Thursday, April 28, 2005

I Pinched A Nerve

No, my back is fine, but it seems that I got some of you a little warm about your derieres (sp?). I tell you what, here's how you know if you got a nice one: 1.) If you're walking down the street with a sista and some brothas walking behind you make a blanket comment about the 2 of you, you MIGHT have a little onion. 2.) If an older black man says to you on the street "Mmm mmm mmm. Do fries go with that shake?" You probably have some resemblance of an onion. 3.) If you've always wondered why more black men hit on you than white men, you probably got an onion. 4.) If you can only by jeans and capris in either the hood or the barrio (no Macy's, no Limited, no Wet Seal. Lane Bryant and The Answer do not count), then you DEFINITELY have an onion. Now, there is a difference between a big ass and a phat ass. Huge difference. A phat ass is an ass that is visually disproportionate and appealing in reference to a feasibly optimal waistline. So if you have big hips because you have a big waistline, thats not a phat ass. That's a big ass. Here's the physical test, take out a pair of your jeans....does the waist band taper or is it just about even with the hip line? If it tapers, ok, you might be a candidate. If not, well, that ain't an onion, that's a Dove Bar. **Oh I'm on a roll now!** Mayonaise. Any idea what that is? Yes, you put it on a sammich to add a creamy texture, but on the streets mayonaise is not a good thing. Mayonaise on the legs occurs when you have the combination of the dimples on the back of your thighs and when your skin is not contoured to the muscle i.e. when the fat on your ass and/or thighs is just there. The physical test? If you flex the back of your leg and can't feel the contour of your muscles without moving that fat-shit to the side, yeah...that's mayonaise. Now try this one; get in your draws next to a mirror. Profile so that you can see your ass in the mirror. Flex dat ass. Get on the balls of your feet and jump. You only need to do this a couple inches off the ground. Now...if you do this and your ass doesn't bounce, wow. Good for you. You must be an Olympic gymnist or have Buns of Steel. If it bounces once, you might have a phat ass. If it bounces more that once....chile, that ass is just big. No if's, and's or but's. (no pun intended) Last test; multiple asses. Read this carefully: YOU DO NOT HAVE A PHAT ASS IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE ASS! If you have a nice onion, its just round; maybe more girth on the lower peripheral that the upper. But if you have that slight indentation where the upper "deck" curves in and then curves out to a lower "deck", honey, that's a big ass. Again, YOU DO NOT HAVE A PHAT ASS IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE ASS! I can't comment on that enough. That's an instant elimination from contention. And while we are on the matter of butts, do me a favor. Follow the following rules for summer apparell. 1.) Don't wear midrifts if you have a stomach. I didnt say tummy, I mean stomach. When you have to bend over to see your toes. That's stomach. Leave them shits alone! Ain't nobody trying to see that!!! 2.) Below is a phat ass and how you should wear a thong.


See the triangular part? The base of it should be NOT be the size of a tri-ominoe (Triangular dominoe). So if that thong has a tendency to disappear in your crack, that might not be the move for you.

Let's get even realer here. I have a big ass. That shit is all over place so I can talk about other people's asses. Hey, I'm just looking out, n'yamean?


Zulu said...

My sister has the onion that you refer to and meets the criteria. I am going to ask her for a photo.

I only grew into my onion later in life so I haven't received as much attention.

r. said...

black and latino men love my phat ass... white men don't know what to do wit' it!!!

r. said...

the WM Mami will concede... heh

Brother Kojak said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Brother Kojak said...

Put your money where your mouths are;
email me with the pics. no face shots, just an anonymous onion that will have an alias assigned to it. And yes, a prize will be awarded. I'll set up a site after finals with a form to vote.