Friday, April 01, 2005

Meanwhile, at the optometrist's office.....

I’m sitting in my mom’s optometrist’s office. Of course, they play the obligatory easy listening favorites. Yuck. I think the main reason I don’t like this music is because it has little to know character or niche. If it was distinguishable, I’d give it some respect. But uh…no. So as I sit here playing solitaire (there is no wireless network in the building) I will compose a list of Songs that Suck:

Songs That Suck:
Gloria Estephan’s “Turn The Beat Around”
I didn’t realize how bad of a singer she is until I heard this song. She’d be better singing tone def shit like country music. It’s also why she’s better Cubana singer; you can mask a bad voice with plenty of horns and congos.

Uh…ok. Now the DJ is trying to gain cool points by playing Barry White’s “My First, My Last, My Everything”. Unfortunately, this is probably his gayest song and is always on the rotation on stations like this. Therefore, it sucks by default.

Oh…My….GOD. Allah be merciful! There actually exists a remake of the Chi-Lites “You Make Me Feel Brand New”?????? I ain’t even know! Shit, I wish I didn’t….

Damn. Elton John’s “Sad Songs Say So Much”.
They reach into your room….whoa oh oh OH!
Just breeze and a gentle touch
When all hope is gone
You know sad songs say so much.
Damn I hate that chorus. Elton should have retired after he had the gay affair with Mick Jagger. He could have opened an art and fart gallery to auction off all of his 70’s sunglasses. Now THAT’S some lucrative mutha fucken shit!

80’s Smokie Robinson and my 2nd least favorite song from him in that era, “Cruisin’”. As long as they don’t play “Being With You.” That one helps me only when I’m constipated.

Oh course! Oh course!! How the hell could I sit in a doctor’s office without hearing Jimmy Buffet’s “Margaritaville??? Whoo hoo! Life is good! Damn good!

Oh yes, and there are the obligatory “dust ‘em offs”. So far I’ve heard Andy Gibb “Your Everything” and The Temptations “Just My Imagination”. Again, the stations really sucks there is no way to play music from 5 decades enjoyable. Nicheless and non-charismatic. To add insult to injury, they don’t even play the entire song!

And this woman next to me. Strange. The periodic glance in my direction, if I give her the “I see your ass looking at me so I’m gonna give you the ‘I don’t know you, but I know that you are acknowledging my presence is a weird way’” smile. No response. I say “hi”. No response. Then wtf you keep looking at me for? You can’t see my “imprint” because I have the laptop on my lap. My hair is done so you can’t say my shit is busted. I put Dollar Store chapstick on my lips so I wouldn’t do the Malik Yoba. WTF is you looking at then? I hate to sound vain (uh…no I don’t) but I think she got the fever and I look like the stereotypical black man she wouldn’t mind being man-handled by. One clue is that she isn’t tapping her foot to that fucken Jimmy Buffet song. Uh oh, now she is…no. She stopped. Whew! And she has a certain air about her, can’t put my finger on it. She ain’t frumpy? The outfit? (It’s conservatively befitting. Highlights her better attributes, but those attributes are ones that we brothers would like. I would assume that a white woman with a big butt who is not attracted to black men would try to downplay her onion.)

Or she could be just bored.

Ok, this is gonna be trife, but here goes. What is up with the handicapped these days? Am I wrong or is it that there are more obese wheelchair bound people now than let’s say 10 or 15 years ago? Is it because the handicapped back then played wheelchair-based sports more? Is it that most of them adapted to being alone therefore keeping them small because of the strength they’d have to exert without the assistance of their legs? Man, lately, I’ve seen wheelchairs for fat asses. Like, like…how you can get a trailer in a double-wide. Shit, do you even NEED a trailer? And then a double-wide at that. How is does that convo with the doctor go?

Doc: Yes, Mrs Simms. We need to get you a new wheelchair. However, its going to cost you an extra $200 because you have a fat ass.
I don’t want to sound insensitive because its not funny that anyone is handicapped. But whoa. Just like when I was in the super market a year or so ago; there was this younger kat riding around in one of house complimentary powered shopping carts. Poor cart. I heard it coming a mile away because his fat ass was so fat it was folding over and under the damn armrests. And damn that cart was strugglin’! All you could hear was “sseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” and it was going about half the speed they usually go. Trife.


chaparritadeoro said...

**shaking head and red in the face from laughing so damn much!** You crack me up man! Were we separated at birth?? I like you :p We think alike...

r. said...

didn't you know that fat is the new handicap...

Brother Kojak said...

Oh yeah...I think you're right