Tuesday, October 25, 2005


I want to post something but I am not done with my topics. Therefore, I will steal an idea from the local radio station and call it Tell The Truth Tuesday (TTTT). What I will do is temporarily allow anonymous entries until tomorrow. This Tues., let's do it ad hoc. This post will be Confessional. Everyone is "listening", but no one knows the identities. Ready? Go.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Is It Monday Yet?

I hope to GOD y'all had a better weekend than I did. Let me take that back...my weekend was good, but it definitely had its frustrating moments. My weekend was so “blogful” that I'm going to have to put them in topics and blog about them at some other time. Here we go:

  • White women. Talk to your fellow sisters. When you are in a crowded area and need to get by, the best gesture is to say “excuse me” or “pardon me”. Accepted Priviledge doesn't work on everyone.

  • White women. Talk to your fellow sisters. It is now Fall on the East Coast. The average temperature is 60 degrees. Let go of the flip flops. slide them off, put them in the back of the closet until next summer. Its just too cold for them shits. If you are wearing fuchia and cream, you pink toes don't match anyway.

  • Neighborhood gentrification is going to be one of the underlying root factors of the next American social upheaval.

  • Disappointing a friend has got to be one of the most painful emotional feelings next to death because that transmission of disappointment from one person to the other is as instantaneaous as a light switch.

  • women hate me once a month.

  • $600 can get you a“ 'Round the World” about 4 times over on the Block, but it can't even you a hand job from your wife.

  • My homophobia is diminishing. This weekend is the true test.

  • The topic of squirting has GOT to be the most bizarre way to begin a conversation.

  • I'm sexy as HELL! (Well, except for my MITTS, 40 year chic-like butt, tribal looking stretch marks, my black volley ball stomach...)

  • if you are a sexy sex symbol such as the Rock, never use the word “tummy”.

  • Women. Call us men what you want, but lipstick lesbians are a turn on.

  • Speaking of lesbianism, the good ol' 3some. That's one hard deal to sell, jack.

  • Speaking of 3somes, indecent proposals always throw me for a curve.

Ok, so y'all merinate on dat! I got a midterm and a presentation, but fret not. These topics will be covered.

Friday, October 21, 2005

HNT...Is the SHIT!!

I should be studying
I should be pondering the universe and self
No sir!

Today is Friday and it's slow. Yesterday was Thursday. Say no more!

Y'all have a great weekend.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Early Morning Convo with Offspring

I don't think I mentioned this, but I'm fasting for the Islamic holy month Ramadan. This means I can't eat or drink anything from sun up til sundown. What usually happens is that a Muslim will try and gorge him/herself at night until sunrise. I can't do that, so I've just been loosing all kinds of sleep. What I do is eat at sunset and then wake up about 4:30 and make me a PHAT breakfast. Wednesday morning the Offspring woke to join me for the feast. He seems to be fascinated by my childhood. I learned that my elementary school and his elementary school have the same mascot, the owl. Below is the craziest part of the convo.

Offspring: **laughing** You sounded like Toyman from that Superfriends video.

Me: You mean like your Uncle Toyman? (Glueman looked like the Superfriends cartoon character Toyman when he was trying on Under Armour)++

Offspring: **laughing** We watched that video the other day. It was weird watching that old cartoon with the commercials and stuff.

Me: Commercials? The video had commercials in it?

Offspring: No, but you told me about some of the commercials when you were a kid.

Me: Huh? Why did you just say....nevermind. Yeah, commercials were a lot different back then. They used to lie to us all the time. Like, GI Joe. Now, when you see a GI Joe commercial, the kids are playing with it and making all the sounds and what not. Back then, they would fake you out HARD, man! GI Joe would make all the cool sounds. Move without you touching him, talk. **In commercial voice** "GI Joe Super Duper ParaTrooper!! With real parachute!" Then you'd see all these GI Joe's falling out of the sky and all these kids in a backyard looking up saying "Look! GI Joe is falling from the sky! Yeaaaa!" It was messed up, man.

Offspring: What about that other commercial; with the cardinal?

Me: Oh the one where he was singing and flying like he was drunk? Man!

Offspring: **laughing and singing the song** Yeah. That one.

Me: Let me think if there are any more....do y'all have Smokey the Bear?

Offspring: Yeah. He is on commercials, posters at schoool, all that stuff.

Me: Hmmm! Some things just don't change. What's he look like now?

Offspring: He's big and built like this **flexing muscles**. He carries around a shovel. One commercial he went to a camper's fire and poured water over the fire. The campers were like **making surprise face**

Me: **laughing** Man, when I was a kid, Smokey the Bear was a straight punk. He would always be in the commercials saying "Please. Don't start forest fires." And then start crying.
Fire all over the place and he crying. Its a shame I tell you!

Offspring: **laughing** Don't just stand there crying, DO SOMETHING!

Me: Exactly!
**both laughing**

++ IN the Toyman link, Toyman is the one with the freaky black and gold costume.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Adventures in Homophobia

In the Brother Kojak News....
This baseball thing seems to be picking up steam. Things are happening in the positive direction and its very exciting. I observe that one of my shortcomings is my belief in people based on race. It amazes me that I, a black man, and the leader of white men. One top of that, so far I'm the only brother on the team. Even MORE amazing than that, I'm the only one that thinks its a big deal. I share this thought with others and the reaction is "Oh. I guess you're right." That tells me a couple things; our society has come further than I think or I'm more of a natural leader (in general) than I thought.

One of my weaknesses is what our society calls homophobia. I am not afraid of homosexuals, it just freaks me out to see a man all up on a man or a man happily dressed like a woman. Wow. I'll never understand that. Women....are the bomb. Especially when they...

Mmm. Anyway, my cousin is having a costume party and when she told me some of her gay couple friends would be there, I double-taked. Immediately, I thought of who would go with me to run interference given that Mrs. Kojak would be working. Hmmm....

**crickets chirping in the background.**
I ask my friend Renaissance to come with me as Mrs. T (the party theme is the 80's and Mr. and Mrs. T was a classic Saturday Night Live spoof). No dice, lesbians either love her or hate so that no need in anybody getting their ass kicked.

I told CrazyHair about the party, and she and some of her crew are with it. Huge sigh of relief. Proof of my "homophobia" is this IM chat with my man Zoph!.

Conversation with whereiszoph

brotherkojak: oh boy....(after reading his intro)
brotherkojak: you are totally GONE!
brotherkojak: I have a question for you
Zoph!: geez... everybody is messaging me all at once
Zoph!: gone?
brotherkojak: smitten
Zoph!: I didn't do it
brotherkojak: oh! I was about to say!
brotherkojak: everything alright up there?
Zoph!: yeah... a little hectic
Zoph!: trying to get back into homework and all that
Zoph!: books coming a little late
Zoph!: still need one
Zoph!: oddly enough... the cheapest one
brotherkojak: damn that sucks
Zoph!: I guess....
Zoph!: need to get more sleep this weekend than last
brotherkojak: lol. u party?
Zoph!: unfortunately, not yet
Zoph!: they're still doing odds and ends around the apartment... that's a pain... the one manager is really pissed at the other one for taking so long
brotherkojak: not yet...sounds like u gonna have 2 wait homeboy
Zoph!: 3 Halloween parties coming up at the end of the month
brotherkojak: KOOL
brotherkojak: i have 1 to go to, but my cousin is throwing it and she just happens to be gay.
Zoph!: should be.... interesting
brotherkojak: man please
Zoph!: gay guys are good guys though... I know 2
Zoph!: music education and architect
brotherkojak: this 1 couple (2 dudes) are coming as Peaches And Herb
brotherkojak: (old school..look it up)
Zoph!: mmmm yeah... before my time
brotherkojak: lol
Zoph!: which one is going to be peaches?
brotherkojak: shit! who cares!
brotherkojak: its 2 dudes!!!
brotherkojak: if I go, I'm going as Mr.T.
Zoph!: I was thinking about doing that for 'ween as a joke
brotherkojak: you should do it!
Zoph!: that or Jack the Pumpkin King from The Nightmare Before Christmas
brotherkojak: i missed that one
Zoph!: I need to find lots of gaudy rings and jewelry though.... if I'm going to be Mr. T
Zoph!: the mohawk is easy
brotherkojak: ditto
brotherkojak: lol....I have to be creative with my mohawk
Zoph!: you'll be the rastafarian Mr. T
brotherkojak: LOL!! right right
brotherkojak: "I pity the fool!...mon"
Zoph!: ha
brotherkojak: gotta go. I'll see you at the Million Man Movement

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I Have Not!....Abandoned...

My blog. School is kicking my ass. Wife is kicking my ass. Pain is kicking my ass. Doesnt matter, I dont really have anything cool to blog about. I did the silliest thing the past 2 weekends; I did back to back trips to VA Beach. Duh! It ain't THAT poppin' down there. The 2 trips were for 2 different occasions. Glueman and I went down there to get away and act retarded, which we did. Me and Mrs. Kojak went down there to iron some things out and for her to attend a conference.

I also haven't read any blogs either. I think because I'm at a point in my new job where they are testing me to see what else I'm capable of. Right now, I have to write a documentation specified for the University of installing a Blackberry. And yes, that is due. Thursday. Terrific.

OH! Also my ass was to the fire the other day. I have aspirations for this one particular type of job and job announcements are privy to only a select few. Well, I got one and luckily I let Glueman in on the deal what was up because he read it and said "Oh shit! Do you realize that this is due in 2 days??" Hmmm...2 days to have this thing mailed. Hmmmm. Well, there's always FedEx, right?
Yeah, right. I called them and to get the application packet from B-more to DC by close of business would cost me $52 for the 1st 15 miles and $2 for every mile there after:
15 miles = $52 dollars **constant**
42 miles to DC from B-more, 84 miles roundtrip
84 miles - 15miles = 69 miles
69 miles * 2 damn dollars/mile = 138 damn dollars
138 damn dollars + **constant**
= 138 damn dollars + $52 = 190 damn dollars (plus tax)
*Note: damn dollars > dollars

So I really wasn't rolling like that, so I had to take it to the streets.
**I pick up the phone and dial**
BastanteRojo: Hello
Me: What up, dog?
BastanteRojo: Oh shit. What the fuck YOU want?
Me: Damn man. Why it gotta be all that?
BastanteRojo: You know don't nobody trust you. What you plotting?
Me: Man, I'm just tryin' to get a favor from a brotha.
BastanteRojo: Greeeat! How many of my offspring is it gonna cost me?
Me: See? There YOU go! Talkin' all that shit. You gonna help me out? I mean, I need your help for real for real.
BastanteRojo: Aight. Where is this place.
Me: Just in DC.
BastanteRojo: Ahhh! Ok. Is this a legitimate address? This ain't meeting Pookie in the alley or no shit like that is it?
Me: MAN!!!

So, after a lot of cajoling, BastanteRojo hooked me up and dropped the joint off for me. Good looking out!!

There is an old saying that my grandfather used to say when he wasn't scolding me, "anything worth having ain't worth nothing if somebody gave it to you."

Peace out.