Good Party: Tru Skool Style/ Bad Party: The Haters Ball

Happy New Year's to all of you. Hope your holidays were great. Mine were fine; nothing to brag about, but good nonetheless. I have a post like this pretty much every year, my New Year's Experience. This year is gonna be a little different. Yes my good people, we are gonna juxtapose a good party in comparison to a bad one. Last month, I went to the best house party I've ever been to in my life. Here is why it was the best:

1. 2 different djs spinning records from hip hop, r&b, 80's, 90's, and reggae.
2. food: chicken wings, salad, rolls, shrimp cocktail
3. beverage: you name it, it was there.
   
4. crowd: 4:1 ratio (men/women). Not great numbers, but in a party with this type of music, it was impressive
5. duration: party lasted until about 5.
6. memorobilia: 47 pics taken

NOW...as usual, I set my self up for a nice New Year's Eve. Place to stay and research for what was going on in town. For the 1st time in years I was going about it solo but I was ready. I figured I should be around friends so I called WhatAboutMe to see what was poppin' in DC. There were 2 options. We could either go to the Bohemian Caverns restaurant grand opening and enjoy open bar, buffet and 3 dance floors for $50 or go to a house party in Northeast. We chose the latter.

Collosal mistake.

We chose the house party because a house party is usually bang or bust. Given that this couple had a party a few weeks ago that was pretty good, we took our chances. I was to meet the peeps over there. It was raining and unfortunately I had to park about 2 blocks away. I didnt wear my all purpose coat from the Devil because I wanted to look cute. (I'm paying for it now with a scratchy throat) So I'm in my 70's leather hustling up the street. I walk on the door, wow. Nice. Crib. The door was frosted glass with arch. One of the walls was exposed brick and in the dining room were matching built-in glass display cases. Nice. Real nice.
The 1st mistake of the party was that it was too splintered. The house was big; (shared by 4) there was a group of about 7 in the kitchen. Upstairs was the smoking room; there were about 4 people in there. On the top floor there was a chic laying on the floor alone chatting on a laptop. In the dining room was a laptop hooked up to some speakers playing mp3's with Media Player. Getting into the kitchen, I soon realized why everyone was in the kitchen; THERE WAS NO DAMN FOOD MAN! Yes....a party, with little to no food. The hostess had some nachos and salsa. In the oven wasn't some buffalo wings or even pigs-in-a-blanket. No, sista girl was baking some cranberries and bree wrapped in pastries. What the fuck is bree? Dude, do you not know I've been representin' B-more for years? What the fuck? I found out bree is some kinda uppity cheese.

Oh God.

Media Player. There is nothing wrong with playing music from a computer for a party, but uhh....why hit repeat if you have tons of music saved to the laptop? It was bad enough listening to undancable 80's music, but to hit the repeat button halfway thru the next song? Come on! Ugh!

Then it was almost midnight. The hostess herded us upstairs to watch the ball drop where I heard WhatAboutMe's friends say one of the most triflingest things to end the year: "Damn, that ain't Dick Clark. They got puppet strings connected to him. That's Howdy Dowdy." What an asshole. So the ball drops and hugs and kisses are exchanged. Then I realized something; oh shit, I'm buzzed. Why?

Because there was no gaddamn food, man!!

One sustains a buzz when food is not there to absorb it. Plus I was just sitting around instead of dancing or something. I had a rum and coke, and a psuedo-martini. Buzzed. This was actually a bad thing because I wanted to get the fuck outta there. Now I was stuck for another hour. Shit. So at this point, I figured me and WhatAboutMe can make the party by gettin' our stupid on. That worked great for a while, until 2 of the girls who were in the kitchen came to join us. Let's call them Shleprock and Droopy. (No, Shleprock is a dated reference. Change that to Debbie Downer. ) We're laughin' and I decide to be a gentleman and let them in on the convo. Bad idea. They both just kinda smiled. When asked where they were from they replied "Baltimore." What? Wassup?!?! East side or West side?
Debbie Downer: West side.
Droopy: East side.
Me: Ahhh! East side! You must be gangsta!
Droopy: Well, I'm from there, but now I live in College Park.
Me: Oh! Let me guess, you went to U of Md, graduated, but never left the area.
Droopy: Riight!
(All smile)
(Silence, still smiling)
(More Silence...then the trumpet in the background:"wooomp, wooooooom")
Me: Uh....so, Miss Lady (indicating to DD), what do you do?*
Debbie Downer: What do I do?
Me: Yeah, bitc...yeah, man! I mean what do you do? For a living? To eat and shit? Ya know?
Debbie Downer: Oh! Well, I.....I'm....(looking at Droopy)..it's...
Me: You just ain't working now. Got it.
Debbie Downer: Yeah.
Me: Yeah.
Droopy: Hello all you happy people.
(wooomp, wooooooom!)

Now I'm blown. Just blown, but the liquor is still on me. Droopy and Debbie Downer walk off and DJ MoonRisesSunSets and WhatAboutMe sat and looked at each other pitifully. "What the fuck is bree?" I asked as the hostess went upstairs. People started getting their coats and rolling out. We quickly followed suit as the music turned off before we could even get our coats. It was 1:45. 1:45 and a New Year's Party is over??? Ugh. So here is the 2nd portion of the juxtaposition:

1. Computer playing 80's.
2. food: nachos, salsa, bree and shit
   
3. beverage: you name it, it was there.
   
4. crowd: 1:1 ratio , but Droopy and Debbie Downer made the rest of them look bad.
   
5. duration: party lasted until about 1:45.
6. memorobilia: 4 pics taken

What did we learn? Not a damn thing. Well, we did learn that when in doubt, do it your damn self. That party was so lame we are seriously considering having a If Your New Year's Eve Sucked Make-up Party. Stay tuned.





*it is always bad to ask someone from B-more what they do for a living as a good portion of people there are either out of work, are from job to job, or just don't do shit.