Friday, May 05, 2006

Brother Kojak's Top 15

Here are the hottest honeys in the entertainment industry based on 1 criteria; how much does she make me rub my dizzat? You know how we men (particularly us brothers) rub ourselves as if to keep the dizzat from jumping out of our pants? This list is based on that effect; the higher the woman is rated, the harder I would end up rubbing myself. Hey, trife is life!

(honorable mention) Nicole Lyn: She’s been in a bunch of small stuff, but I fell in love with her in the movie “Feast of All Saints”. She was really pretty and cute, but her womanhood was exposed in the voodoo ceremony scene. I feel bad for enjoying that scene, but her boobicles were just talking to me the whole time. I had to put on a bib too. Why is she at the bottom of the list? Because she is married to crooked-domed Dule Hill from “The West Wing”. Hurt-ting!

15. Cynda Williams: It is really disappointing that this gorgeous being is not in more movies. I think she screwed up when she had her big chance in “Mo Betta Blues”. She really wasn’t that good in it, but she oozed sexy in the movie. She has done a few more movies, none of them big. Don’t expect her here on the next list; mother nature is winning the beauty battle here.

14. Vanessa Williams: She was my number 1 for years. Vanessa had the fine wine effect, she just seemed to look better as she got older. However, those days are gone.

13. Stacey Dash: She would be WAY up on the list if she had a cup size bigger than a Dunkin' Doughnuts mug.

12. Lela Rochon: I used to go back and forth for my #1's between her and Vanessa Williams. Recently, motherhood has dealt her a bad hand. I mean, REAL bad. She now looks like her own uglier older sister. She really is only on the list because she was soooooooooooo bangin' in "Boomerang".

11. Amarie: So....damn....SEXY!!! Woo hoo! The only problem is how small she is. No ass, no boobs, just legs and a very pretty face; almost the same effect as Stacey Dash except Amarie can move. Movement my friends, is ALWAYS sexy.

10. Jennifer Lopez: The infamous J-Lo. She really shouldn’t be on this list, but I guess I’m giving her props based on the J-Lo from back in the day, pre-Ben Afleck. Mostly everything else about her bothers me though; the smaller bootie, the less ethnic look, marriage to goofballs. Still a beautiful woman, just ain’t got good sense.

9. Chenoa Maxwell (from the movie “G”): This woman is an acquired taste. Glueman seemed to think she looked like a cheetah, I on the other hand panted like a dog every time she entered a scene in the movie. The sex scenes ain’t hurt either.

8. Nicole Ari Parker: Sexy sista all day. This Baltimore native has the sexiest eyes of the entire list. A little on the small side, but she can definitely get it. I’m hatin’ on the husband though. These damn light-skinned trying to take over the domain!

7. Lisa Raye: Mmm mmm mmm. A ‘Round the Way Girl makes it to Hollywood and THEN marries a dignitary. I just look at her just wish she was a popsicle.

6. Carmen Electra: Something is wrong with this chic. She is hot as FIRE and just…is…(damn, how do I put this nicely)…uh…dumb as an unflushed turd? She’s been in more films lately, dumb shit, nonetheless so I guess it makes sense. But for every interview, her IQ or CSQ (Common Sense Quotient) seem to go down. I mind is a terrible thing to waste and her ass doesn’t even know what the United Negro College Fund is.

.5. Alicia Keys: Alicia used to be very sedate with her performance criteria as she is more of an artist than performer. One day, she went to an image consultant and the consultant said “You are striking. Maybe you can leverage your beauty to sell more records.” I have a good idea when that happened too….when she performed for last year’s Grammy Awards with the spaghetti strapped sequenced dress with the long slit up the side. My oh my.

4. Selma Hayek: Always sexy always hot. It was hard putting her this low but when you see the top 4 you’ll understand why. She STILL gets props for the striptease in “Dogma”.

3. Eva Mendes: She is always getting the role of the hot Latina who dates the brother, but shit, who’s complaining? She is just sexy for no reason and her pout puts Angelina Jolie’s pout to shame.

2. Mariah Carey: Mmmm mmm mmm! Can’t nobody fuck with Mariah! No one! Not even my #1 pick. Mariah is categorized as one of my favorite types of women: the Nasty Ass Broad. There is nothing better for a man to have than the knowledge that when he goes home, ANYTHING goes. Mariah was #1 on list when she was crazy; love how she showed the world how much of a bitch Carson Daily is. I love it! The ho-ish videos, the boob jobs. Man. I really can’t get enough. I think if I ever saw her in person on the street I’d probably scream like a bitch AND cry like one.

1. Vida Guerra: Numero Uno. Miss Guerra is a damn phenom. Thru the miracle of genetics, you can’t tell if she’s a white girl who’s built like a sista or a sista who is very fair. Funny thing is you’d be kinda right either way because she’s of Cuban descent. She doesn’t act, she doesn’t sing, she just models. She is the prototypical girl in the videos with the big juicy bootie. Yes, she is the stereotype mamas want to their daughters to stay away from. Yes, she is a one trick-pony and that pony is trife. Yes, she is not the smartest player on the team (still smarter than Carmen). But when all is said and done, Vida is the banginest chic out there. She has a bunch of elements that I’ve mentioned in the other women. Imma marry her ass one of these days…..(yeah right)


Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Oh HELL yeah.
Legs and more legs.
That damn "1 thing" video almost made me cry the first time I saw it. I swear I was sittin there with my mouth hangin open.

This was a great list.

Brother Kojak said...

Thanks, JoaT. You are a man after my own tastes. I had the same effect from Amerie's video that I did from janet jackson's "Pleasure Principle" back in the day.

Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Damn, talk about the same taste.
That's my favorite Janet video.
The hair.
The ass.
The knee pads.
The ass.

You're alright man.