opened and I wobbled out. Up the highway I saw 2 vehicles pulled over. They must have called the poe-poe because one of them sat there until Trooper Friendly showed up. The first sentence out of my mouth was “Don’t worry, officer. Drinking and smoking were not involved, “ as I assumed the position.

OfficerFriendly: What are you doing?
Me: Huh? Oh….nuffin’. I can tell you right now drinking or drugs were not involved.
OfficerFriendly: yeah. Don’t worry about that. Are you alright?
Me: Yeah, I’m fine (fire engine pulls up)
AAFD: You ok? Do you need to go to the hospital? Any injuries?
Me: No. No need for a hospital. Although my shoulder is starting….
AAFD: Ok greatgoodluckbye. (Speed off to the nearest Subway to eat fresh)
Me: Damn. (watching them speed off)
OfficerFriendly: Can I have your license and registration, please?
Me: Ok. (trying to remember if I’m legit as far as tickets, fines, and interstate warrants.) Got it right here.
OfficerFriendly: (After running my steelo) So what happened?
I explained to him what happened. While the AAFD and OfficerFriendly were there, I was on the phone with AAA. Funny…after the accident that’s the 1st thing that came to mind: Somebody get me the fuck outta here. About 20 mins. Pass and the tow truck shows up. But check this out, it wasn’t Bubba with a bad case of butt-crackitis or Willy Bo who talks so fast you can’t understand what the hell he’s sayin’…..

It was my boy Deepak Manjeet?!?!?! Whoa! I have NEVER seen an Indian tow truck driver, let alone a Sikh. I was blown; life is just too damn wild sometimes. He puts the car on the bed and we roll out. After he left, I stood back and took a look at my “new to me” car. My little flashy Jetta with the boomin’ system and slick wheels and black paint looked like it got pistol-whipped by a massive piece of barbed wire. The current symbol of my life. Sleek and silkiness marred by a constant shit beating. The blessing is I walked away from it. Looking at the skid marks, I was about 3 feet away from a for real for real hospital stay. Thank God for that. (See? I told you guys you weren’t missing much. Ugh)

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Another Reason I Ain't Shit #3

This happened about 3 weeks ago and in my hiatus, I forgot to blog or mention it

So I get this call from an unknown number on the cell (I hate that) and its the Offspring's buddy's mother. She was inviting him over for a sleepover for her son's b-day. I said sure, but then it hit me....slam in the face..."self, this is the SMOKIN' hot mom from last year. The one who kept catching you staring at her. Yeah, her." So, as a barely responsible parent, I'm analyzing how I can drop this kid off, be cordial, and get the hell outta there. **snapping fingers** I got it!! I will take the Mother of Offspring. That way, if I stare too much, the ramifications are a week's worth of dirty looks.

The kid gets all of his stuff together for the outing, and NumberOneStunna's direction's get me all hemmed up. She picks up the cell and says "I'll meet you outside." Great.
I swing a u-turn and nearly crash cause DAYYYYY-UM! she's outside in workout gear. Oh no, NOT the frumpy shit you see the busted ass mothers in the PTA and bake sales, but the Under Amour joints. holy cow. Ok fellas, let me describe this chic to you....take Vanessa Williams in her late 20's or early 30's, give her a sexy smile with a slight gap (I don't have a celebrity comparison), and the body of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ta-dow. The top was tight and pink, with short silver bottoms that had the same pink colored stripe. I felt my left eye twitch while my mouth had a slight watering around the edges. "You gotta stop trippin'. Implement Phase II" I thought. Phase II was for BK to be a jackass; talking loud and obnoxious. I must have helped because she just gave me a weird look, a laugh and a shaking of the head. Mother of Offspring wasn't much help; she said hey and never even got out of the car. So to summarize, I get out of the car talkin' dumb shit, literally grab the kid and throw him at her, scoop up all his shit and put it in her arms, and then ball the hell outta there.
The next day I went to pick up the kid, and when NumberOneStunna answered the door, a total transformation. The hair was typed up in a rag and the workout clothes were now sweat pants and a tee. She still was bangin' though. Hmmm.....I wonder if she saw me drooling and twitching the day before?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Oh man! And so what did you miss

Sorry about the delays in blogging, but BK has been wrapped up in BK. I was telling someone the other day that I haven't blogged in a min. and she tells me "maybe its more interesting to live life than to blog about it. " Profound and shit. Here is a synopsis of what I've been focusing on, for better or worse:

1.) stroking the salami
2.) fantasy baseball
3.) fantasy football
3.) the Offspring's football season
4.) The plight of the Underscores
5.) stroking the salami
6.) injuring the salami
7.) an overall state of jackassedness

1.) We're not going to get into that one too too much. You know the email address.

2.) I got my ass kicked in fantasy baseball. I know baseball is not that popular, so I won't even go over the roster. I came in 4th place out of 8 with a score of 101-100-5. My 2 biggests mistakes: not getting Putz off of the wire, and trading Carl Crawford for Shea Hillenbrand, Kenny Rogers, and Mick Cappauano.

3.) So early and yet so far away. I'm already in 2nd to last place and that's only because the guy in last place did so poorly last week. I have the only team that hasn't scored at least 100 points per game. My premiere players, Ronnie Brown and Cadillac Williams have a combined 2 touchdowns and 85 yards. Gonna be a long season fantasy-wise.....

4.) It was bothering me that we weren't practicing and today I found out why. There seems to be a rift between our guitarist and our drummer. I don't know what it was, but what I do know is that he didn't want her in the band anymore and she said she wasn't comfortable around him. Too much drama for a non-paying gig thus far and all the while our bass player is still 3 weeks away from being homebound to India. Don't you just love happy fucken endings?

5.) and 6.) I'm not going to go too deep into this, but I can tell you that too much activity without the proper external supplements WILL lead to injury.

7.) I've been a jackass lately. In the sense that I'm not being considerate of the feelings of others. I want to blame it on stress, but I think I'm in the early stages of the Curmugeon Syndrome. I'm easily irritated and caring less and less about how abrasive I come off. I hope it's because of all the stress I'm putting myself thru. Either way, the people in my life are getting tiny pieces of hell.

What's today, Wednesday? Damn I just want to stay in the bed, chat on yahoo with some talk radio in the background. I like to have background noise when I sleep. Hmmm....Wednesday also means that its Heidi night. She has a new gig in DC that i have yet to see due to additional dumbness. I'm trying to save my pennies for a move, but I I think I need a fix. Heidi has that effect on me, like the exhale of a menthol cigarette; that slight minty burn that moves through your chest and elicits a quick feel of euphoria when completed.