Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The Blogger.com Sodologist

Remember when I mentioned the now defunct www.emptybowl.com? Well NeighborGirl is now 2 or 3 reviews from being the proprietor of emptycan.com to review sodas. Check out this chat and this email. Its the beginnings of an empire I tell ya!

NeighborGirl: hey

Me: hey

Me: wassup

NeighborGirl: not much

NeighborGirl: I'm a little lit, just a little

NeighborGirl: I sent you an email earlier, before I had a drink

Me: ok. let me go check it out

Me: what you drinking?

NeighborGirl: jack and DietCherryVanillaDrPepper

NeighborGirl: that's the only way diet cherry vanilla dr pepper tastes good, with jack, otherwise it's some nasty shit, but the liquor makes it tolerable and a little nifty

Me: oh! how did that taste?

Me: nifty....very good

NeighborGirl: I don't, however, feel sophisticated, I read an online study about how beverage makers are adding flavors to their soda as an attempt to market to women and their sophisticated tastes

Me: oh?

Me: like DietCherryVanillaDrPepper?

NeighborGirl: after drinking the dietcherryvan... crap I just feel normal, and a little like Dundalk, where they need all those extra flavors to amuse themselves

NeighborGirl: so their you have it, sophistication comes out rather low-class in the end

Me: lol

Me: excellent break down

NeighborGirl: not bad for half lit if I do say so myself

NeighborGirl: liquor must make me a hay philosopical or something

NeighborGirl: philosophical

Me: nah....I can contest to that though

So remember that crap I told you I read about the beverage companies
adding flavors that appeal to women to make them feel more
sophisticated? Today I drank a Diet Black Cherry and French Vanilla
Pepsi Jazz and it was soooo sophisticated you will never believe what
it tasted like- Pepsi and cough syrup. It was just like back in the
day when I was 15 and I'd sneak a little of my dad's whiskey in a glass
and mix it with shit trying to feel grown-up. Good old Pepsi beat me
to the punch, I never thought to mix in cough syrup with my soda and
whiskey. How's that for sophistication! I hear the Diet Strawberries
and Cream Pepsi Jazz tastes like Pepsi and Jolly Ranchers.

I'd continue this email but I have to go sit in a leather arm chair,
puff on a cuban, and drink my Pepsi and cough syrup so I can feel

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Tom Was Little This Year (And Other Useless Internet Banter)

I hope you all had a wonderful, productive, festive, fulfilling Thanksgiving. (Actually, I could give a fuck, but I figured I'd say something. How was mine? Why...thank you for asking! **rolling eyes** Mine was fun, I would give you the full blast blog entry for it, but come to find out from my gallop poll that it REALLY wasn't THAT funny or at least won't translate to text very well. The synopsis:
  1. AreYouGay? Really is gay, but still considers that normal.
  2. It is inappropriate to make fun of the dead and disabled, but damn its funny.
  3. Kids joke books still suck. I suppose if you are an author of such material your comedic career has hit rock bottom. (Coming to the children's section of a Black bookstore near you...."Knock Knock...It's Kramer!!!" by Michael Roberts)
  4. The family has a new Thanksgiving tradition of re-enacting Thanksgiving dinners from the movies. This year's feature: The Color Purple. "I looked up and saw you, and I knowed dey is a God."
  5. I HATE those broadcast text messages sent from someone's phone. One damn near ruined my Thanksgiving.

Hmmm....Today is Tuesday. Back in the day, this would have been a prime opportunity to do Tell The Truth Tuesday. Given that no one cares any more, fuck it. And that would have been the theme too. Your Thanksgiving....beautiful or dutiful? Reply if you want, who cares...

Did you know that Jay Z has about 4 different Greatest Hits albums? How can that be? Isn't there an industry standard on the number of Greatest Hits you can have? Oh...wait. no there isn't. I think between Jimi Hendrix and The Eagles that shit is out the window. Here is the songlist from Jay Z's most recent greatest hits joint:

1.Can I Get A / Jay-Z

This is a perfect song to start off this list because I can't stand any of the pop songs by Jay Z. This one is no different.

2.Hard Knock Life / Jay-Z

This is the worst one of all. Sucks more than a ho in Singapore.

3.Wishing On A Star / Jay-Z

Don't know this one or it sucks so bad I blocked it out.

4.Can't Knock The Hustle (FT Mary J. Blige) / Jay-Z

Ehhh! Its aight.

5.Ain't No Nigga (FT Foxy Brown) / Jay-Z

This was Jay Z's first aired song. When I heard this I said "Hmmm. Now there's a one hit wonder if I ever saw one." Fancy that.

6.Ride Or Die / Jay-Z

Not sure if I know this one or not. If its the one produced by Timbalan then its ok at best.

7.Brooklyn's Finest (FT Notorious Big) / Jay-Z

Anything with Biggie is tight. Recognize.

8.Imaginary Player / Jay-Z

Don't know this one.

9.Friend Or Foe / Jay-Z

Don't know this one either.

10.Friend Or Foe 98 / Jay-Z

Don't know this one either either.

11.More Money More Cash More Hoes / Jay-Z

cheeseball to the max.

12.City Is Mine (FT Blackstreet) / Jay-Z

Pop goes the weasel.

13.Reservoir Dogs (FT Blackstreet) / Jay-Z

Pop goes the weasel part dos.

14.I Know What Girls Like (FT Puff Daddy & Lil' Kim) / Jay-Z

You're kidding, right? Puff is an album killer.

15.22 Twos / Jay-Z

This is one of those playa for life songs. Please.

16.Money Ain't A Thang (FT Jermaine Dupri) / Jay-Z

Ok, now this is more like it. It's another play for life song, but at least the hook is catchy.

[Jay Z]

Bubble hard in the double R flashin the rings

With the window cracked holler back

Money ain't a thang

[Jermaine Dupri]

Jigga I don't like it if it don't gleam clean

And to hell with the price cause the money ain't a thang

17.Dead Presidents II / Jay-Z

Name sounds familiar, not sure that I know this one.

18.Regrets / Jay-Z

Definitely don't know this one

So it seems as if I'm either not a big Jay Z fan or I'm just an old cruddy and don't know nothing. They don't have any of the songs I like like "Bring It On", "You Don't Know" , "Jigga What". I guess I'll just wait for the box set.

I know its late, but the phrase of the day/Wednesday is "Phat in the tail. " In use: “I don’t know how that girl can get in a size 8 jeans. She gotta be at least a size 10 since she so phat in the tail”.

Know it, use it, good bye!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Blogging Sucks

Hey everybody. Remember me? Brother Kojak? The salty brotha who always has something to say yet nothing at all? huh? No, no. Not Fonsworth. That guy's a queer. I'm the brotha with the dreds...somewhat altheletic....no, no. Not Ricky Williams. He's all banged up....thinks he's a new jack hippie although I DO envy him for his abs and nipple rings.

No, I'm the kat that had the NFL Preview on the blog? Remember? Here are a couple of reminders:


Ahhh, yes! Now you remember. And to make matters worse, you ain't miss a damn thing. So what's been going on in the last month? oh nothing major....marriage is still a fiasco, no new gig (but at least I'm not unemployed), and I just got a new car with a crappy system. How you gonna sell a black man a car with a half-ass radio? That's absurd. Things I've learned about myself in the last month:

1.) I was fishing around the internet, and found out that I used to have a website bookmarked called www.emptybowl.com. Dude would critque cereal. Stupid idea, but man it came in handy in its own odd way. Sadly, it is gone.

2.) I should leave the partying to the youngin's. I've haven't seen the goddess Heidi in weeks. **sigh**

3.) I start out 80% of my verbal stories as "...this girl I was messin' with..."

4.) I lost about 12 pounds during Ramadan. I gained 15 pounds after that.

5.) I would be doing a lot better in fantasy sports if I let a hot chic draft for me. That way, the other dudes wouldnt pick as well during the draft because they'd be watching her bounce up and down.

6.) I will never be a fantasy sports commissioner again.

Let's start with my weekend. Believe it or not, it was eventful. Friday, 2 of TheOffspring's boys came over and I was asked to help out with that. We took them to dinner, the movies, and then for ice cream. 2 of them didnt go to sleep until about 2 in the morning. I woke up at around 5 to shake the weasel, and one of them (I found out the oldest and yet smallest one) dropped like a Collosus of a load in the toilet. I had to dump ACID down the damn drain man. Like he was holding that for weeks.

So there was my sleep for the rest of the morning AND his Pops wanted to pick him up at 7:30 because he had a game. So that one left, and the other one wouldn't get up until about 10. So we went to IHOP. Sat down and got waited on, but after about 20 mins and 2 tables getting their food before we did, I threw $5 on the table and bounced. PISSED!! It wasn't racism or anything like that, just incompetence. So we went to Burger King across the street and ate chicken samiches. **rolling eyes** My mom called and asked if she could treat them to go-cart racing. I took them there, and on the last lap the other kid (YouTooOldForThat) damn near broke TheOffspring's ankle. TheOffspring was in the parking lane about to get out of the car when shorty ran into his cart. TheOffspring bent over in a weird way and I thought his ankle snapped. He was screaming (I think because he thought that it was going to snap) and I snapped at YouTooOldForThat not because I was mad at him, but because he was so careless....whenever they pitstopped before he had no problem stopping. But of course, when it counts, he smashed him. So both of them end up crying; YouTooOldForThat more so than TheOffspring. I had to give him a peep talk ALL the way to the house. Geez....sensitive.

Sat. night I sat and watched a "Dexter" marathon on Showtime. That's a good show. Check it out if you have cable. I also ended up spilling carrot juice all over the carpet without realizing it. Great. In the morning, after eating some HOMEMADE breakfast grub and scrubbing out the carrot stain with pro strength Resolve like Cinderella, I finally ended up taking YouTooOldForThat home. The rest of the weekend was good too; pizza, beer, and a whole lotta none-ya-business!

Don't expect another post no time soon. Blogging sucks!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

TTTT: Late as Usual

With my sudden bordom with my blog, its really hard to get the Tell The Truth Tuesday out on time. So, it's a day late, but luckily not a dollar short. (wow...AND corny). So I have 2 TTTTs:

1.) What is the incident that make you scream like a bitch?? For example, you at the family reunion and a spider lands on you and you go bananas.

2.) Give us one time where you were late, shouldn't have been, everyone noticed, and you were just plain embarrassed .


Wednesday, September 27, 2006

TTTT: Tell The Truth Tuesday (even though its Wed)

Ok, y'all we haven't done this in a while and its both of our faults. So let's get back on the wagon.

We all get them; some of us have enough will-power to refuse them, others of us just say fuck it.


I'm looking for 2 things here: name one indecent proposal that you refused, and another one that you accepted. They don't have to be sexual, but I know ALL of y'all have gotten the sexual ones. So when in doubt, go for the draws. I want a response from all my peeps please and yes, keep it anonymous. Go.

Friday, September 22, 2006


The next person I see who comes at me and touts that Farfegnuken shit, I’m gonna punch them slam in the face. Last night, my Farfegshitten landed me slam in a chain link fence on the highway. I was driving down Rt 97 in MD. One of the nicest highways in the state because of the few amounts of speed traps. I’m doing my thing when I notice the wheel begin to veer to the left. I slowed down to correct it, but when I did the car suddenly corrected itself and I went launching towards the shoulder. Only thru the Grace of God did I miss a light post but wore out the chain link fence. I unclenched my jaws (and my ass cheeks for that matter), let go of the steering wheel and rolled down the window. Good. I can get out if the door won’t open. But the door opened and I wobbled out. Up the highway I saw 2 vehicles pulled over. They must have called the poe-poe because one of them sat there until Trooper Friendly showed up. The first sentence out of my mouth was “Don’t worry, officer. Drinking and smoking were not involved, “ as I assumed the position.

OfficerFriendly: What are you doing?
Me: Huh? Oh….nuffin’. I can tell you right now drinking or drugs were not involved.
OfficerFriendly: yeah. Don’t worry about that. Are you alright?
Me: Yeah, I’m fine (fire engine pulls up)
AAFD: You ok? Do you need to go to the hospital? Any injuries?
Me: No. No need for a hospital. Although my shoulder is starting….
AAFD: Ok greatgoodluckbye. (Speed off to the nearest Subway to eat fresh)
Me: Damn. (watching them speed off)
OfficerFriendly: Can I have your license and registration, please?
Me: Ok. (trying to remember if I’m legit as far as tickets, fines, and interstate warrants.) Got it right here.
OfficerFriendly: (After running my steelo) So what happened?
I explained to him what happened. While the AAFD and OfficerFriendly were there, I was on the phone with AAA. Funny…after the accident that’s the 1st thing that came to mind: Somebody get me the fuck outta here. About 20 mins. Pass and the tow truck shows up. But check this out, it wasn’t Bubba with a bad case of butt-crackitis or Willy Bo who talks so fast you can’t understand what the hell he’s sayin’…..

It was my boy Deepak Manjeet?!?!?! Whoa! I have NEVER seen an Indian tow truck driver, let alone a Sikh. I was blown; life is just too damn wild sometimes. He puts the car on the bed and we roll out. After he left, I stood back and took a look at my “new to me” car. My little flashy Jetta with the boomin’ system and slick wheels and black paint looked like it got pistol-whipped by a massive piece of barbed wire. The current symbol of my life. Sleek and silkiness marred by a constant shit beating. The blessing is I walked away from it. Looking at the skid marks, I was about 3 feet away from a for real for real hospital stay. Thank God for that. (See? I told you guys you weren’t missing much. Ugh)

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Another Reason I Ain't Shit #3

This happened about 3 weeks ago and in my hiatus, I forgot to blog or mention it

So I get this call from an unknown number on the cell (I hate that) and its the Offspring's buddy's mother. She was inviting him over for a sleepover for her son's b-day. I said sure, but then it hit me....slam in the face..."self, this is the SMOKIN' hot mom from last year. The one who kept catching you staring at her. Yeah, her." So, as a barely responsible parent, I'm analyzing how I can drop this kid off, be cordial, and get the hell outta there. **snapping fingers** I got it!! I will take the Mother of Offspring. That way, if I stare too much, the ramifications are a week's worth of dirty looks.

The kid gets all of his stuff together for the outing, and NumberOneStunna's direction's get me all hemmed up. She picks up the cell and says "I'll meet you outside." Great.
I swing a u-turn and nearly crash cause DAYYYYY-UM! she's outside in workout gear. Oh no, NOT the frumpy shit you see the busted ass mothers in the PTA and bake sales, but the Under Amour joints. holy cow. Ok fellas, let me describe this chic to you....take Vanessa Williams in her late 20's or early 30's, give her a sexy smile with a slight gap (I don't have a celebrity comparison), and the body of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ta-dow. The top was tight and pink, with short silver bottoms that had the same pink colored stripe. I felt my left eye twitch while my mouth had a slight watering around the edges. "You gotta stop trippin'. Implement Phase II" I thought. Phase II was for BK to be a jackass; talking loud and obnoxious. I must have helped because she just gave me a weird look, a laugh and a shaking of the head. Mother of Offspring wasn't much help; she said hey and never even got out of the car. So to summarize, I get out of the car talkin' dumb shit, literally grab the kid and throw him at her, scoop up all his shit and put it in her arms, and then ball the hell outta there.
The next day I went to pick up the kid, and when NumberOneStunna answered the door, a total transformation. The hair was typed up in a rag and the workout clothes were now sweat pants and a tee. She still was bangin' though. Hmmm.....I wonder if she saw me drooling and twitching the day before?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Oh man! And so what did you miss

Sorry about the delays in blogging, but BK has been wrapped up in BK. I was telling someone the other day that I haven't blogged in a min. and she tells me "maybe its more interesting to live life than to blog about it. " Profound and shit. Here is a synopsis of what I've been focusing on, for better or worse:

1.) stroking the salami
2.) fantasy baseball
3.) fantasy football
3.) the Offspring's football season
4.) The plight of the Underscores
5.) stroking the salami
6.) injuring the salami
7.) an overall state of jackassedness

1.) We're not going to get into that one too too much. You know the email address.

2.) I got my ass kicked in fantasy baseball. I know baseball is not that popular, so I won't even go over the roster. I came in 4th place out of 8 with a score of 101-100-5. My 2 biggests mistakes: not getting Putz off of the wire, and trading Carl Crawford for Shea Hillenbrand, Kenny Rogers, and Mick Cappauano.

3.) So early and yet so far away. I'm already in 2nd to last place and that's only because the guy in last place did so poorly last week. I have the only team that hasn't scored at least 100 points per game. My premiere players, Ronnie Brown and Cadillac Williams have a combined 2 touchdowns and 85 yards. Gonna be a long season fantasy-wise.....

4.) It was bothering me that we weren't practicing and today I found out why. There seems to be a rift between our guitarist and our drummer. I don't know what it was, but what I do know is that he didn't want her in the band anymore and she said she wasn't comfortable around him. Too much drama for a non-paying gig thus far and all the while our bass player is still 3 weeks away from being homebound to India. Don't you just love happy fucken endings?

5.) and 6.) I'm not going to go too deep into this, but I can tell you that too much activity without the proper external supplements WILL lead to injury.

7.) I've been a jackass lately. In the sense that I'm not being considerate of the feelings of others. I want to blame it on stress, but I think I'm in the early stages of the Curmugeon Syndrome. I'm easily irritated and caring less and less about how abrasive I come off. I hope it's because of all the stress I'm putting myself thru. Either way, the people in my life are getting tiny pieces of hell.

What's today, Wednesday? Damn I just want to stay in the bed, chat on yahoo with some talk radio in the background. I like to have background noise when I sleep. Hmmm....Wednesday also means that its Heidi night. She has a new gig in DC that i have yet to see due to additional dumbness. I'm trying to save my pennies for a move, but I I think I need a fix. Heidi has that effect on me, like the exhale of a menthol cigarette; that slight minty burn that moves through your chest and elicits a quick feel of euphoria when completed.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The _______'s

Oh man! So I didnt post about the 1st practice for our band. The _____'s. The 1st practice was good considering it was the first one and it was a straight jam session. A bass, a sax, and guitar. I was pleased though; very pleased. I got antsy about the self-proclaimed FunkyFemaleGuitarist guitar player joining us, but knowing how wishy washy musicians are, I wasn't holding my breath for her to show up.

But damnit, lo and behold if FunkyFemaleGuitarist did in fact show up. And like the DOC, it was funky enough. It seems like because of the make-up of the band we are going to be a jazz meets funk, funk meets jazz type quartet. Personally, I would love to add some hip hop into the mix. I have to work on my partners though; I seem to be the only true hip hop head.

So what's next on the plate? We've decided on 2 grooves, practice, practice, then open mic nite. Boom.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Weekly Update

Hey good people/monkeys. I don't have a ton of time so I'm going to give you guys a crappy summary of my week. It matches since my week was so crappy.

1.) I saw "Rollbounce" on cable the other night. The movie really really entertaining. It was black kid bubble gum and a throwback style which I could relate to. BowWow did a pretty good job. The movie was really well cast too; there were a bunch of kids in the movie who we've all seen as child actors from just a few years ago. If you haven't seen it, check it out.

2.) Keep the prayers/good vibes going for PrettyPussy(Cat). She is having some family issues that she's dealing with. Keep your head up girl. I'm proud of you because you are such a damn soldier.

3.) Saw Heidi Tuesday. Yes, people. That is going to be my regular hang out on Tuesday. She and the band are doing a great job given the limitations. And check THIS shit out...she gave me a hug! I 'bout died. OOoh ooh! AND she talked to me after the 1st set too. She likes chocolate and happily married. **snapping fingers** Damn.
The word on the street is getting out about the gig so if you are in DC you might want to check her out.

4.) NeighborGirl and I had a convo that she deemed bloggable so I will regrettably share it with you. She asked me if I remember the little cupcakes that parents make for kids in school that had the little ice cream cones baked with them. I said barely but I remember moms bringing some cakes and cookies. Some were good, some were bad, but the worst one was the food I bought in one day. It was international day in junior high school and I decided to bring in some nachos and cheese. Why did I get the great idea to heat REGULAR cheese on the nachos? So when it was time to eat out international flavor, I had a big lump of nachos with cheese goo. Brilliant. To add shit on top of shit, I was determined to win the costume contest, so my mom took an old curtain, and cut it into the likeness of a pancho. The print was perfect, but uh...yeah. It was a damn curtain. I wore that shit, had my lumpy nachos, and STILL ain't win. Sweated my ass off walking home because my makeshift pancho's hotness factor. It sucked because it was cool walking there; like cool like the fonz, cool as in temperature. Walking home I remember it being hot as hell though; sweat running down my back to the crack of my hot, curtained ass. Got so bad that I just took the pancho off and put on my stinking gym shirt that was festering in my locker all week. So instead of being damn near faint, I decided to smell my stinking as the full 1.5 miles home. Again, brilliant.

5.) I had a phone interview with one of the Big Six Thursday. Why they calling a nappy-headed brother like me from a Tier 3 school I don't know. I haven't heard anything from them so they must have changed their mind. The resumes are flying like propoganda during the Cold War. Its past that time to make a move.

6.) I have a song stuck in my head....I can't get it out either. But it's really catchy.

Don't have much to say
but I called you anyway
to kiss your
lips in

you have to hear it; smooooth. Bilal Salaam.

This weekend calls for sun, fun, food, drinks, and maybe some lotion for my dry dizzat.

Peace out monkeys.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Weekend In Review

Weekend Notes

You know you’re repulsive/creepy when:

A woman walks into a restaurant; she avoids eye contact with you but knows you’re looking at her. (Description: skyscraper tall, shoulder-length auburn curly hair, and a caramel complexion) I would turn around every now and then to check her out, but one time I turned around and she went out the other door. I KNOW I wasn’t leering at her, but my looks were just enough to gross her to the point of going out the other door. Stuck on busted.

Can there be ANY other show on tv that’s more masculine and testosterone injected than “The Contender”? I mean, “Monster Garage” and its rival show with the father and son are all up there, but when the shit hits the fan, do they actually fight? Hell no. That’s all staged. These guys on “The Contender” are going to fight regardless. And the only other form of hand-to-hand combat that’s more savage than boxing is Ultimate Fighting. The funny part is watching this show with the promo commercials for the World Series of Darts. Are you for real? Darts? Does anything else say fat, lazy, white-men-can’t-jump, barfly, no-job-having more so than a dude who can rock you at darts? (and yes, this includes all ethnicities) Hard to be any more of an unathletic athlete than that.

Had another good practice with the Offspring today. Might have to get out there more because he is getting a beer belly. No, I ain’t give him no beer! Regardless, he’s learning and absorbs A LOT more than I anticipated. Should be some interesting results especially since he still doesn’t understand the rules of the game.

Did you know that Tom & Jerry is now Politically Correct? The Offspring and I saw one of the more inflammatory episodes where the maid in the house was the stereotypical big, fat, and black "Mammy" stereotype. At least, that's how it was when I was a kid. Tom was supposed to stay up and catch Jerry, but after a night of partyin' with the fellas the Pussy Lounge, he couldn't keep his eyes open. So Jerry proceeded to help Tom go to sleep so he could get is ass whopped by Mammy. Back in the day, the cartoon would go something like “To-MAS!!! Why you in hurh sleepin’ knowin’ dat mouse is runnin’ around in!” Then Tom would get the broom upside his head. Today we watched it, and she said something to the effect of “Thomas! Why aren’t you attempting to catch that mouse? Don’t you mice are dirty and unsanitary? Get that mouse!” I DEFINITELY don’t mind a more positive spin on how my people are depicted, but Phylicia Rashad I wasn’t expecting.

Looks like I’ve gotten my 1st White Girl Resume. She has potential given I grew in the suburbs too, but there are some other elements that may take some adjusting. The physical assets, however, are impressive. This resume deserves further review.

NAME:  Renaissance
ADDRESS:  Super white suburb of the city where it’s safe.
HOBBIES: painting my nails
                hiking in the forrest
              identifying North American birds and bird calls
              brushing my hair
              going to museums
LIKES:  crackers and cheese
          romantic movies
          long walks
          pop music and top 40
          putting on lotion
          trying on clothes- white women love to shop
DISLIKES:   coconut- white people hate coconut
               fake nails
               dry skin
               spicy food
Best pic asset:

Saturday, July 22, 2006

A Night With Heidi (Finally!)

WARNING: This post is going to be very chatty and sporatic. We talkin' about my girl now so....yeah. AND blogspot deleted my 1st 2 attempts.

So I'm on the phone with NeighborGirl talking and looking for the jazz spot. I find it, peek thru the window and "Oh my God. That's Heidi! Gotta go..." and abruptly closed the celly shut. I walk in, and I must have had the stupidest look on my face because she immediately smiled at me. The convo with me, Heidi, and my innards went something like this:
Heidi:Hi! Thanks for coming.
Me:**stupid grin and mumbling something incomprehensible**
Heidi:**smile** How did you find out about the show?
Me:Uh....I got the thing, the uh...in da emails. Uh...
Heidi:You mean the flyer?
Me:Yeah, YEAH! Yeah, son...I mean...yes. I'm on your mailing list so I saw the flyer and decided to come out.
Heidi:Really? I have you on a mailing list? Wow....when did you get on the list?
Me:Well...I...uh...signed up for the list a while ago.
Heidi:**smile** Oh ok. I thought you saw my myspace page.
Me: You have a myspace page? Damn I hate that site.
Heidi: Yeah, I hate it too, but its so easy to use, it’s a good way for musicians to stay in touch, and I can make announcements without using the email broadcast. **shrugging shoulders**
Me: Great…now I have to create a page just so I can see what’s going on with YOU! **smile** As a matter of fact, I’ll make it when I get home.
Heidi: Alright. I’ll check and see tomorrow. I’ll be looking for it. **smile**
Innards: rwgrwgragarea---awwww-RWRARRR!
Me: YEAH! I mean, yeah. The thing is about the mailing list, I did it a while...let me just say it. I've been trying to keep tabs on your performances for a few years now, and this is the 1st one I've gotten to see since Blues Alley.
Heidi: **gasping** You remembered me from THAT performance? Wow, that WAS a long time ago! That is so sweet! **touching my arm**
Innards: OhmyGodshetouchedme, ohmyGod. Reduce blood flow to lower extremities and take evasive measures! We gotta keep this dummy from tipping over!
Me: **gulp** Yeah I guess. It’s just really good to see you live again. **shifting nervously back and forward**
Innards: **dizzat throbs twice**
Heidi: Why, thank you! It's nice to know that I've kept a fan for such a long time.
Me: Garsh. Umm...I'm going to let you finish setting up and I'll set...uh...over here...on this long this thing. BENCH! I'll be over here on the bench. Well, not like in baseball...this bench over here. Yeah. Uh,....have a great set.
Heidi: Ok! See ya!
Innards: Hurry to the bench! HURRY TO THE BENCH!!! We are loosing control of major bodily functions!!!

So I quickly stammered to the bench to gather my bearings. I let my heart rate decrease by checking out my surroundings. It was a typical DC yuppie place; marble bar, tiny rest rooms, small kitchen to serve tapas, floor space for sitting not dancing, and a slightly elevated stage for performers. On the brick walls were pictures of people from the African and Indian Diaspora; REAL freaky. All of them had this blank stare into the camera that was truly unnerving. The crowd was mixed but dominated by lesbians, mostly manly women with a few lipsticks thrown in.
The band then began to play; the music de jour were 2 heavy r&b’ed up jazz pieces, not bad. Not my thing, but I was listening. Then…
“Ladies and gentlemen, now making her way to the stage, the talented Miss Heidi Martin.” She walked on the stage and thanked us all for being there. After a little pow-wow on the stage, she began to sing “Black Ghandi”. Mmmm. That’s all I got to say about that. And as if her voice weren’t sexy enough, I noticed that she has this habit of humming/singing a song right before the band starts playing. Yummy. 3 songs were sung and we applauded the set. Heidi stepped off the stage, and sat right next….to ME! (Well, not exactly next to me; the bassist’s stepson was sitting next to me.)
Heidi: How was it? How was the sound?
Me:**looking at StepsonSon as if to say “dude, say something because I’m so tired of stammering.”
Step-sonSon:Oh it was good. The guitar was a little strong, but still a good set.
Heidi:** looking at me waiting for my input. **
Me:Well, yeah. He’s right. The place is small enough that it’s not that big of a deal, so it still sounds good. You might want to turn your mic up a bit though.
Heidi:Oh ok. Hmmm. I was wondering if you guys could hear me.
Innards: Get that stupid grin off of your face, boy! Damnit! We need a distraction but she is right here. Shit!
**celly rings**
Me: Ahh. I better take this…excuse me.

So I take the phone call outside where there was more cigarette smoke than inside. When I get back in, I just realized that I had someone sitting next to me for the past couple songs. Hmmm! A rather out of place looking woman; she had a conservatism about her that screamed civil employee. But nosey me had to find out more.
I was going to put in the dialogue about this convo, but it’s too long and is of no great consequence. I mean not to say that she was boring, but this is a Heidi post, HEIDI POST! Actually, it was a good convo. She’s a teacher (boom) with classical voice training. She actually got a lunch lesson from Heidi the next day.
So the last set began and both my new friend and I were struggling to keep our eyes open during the ungodly hour for a weekday night. The set went great sharing commentary with my new buddy. The STUPID, mad kool part was when the set was over and they were about to wrap things up when some dude yells, “Do another one!” The bassist goes “What do you want to hear?” Then. Silence. Impulsively, your boy BK shouts, “ Do a poem! Do a slam!” At this point, Heidi was in her chair packing her music and getting ready to roll out. Then she looks up, dead at me and says, “you want me to do a poem?”
Now….let me digress for a second here. Y’all remember that Whitney Houston video “Run to You” when she is in the white dress singing all seductively and the wind blowing thru her hair? Yea, that was me envisioning Heidi saying to me:

Heidi: **breathlessly** You….want me…to do a poem…for you my sexy dredded Nubian king? To put your soul, your spirit at ease…from the safety and comfort of my warm welcoming bosom…. The fruits of my….

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE CLUB, everyone was looking at me, but luckily they couldn’t see my engorged dizzat….

Innards: Wake up, jackass and answer her!!
Me:UH…YEAH! A poem.
**audience claps as Heidi agrees and steps to the stage**

Oh man! You talking about tight! Heidi did a poem while the band did a jazz number in b flat. It was a great way to end the night. I got in my car, with the biggest, pumpkin-eating smile on my face. I called PrettyPussy(Cat) and I must have sounded like an idiot talking all fast like BandCampGirl and squealing like a mouse dragging a trap. No Man Points last Tuesday; I left them all on the bench thingy at the club. Fuck it. I shared time and space Heidi. **sigh**

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Fucken Blogspot

you know, I should have known better than to try to blog and then save what I've written on here. I had 3/4's my experience with Heidi (http://www.heidimartin.com) typed up and ready to go, and I come back here today and the shit is gone. Back to the damn drawing board.

Note to you monkeys: I do not hate white woman. Stop emailing me stupid shit. Find something else to get mad at like slavery in Africa, corrupt politicians, the piss crust around the rim of your toilet bowl. This blog is for my mental health and your entertainment. You don't like it, don't read it and peace out my face. Never been with a white chic and I'm not ruling it out; as a matter of fact I'm taking applications.

Yeah....let's do that. WHITE GIRLS ONLY! Send me sure personal resume and a best asset pic. Maybe its time to sample the vanilla milk.

**rolling eyes**
I'm out like whoa.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

No TTTT Today Because.....

 This Summer...Tuesday Nights...begins JULY 18th!!!


Janelle Gil~p Mark Prince~d Alvyn White~g

perform originals




2463 18th St.NW, Adams Morgan-Washington, DC, 20009 202-667-0088
Cost: 2 drk. min/sets at 9:30pm and 11:00pm (JULY 18th-opening night)


Vocalist/composer/arranger, Heidi Martin...

NEWS: Heidi Martin was one of six finalists in the London International Jazz Competition, which featured 107 competitors from 25 nations.

Check out the latest news & recordings from Alone Together cd :http://www.heidimartin.com

Heidi Martin Music
© Pisces-Gemini Publishing Company, Ascap.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

My Week Just Got Better Exponentially

girlishy sexy Stacey Dash is naked in Playboy!!

There IS a God, and let the church say AMEN!!!!

TTTT: Naked And Assed Out

We'll get to the TTTT in a bit but I have to vent 1st. If you buy a brand new car, still got 30 day tags on it, why in the FUCK would you already put decals and stickers on it? I don't know if I've mentioned this kat before (JimiBuffet), but it was his car. I could read the stickers, but I'm sure one of them was or had something to do with stupid ass Margaritaville. Damn he's banged up.

Due to a change of plans I decided to call the Ian(P) against the advice of r and have a meeting with her this evening. I made a couple phone calls and got the low-low on her and I'm good to go. She's a Hall & Oates "Maneater". What out, boy...she'll chew you up!

Um....why does my co-worker like to rub and pull on his lips when he's reading something? He already look like one of the damn Simpsons, don't make matters worse! Hehhe...when he first started, one of my other co-workers used to call him Barney. That shit was funny until I guess released that that hurt his feelings so he stopped calling him that. Funny, but banged up.

And speaking of banged up, let's talk about me. I get up this morning to take a piss. 5:35 AM. I go to the bathroom which is literally 3 feet from the bedroom door. I piss. I come out and my dad greets me. 5:35 AM. "Morning."
Besides being 5:35 AM, what was unusual about this morning greeting? I was bare ass naked. Yes. Naked. Why? Well it was hot last night so it was one of those RARE occassions I rocked a b-day suit. So I'm coming out of the shitter, I peak out, and as soon as I take that 1st step, POP! There he is. Perfect. Fucking perfect.

So...share my pain. What was YOUR most embarrassing moment of nakedness?


Saturday, July 08, 2006

I Can't Hang

Man....I was going to go to GayPower's cookout today, but I'm really not up for the seeing a couple of men wining on each other. Ish. I ate some hot dogs last night and even though that was hours ago, I'm SURE them bitches would be coming up if I saw that shit.

Very lazy day today...trying to figure out how to get resituated given some unforseen financial mishaps. My brain has also been flowing with some decent entreprenuerial ideas so that's been marinating on my brain too. The offspring and I will be doing football drills as soon as it cools off. This is Week 2 of our spring training camp; so far so good.

No decision on meeting the -Ian(P) yet. Not sure I want to make that drive. I get so damn lazy on the weekends. BUt I can't get too lazy because my ass is broke until next pay. I will be sweating my balls off in the kitchen in a effort to save some cash by fixing my own meals. Wish me luck.

And then came Sunday...

I didn't meet with the Ian(P)this weekend; too much pressure. Not sure if I'm mature enough too do business with a hottie. If she's what I've been told, I'd be too distracted to deal with anything involving real estate. Sa, so sad the mind of the man.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

I Hate Everybody

I have this song in my head called "Lay It Down" by Dwele. Stuck. The worst part is, all I know is the hook. I do know any of the verses. Oh well.

Mad drama over here. I don't want to discuss it because most of you come here to get your laugh or "hmmm...that's interesting" on. So we are gonna keep it light.

Isn't it amusing when you know a man who as just as nosey as a woman? Noseyness gossiping are things usually associated with women (except for Lou Ferrigno in The King of Queens), but every now and then, you get a guy who just can't help himself. My boss hurt his ribs on the 4th. He called in and said he had a rib injury and left it at that. When he came into work today, my one co-worker was all in his business: "What happened?" "Did you go to the hospital?" "Did your wife notice?" "What medication are you on?" And you could tell by talking to him that he didn't want to answer a whole lot of questions because most of the answers were yes or no. I asked dude "why you interrogating the man, Walter Cronkite?" His reply was "I'm just curious." Curious is Standard American-English proper for nosey. Y'all ain't know that, did you?

Ever been jealous of someone you don't even know? I have a friend who has a crazy wild sex life, and periodically she does the 3some with this couple. How lucky is THIS mu fucka? A sista AND a latina at the same time??? Playing with my emotions. Some kats just have it made like that; me, I do my majic with internet pics and some dollar store lotion. I hate everybody.

Weekend should different. My cousin GayPower is having a cookout. From the looks of it, I will be the only straight one there. Again, I hate everybody.

Just got a call from this real estate agent. She wants us to meet this weekend to discuss business in her state. Now, its not likely that I'll buy there, but one part of me says not to rule out all my options. Now, the dizzat waggin' caveman in me says "Hmmm....rumor on the street is that this chica is HOT. You should go just to see what she looks like." Trife livin' on my part. I'll just have to play it by ear and see what I do. Hard to resist a sexy Panamanian. I feel myself oozing out of the chair when she talks. Mmmmmm....

My ShouldBe wife will be in town in a couple of weeks to perform. OMG....I don't know if I can handle it. That voice, the way she throws her hair bag when she hits a long soulful note. Szszszszszs! I think remain seated the whole time and I'll wear 2 pair of underwear just in case I loose it.

HEy! I'm blogged out and shit! Only thing I can think about is Philly, boobs, Panamanian peas and rice, and chocolate martinis. Why...I don't know. Well, I know, and somebody out there knows...and on that, I'm peace the fuck out.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Shmoozing II

So last night I went out shmoozing again; brown pin striped suit, patterned dark tan shirt, striped tie the color of the suit, the stripes on the suit and a complementary green, and of course, the chocolate slides. I wish I had a funny story about it, but I don't. It was a typical "who are you?" mosh pit of executives for a dinner that was the cost of a lease payment on a Pontiac. It was so rough, that me, the King of Schooze, only got 1 business card. Long night too...from 5:30 until 9:45. The upside? OPEN BAR. And no, the BK did not get lit up. As a matter of fact, everytime I hit the bar I would say "rum and coke. easy on the rum" There was no way I was gonna get caught and be so comfortable with someone that I'd say something retarded like " BOB! What up, SON?! You holdin' it down?"
But those things are always fun to me. I surprise myself how I can be so comfortable in that situation and still go to the barber shop and everything is "mutha fucka" this and "nigga" that.

Today is Tech. Services Hawaiian Shirt Day which included a Mexican Buffet. huh? I don't know, don't ask. All I know is that when it was time to do the group pic, I was GONE! Happy Hour is tonight so we shall see how that goes. The co-worker I don't trust will be there so I'll make sure to pop in and then pop the hell out of there. Thats all I got for now...you monkeys be safe.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I Got A Case of the Reese's

I gettin' like Reese now, I feel I have absolutely nothing to blog about. Actually, I have a ton of stuff to blog about, but it's really too painful now. I can say this, you don't really know yourself until not only when the shit hits the fan, but when you can smell it. That's where I am not and it would be an even bumpier if it wasn't for my girl DancesWithJesus (yes, there is a story behind the nickname). Thanks, luv. You are a God-send.

One good thing about living in the Baltimore/DC area is the incredible diversity and the number of festivals that go along with that diversity. I've already missed 2 festivals just by blinking. This weekend there is the somewhat-insane Carribbean Festival in DC. My goal this year is to go to both the DC and B-more festivals and juxtapose the 2. I've never gone to both so its high time my old ass gets on it.
The 1st comparison will be DC's Carribean Festival. The Festival takes place on about 8 blocks of Georgia Ave. Floats go by from different area Carribean clubs. The Trinis usually truly represent, but every now and then the Yardies do their thing. Personally, I will nuetral. I'll watch some of the festivities, walk up the street to be with WhatAboutMe and her crew as they DJ on Georgia Ave.
Hey. Friendship is unconditional, right? Then why come I have no problems ignoring this email from a friend even though its for her to go to Thailand and get surgery?

Just out of curiosity...
anyone in town on July 4 and able to take me to the airport at 6:00 in the morning?

Shiiiiiiiiit! I ain't the one! Not only would we have to be friends with benefits, those benefits better include ALL of the orifices.

YO!!!! Vida Guerra is naked like whoa in Playboy!!! Life is good. damn good.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Same Shit...Different Era

In this day and age, we see a lot of multi-ethnic children and interracial couples all over and thats a good thing. It's something I'm used to from upon until I realized one important thing, SOMEBODY has got to give SOMEBODY some. That doesn't always fall in the realm of the same race. But all jokes aside, its good because it means that we as Americans are more accepting of one another.


Racism is still a factor in our day to day lives except now it so underlying its hard to detect. About 10 years ago, I was considering not attending the Million Man March. First of all, because I'm not the greatest fan of Minister Farrakhan. Secondly, because I was listening to the jounalist propaganda of how this march may become violent due to the size of the crowd. What was implied? "You black bastards can't organize shit without police being involved." I talked to Cannonball not to long after that and he said "If we scared of our own people, why bother even waking up?" True to life on that and the March was not a prob because I didn't see any liquor bottles, drug sales, or ass-whippin's. Pop a collar to that!
Ok, I digress because thats a sore spot with me. The point is that the media really tries to keep us Black people "in our place" just by the way some information is dictated. This morning I just happened to be watching the Today show. The update was about the Duke Lacrosse team rape. And as the host (I don't know the new host's name) asked questions to the correspondent, do you know that not ONCE did he refer to the women as such or victims, or even accusers. Each time he made reference to them, they were referred to as strippers. I wish I had a link to the video so you guys could see it, but I waited too long to blog. The underlying message was that these women don't get the consideration that other women do either because of their occupation or because of their race AND occupation. Hmmm.....last time I checked a victim was one who has been violated in some way, an accuser is a person who has accused someone of wronging them, and a woman is a homosapien who has the capability/capacity to bear offspring. The last time I checked, these 2 strippers are all of the above; yet are not referred to as such. Even if both of them are full of their and somebody else's shit, don't they deserve that much respect? To at BARE MINIMUM be referred to as women? Accusers? Victims?

Marinate on that.....

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

TTTT: Let's Try That Again!

Alright damn it! We gonna do this shit again!



name the 5 celebrities/atheletes who you would love to party with and why
Double Go

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

TTTT: "You sho' Is Ugly!!!"

Hey monkeys. This week's TTTT is about dating that UGLY kat/chic. You had your reasons, but all you know is that in the street you always got the 2nd and 3rd looks because your partner was stuck on busted. You dated Uglor, but why? How what did you do when you were in public?


Monday, June 05, 2006

Yeah, It's Me Again

Wow, I'm such a shitty blogger. I have been busy with my grad party, 10 days of unsupervised Daddy Duty, job search, and a couple of summer projects, man I'm swamped. Oh yeah, and my feeble attempt at getting laid. All huge time takers.

My grad party in summary was small but mad fun. My mom and her buddy went straight ghetto (even though we were in one of the million dollar neighborhoods of Bowie) and made the craziest drink concoction I've ever seen.

1 large sweet watermelon
2 Smirnoff Ices (the one with the orange top **shrug**)
3 1/2 a bottle of Jamaican Brandy
4 3 seconds of white Bacardi rum
5 A heavy dosage of "DAY-um!"

Just to give you an idea of the crowd reaction and vibe, the elixir filled a typical punch bowl, but was gone in about 20 minutes. Whoa. I tried to throw the game on an old classmate, but she didn't have enough of it. One more cup and I would have boning her on the hammock.
And the music? Bangin'. My girl WhatAboutMe did her thing like whoa. She spinned some NeoSoul, Rawkus flava hip hop, and some new and semi-old school hip hop. Oh yes, we got our party on. You missed it.

10 Day Daddy Duty
Mrs Kojak went to Cali for a week. That left me on full daddy duty. Single moms, my hats off to you. That's some work and a half right there. I tried to soften the blow and mutual boredom by checking in at the Sheraton for the weekend. I got a steal of a deal on it and we had a ball. What was odd was the a couple of things.
1.) If you are a participant in a Bar/Bat Mitizfah, is "Everyday I'm Hustling" very befitting for the festivities? Probably. It just didn't match to me.
2.) Who listens to go-go north of Laurel, MD? The next day was a party, looked like a wedding reception. They had a band, an all female go-go band. To those of you who don't know what go-go music is, go download some Junkyard Band, Chuck Brown, or Rare Essence. Oh! Remember "Da Butt" from the movie "School Daze"? Or, a more modern effort is "It's Love" from the "Who's Jill Scott?" Album. Personally, even though I grew up in Arlington, I can't listen to go-go longer than 20 minutes. When you hear the real gully stuff, you'd understand why.

Job Search
You know, when you do a job search and you have experience, landing the next job can be easy if you are just looking to do a lateral move. But when you are attempting to climb up AND somewhat change your desired field, that's when it gets complicated. I'm trying to find another gig, and instead of doing the techie thing, I'm trying to do the business thing, business strategy to be exact. So far, so fair. The good think I've been politicking with some serious heavy hitters; one the VP of a bank, the other two are execs from the State of Maryland. I'm on meeting #2 with one of the state execs, on pause with the other, and the bank VP I've already met. We met at one of Baltimore's most swanky spots. I was impressed by myself, I kept track of all my forks and never dropped my napkin on the floor. I was sweating like a beast though. Not because I was nervous; he eats and shits just like I do, but because it was hot and muggy as shit that day and here I am with shirt, tie, and jacket (all required for the SwankySpot). All and all it turned out well; he is going to be a good source of leads to other heavy-hitters.

Summer Projects
Over the semester, I was attempting to set up a network for a transitional home in the city. VERY difficult with no money to work with. What I will be doing is attempting to continue on with the project and then passing it on to the next set of people from school that will get involved. The other project is to make the website I worked on (well, was supposed to work) this past semester work even better.

Whew! See what happens when you don't blog for ages? And y'all see you STILL ain't miss a damn thing!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

TTTT: Ashes to Ashes

It has come to my attention that there are some white people who don't know what ashiness is. No, it has nothing to do with smearing the ashes in the fireplace on you, but it has to do with the lack of the good lotion on your body. White people get ashy too but because of their complexions, its harder to see. When your ass is as black as mine, ash stands out like a brother at the Grand Ole Oprie.
So the Tell The Truth Tuesday of the week is: When was the most embarassing instance of ash? (For example, going to workout and your knees look like they've been dusted for fingerprints)


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

TTTT: Happy Mother's Day!!

First of all, if you haven't read it yet, Reese has a new post on her site that is not necessarily funny, but culturally cute. Check it out when you get a chance.

I know its late, but Happy Mother's Day to the remaining mothers who read this blog. And since this is your forum to tell it like it is and how you want, why don't you share with all the non-mom the one thing you are NOT allowed to talk about on Mother's Day, the thankless, grotesque, heinous, "I should have kept my draws on" crap you have had to deal with as a mom. Nothing cutesy, but the really shitty shit. And please, more of something specific as opposed "My daughter is a bitch" or "my son is an asshole"

Ready? Go.....

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Ever wonder how people perceive you? I found out a couple days ago that someone who is an industry heavy-hitter told a colleague that he found me impressive. Me. Shit-talking, joke-making, Brother Kojak. Its amazing what some people see in you, and just as amazing as what some others DON'T see.

Do you know what blocking is? That's short for "cock-blocking". That term is no longer PC and blacks don't say "cock" so it got shortened to just blockin'. There is this kat at work, let's refer to him as ChiefBlocker...dude is ALWAYS blockin'! He blocks on all the young women too, but particularly the one I referred to as Blondie some time ago. I don't know what's changed from then til now, but dude has changed. Like the last time I went over there, I barely got in the door before he jumped up with the handshake "how you doing, BK? Everything alright?" Everything be alright if you let me talk to the person I intended to talk to and peace out my face. Shit!
Today was no different. My boy/co-worker DoubleR went there today to fix Blondie's computer, and before he could sit down at the desk "Hey! What's up? What you doing?"
"I'm..uh....fixing this computer."
"Oh, oh. Ok. That's cool."

Then he's working on the computer and she mentions that her computer at home is all banged up for some reason or another. ChiefBlocker says "Yeah. What you need is a man to come over there and fix that for you." Ok, note the strategy behind the block. Here DoubleR is, a computer pro while ChiefBlocker is not. Yet he still says "You need a man to come over and fix that..." Insinuating "Hmph! This mutha ain't no man. He might be able to fix a computer, but he still ain't no real man. I might be able to fix your computer AND I'm a real man." DoubleR was not or never will be trying to get at Blondie, and yet; the block. Its a damn shame. That's his steelo, block until blocked. Now I'm curious about what's going on between those two. According to my sources, absolutely nothing. I think the Chief needs a nice warm hug from another man while he's told "It's ok, brother! I'm on your team! We can do this together. You ain'ts got to block, man!"

Unfortunately, I've been blocked by him too many times. Its on now! Not because I want to get at Blondie, just on GP. I can't go out like that; doesn't he know I got a Phd??(playa hata degree)

And I ain't making any trips anywhere! My ass is broke!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Imma Soldier

Celibacy. Hmph! Fancy that.

I'm going to try and blog today, but I have so many crazy things going on in my life I don't know what's kosher to blog and what's not. Don't worry, its all legal. The best way to say it is my wife is pissed at me; this time it may be perpetual.

MMM. Ever eat salt and vinegar chips? They have this weird effect of like scratching the sides on my mouth making me feel like a victim of a bad Botox injection. They good though!

Weekend was pleasantly uneventful. Gorgeous all weekend too. Sunday I stayed home and chatted and watched indie movies. PrettyPussy(Cat) called and asked me wtf was wrong with me. I said nothing and her response was "Something's wrong. you sound pathetic." Pathetic. I have NEVER been called pathetic. So with that. I went to the mirror, looked at myself and said "Aight, man. You've moped around long enough. You have 15 more mins of acting like a pussy and then thats it." After that, the rest of the day was great. Watched movies all day, played on the computer, then had dinner with my mother and son. All good stuff. But before I forget, I would like to thank PrettyPussy(Cat) for being such a great friend all these

Today I get an email from one of my advisors. He asked me to come meet him so we can talk. I get there, and he tells about how one of the contest advisors (Baltimore's Mosh Pit) was impressed with me. You ain't think I didn't shoot dude an email?!?! Shiiiiit! For better or worse, I'm an opportunist. And when it comes to the job market, I'm a fox; when you leave the henhouse open, I'm taking me a chicken!

Hmmm...celibacy...chicken. I think tonight I will fantasize about eating baked chicken off of an asian chick with big boobs.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Brother Kojak's Top 15

Here are the hottest honeys in the entertainment industry based on 1 criteria; how much does she make me rub my dizzat? You know how we men (particularly us brothers) rub ourselves as if to keep the dizzat from jumping out of our pants? This list is based on that effect; the higher the woman is rated, the harder I would end up rubbing myself. Hey, trife is life!

(honorable mention) Nicole Lyn: She’s been in a bunch of small stuff, but I fell in love with her in the movie “Feast of All Saints”. She was really pretty and cute, but her womanhood was exposed in the voodoo ceremony scene. I feel bad for enjoying that scene, but her boobicles were just talking to me the whole time. I had to put on a bib too. Why is she at the bottom of the list? Because she is married to crooked-domed Dule Hill from “The West Wing”. Hurt-ting!

15. Cynda Williams: It is really disappointing that this gorgeous being is not in more movies. I think she screwed up when she had her big chance in “Mo Betta Blues”. She really wasn’t that good in it, but she oozed sexy in the movie. She has done a few more movies, none of them big. Don’t expect her here on the next list; mother nature is winning the beauty battle here.

14. Vanessa Williams: She was my number 1 for years. Vanessa had the fine wine effect, she just seemed to look better as she got older. However, those days are gone.

13. Stacey Dash: She would be WAY up on the list if she had a cup size bigger than a Dunkin' Doughnuts mug.

12. Lela Rochon: I used to go back and forth for my #1's between her and Vanessa Williams. Recently, motherhood has dealt her a bad hand. I mean, REAL bad. She now looks like her own uglier older sister. She really is only on the list because she was soooooooooooo bangin' in "Boomerang".

11. Amarie: So....damn....SEXY!!! Woo hoo! The only problem is how small she is. No ass, no boobs, just legs and a very pretty face; almost the same effect as Stacey Dash except Amarie can move. Movement my friends, is ALWAYS sexy.

10. Jennifer Lopez: The infamous J-Lo. She really shouldn’t be on this list, but I guess I’m giving her props based on the J-Lo from back in the day, pre-Ben Afleck. Mostly everything else about her bothers me though; the smaller bootie, the less ethnic look, marriage to goofballs. Still a beautiful woman, just ain’t got good sense.

9. Chenoa Maxwell (from the movie “G”): This woman is an acquired taste. Glueman seemed to think she looked like a cheetah, I on the other hand panted like a dog every time she entered a scene in the movie. The sex scenes ain’t hurt either.

8. Nicole Ari Parker: Sexy sista all day. This Baltimore native has the sexiest eyes of the entire list. A little on the small side, but she can definitely get it. I’m hatin’ on the husband though. These damn light-skinned trying to take over the domain!

7. Lisa Raye: Mmm mmm mmm. A ‘Round the Way Girl makes it to Hollywood and THEN marries a dignitary. I just look at her just wish she was a popsicle.

6. Carmen Electra: Something is wrong with this chic. She is hot as FIRE and just…is…(damn, how do I put this nicely)…uh…dumb as an unflushed turd? She’s been in more films lately, dumb shit, nonetheless so I guess it makes sense. But for every interview, her IQ or CSQ (Common Sense Quotient) seem to go down. I mind is a terrible thing to waste and her ass doesn’t even know what the United Negro College Fund is.

.5. Alicia Keys: Alicia used to be very sedate with her performance criteria as she is more of an artist than performer. One day, she went to an image consultant and the consultant said “You are striking. Maybe you can leverage your beauty to sell more records.” I have a good idea when that happened too….when she performed for last year’s Grammy Awards with the spaghetti strapped sequenced dress with the long slit up the side. My oh my.

4. Selma Hayek: Always sexy always hot. It was hard putting her this low but when you see the top 4 you’ll understand why. She STILL gets props for the striptease in “Dogma”.

3. Eva Mendes: She is always getting the role of the hot Latina who dates the brother, but shit, who’s complaining? She is just sexy for no reason and her pout puts Angelina Jolie’s pout to shame.

2. Mariah Carey: Mmmm mmm mmm! Can’t nobody fuck with Mariah! No one! Not even my #1 pick. Mariah is categorized as one of my favorite types of women: the Nasty Ass Broad. There is nothing better for a man to have than the knowledge that when he goes home, ANYTHING goes. Mariah was #1 on list when she was crazy; love how she showed the world how much of a bitch Carson Daily is. I love it! The ho-ish videos, the boob jobs. Man. I really can’t get enough. I think if I ever saw her in person on the street I’d probably scream like a bitch AND cry like one.

1. Vida Guerra: Numero Uno. Miss Guerra is a damn phenom. Thru the miracle of genetics, you can’t tell if she’s a white girl who’s built like a sista or a sista who is very fair. Funny thing is you’d be kinda right either way because she’s of Cuban descent. She doesn’t act, she doesn’t sing, she just models. She is the prototypical girl in the videos with the big juicy bootie. Yes, she is the stereotype mamas want to their daughters to stay away from. Yes, she is a one trick-pony and that pony is trife. Yes, she is not the smartest player on the team (still smarter than Carmen). But when all is said and done, Vida is the banginest chic out there. She has a bunch of elements that I’ve mentioned in the other women. Imma marry her ass one of these days…..(yeah right)

The Sistas

What a weekend! Drama all over the place that will not be revealed until a time when the waters have calmed down. But what I can blog about is the fashion show Cannonball and I went to. "Fashion show?!?! YOU of all people Brother Kojak?? I'm shocked!" Please monkeys, make no mistake this was no typical fashion show and my presence was definitely an anomonally. You see, Cannonball and I went to the fashion to egg on and harass one of his clients who is a QITter (Queer In Training). He's a 6'2, dense mama's boy and the "rasping" was just.....unavoidable. I mean, this big ass boy walking around timid like a bald-headed cat; come on! Cannonball egged me to go, but shit, that wasn't hard to do. So we went out and Cannonball's 1st words were "Aww man...what's DIS shit? They ain't got no stage...mmm" For some reason I wasn't bothered. Inside I knew that the festivities were about to begin. The layout was one big room with lights taped to the floor, a couple of tables with snacks on them, and a curtain that separated the models from the audience. And SOME of you know how WE do as a people...the show was supposed to start at 6:00 and didn't start until 6:30ish. So then the show starts, and the emcee announces that they have a local artist to sing. And out thru the curtain pops this Amazon warrior meets Jill Scott meets Monique. Whoa. Afro puff hairdo and red opened back dress (THAT....was not good).I mean, she sounded good, but all that red walking up and down the aisle was crazy distracting. I mean, she had on a girdle and it STILL ain't help. Mmmmm mmm mmm.
So the models come out. The 3rd model that came out, I almost stood up and said "damn!" But I maintained. Cannonball and I both asked the woman who convinced to go how old short was. "15 and y'all better calm y'all asses down!" Oh well.
After the 1st set, there was another singer who came out and did his thing. He was pretty good. I think he was on the down-low, but whateva honey. Keep that shit on your side of the fence. Nil Scott came out again but this time with a much more sedate outfit; definitely more Jill Scott than Monique. Oh I forgot...there was this one model who came, and I had to start fanning myself like an old lady in church. MMM! 5'8ish, dark honey complexion, shoulder length hair, ample bosom, and legs that went on for days. There was this one sequence where she stopped and posed for about 4 minutes right in front of us and I was stuck on stupid looks. I tried not to stare but, hey...you know.
Right before the last set this other local artist came out named CR. He was pretty good. I think he was on the down-low, but that's just a suspicion. Plus he's a male singer, so who cares anyway?
So they end the second to last set (the aforementioned one above) and this guy comes out and says "I'm sorry y'all, but we cannot continue until some of you move your cars. We are not supposed to be on the grass..blah blah blah". Apparently they had oversold the event and people were parking all over the place. Cannonball looked at me and said "Let's roll. 'Specially since there's only 10 mins left." Bitter that I didn't get a chance to cross paths with AmpleBosom, I got up and left with my boy. Damn I'm greedy. But everyday yet dolled up sistas doing their thing on the "runway"? Niiiiiiiiiice!
We drove on over the motorcycle spot; for those of you who don't know (most of you I presume) in the Wabash Shopping Center is the parking lot of Wendy's. Every Sunday a bunch of kats get in their motorcycle garb and meet up there. I was surprised that the egos were on low. Maybe because it was early in the season. Then all of the sudden, you hear these grunty, burping engine noises. "Awww damn. Here come the assholes." and it was a fleet of dirt bikes with riders doing wheelies up and down a busy Northern Parkway. Slowly but surely, the real cyclist left leaving the dirt bikers to doing their wheelies and tricks for hot assed teenaged girls.

But back the title of this entry. The Sistas. The beautiful shades of cocoa, the full (which is subjective) lips, the high cheekbones, and the booties that can be compared to no other booties on the Earth. Sistas, thank you for being you. And thank God I live in an area where 6 months out of the year I can capitalize on seeing as much as your beauty in shorts and tanks as much as possible.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

TTTT: Oops! 'Cuse me

I was working late last night and my co-worker didn't know I was in there with him.


What the...? Dude just farted no problem! Damn!

Which leads me to the TTTT for the week; where is the most embarrassing place you cracked your ass?


Thursday, April 27, 2006

People Ain't Shit

Music: Ghetto Boys- Die, Mutha fucka

You know, isn't it a positive thing that people care enough about themselves to get checked out for HIV? There is a bus outside of the campus giving free test to anyone and some of my fellow UB employees are snickering and giggling at the people waiting to get tested. What type shit is that? I mean, sure, maybe you can't get laid and abstinence is the best protection, but some people can and some people slip up. Better safe than spread the hivvy like mayonnaise.

I haven't blogged in a while....what have I got going on. Hmmmm....

Oh! Perpetual doghouse at home. I'm cut off from everything; even food and water. I'd be cut off from shelter too if I wasn't so intimidating to a would-be intruder.

School is almost done and I am SOOOO mutha fucken glad! I've had senior slump all semester and would not be surprised if I busted out with 2 C's. Oh well! I walk, SON!

Job. Job is good, but I'm ready to make more cheese. I've had my resume out there and so far I've gotten a lot of bites. I've already had to turn down one job because it was in the boonies. Decent pay, great learning environment, but in the middle of no where. So either UB starts kicking out more cheese or I'm le Bounce

Social life? What a fiasco. I've ostracized so many people in the last couple months and I don't know why. I think I'm turning into Michael Douglas's character in "Wall Street" except I'm not the cut throat type. When I was in that contest, man! The whole business strategizing and "busta cap in their proverbial asses!" mentality was invigorating. I don't think I've ever had a high like that from work before. Hard work at that too. And sex? Chile please. I ain't had that in so long I don't even know what that is. Took make matters worse, I've been turning it down! Yeah! That's right. I have no idea why...I've had a few indecent proposals lately and I can't seem to step to the mic. It's so bad now that if I BOUGHT some pizzat I probably would just sit in the room with her and make irreverent remarks about her body until my time was up. That's just gay.

Speaking of gay, I had a gay laden (pardon the pun) weekend last weekend. Friday night I took my hip hop kids (all growed up...**sigh**) roller skating. Friday night is exclusively for pre-teens and teens. It was great to see kids that age enjoying themselves without acting retarded or like they missed their meds for the day. Anyway, I saw about 2 or 3 gay boys on the floor skating and I was like "hmmm...starting early. Very good..." When we left, those 2 and a few other in the Rainbow Crew were hanging out outside of the rink dancing. It looked like Le Cage Au Faux meets What's Happening. There was even some booty dancing. Ish.
The next day was my cousin's surprise b-day luncheon at one ofNeckbone's favorite spots (you know the place, dude!). As usual, my cousin's friends where there in all their Banana Republic glory. The twist was that it was a kindergarten party so we ate cake off of Star Wars plates and all of the gifts she received were toys, coloring books, etc. Uh...yeah.
The beautiful thing about that was that she has friends/gf who care enough to do that for her. I thought about the last time someone had ever done that for me; and it just depressed me for the rest of the weekend. Not that I want a surprise b-day party, but it would be nice to know that you had people who cared about you that much.

And on a much happier note, its Spring, the ladies are taking more fashion risks, and I don't need glasses to see it.


Friday, April 21, 2006

Always American

You know, I frequently come on here and blast white Americans for stealing black Americans style such as giving a pound (fist-to-fist acknowledgement), the famous but fading "you go girl!", and the hand shake with the finger snap.
Well, as proof of American's willingness and desire to conform with each other, Glueman saw a brother of Hershey's chocolate skin, shoulder-length dreds and a really nice suit. All completed with a pair of matching flip flops.

A suit.

And a pair

of fucken

flip flops.

Those of you who know me know I can't STAND to see anyone in flips who aint on the beach. I mean, we are on the East Coast in the spring. The hottest day so far has been 80 degrees. How the hell can you rock some flip flops? And brothers should just know better. I dont remember my grandfather or father EVER wearing them so its not like its a fashion thats resurfaced. Sandals, yes. All day long. Flip flops. Please. Men need to keep those for the beach or the locker room as shower shoes.

American Conformity. Hoorah.....

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

TTTT: Stuck on Gay

I had no TTTT topic for today UNTIL this morning when I finished my workout. I was heading to the showers and I can really get a towel around me snuggly so I usually don't bother. So why come I noticed that dude was looking at my ass from the corner of my eye? Why is that? It wasnt a gay stare, but he was damn sure stuck on gay for peepin my crack.

So for TTTT today, complete this sentence: "I was stuck on gay when....."


Tuesday, March 28, 2006

TTTT: My Boss Ain't Shit!

Work is hell. Who wants to do it? None of us really and it would make life so much easier if the boss got with the program. So what is the most trifling thing that your boss (or a boss at some point in time)has done to you? If you sought out revenge, what did you do?


Monday, March 27, 2006

DID YA SEE THAT?!?!?! (Part II)


The George Mason Patriots did it AGAIN!!! TWICE!!!!

Un-fucken real! George Mason, one of the schools that Billy Packer and Jim Nance bitched about like 2 house hens are now in the Final Four. Friday night they beat a would-be vegenance driven Wichita State (Mason beat them at home early in the season) in a game where Mason never lost the lead. That was surprising. But for the Patriots to beat the almight University of Conneticutt, a team that recruits internationally, is just unfathomable. On the radio this morning they are talking about this game being the greatest David vs Goliath of all time. U Conn is a bigger team and yet
Mason out rebounded them. U Conn held Mason to 3 points off of the bench, yet Mason's starters all scored in double figures. Phenomenal.

I'm not one of those "you can do anything you want...follow your dreams". Yet on this weekend, George Mason goes to the Final Four and my cousin premiered her 1st movie (check out my other entry).
Maybe the "you can do anything you want...follow your dreams" way of thinking is garbage, but it speaks volume of what you can do if your best effort is put forward. The heart can be a mighty hunter.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Sex Headache

I think I've mentioned on here several times about the disasters of a sex headache. That's when you go sans sex for at least a week and everytime you think of a sexual act you get a damn headache. Well, since I've been cut off at home (or rather cut myself off), I've discovered a new stage in the sex headachitis; the shakes.
Yeah, so if I think about sex with a woman, I get these little quick tremors. This mainly occurs in the shoulders and neck. I was told by this woman that not only do I do that, but there is this curious pattern:
1.) I won't be able to finish a sentence
2.) I look off into space
3.) I turn my head and grunt


I think this week will be a good time to start going back to the mosque. I am BUGGIN'!

Sunday, March 19, 2006



For those of you sleepin' on the Cindafellas:

Yes!! The green and gold got their man all weekend long. First with the so-called upset over Michigan State, then with the for real for real upset over the Baby Blue Boys Of North Carolina. Mason got off to a crappy start with a 16 to 2 deficit in the first half led by Jai Lewis and Folarin Campbell. After the 2nd half, the two teams exchanged the lead half a dozen times only to have the Patriots pull head for the win.
This is the 1st time GMU has ever gone to the Sweet 16 and only the 2nd time a team from their conference has gone that far.

A little history about me and GMU....I went there for 7 years for my engineering degree only to flunk out with 40 credits left. Ain't that a bitch? how stupid is that? Anyway, when I went there, the team sucked ass. Mason's rival school is James Madison U, who used to kick our asses all the time. Here's how sucky the Mason was back then; they used to play all these exhibition games against bs teams like Mobile One Oil because they sucked so bad. One of those teams was this Russian team. They came to VA sick as dogs; the whole team caught the flu on the way over there and they could only suit 4 kats. They still played the game, and beat Mason. Yes, 7 brothas, 3 white boys, and a David Justice couldn't beat 4 non-American white boys. Trife.

That was a long time ago; and today, that memory makes today's memory that much sweeter. To borrow a phrase from my illegitimate dad, Telly Savalas, "You've come a long way baby."

Friday, March 17, 2006

Top O' The Mornin' Laddies

Its St. Patrick's day; a day that has been meaningless to me since birth.

Until this year. This is the first time I've made a conscious effort to celebrate the "holiday". Here are the steps I've taken:
1.) Attempting to get a shamrock tee shirt from Target
2.) downloading some Irish music to listen to throughout the course of the day
3.) drinking green beer for the 1st time ever. EVER.

Here the steps that were thwarted:
1.) All of the shirts were sold out and the best match was a Mickey's shirt, and that was 3 sizes to small. I did manage to pull out my ratty green Mecca shirt. It works in the pinch.
2.) found some Irish music, but I damn sure wasn't going to spend my workday listening to the O'Leary Boys or the Black Irish. I was thinking more of like the House of Pain, U2, or the Dropkick Murphys.
3.) There is still an opportunity to do this. Not sure where or how since I have Daddy Duty tonight, but we shall see.

The only thing missing would be some Irish poon-poon. I know one Irish-German chic...(I think she counts) but my chances with her are slim. Ahhh! There is a hot number that we all know by the name of Blonde who is Irish.....looks like I will be making a phone call TO-night! Gotta get my St Patty's Day one way or another, right?

Some Shamrock po-nanny would be nice, but I will tell you all a story about my best St. Patty's Day memory. It was about 6 years ago and a bunch of us computer geeks from work decided to go to the Bahamas. The day before St. Patty's, we booked the trip. To celebrate the next day, HotRod (one of the nerds) invited a bunch of folks over his house for drinks. That was the first time I got a (damn, I forgot the term. Its when you lay down and someone pours liquor in your mouth until you make them stop) _____. You talk about fucked up?? Whew! Took me hours to recouperate. The best part was watching the girls do it. The ones that didnt do it well (very few) got it all over the front of their tops...hhehehe...yeah. **smile**

I'm glad you all are enjoying my continued demise. All I was doing was trying get a little some-some on the side. I guess that what I get, huh? Geez, the Pimp Juice done gone sour.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

You Should Know Better

Besides my hot wannabe love affair with Heidi Martin, some women you should just stay clear of. I’m one of the more hardier kats on the East Coast, but even I can’t deal with a select few. I never tell you all about my personal life and I’ve been misbehaving lately; one of the reasons why I haven’t blogged in a while. Of course, karma is a bitch with big ass teeth.

So I’ve been getting all hot and heavy with this hottie I met on the Internet in AZ. Fits the BK’s profile: Latina, Coke bottle figure and just enough attitude to be interesting.
And so the dance begins. I IM her, she IMs me. We probe each other about very every day things and I gradually stir up her curiosity about my sexual prowess and let it simmer on her brain like gumbo. Each day, I break down her barriers gradually. She diggin’ me, I’m diggin’ her. Then the faux pas……

I told her we would have some very pretty Blatino kids. “Blatino? What’s that?”
ME: “Hehehehe, that’s the ghetto term for Black and Latino biracial children.”
TheCutter: Hmmmm….uh, how about no?
ME: Ok ok. I was just messin’ with you…..kinda.

So things are no longer tantalizing. Merely, interesting. One of the main things that kicked off the possibilities was her making a trip to DC for work. There was still talk of the hot and bothered rendez vous, but something didn’t seem right. I realized that I needed to hit the bag of tricks.
Her long weekend in DC arrives, I met her at the hotel lobby and we are off. I play reluctant tour guide as I grew up in the area so none of the stuff is a big deal to me. We go get some lunch, that’s cool. No more references to blatino offspring. Smart. It starts to get dark and I’m a little gassed behind all the driving and touring. She agrees that we go back to the hotel room so I can rest and she can freshen up. She heads to the bathroom and is what seems like teasing me in reference to my subtle yet aggressive advances. So I do a quick check…..
Breath: check
Smellum (cologne): check
Foot odor: tolerable
Ball cheese: ehhhh….oral was probably out of the question anyway.

She comes out. Hmmm…no hot ass nightie. No naughty school girl outfit, no belly dancer outfit. A pair of sweats and a tee. Uh oh. This ain’t lookin’ good.
In a panic, I go straight for the jugular; literally. She seems receptive, but out of the blue I get the “hey pal” double pat on the chest….pat…pat “YOU’D, better get going. I have some stuff to take care of and I need some privacy.” And while I’m gaping at her speechless (yeah, ME speechless) she’s leading me towards the door with all of the cordialities and pleasantries one would expect of a blonde haired, blue-eyed debutante, which she ain’t. The next thing I know I’m in the hallway facing the door. Not even her door, the one on the opposite side of the hallway. How in the SHIT did THAT happen???
I’m all banged up at this point. “I knew something was wrong, but what the hell was it?” I go home, read thru the emails, listen to any possible unsaved voice mails; I even went back thru the notes that we sent each other on the meeting site (yes, that spot will remain unnamed). Nothing.

Then I remember myself staring at her pics, then glancing at the some of the stuff she had on her page. “I was born and raised in Phoenix, but my folks are from Bolivia and Venezuela…”
“…I like hangin with my girls, dancin’…”
“blah blah blah”
Then it hit me; “Important Stats”
Hometown: Phoenix
Status: Dating
Birthday: April 11, 1974…..

“damn…another Aries.”

Copyright 2006, Son. All Rights Reserved and shit.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Salty Dog

It has now been a week for being cell phoneless. That means all of the potential opportunities to creep on the wife that were hopeless in the 1st place REALLY don't mean shit now because I can't call anybody. This looks like another SPring with Rosie Palmer. She's an old girl, but she's reliable and always there when you raise your hand for her.

Alright enough of that shit. But I am phoneless and that will be for another 4 or 5 days looks like. Also, I didnt even make the cut for Baltimore's Mosh Pit; the place where students compete for venture capital seed money. Its one thing not to win, but to not even make the cut? Man I was blown. I can't to see the ideas that made it because mine was pretty damn good. Last year's winner had the idea to have digital map kiosks all over the city for tourists to use to get around. Gimmie a fucken break.

The good news is days like this are great fodder for working out. I will be on the weight bench thinking about the narrow-ass bitch man who sent me the bulk email saying "Even though you didn't make the cut, don't give up on your dreams..." How about this, how about I catch you in the alley and don't give up on whoppin' yo ass? how bout THAT!??

The weather is getting nicer and the HON-NEYS be out, SON! There is this one girl who I saw yesterday; no coat on and it was cold and windy.

ME:Girl, where is your coat?
HER:It's right here **nodding towards arm**
ME:And uh....WHY is it not on you?
HER:**giggling** It's nice out here! **walking opposite direction**
ME:Mmmm Hmm!

Then I got to check her out. You know, the wintertime be hiding stuff. We just exchanged names recently, and I don't know where she is from. Wherever she's from, SOME brotha snuck up in the gene pool because she had a str8-up apple dumplin'. "Whoa" was my response. And this year I have a digital cam?? WHAT???? Life is about to get TRIFE!

Ok. I'm going to go drown my sorrow with my man, Jack. He is one of the Daniels boys. He got a cousin name Evan who is mad cool too. He may join the party at some point in time.
I'll let y'all know how the hangover goes. I'm out.