Tuesday, May 23, 2006

TTTT: Ashes to Ashes

It has come to my attention that there are some white people who don't know what ashiness is. No, it has nothing to do with smearing the ashes in the fireplace on you, but it has to do with the lack of the good lotion on your body. White people get ashy too but because of their complexions, its harder to see. When your ass is as black as mine, ash stands out like a brother at the Grand Ole Oprie.
So the Tell The Truth Tuesday of the week is: When was the most embarassing instance of ash? (For example, going to workout and your knees look like they've been dusted for fingerprints)


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

TTTT: Happy Mother's Day!!

First of all, if you haven't read it yet, Reese has a new post on her site that is not necessarily funny, but culturally cute. Check it out when you get a chance.

I know its late, but Happy Mother's Day to the remaining mothers who read this blog. And since this is your forum to tell it like it is and how you want, why don't you share with all the non-mom the one thing you are NOT allowed to talk about on Mother's Day, the thankless, grotesque, heinous, "I should have kept my draws on" crap you have had to deal with as a mom. Nothing cutesy, but the really shitty shit. And please, more of something specific as opposed "My daughter is a bitch" or "my son is an asshole"

Ready? Go.....

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Ever wonder how people perceive you? I found out a couple days ago that someone who is an industry heavy-hitter told a colleague that he found me impressive. Me. Shit-talking, joke-making, Brother Kojak. Its amazing what some people see in you, and just as amazing as what some others DON'T see.

Do you know what blocking is? That's short for "cock-blocking". That term is no longer PC and blacks don't say "cock" so it got shortened to just blockin'. There is this kat at work, let's refer to him as ChiefBlocker...dude is ALWAYS blockin'! He blocks on all the young women too, but particularly the one I referred to as Blondie some time ago. I don't know what's changed from then til now, but dude has changed. Like the last time I went over there, I barely got in the door before he jumped up with the handshake "how you doing, BK? Everything alright?" Everything be alright if you let me talk to the person I intended to talk to and peace out my face. Shit!
Today was no different. My boy/co-worker DoubleR went there today to fix Blondie's computer, and before he could sit down at the desk "Hey! What's up? What you doing?"
"I'm..uh....fixing this computer."
"Oh, oh. Ok. That's cool."

Then he's working on the computer and she mentions that her computer at home is all banged up for some reason or another. ChiefBlocker says "Yeah. What you need is a man to come over there and fix that for you." Ok, note the strategy behind the block. Here DoubleR is, a computer pro while ChiefBlocker is not. Yet he still says "You need a man to come over and fix that..." Insinuating "Hmph! This mutha ain't no man. He might be able to fix a computer, but he still ain't no real man. I might be able to fix your computer AND I'm a real man." DoubleR was not or never will be trying to get at Blondie, and yet; the block. Its a damn shame. That's his steelo, block until blocked. Now I'm curious about what's going on between those two. According to my sources, absolutely nothing. I think the Chief needs a nice warm hug from another man while he's told "It's ok, brother! I'm on your team! We can do this together. You ain'ts got to block, man!"

Unfortunately, I've been blocked by him too many times. Its on now! Not because I want to get at Blondie, just on GP. I can't go out like that; doesn't he know I got a Phd??(playa hata degree)

And I ain't making any trips anywhere! My ass is broke!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Imma Soldier

Celibacy. Hmph! Fancy that.

I'm going to try and blog today, but I have so many crazy things going on in my life I don't know what's kosher to blog and what's not. Don't worry, its all legal. The best way to say it is my wife is pissed at me; this time it may be perpetual.

MMM. Ever eat salt and vinegar chips? They have this weird effect of like scratching the sides on my mouth making me feel like a victim of a bad Botox injection. They good though!

Weekend was pleasantly uneventful. Gorgeous all weekend too. Sunday I stayed home and chatted and watched indie movies. PrettyPussy(Cat) called and asked me wtf was wrong with me. I said nothing and her response was "Something's wrong. you sound pathetic." Pathetic. I have NEVER been called pathetic. So with that. I went to the mirror, looked at myself and said "Aight, man. You've moped around long enough. You have 15 more mins of acting like a pussy and then thats it." After that, the rest of the day was great. Watched movies all day, played on the computer, then had dinner with my mother and son. All good stuff. But before I forget, I would like to thank PrettyPussy(Cat) for being such a great friend all these

Today I get an email from one of my advisors. He asked me to come meet him so we can talk. I get there, and he tells about how one of the contest advisors (Baltimore's Mosh Pit) was impressed with me. You ain't think I didn't shoot dude an email?!?! Shiiiiit! For better or worse, I'm an opportunist. And when it comes to the job market, I'm a fox; when you leave the henhouse open, I'm taking me a chicken!

Hmmm...celibacy...chicken. I think tonight I will fantasize about eating baked chicken off of an asian chick with big boobs.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Brother Kojak's Top 15

Here are the hottest honeys in the entertainment industry based on 1 criteria; how much does she make me rub my dizzat? You know how we men (particularly us brothers) rub ourselves as if to keep the dizzat from jumping out of our pants? This list is based on that effect; the higher the woman is rated, the harder I would end up rubbing myself. Hey, trife is life!

(honorable mention) Nicole Lyn: She’s been in a bunch of small stuff, but I fell in love with her in the movie “Feast of All Saints”. She was really pretty and cute, but her womanhood was exposed in the voodoo ceremony scene. I feel bad for enjoying that scene, but her boobicles were just talking to me the whole time. I had to put on a bib too. Why is she at the bottom of the list? Because she is married to crooked-domed Dule Hill from “The West Wing”. Hurt-ting!

15. Cynda Williams: It is really disappointing that this gorgeous being is not in more movies. I think she screwed up when she had her big chance in “Mo Betta Blues”. She really wasn’t that good in it, but she oozed sexy in the movie. She has done a few more movies, none of them big. Don’t expect her here on the next list; mother nature is winning the beauty battle here.

14. Vanessa Williams: She was my number 1 for years. Vanessa had the fine wine effect, she just seemed to look better as she got older. However, those days are gone.

13. Stacey Dash: She would be WAY up on the list if she had a cup size bigger than a Dunkin' Doughnuts mug.

12. Lela Rochon: I used to go back and forth for my #1's between her and Vanessa Williams. Recently, motherhood has dealt her a bad hand. I mean, REAL bad. She now looks like her own uglier older sister. She really is only on the list because she was soooooooooooo bangin' in "Boomerang".

11. Amarie: So....damn....SEXY!!! Woo hoo! The only problem is how small she is. No ass, no boobs, just legs and a very pretty face; almost the same effect as Stacey Dash except Amarie can move. Movement my friends, is ALWAYS sexy.

10. Jennifer Lopez: The infamous J-Lo. She really shouldn’t be on this list, but I guess I’m giving her props based on the J-Lo from back in the day, pre-Ben Afleck. Mostly everything else about her bothers me though; the smaller bootie, the less ethnic look, marriage to goofballs. Still a beautiful woman, just ain’t got good sense.

9. Chenoa Maxwell (from the movie “G”): This woman is an acquired taste. Glueman seemed to think she looked like a cheetah, I on the other hand panted like a dog every time she entered a scene in the movie. The sex scenes ain’t hurt either.

8. Nicole Ari Parker: Sexy sista all day. This Baltimore native has the sexiest eyes of the entire list. A little on the small side, but she can definitely get it. I’m hatin’ on the husband though. These damn light-skinned trying to take over the domain!

7. Lisa Raye: Mmm mmm mmm. A ‘Round the Way Girl makes it to Hollywood and THEN marries a dignitary. I just look at her just wish she was a popsicle.

6. Carmen Electra: Something is wrong with this chic. She is hot as FIRE and just…is…(damn, how do I put this nicely)…uh…dumb as an unflushed turd? She’s been in more films lately, dumb shit, nonetheless so I guess it makes sense. But for every interview, her IQ or CSQ (Common Sense Quotient) seem to go down. I mind is a terrible thing to waste and her ass doesn’t even know what the United Negro College Fund is.

.5. Alicia Keys: Alicia used to be very sedate with her performance criteria as she is more of an artist than performer. One day, she went to an image consultant and the consultant said “You are striking. Maybe you can leverage your beauty to sell more records.” I have a good idea when that happened too….when she performed for last year’s Grammy Awards with the spaghetti strapped sequenced dress with the long slit up the side. My oh my.

4. Selma Hayek: Always sexy always hot. It was hard putting her this low but when you see the top 4 you’ll understand why. She STILL gets props for the striptease in “Dogma”.

3. Eva Mendes: She is always getting the role of the hot Latina who dates the brother, but shit, who’s complaining? She is just sexy for no reason and her pout puts Angelina Jolie’s pout to shame.

2. Mariah Carey: Mmmm mmm mmm! Can’t nobody fuck with Mariah! No one! Not even my #1 pick. Mariah is categorized as one of my favorite types of women: the Nasty Ass Broad. There is nothing better for a man to have than the knowledge that when he goes home, ANYTHING goes. Mariah was #1 on list when she was crazy; love how she showed the world how much of a bitch Carson Daily is. I love it! The ho-ish videos, the boob jobs. Man. I really can’t get enough. I think if I ever saw her in person on the street I’d probably scream like a bitch AND cry like one.

1. Vida Guerra: Numero Uno. Miss Guerra is a damn phenom. Thru the miracle of genetics, you can’t tell if she’s a white girl who’s built like a sista or a sista who is very fair. Funny thing is you’d be kinda right either way because she’s of Cuban descent. She doesn’t act, she doesn’t sing, she just models. She is the prototypical girl in the videos with the big juicy bootie. Yes, she is the stereotype mamas want to their daughters to stay away from. Yes, she is a one trick-pony and that pony is trife. Yes, she is not the smartest player on the team (still smarter than Carmen). But when all is said and done, Vida is the banginest chic out there. She has a bunch of elements that I’ve mentioned in the other women. Imma marry her ass one of these days…..(yeah right)

The Sistas

What a weekend! Drama all over the place that will not be revealed until a time when the waters have calmed down. But what I can blog about is the fashion show Cannonball and I went to. "Fashion show?!?! YOU of all people Brother Kojak?? I'm shocked!" Please monkeys, make no mistake this was no typical fashion show and my presence was definitely an anomonally. You see, Cannonball and I went to the fashion to egg on and harass one of his clients who is a QITter (Queer In Training). He's a 6'2, dense mama's boy and the "rasping" was just.....unavoidable. I mean, this big ass boy walking around timid like a bald-headed cat; come on! Cannonball egged me to go, but shit, that wasn't hard to do. So we went out and Cannonball's 1st words were "Aww man...what's DIS shit? They ain't got no stage...mmm" For some reason I wasn't bothered. Inside I knew that the festivities were about to begin. The layout was one big room with lights taped to the floor, a couple of tables with snacks on them, and a curtain that separated the models from the audience. And SOME of you know how WE do as a people...the show was supposed to start at 6:00 and didn't start until 6:30ish. So then the show starts, and the emcee announces that they have a local artist to sing. And out thru the curtain pops this Amazon warrior meets Jill Scott meets Monique. Whoa. Afro puff hairdo and red opened back dress (THAT....was not good).I mean, she sounded good, but all that red walking up and down the aisle was crazy distracting. I mean, she had on a girdle and it STILL ain't help. Mmmmm mmm mmm.
So the models come out. The 3rd model that came out, I almost stood up and said "damn!" But I maintained. Cannonball and I both asked the woman who convinced to go how old short was. "15 and y'all better calm y'all asses down!" Oh well.
After the 1st set, there was another singer who came out and did his thing. He was pretty good. I think he was on the down-low, but whateva honey. Keep that shit on your side of the fence. Nil Scott came out again but this time with a much more sedate outfit; definitely more Jill Scott than Monique. Oh I forgot...there was this one model who came, and I had to start fanning myself like an old lady in church. MMM! 5'8ish, dark honey complexion, shoulder length hair, ample bosom, and legs that went on for days. There was this one sequence where she stopped and posed for about 4 minutes right in front of us and I was stuck on stupid looks. I tried not to stare but, hey...you know.
Right before the last set this other local artist came out named CR. He was pretty good. I think he was on the down-low, but that's just a suspicion. Plus he's a male singer, so who cares anyway?
So they end the second to last set (the aforementioned one above) and this guy comes out and says "I'm sorry y'all, but we cannot continue until some of you move your cars. We are not supposed to be on the grass..blah blah blah". Apparently they had oversold the event and people were parking all over the place. Cannonball looked at me and said "Let's roll. 'Specially since there's only 10 mins left." Bitter that I didn't get a chance to cross paths with AmpleBosom, I got up and left with my boy. Damn I'm greedy. But everyday yet dolled up sistas doing their thing on the "runway"? Niiiiiiiiiice!
We drove on over the motorcycle spot; for those of you who don't know (most of you I presume) in the Wabash Shopping Center is the parking lot of Wendy's. Every Sunday a bunch of kats get in their motorcycle garb and meet up there. I was surprised that the egos were on low. Maybe because it was early in the season. Then all of the sudden, you hear these grunty, burping engine noises. "Awww damn. Here come the assholes." and it was a fleet of dirt bikes with riders doing wheelies up and down a busy Northern Parkway. Slowly but surely, the real cyclist left leaving the dirt bikers to doing their wheelies and tricks for hot assed teenaged girls.

But back the title of this entry. The Sistas. The beautiful shades of cocoa, the full (which is subjective) lips, the high cheekbones, and the booties that can be compared to no other booties on the Earth. Sistas, thank you for being you. And thank God I live in an area where 6 months out of the year I can capitalize on seeing as much as your beauty in shorts and tanks as much as possible.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

TTTT: Oops! 'Cuse me

I was working late last night and my co-worker didn't know I was in there with him.


What the...? Dude just farted no problem! Damn!

Which leads me to the TTTT for the week; where is the most embarrassing place you cracked your ass?