Thursday, April 28, 2005

I Pinched A Nerve

No, my back is fine, but it seems that I got some of you a little warm about your derieres (sp?). I tell you what, here's how you know if you got a nice one: 1.) If you're walking down the street with a sista and some brothas walking behind you make a blanket comment about the 2 of you, you MIGHT have a little onion. 2.) If an older black man says to you on the street "Mmm mmm mmm. Do fries go with that shake?" You probably have some resemblance of an onion. 3.) If you've always wondered why more black men hit on you than white men, you probably got an onion. 4.) If you can only by jeans and capris in either the hood or the barrio (no Macy's, no Limited, no Wet Seal. Lane Bryant and The Answer do not count), then you DEFINITELY have an onion. Now, there is a difference between a big ass and a phat ass. Huge difference. A phat ass is an ass that is visually disproportionate and appealing in reference to a feasibly optimal waistline. So if you have big hips because you have a big waistline, thats not a phat ass. That's a big ass. Here's the physical test, take out a pair of your jeans....does the waist band taper or is it just about even with the hip line? If it tapers, ok, you might be a candidate. If not, well, that ain't an onion, that's a Dove Bar. **Oh I'm on a roll now!** Mayonaise. Any idea what that is? Yes, you put it on a sammich to add a creamy texture, but on the streets mayonaise is not a good thing. Mayonaise on the legs occurs when you have the combination of the dimples on the back of your thighs and when your skin is not contoured to the muscle i.e. when the fat on your ass and/or thighs is just there. The physical test? If you flex the back of your leg and can't feel the contour of your muscles without moving that fat-shit to the side, yeah...that's mayonaise. Now try this one; get in your draws next to a mirror. Profile so that you can see your ass in the mirror. Flex dat ass. Get on the balls of your feet and jump. You only need to do this a couple inches off the ground. Now...if you do this and your ass doesn't bounce, wow. Good for you. You must be an Olympic gymnist or have Buns of Steel. If it bounces once, you might have a phat ass. If it bounces more that once....chile, that ass is just big. No if's, and's or but's. (no pun intended) Last test; multiple asses. Read this carefully: YOU DO NOT HAVE A PHAT ASS IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE ASS! If you have a nice onion, its just round; maybe more girth on the lower peripheral that the upper. But if you have that slight indentation where the upper "deck" curves in and then curves out to a lower "deck", honey, that's a big ass. Again, YOU DO NOT HAVE A PHAT ASS IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE ASS! I can't comment on that enough. That's an instant elimination from contention. And while we are on the matter of butts, do me a favor. Follow the following rules for summer apparell. 1.) Don't wear midrifts if you have a stomach. I didnt say tummy, I mean stomach. When you have to bend over to see your toes. That's stomach. Leave them shits alone! Ain't nobody trying to see that!!! 2.) Below is a phat ass and how you should wear a thong.


See the triangular part? The base of it should be NOT be the size of a tri-ominoe (Triangular dominoe). So if that thong has a tendency to disappear in your crack, that might not be the move for you.

Let's get even realer here. I have a big ass. That shit is all over place so I can talk about other people's asses. Hey, I'm just looking out, n'yamean?

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

"Bring Some Chicken..."

Culture and Ideas class was very weird today. First of all, 2 weeks from now is our last day of class. We are supposed to have a small party during that class to do evaluations and talk about the class overall. The professor passed out a sign-in sheet for the potluck affair. When it was my turn to put something on the list, I drew a blank. I was sitting in the back of the room so by the time the list got to me I was stumped. My classmate next to me says "Just bring some chicken." Now, if she wasn't black, I would have been PISSED! Why? It's just one of those things I have. I have this phobia about eating fried chicken, ribs, or any other stereotypical food in front of white folks. I never do it and I'll be damned if I'm gonna bring fried chicken to a class potluck. I think it all stems from when I was about 7 or 8 and I met my blood brother's next door neighbor, Roy. Roy is an old POW from the Korean War and a native of Tennesse. The day I met him was the day they were supposed to be having a cookout, but it rained or something like that. Well, we were all in the house and Roy says to me "Hey. I hope yer hongry because we got a whole lot of good stuff. Greens, chicken, ribs, hot dogs, watermelon. All that good stuff. Evidently I was siced because for the rest of my life he would remind me of that story and how my eyes got as big as quarters and so on. So, I boycott eating the stereotypical food in public. So I just put a bunch of question marks under my name and asked to be assigned to bring something.

The other thing was a comparison of certain things in Hamlet to some of the stories in the New Testament. The professor gave note as to how some of the things that were done were very similar to what happened to Jesus. Wow. The Christian folk didn't dig that at all. My thing was, listen to what dude is saying and at least make an attempt to look at the writings in the Bible at face value. No one denounced Jesus, it was just an observation. I made a semi-joke in there and said "Well, when Shakepeare wrote this he was probably working on the rough draft of the King James version of the Bible as well so he just wanted to save time." That lightened the tension but man! I hope he never does that in a classroom again. As a matter of fact, when I took him in the summer this one woman dropped the class and it probably had a lot to do with his asectular views. Crazy man.

Special Note: Don't worry ladies, I haven't forgotten about the comments I got from the last post. That rebuttal and defense of the boo-tay will be posted in ther very near future.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Aight, y'all. Here goes....

Seems like I'm not the only one feeling Vivica for the WW role. So......if you have cell phone and about 5 minutes, call (310) 288-8000. That'll get you in touch with her agent's office and they will ask you a couple questions. Who knows? It may make a weird, demented type of difference.

I'm so bitter today. Today was supposed to be a laid back day but instead I spent 2 hours of it on the highway trying to get to DC. That's fucked up. I wasn't even going to work man.

Random Observations:

Taking a nap in the sunlight (direct or indirect) is great.
When did young brothas start skate boarding? Why didn't I get the memo?
Where do I boogers come from?
If YOU were just award a doctorate from a prestigious institution, wouldn't you be jumping around all over the place as if it were the Price Is Right?
As a husband, why am I always wrong? Ain't I suppose to get an annual pass or something?
Today would be a great day to be at a beer festival.
Who the hell wears an FBI baseball cap if they ain't in the FBI?
I've seen 2.....count 'em.....2 white women with nice rumps. That's got to be a record.

Monday, April 25, 2005

I Can Be Such A Loser....

2:34 p.m.
Here are the important things going on in my life right now that need to be taken care of either continuously or expeditiously:
1.) Studying. Always.
2.) Applying and registering at UMUC for summer classes. tick tick tick tick tick tick tick.....
3.) calling my debitors so that they won't drag my ass to jail.
4.) looking for another job

But NOOOOOOOOO! Instead, I make a phone call based on the silly conversation we had at the party yesterday about Wonder Woman. Yea, we were talking about Wonder Woman and I interjectered that Vivica Fox would be a great Wonder Woman. The fact that she's black puts a cool spin on it (Can you imagine Wonder Woman flying in her invisible jet rockin' som Lil' John. Tight!), she has that vuluptuous body like Linda Carter, and she has some noteriety so she could sell the movie a bit. I actually talked to one of her agents on the phone. (?????) Man, the shit I seem to start...

My Weekend

Good afternoon, Blog Family. Hope y'all enjoyed your respective weekends. I did. Very busy as usual. Friday I was in "fuck e'rybody" mode. As soon as I got off work, I headed home and dozed off. When I woke up, I just hung around the house doing absolutely nothing. Damn it was great.

Saturday I drove to B-more and got chewed out by the E-wife. No prob....weekly occurance. Unfortunate for her she was cut short as I found out my son had a baseball game at 8:30 in the damn morning. No, they didn't win, nor did they loose. Its teeball, everyone gets to hit and run around the bases like a damn jackass. **sigh** What's the point? These kids get their hands held WAY too much for my liking. At that same age group, my coach would be screaming on my ass about playing my position the right way and keeping my hat on my head etc. Now it's like "It's ok, Little Jonny, you can dig in your nose and play in the dirt while the ball is in play. Maybe we should get you a helmet to wear in the field so your noodle doesn't get knocked....."
After that the child bathed and I took him to the barbershop. Usually I like to sit around and chit chat and I'll end up there for a couple hours. Not this Saturday. I went to the good but less established barber and shorty was outta there in about an hour. I then dropped him off at his aunt's so that I could join my Database study group. (exciting, huh?) And due to daddy duty, I missed out on a party where I was told "not to bring sand to the beach".

Sunday we ended up at a party for my cousin's birthday. She turned 30 and what was cool was she asked all of us 30-somethings what we learned in our 20's. It was interesting to hear everyone's responses. Mine was "I learned that I can't always put myself 1st. " As much as I glorify my embracing of self , its important to put those children 1st; especially as a black man (proof again that I am a dicotomy of self). The party was a lot of fun and lots of funny things were said all the way around. The highlight of the party was when my cousin's co-worker's girlfriend walked in. Che-walli-walli! She looked like a taller, slighty more ethnic version of Leah Remini. Prettier too. She is a teacher....shit! I KNOW I wouldn't get a damn thing done if she were my teacher.
After we left it was time for Cub Scouts. THANK YOU GOD IT WAS THE LAST MEETING! We sang some REALLY silly songs. One of which was supposed to be sang in a German accent describing one's Top-Knocker (head), Sweaten-Sviper (forehead), Tooten-Honker (nose), Soup-Strainer (upper lip), Mouthen-Somethingornother (mouth), Chin-Strapper (chin), Rubber-Necker (neck), and Chest-Protector (chest).
**sigh** I do it for the kids man....
All in all, we found out that the kids loved scouting and wanted more camping trips. So, thats what's up for next season.

I'd like to give a shout out to a new member, Paula. Give her some love, she's mad cool.

As for today, nothing much going on. I'm having a bad deoderant day and the kids are hip. By the end if the day I'll have a new nickname I'm sure.

KeyLolo Update (Friday): Scandalously sexy. One of those Black pancho looking things, white shirt short enough to expose the belly button ring, and tight white capris. White open toed, heeled sandals.

KeyLolo Update: White, tight Bebe long sleeve, tight jean capris, and pair of Pro Keds. When I had my little confrontation Thursday, she had to kick those heels off and go bare-footed. Maybe she was anticipating some action today. Damn I hope not.

Friday, April 22, 2005

"You're fired."

Yup, last night I got fired. Not from my job, but as the webmaster for my parent's company website. Mom told me I was too far behind on updating things. That's fine because yes, I try to be a dad, an employee, and a student everyday. It is hard adding company webmaster to that as well. But that's not what fucked me up. What got me was her having the audacity to ask after she told me that she wanted to find a replacement for me: "Can you show me how to update the website so I can do it in the meantime?"
Huh? You say what? Ok, this is coming from a woman who doesn't know what HTML means or what its supposed to do, doesn't know what Dreamweaver, doesn't know what a tiled jpg is, or what the hell FTP is. I said. "No. By the time I show you how to do it, I could have done it myself. Just find your person and I will give them all the info and settings they need."

This is how my night ended after my professor fucked me over on grading 2 of my quizzes, sitting in traffic for an hour and 45 minutes, and having a 15 year old jump in my face telling me I have him "fucked up" (heated, pissed off). The last item was over something trivial; I asked him to be quiet while one of the adults were talking. He ignored me. Then he refused. Then he screamed on me.....can't have that.

KeyLolo Update (yesterday): Black and white. Black Bebe top, tight white pants and white sandals. Sans undies. Mmm mm mmm

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

The Dumbest Question of The Day For The Entire Planet Earth

I don't think there could be a dumber question that was ever asked yesterday. I'm not smart enough to listen to NPR and follow it, and the Gemini in me HATES redundancy so I have a tendency to listen to sports radio off and on. Then morning I was listening to the Mike and Mike Show on ESPN and one Mike mentioned that he had a convo with the cafeteria manager yesterday.
DumDum: Did they choose a new pope yet?
Mike: Yes, he's a German. 76 years old.
DumDum: Oh!! Is he Catholic?
Mike: **pause** I think that was the only prerequisite.

That damn Jamie Foxx. First he nails Ray Charles in a movie portrayal, then he wins an Oscar (automatic $25 mill. a flic paycheck), and now THIS!! The rumors are they have actually sparked something, or she is politicking with him to get him to star in a movie that she is currently writing and producing. Either way, its win-win. Isn't that how Puff hooked up with Jennifer Lopez? One a series of business dinners? Damn, is NIIICE! When you winning, you just winning. I am jealous, but I ain't hatin'. He's come a long way and so many people are proud of his accomplishments.

This day is starting out nicely. Both KeyLolo and HourGlass are looking lovely today. Strange though, HourGlass just finished demonstrated the Mermaid move she learned in belly dancing class. KeyLolo's response: "Oh. You paid money to learn that?"

I was in a meeting with the mentoring teacher and came into the hallway after a fight had just been broken up. Apparently one of the school's big mouth/bully strolled into a classroom late and starting beefing with another student, 50 Cent's younger brother. (well, he does at least LOOK like him) And as is the case with most bully's, 50 commenced to whipping Big Mouth's ass. Tsk tsk. From what I heard the teacher wasn't in a hurry to break up the fight either. And Big Mouth's eye is all banged up. They even considered calling an ambulance.

KeyLolo Update: All white. Looking like a Clorox commercial. fault. She has on some jean capris and a white summer hoodie.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

And I Thought I Was a Loser

...So I'm finishing up making my empanadas (great recipes for these on and decide that I want to get my drink on. So I get into the car and hit the all night liquor store. Check THIS shit out....
The guy working behind the counter is obvious a grad of MITS (Mobile Intermediary Teriary School) with the teeth that looked like a broken, crooked ass fence, dangling Marlboro from the mouth, and the "Cat" baseball cap he "inherited" (read "swiped") from his grandfather. He is annoying the shit out of a man standing in from of me.
Loser: Wow, you don't look nothin' like your age. You a old fella!
Man: Yeah, I get cared every time I go somewhere.
Loser: You see there? That's a compliment. You outta tip me for that one.
Man: yeah. Thanks.
Loser: You see, people don't get compliments like that everyday.
Man: Its alright though. Maybe one of these days I won't get carded.
Loser: **opening up register** Yup. I know I deserve a tip for THAT compliment.
Man: **accepting change** Ok, thanks. Have a good night
**I step up to the register**
Loser: Oh, I ain't even gonna bother checking your ID. You must be a OLD man!
Me: So I've been told.
Loser: Naw. You don't look that old. $4.37
Me: **I pull out a 5 and look in my pocket for change**
Loser: Aww! you might as well give me that 5 and let me keep the change for tip!
Me: This guy is annoying like shit. Let me get the hell outta here. **handing him the 5**
Loser: **punching in the register**
Me: Dude, keep it.
Loser: Why thank you sir! You are a gentleman and a scholar!
Me: yeah, aight.

KeyLolo Update: Ms Lolo has been on hiatus the past couple days. Says her son had an "ear infection". Wink wink. Shit....his ass is like 14, how he gonna get an ear infection????

Just kidding. Ok....Very conservative today, black jacket (one that actually fits nicely, not there for subtlety), green top, TIGHT black and grey plaid capris, and some cotton white Keds. Hmmmm....she has a tattoo on the outside of her calf. It has 2 hands in the gesture of prayer. Very good....

Monday, April 18, 2005

My Bad!

Ever meet one of those guys who whenever you talk to him he's either looking at your tits or the tits of some woman walking by? Yeah, that guy would be me. Man, I just can't help it! I'm so damn hetero! And I love boobies!! I don't see how a man can turn down someone like Vida WhatsHerName or in my case Ms. HourGlass to get at another ding-a-ling! Damn, I mean, you can play with your own, why in the fuck would you want to play with someone else's????

"Come here, honey. Let's rub beards."

Sorry, I digress. So I'm eating lunch with HourGlass and she has on this tight black dress with a lacy top. And the lacy top was PERFECT for the new tits. These pubescent boys went nuts and with good reason. "Damn I wish I was like 30 or 27 or somethin'." was the quote d'jour today.
The phone rings. Its PrettyPussy(Cat).
PrettyPussy(Cat): Hey you. What's going on? You busy?
Me: oh no. Just eating.
PrettyPussy(Cat): Oh. Whatcha eating?
wow....everytime she bends over the desk, her tits grace the top. damn.
Me: Huh? Oh...uh...a chicken **gulp** breast sandwich.
PrettyPussy(Cat): Oh. I'm eating a ham and cheese. I didn't have the money to......
OMG...I wish she would stop stretching! Those tits are just hangin' there; defying gravity and shit! MMMM! oh uh....convo...
Me: What did you say?
PrettyPussy(Cat): I said I should be done later this evening.
Me: Oh, with your brother?
mmmm...if only that top would hike up a tad bit more
PrettyPussy(Cat): With the lawyer. I just told you that.
Me: Oh. My bad. I'm still eating.
**sandwich had BEEN gone**
PrettyPussy(Cat): I see. You know what, I'm gonna let you go. Maybe you'll talk more when you don't have company. **in Spanish** If you were in your office, no one would bother you.
impressive. Everytime she laughs, they jiggle like real tits...
Me: Oh, ok. Entiendo.
PrettyPussy(Cat): Do you? Want me to say it in English so you understand?
Me: Well, sure. I think I got it though.
**she repeats**
PrettyPussy(Cat): Call me when you are by yourself. I want your attention, not HALF of the attention you taking from whoever in there with you.
Me: Well, ok. Can I call you when I get on the highway?
PrettyPussy(Cat): yeah. whatever.
Even through the phone I could see the eye roll. Sorry PrettyPussy(Cat). Maybe one day I'll grow up and be asexual. **hug**

Saturday, April 16, 2005

"A Camping We Will Go...."


That's right. I said "sike". The camping trip was cancelled due to unseasonal temperatures and high winds. Some people bravely put up their tents, but it was for naught. The wind would just beat it until the tent collapsed to the ground. And of course, no one told the BROTHER that it was cancelled until I got down there. Hmmm.....fancy THAT shit.

My son and I got there around 11:30. Not too long of a ride, just over 2.5 hours. I pay my $10, find the campsite thats damn near abandoned outside of some serious extremists. Luckily, I saw one of the other Den Leaders and he informed about everyone leaving to go back home. He offered to let us hang with them as long as we liked since they were lucky enough to get his mother's RV. I wasn't going take them up on their offer because that conversation between he and I at that moment had been the longest convo we'd ever had. However, my son was like "COOL!" Its funny how as a child the slightest things amuse you such as sitting in an RV. So we sat in there to warm up after coming off of the beach. Of course, it was a lot of small talk because like I said, I didn't know them. In fact, it was the 1st time I had ever met his wife and I just happened to meet his mom as well. Interesting things I learned about him and his peeps:

His ancestory is German, not Italian. Krachk or something like that. One of those names that reads like it sounds but you think "Damn, I KNOW it can't be pronounced like that!"

It costs $600 in gas round-trip to go to Ohio in an RV.

They have 3 kids not 2.

My son likes to play with toy guns.

My son is a master of the embellishment by over-stating periods of time in the form of "long, long, LONG time".

They have a 8 year old retriever name Riley. Arthritic.

Mom and grandma ain't the best of friends. Not enemies, but they ain't going on no shopping sprees either.

So after a cup of hot cocoa, we decided to take advantage of the wind by flying a kite. Too easy. That's how rough that wind was. He had the kite in the air in about 30 seconds with the string so tight you could have played "Dust in The Wind" on it. (Hey! A metaphor! I must be NICE!) The Krachks were so sweet. They offered us lunch but to me that was going too far because I doubt they were thinking about making enough for a whole lot of people. So we rolled out to Subway. Before I get on the topic of the workers at Subway, Let's talk about Assateague for a minute. Ideally, you figure its a beautiful place full of horses grazing and swatting their tails and if you're lucky you'll get a glimpse of a few. Uh, maybe half of that is true. There are no natural predators of the horses on the island so horses are everywhere. In fact, a small, 2 small herds were right near the RV. Like within a few feet. The biggest issue to me was the prevalent presence of turds. Turds stacked high, turds stacked low. Turds blown over the sand from their short or high stacks. And to put the exclamation point on it, there were port-a-potties at the campsites. And me in all my profound wisedom decided to use one. Need I say more? I should have pissed in the woods...

So we get to the Subway and there are 3 workers there. All of them young Russian (or some Slavic language) girls. I've always been skeptical of Russian immigrants because I hear so many stories. We all know that some of the women get over here and are sold off to prostitution or to get a hurt-ting American husband who they will dog. The other reason I hear is that they are either in the Russian mafia or work for it. I know this sounds silly, but I believe that shit too. Wanna know why? Because a long time ago I used to live in one of the worst neighborhoods in B-more (Looked like this one...without the boarded up windows of course. Wasn't living that trife!). Usually when I tried to get a cab to the house it was an issue. "Oh, I'm off duty." "I don't go to the west side." But the Russian kats? Shiiiit. They'll take your ass to the other side of hell as long as you got the fare. It was so wild because I'd tell the address with one foot out of the cab waiting for the white man to say no but I hear the Russian accent answer "Ok. I take you." No fear whatsoever. And don't give me that shit about they ain't privy to the hood. They know! They be knowing!

Anyway, I'm apprehensive in the Subway because in the back of my mind I'm waiting for the deal to go down. Everytime I hear them say something to each other in Russian, my eye is on the door for the kat in the long black coat and big fur hat. Waiting to pull my son and myself under a table or something for protection from the flying bullets.
Ain't I silly?

Friday, April 15, 2005


I used to read comic books all the time as a pre-teen. There was this one cartoon by Marvel called "What If..?" It would take different instances in the comic world and do a "what if" type scenario to it; like "What if Spider-Man decided to quit?" Stuff like that. Well here's one; what if Sidney Portier decided to accepted roles that were less dignified? I don't know why I was thinking of this, but who in the acting world would be the antithesis of Sidney Portier? Black man from another country who went the OTHER way as far as acting. One who took whatever role just for the paycheck. Hmmmmm....can't think of anyone. First I thought of Robert Guillame because of "Soap" , but he DID go on to become the mayor in "Benson", right? I'll figure it out.

Today is the anniversary of Jackie Robinson joining the Brooklyn Dodgers. For those that don't know about him, he was a 5 sport super athlete with brains to boot. The big point is that he wasn't even the best Negro League player at the time but he had the best retrospect of what he was doing and how important it was. Not on the basis of sports. Sports is entertainment. What he exemplied was black men having the capabilty to do and accomplish the same things white men do and accomplish. He set the precident for that and today we honor Mr. Robinson for that.

There have been no KeyLolo updates because she has been out for the past 2 days. Yeah, the last time she was out and we called her, she was at Hooters.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Lite Day II

this entry is unedited. Please forgive the syntax and grammatical errors.

Le Yawn....what a boring day. We had a long ass staff meeting yesterday about duty posts and what the hell people are supposed to be doing. Now it seems we've gotten it under control; this week. Drove for like 4 hours yesterday running around doing errands. Today might be similar. It Best Buy, drop off laptop, drop off W2 (yes, JUST getting to that even though I get a return), cram, take a quiz. Study after class for tomorrow's class. This weekend we go camping at Assateague. A full weekend. Woo hoo.


let me see, what else am I thinking about. OH! This past weekend I hung out with the Castellian.
She and I took
a long walk
along the park
after dark.
found a spot
for us to spark
verbal elation

hehehee....I know only a few of y'all got that, but hang in there; you'll catch on. We got to talking about weird things that we didnt know about each others' genders. I forgot what I told her, but damn if I didn't know that some women have hair on their backs, but in the weird way.

Castellian: Yeah man! Some women have hair on their backs. But not like men. It goes from their asses to the middle of the back **contorting to point** See here? Yeah, it goes up there. Dude, it looks like a cat died on their back.

I, of course, made a skeptical of myself laughing. (another insider. Click here for Tonya Harding vs. Dan Patrick.)
Me: DAYUM!! Why don't they shave??
Castellian: Dude...I don't know. And I'm telling you, anytime you have a woman with the thick hair on the face...what is that called again?
Me: Sideburns
Castellian: **laughing** Yea. When you those sideburns, dude, those are the women with all of the hair. I'm telling you! Its nasty fucking shit man!

That girl is a nut.

And why was Tupac is entralled with Niccolo Machiavelli? I'm reading about him for a class and I am not impressed in the least. The guy was a wuss who TALKED about kicking ass. Did he ever go into battle to kick the ass? No. He theorized on the what, why and how, but that's about it. He delegated. Yeah, I can see me in HIS muh fucken army.....

"Citizens! We have come forth today to take what may soon be rightfully ours. Our enemies lie ahead, obstructing our dominance of this entire continent. Let us go forth and desimate those who stand before us! Let the world that our country is worthy to lead all others!!"
"I'll see y'all when you get back."

Politicians. Got all the answers, none of the backbone.

KeyLolo Update: Rather tame. Red short shirt (Bebe of course) and TIGHT jeans. Matching tennis shoes; white with a red stripe and a blue stripe.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Lite Day

man....some are you are so prolific with your blogging I haven't even READ what you've written. Twisty, ThatGirl; I can't keep up.

But...what you all wait for; the KeyLolo Update. Today is a black and white sweatsuit by Bebe. Tight all over; like a big ass sock. Except for the jacket. That's white with black going down the sides and somewhat under the breasts. Matching pants white on black. Sans draws.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Antropology & Society

I know you all get tired of my racial observation, but I need help here my friendly readers. The topic, Spain. I was talking to someone from Spain this weekend. She (and she may be an oddball case) but I don't think she considers herself Caucasian. That's strange, because if I'm not mistaken the Moors moved out of Spain about 600 years ago. So their "Negroid" genetic make-up is minimal....I would assume. Shit, I don't know. Someone help me out.

Ok! On a lighter note, I had another odd convo with Glueman. No, it wasn't odd, it waw was funny as shit.

**Mid-day, in line at the Arby's**

Gluman: **laughing**
Me: wassup?
Glueman: Yo man, what would happen if when you nutted it lasted for a minute and a half?
Me: **laughing** WHAT?? You buggin'!
Glueman: I'm sayin' though! What would happen??
Me: Man...I bet you'd be screaming your BALLS off!
**next I lean back and softly scream in my best "Black or White" Micheal Jackson video imitation**
Glueman: Yeah, and I bet you be spent like a muh fucka too!
Me: **laughing** Aww man, you crazy as shit. That would be some serious shit, son!
Glueman: What's the longest time you ever bust one?
Me: Oh...about 30 seconds.
Glueman: Lying muh fucka. You ain't done 30 seconds shit!
Me: Aight...I'm just lying. But for real, one time it had to be at least 20 seconds.
Glueman: hehehehe.....and you was spent like shit, weren't you?
Me: Muh fucka I was DONE. I was no good for the rest of the night.

KeyLolo Update:

Alright! Time to start the week off right, right?
White off the shoulder mid-rift blouse. TIGHT yellow pants with black tangas...or au natural, I think tanga though. White high heeled but flat open-toed sandals.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Just Another Day In Prince George's County Schools

During the course of my day, I've had to put the fear of God into 2 students and break up some ruckus in the hallway....5 different girls, 3 different issues.
3 different girls were beefing about a boy ready to fight
1 was mad about being in a particular class
the other was trying to stab a boy with a pencil for squeezing her butt

All of this happened at exactly the same time in the hallway.

I love my job....I want to DIE HERE!!!

And in the job search. **sigh** That's off the hook too.

Check this out.....why come I cant get a job because of my credit? Remember the lady that called me last week and I was over qualified? Yeah....she called me again, found a job with a great fit and all....

HER: how's your credit?
ME **laughing** It sucks. I've been unemployed for over a year. ALL of the credit cards and stuff are behind.
HER: Oh. This is a financial institution, so its a conflict of interest for someone with bad credit to work there.
ME: hey, its whatever.....

Aint that some shit? I'm genuinely starting to believe that this woman does not like me.

KeyLolo Update: Bebe....THAT's what's up. Tight and short Bebe shirt, Bebe belt, and TIGHT blue jeans. (no back pockets....huh?) High top Reeboks.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Yeah....that's right! I be busy!

And lazy too! I've been on the run all weekend spending all kinds of money I do not have. Typical idiot on payday, right? I think I have $0.96 in my account.

Why do we fall? I mean, not metaphorically and shit, I mean for real for real. Why do we fall? Sure, we all trip on things and loose our balance, but isn't there an age where your ass just STOPS being clumsy?
Evidently not. I have a friend who busted her ass in the worst way. She was mad as shit at first (I guess through embarrassment) and later everyone was laughing about her ass being sprawled out on the sidewalk of Hell's Kitchen. Hehhehehe
Here are some of my most favorite fall stories:

Glueman has a great government job. He has a surprising amount of perks given he works for the government. He is very proud of his accomplishments and was especially proud when he first got started. He got the opportunity to wear the crisp suits, the nice cell phone, etc. One post-icestorm day he was getting out of his government issue car in one of the worst neighborhoods in B-more. Where he was going, I don't know. Maybe to one of the Korean owned Lake Trout joints in the area (which is a blog entry in of itself). He got out of the car, adjusted the collar of his black wool trench, locked the door, took a step, then.....


Flat on his flat ass. You see, he was so busy trying to act like he was on New York Undercover, he busted his ass on ice coated cement. He wasn't hurt, only his pride.

A woman I used to date was telling me about her experience when she was a teenager. She and her girls were going out. She was upstairs and talking shit to one of her girls downstairs. "Bitch, you must trippin'! You...."
And down the stairs she tumbled. One high heel went one way, the other went another. Her cute little "I'm almost a woman" outfit twisted up her back as she rolled, tumbled and "ugh"-ed down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, she could just moan and look up to find everyone in the house huddled around her in awe and with stupid looks on their faces. After the obligatory 30 second wait to see if she was ok, everyone commenced to tear jerking laughter.

And of course, MY fall story. I was going to the gym in the dead of winter. Early in the morning, snow on the ground from a recent storm. I was anted up, had the Under Armour rocking, basketball shorts, silky hair tie for the dreds everything matching; I not only felt good, but I looked good too. I walked out of the house; it couldn't have been more than 35 degrees outside. I was carrying my work clothes over my shoulder carefully to the car. I baby stepped down the slight incline of the frontyard to the driveway with little effort. Placed the clothes in the back seat, no problem. On the second trip, this time I had my gym bag in my hand. Same effort to get down the incline, but.......

...somehow or another I lost my footing and fell hard to the ground. My fall was acompanied by a "Ugh!" a la Charlie Brown. The worst part was I fell so hard that I ended up sliding UNDER the car. And even worse than that, I slid trying to get up. All the cool points gone for the day. Couldn't even get my swole on good because I hurt my damn arm.

To stay on that subject, why is it that as you get older, you end up hurting yourself worse trying NOT to fall? I mean, there have been so many times where I trip, and it would be so much easier to fall and take it then to try and catch something to hold my big ass up or pull a muscle trying to do twists and turn mid-air that I haven't been able to do since 3rd grade. That leads me to my next point: Why is it that when we fall we have a tendency to yell something? And why is it that that something gets more religious as we get older? Think about it for a second.

Thought about it? Ok, I'll demonstrate on Glueman since we grew up together:

Glueman @ 7 falling**no noise**
Glueman @ 12 falling: Whoa!
Glueman @ 22 falling:Oh shit....
Glueman @ 32 falling:Whoa..whoa....WHOA!!!
Glueman @ 40 falling:Uh oh....oh God...
Glueman @ 58 falling:Oh Lawd He'p me Jesus!

Strange is is strange.

Hey y'all

Sorry, no catchy title today. Its still early. So far so good too. Although I do get one of my mid-terms back today. Not looking forward to that. Had a slight spat with the e-wife. Nothing major, just enough to get on your nerves though. Then I find out that the grad program I wanted to attend got squashed. Now I have to settle for my #2 or #3 choices, both of which may as me to take supplemental classes. Great.

KeyLo-Lo Update: Even though its only been a week, I've forgotten how good that onion looks in tight pants. Green was the color today, like a pastel type color. Green off the shoulder sweater (low cut for some reason), TIGHT green capris with a difficult to describe pattern; there are pink and yellows in it and the material looks like a burlap-type thing...I dunno. The there are the high heeled green, jeweled sandals. Toe nails a perfect match for the pink in the pants.

Monday, April 04, 2005

what is that noise?

Oh God. That is my stomach. Churning the Chocolate Lucky Charms I had yesterday morning thru my intestines.....

Damn. I gotta take a shit.

I don't mean to be gross, but it beez like that sometimes. Its a bodily function that we all do, however, I have a real psychosymatic problem with it. I get REALLY self-conscious about having to take a dump outside of a place of comfort. I can't go to a public bathroom because 1.) its gross and I don't have any familiarity with the previous ass that sat there 2.) I get self-conscious about my potential bodily sounds and odors that may be emitted. One time I couldn't hold it and sat in what I thought was a secluded area of the building and took care of business. Right in the middle of my, uh....session, somebody walked in and non-chelantly said "Hmmm. Stinks in here." And walked out. I was so embarrasssed. Right there on the bowl I prayed that he didn't recognize my shoes or belt buckle.

Anyway, so today I face that dilemma again. And I work at a middle school with extra-immature kids. That's the LAST thing I need from them "Mr Kojak was in the bathroom takin' a shit y'all!" I'm in a panic. Take some breaths. Yeah. That works. Can't fart...could be deadly.

Damn! Gotta go. BRB....

Whew! I am so proud of myself. I got over my issue and did the damn thing. I'll leave out the gory details, but I will tell what I end up doing. This is how pathetic I am with this phobia:

I couldn't take it anymore. I just had to go. I actually considered going out way in the woods with some toilet paper and a shovel. I passed on that. I decided to go to the IIS (In School Suspension) Room. The room is secluded and no kids had been taken there yet (which was a miracle in itself). I ran to find the custodian, Mr. StupidMuthaFuckas. No, he's not stupid but thats how he references the students 9 times outta 10. I asked him for some toilet paper and without expression, he walked over to the janitor's closet and handed me a roll. I tucked the roll under my sweatshirt and jogged down the hall. I jogged instead of walked because I knew that if I sat there longer than 10 mins, it was going to be trouble. Therefore, I agitated my contents with a short jog.
Today was my day. There was no one in there so I ran in and quickly shut the door. I hooked the toilet seat up and sat. Oh shit! No lock on the door!! I was about to stand back up and relocate, but my intestines told me otherwise. I sat back down, leaned forward, and held the door tight with my fingertips. Now, keep in mind I'm a "thinker on the can" type man. Its not unusual for me to sit there for 20-40 minutes. Shiiiiiiiiit. Not today! I was outta there in 7.
Later in the hallway I saw Mr. StupidMuthaFuckas.
Me: Hey Mr. S. Thanks for the hook up earlier.
Mr S: Saved your life huh? **laughing**
Me: just don't know!
**both laugh**

KeyLo-Lo Update: No update today. Ms HourGlass (and her new huge tits) told me she wasn't coming in.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Meanwhile, at the optometrist's office.....

I’m sitting in my mom’s optometrist’s office. Of course, they play the obligatory easy listening favorites. Yuck. I think the main reason I don’t like this music is because it has little to know character or niche. If it was distinguishable, I’d give it some respect. But uh…no. So as I sit here playing solitaire (there is no wireless network in the building) I will compose a list of Songs that Suck:

Songs That Suck:
Gloria Estephan’s “Turn The Beat Around”
I didn’t realize how bad of a singer she is until I heard this song. She’d be better singing tone def shit like country music. It’s also why she’s better Cubana singer; you can mask a bad voice with plenty of horns and congos.

Uh…ok. Now the DJ is trying to gain cool points by playing Barry White’s “My First, My Last, My Everything”. Unfortunately, this is probably his gayest song and is always on the rotation on stations like this. Therefore, it sucks by default.

Oh…My….GOD. Allah be merciful! There actually exists a remake of the Chi-Lites “You Make Me Feel Brand New”?????? I ain’t even know! Shit, I wish I didn’t….

Damn. Elton John’s “Sad Songs Say So Much”.
They reach into your room….whoa oh oh OH!
Just breeze and a gentle touch
When all hope is gone
You know sad songs say so much.
Damn I hate that chorus. Elton should have retired after he had the gay affair with Mick Jagger. He could have opened an art and fart gallery to auction off all of his 70’s sunglasses. Now THAT’S some lucrative mutha fucken shit!

80’s Smokie Robinson and my 2nd least favorite song from him in that era, “Cruisin’”. As long as they don’t play “Being With You.” That one helps me only when I’m constipated.

Oh course! Oh course!! How the hell could I sit in a doctor’s office without hearing Jimmy Buffet’s “Margaritaville??? Whoo hoo! Life is good! Damn good!

Oh yes, and there are the obligatory “dust ‘em offs”. So far I’ve heard Andy Gibb “Your Everything” and The Temptations “Just My Imagination”. Again, the stations really sucks there is no way to play music from 5 decades enjoyable. Nicheless and non-charismatic. To add insult to injury, they don’t even play the entire song!

And this woman next to me. Strange. The periodic glance in my direction, if I give her the “I see your ass looking at me so I’m gonna give you the ‘I don’t know you, but I know that you are acknowledging my presence is a weird way’” smile. No response. I say “hi”. No response. Then wtf you keep looking at me for? You can’t see my “imprint” because I have the laptop on my lap. My hair is done so you can’t say my shit is busted. I put Dollar Store chapstick on my lips so I wouldn’t do the Malik Yoba. WTF is you looking at then? I hate to sound vain (uh…no I don’t) but I think she got the fever and I look like the stereotypical black man she wouldn’t mind being man-handled by. One clue is that she isn’t tapping her foot to that fucken Jimmy Buffet song. Uh oh, now she is…no. She stopped. Whew! And she has a certain air about her, can’t put my finger on it. She ain’t frumpy? The outfit? (It’s conservatively befitting. Highlights her better attributes, but those attributes are ones that we brothers would like. I would assume that a white woman with a big butt who is not attracted to black men would try to downplay her onion.)

Or she could be just bored.

Ok, this is gonna be trife, but here goes. What is up with the handicapped these days? Am I wrong or is it that there are more obese wheelchair bound people now than let’s say 10 or 15 years ago? Is it because the handicapped back then played wheelchair-based sports more? Is it that most of them adapted to being alone therefore keeping them small because of the strength they’d have to exert without the assistance of their legs? Man, lately, I’ve seen wheelchairs for fat asses. Like, like…how you can get a trailer in a double-wide. Shit, do you even NEED a trailer? And then a double-wide at that. How is does that convo with the doctor go?

Doc: Yes, Mrs Simms. We need to get you a new wheelchair. However, its going to cost you an extra $200 because you have a fat ass.
I don’t want to sound insensitive because its not funny that anyone is handicapped. But whoa. Just like when I was in the super market a year or so ago; there was this younger kat riding around in one of house complimentary powered shopping carts. Poor cart. I heard it coming a mile away because his fat ass was so fat it was folding over and under the damn armrests. And damn that cart was strugglin’! All you could hear was “sseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” and it was going about half the speed they usually go. Trife.