Monday, April 04, 2005

what is that noise?

Oh God. That is my stomach. Churning the Chocolate Lucky Charms I had yesterday morning thru my intestines.....

Damn. I gotta take a shit.

I don't mean to be gross, but it beez like that sometimes. Its a bodily function that we all do, however, I have a real psychosymatic problem with it. I get REALLY self-conscious about having to take a dump outside of a place of comfort. I can't go to a public bathroom because 1.) its gross and I don't have any familiarity with the previous ass that sat there 2.) I get self-conscious about my potential bodily sounds and odors that may be emitted. One time I couldn't hold it and sat in what I thought was a secluded area of the building and took care of business. Right in the middle of my, uh....session, somebody walked in and non-chelantly said "Hmmm. Stinks in here." And walked out. I was so embarrasssed. Right there on the bowl I prayed that he didn't recognize my shoes or belt buckle.

Anyway, so today I face that dilemma again. And I work at a middle school with extra-immature kids. That's the LAST thing I need from them "Mr Kojak was in the bathroom takin' a shit y'all!" I'm in a panic. Take some breaths. Yeah. That works. Can't fart...could be deadly.

Damn! Gotta go. BRB....

Whew! I am so proud of myself. I got over my issue and did the damn thing. I'll leave out the gory details, but I will tell what I end up doing. This is how pathetic I am with this phobia:

I couldn't take it anymore. I just had to go. I actually considered going out way in the woods with some toilet paper and a shovel. I passed on that. I decided to go to the IIS (In School Suspension) Room. The room is secluded and no kids had been taken there yet (which was a miracle in itself). I ran to find the custodian, Mr. StupidMuthaFuckas. No, he's not stupid but thats how he references the students 9 times outta 10. I asked him for some toilet paper and without expression, he walked over to the janitor's closet and handed me a roll. I tucked the roll under my sweatshirt and jogged down the hall. I jogged instead of walked because I knew that if I sat there longer than 10 mins, it was going to be trouble. Therefore, I agitated my contents with a short jog.
Today was my day. There was no one in there so I ran in and quickly shut the door. I hooked the toilet seat up and sat. Oh shit! No lock on the door!! I was about to stand back up and relocate, but my intestines told me otherwise. I sat back down, leaned forward, and held the door tight with my fingertips. Now, keep in mind I'm a "thinker on the can" type man. Its not unusual for me to sit there for 20-40 minutes. Shiiiiiiiiit. Not today! I was outta there in 7.
Later in the hallway I saw Mr. StupidMuthaFuckas.
Me: Hey Mr. S. Thanks for the hook up earlier.
Mr S: Saved your life huh? **laughing**
Me: just don't know!
**both laugh**

KeyLo-Lo Update: No update today. Ms HourGlass (and her new huge tits) told me she wasn't coming in.

1 comment:

Blonde Ambition said...

Jeez...don't you guys have a faculty bathroom?! You know...out of the way place? At our school, ours was done up by the ladies...being that there are maybe 35 female teachers and 3 males lol So of course the potty room is flowered...has chintz...a Martha Stewart Living magazine or two...and of course the obligatory can of air freshener (wink wink) But hey......the flowers would have stopped your rhythm I'm sure lmao!