"Men are dogs!"
"Men ain't shit!"
"Men ain't good shit except one thing, and sometimes they ain't no good at that!"
"Pass the Haagen-Daz!"
These are sentences that we all have used or have heard from women. And hey, that's ok because some of us ain't about shit. However, I want to put it all into perspective as to why women keep getting beat in the head (figurately) by us menz.
Today I got off my fat ass and started running regiment. Afterwards, the Offspring and I went to the super market to get some bananas and pb&j. As I was walking in, I caught an exiting woman checking out my "package". I didn't catch her until late because when I made eye contact she was almost past me.
Now before I get blasted with comments from the Peanuthead Gallery (and you KNOW who you are!), Let me tell you how I was dressed.
grey Columbia Fleece pullover
red Under Armour mock underneath
black running tights
black shorts over tights
black running shoes
Now...not the most provocative attire, is it? I mean, I've been told women look all the time, but maybe its the power of the dizzat that gets you guys irritated and mad at us men. Yes? No? Somewhere there in the middle?
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Topics 1& 2: For The White Girls Only
Uh oh. Looks as though I may have stepped on some pink toes with this one. Before you read this, please keep in mind this is another one of my tasteless humor entries that was supposed to be funny. I thought it was funny, but as I was told earlier "...you come up like a big, black, mad racist." Au contrar (sp?);I just have some major issues when it comes to social ills. So please, read this with the usual smirk followed by a laugh while you think "What an asshole."
This post is a little overdue. My daily juggle has made it difficult to address, but for the sake of the White Women of America it is necessary. If you are not a white woman, you may want to go run and get that hot dog from 7-11, check out what Neckbone or Bowman has been talking about, or catch that Law & Order rerun on the USA network.
Ok...can we gather up front please? Let's all sit on the floor in the form of a circle with our legs folded Indian style, ok? And yes, there is warm hot chocolate on the table up here too. Oooh...oooh! Don't forget the marshmellows! They're on the table next to the carafe. They are just great, aren't they? Ok! Are we ready? Oh...we have a couple of straglers....down here girls! That's right....GREAT to have you! Ok! So lets have a talk amongst ourselves so that we can come to terms with ourselves and maybe even bond! Wouldn't that be great? Ok!
White Women of America, I'm not going to keep you long. I know you have JUST finished with Thanksgiving and having to clean the cranberry sauce that your neice smeared on your nice table cloth....the Christmas shopping that needs to be done, the charity drive at work. But White Women of America, I'm concerned. You and I have had a few empasses over the years that we should discuss.
Hey White Women of America, if I'm crossing the street and you are driving and slowing to a stop, can I get the same stopping distance that you would give your aunt or your grandmother? White Women of America, we both know I'm Black, we both know that Black men have a propencity to be nibble-a-foot, but White Women of America, I am equally afraid of large, rapidly moving vehicles. Can I get that White Women of America? Just because I'm Black doesn't mean that I am Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is's boyfriend. That is not your opportunity to initiate your vendetta on Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is. She and I probably don't even know each other! Do you understand that? Can I get that?
White Women of America, if I say "hi" to you in passing on the street, it doesn't mean I want to fuck you. Hey, I may just be in a good mood. White Women of America, please realize that the myths aren't really true. Not every Black man covets a White woman. That was a myth derived from the slavery age. You all are beautiful in your own unique ways, but in all honesty, (and I have to revert to slang) I got some good shit on lock. The "shit" I am referring to is what you can call...oh let's call it coochimus awesomeus. White Women of America, I would say at least half of the Black men who say "hi" to you on the street don't want to fuck you. You may just be in the way and that is their way of saying "excuse me" or "could you please get your narra ass outta the way?" Or, just like me, he may just want to say "hi". At the same time, a man is a man so there are some who want you; regardless of race. So if I see you on the street and say "hi", could you reply back please? You can keep your eyes forward, you can keep walking forward, but everyone from the President of the United States to the bum on the street deserves acknowledgement when they speak.
Is everyone still comfortable? Get comfie and don't worry...I'm almost done.
Ummmm....White Women of America (prticularly of the East Coast), it's almost wintertime. No matter how fashionable flip-flops were this summer, the Summer of 2005 is gone. Please stop wearing them. Your pink toes seem to look so tortured with the now Welcome To Canada, Eh? winds coming in. Please either box them up, or better yet just toss them. White Women of America, it's over. Move on please.
White Women of America, (and this is soooooo applicable to this time of year)if you see me in a store aisle and you need to get by, the best way to do that is to say "excuse me". The following actions do not work on me, White Women of America:
1.) Just standing there and waiting until I see you and decide to move out of
your way.
2.) Just standing there sighing increasingly louder and waiting until I see you
and decide to move out of your way.
3.) Standing there and gradually moving closer until you ASSUME that you are so
close that I have no other choice but to move out of the way.
Now, White Women of America, what happened to the wonderful manners your kintergarden teacher taught you? She taught you those for a reason and the same rules should apply in adult case scenarios as well.
Ok, I'm done! That wasn't that bad, was it? Hey, let's give everybody a big hand for listening and participating, ok? **clapping** C'mon! You can clap louder than that! That's it, that's it!
Alright! Let's have some more cocoa...
This post is a little overdue. My daily juggle has made it difficult to address, but for the sake of the White Women of America it is necessary. If you are not a white woman, you may want to go run and get that hot dog from 7-11, check out what Neckbone or Bowman has been talking about, or catch that Law & Order rerun on the USA network.
Ok...can we gather up front please? Let's all sit on the floor in the form of a circle with our legs folded Indian style, ok? And yes, there is warm hot chocolate on the table up here too. Oooh...oooh! Don't forget the marshmellows! They're on the table next to the carafe. They are just great, aren't they? Ok! Are we ready? Oh...we have a couple of straglers....down here girls! That's right....GREAT to have you! Ok! So lets have a talk amongst ourselves so that we can come to terms with ourselves and maybe even bond! Wouldn't that be great? Ok!
White Women of America, I'm not going to keep you long. I know you have JUST finished with Thanksgiving and having to clean the cranberry sauce that your neice smeared on your nice table cloth....the Christmas shopping that needs to be done, the charity drive at work. But White Women of America, I'm concerned. You and I have had a few empasses over the years that we should discuss.
Hey White Women of America, if I'm crossing the street and you are driving and slowing to a stop, can I get the same stopping distance that you would give your aunt or your grandmother? White Women of America, we both know I'm Black, we both know that Black men have a propencity to be nibble-a-foot, but White Women of America, I am equally afraid of large, rapidly moving vehicles. Can I get that White Women of America? Just because I'm Black doesn't mean that I am Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is's boyfriend. That is not your opportunity to initiate your vendetta on Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is. She and I probably don't even know each other! Do you understand that? Can I get that?
White Women of America, if I say "hi" to you in passing on the street, it doesn't mean I want to fuck you. Hey, I may just be in a good mood. White Women of America, please realize that the myths aren't really true. Not every Black man covets a White woman. That was a myth derived from the slavery age. You all are beautiful in your own unique ways, but in all honesty, (and I have to revert to slang) I got some good shit on lock. The "shit" I am referring to is what you can call...oh let's call it coochimus awesomeus. White Women of America, I would say at least half of the Black men who say "hi" to you on the street don't want to fuck you. You may just be in the way and that is their way of saying "excuse me" or "could you please get your narra ass outta the way?" Or, just like me, he may just want to say "hi". At the same time, a man is a man so there are some who want you; regardless of race. So if I see you on the street and say "hi", could you reply back please? You can keep your eyes forward, you can keep walking forward, but everyone from the President of the United States to the bum on the street deserves acknowledgement when they speak.
Is everyone still comfortable? Get comfie and don't worry...I'm almost done.
Ummmm....White Women of America (prticularly of the East Coast), it's almost wintertime. No matter how fashionable flip-flops were this summer, the Summer of 2005 is gone. Please stop wearing them. Your pink toes seem to look so tortured with the now Welcome To Canada, Eh? winds coming in. Please either box them up, or better yet just toss them. White Women of America, it's over. Move on please.
White Women of America, (and this is soooooo applicable to this time of year)if you see me in a store aisle and you need to get by, the best way to do that is to say "excuse me". The following actions do not work on me, White Women of America:
1.) Just standing there and waiting until I see you and decide to move out of
your way.
2.) Just standing there sighing increasingly louder and waiting until I see you
and decide to move out of your way.
3.) Standing there and gradually moving closer until you ASSUME that you are so
close that I have no other choice but to move out of the way.
Now, White Women of America, what happened to the wonderful manners your kintergarden teacher taught you? She taught you those for a reason and the same rules should apply in adult case scenarios as well.
Ok, I'm done! That wasn't that bad, was it? Hey, let's give everybody a big hand for listening and participating, ok? **clapping** C'mon! You can clap louder than that! That's it, that's it!
Alright! Let's have some more cocoa...
Monday, November 14, 2005
Experimental...(Jazz?)
409 Charles St. The An die Musik. That's the spot to go to for some jazz or small ensemble classical. Nice ambiance. Kinda Philadelphia-ish if you ask me. I decided to go there last Sat. to get me a little taste. I sat there, and the musicians made their entrances. There was a violinist, a trumpet player, a upright bassist, and a drummer. I was think "THIS...should be tight." The introduced themselves; the drummer placed the sticks over the snare, the trumpeter puckered his lips to the mouthpiece, the voilinist set the violin to his chin, the bass player took a deep breath and then......
Chaos.
pure.
unadulterated.
Chaos.
The bass player was doing his own shit, so was the the trumpeter, so was the violinist, and so was the drummer. I know a little about music and it seemed like the voilinist and trumpeter were trying to mock and or follow each. That's all well and good but the bass player and drummer were doing their own thing. Given all that, it was still entertaining. Not the music, but the reactions of the audience. There was this woman sitting in front of me; during the entire performance she was a nervous wreck. That was mostly due to the drummer's crazy and continous solos that included very loud rimshots and cymbol shots. It was great! She looked like a crack addict; everytime the drummer would hit a hard rimshot she would jump and she had this nervous twitch with her hand and ear. Oh MAN it was funny! When the band stood up, I think she left the room before they did.
Ok. I'm late on the draw with blogging. It'll only get worse for the next couple weeks. Finals are in 2 weeks. The dreamjobs I applied for....0 for 2. **sigh** Its all to the Good though. I have more option in the same industry.
Let me see, what else...I'm very content right now. For a variety of reasons. Life is good. I guess to give an example without going into too much detail is how 2 men told me in same day that I was a good man and appreciated. That felt good.
Happy Gobble Gobble!
Chaos.
pure.
unadulterated.
Chaos.
The bass player was doing his own shit, so was the the trumpeter, so was the violinist, and so was the drummer. I know a little about music and it seemed like the voilinist and trumpeter were trying to mock and or follow each. That's all well and good but the bass player and drummer were doing their own thing. Given all that, it was still entertaining. Not the music, but the reactions of the audience. There was this woman sitting in front of me; during the entire performance she was a nervous wreck. That was mostly due to the drummer's crazy and continous solos that included very loud rimshots and cymbol shots. It was great! She looked like a crack addict; everytime the drummer would hit a hard rimshot she would jump and she had this nervous twitch with her hand and ear. Oh MAN it was funny! When the band stood up, I think she left the room before they did.
Ok. I'm late on the draw with blogging. It'll only get worse for the next couple weeks. Finals are in 2 weeks. The dreamjobs I applied for....0 for 2. **sigh** Its all to the Good though. I have more option in the same industry.
Let me see, what else...I'm very content right now. For a variety of reasons. Life is good. I guess to give an example without going into too much detail is how 2 men told me in same day that I was a good man and appreciated. That felt good.
Happy Gobble Gobble!
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Topic 13: Indecent Proposals
This is the 3rd damn time I've tried to do this entry. Thats another reason why I havent posted in so long. UGH! So, to continue my bad blogger habits, I'm going to abbreviate what I was writing.
Way back when, I asked a woman what her fantasy was. She told me it was a 3some with 2 men. My response was "Wow. Can you handle that?"
"Sure," she said. "But they have to be there for me. I'm
the one that is supposed to be having the fantasy."
"So you are just gonna be there while they are all over your?" I asked.
"Basically" she replied.
"Hmmph!"
"Yeah. So....?" she asked.
"So what?"
"You..interested?"
"Huh? Me? No siiiir. Me no sword fight. We don't do THAT!"
"Nobody asked you to 'sword fight' as you call it. You just be there for me and please me while he pleases me."
" No siiiiir. What if his thing touch me?"
"Oh, stop being retarded. And what if it does? That's not going to make you instantly gay!"
"I don't know. It might do! No thanks. You are lovely, but uh....naw man."
A few weeks later...
ME: ...so I was like wtf??? This girl was on some ol' different shit.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Hmmm. What did YOU say?
ME: I told her I don't get down like that. But the main turn-off was that she wasn't going to do much besides lay there.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: So what if you had a woman who would be off the chain with hers?
ME: In a 3some?
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Yeah.
ME: Hmmm...I don't know. If she could "Bring the Noise, Bring The Funk", sure. Maybe. I think I would have to be highly intoxicated though.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Hehehehe. So what do you drink?
ME: Huh?
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: What do you drink? I mean, if we are hanging in the streets, AND you get a little tipsy, AND something jumps off, well, might as well call a friend, right?
ME: Sonya!!!! You get down like that too?!?!??!
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Not like everyday, but...you know. Every now and then you gotta shake the pot. If we kickin' it, why NOT call my man for a little twist on the fun?
ME: **mouth gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: I mean, she obviously knows something I don't, and I'm curious to know what she knows.
ME: **mouth still gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: And if she DOESN'T know, I'd like to beat her to the punch. You down?
ME: **mouth STILL gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Say something! You know what, forget it. You are stuck on some dumb shit like you a choir boy or something. BTW, close your mouth. I just saw a couple of flys buzzing around.
ME: **took me about 20 minutes to close my mouth**
Way back when, I asked a woman what her fantasy was. She told me it was a 3some with 2 men. My response was "Wow. Can you handle that?"
"Sure," she said. "But they have to be there for me. I'm
the one that is supposed to be having the fantasy."
"So you are just gonna be there while they are all over your?" I asked.
"Basically" she replied.
"Hmmph!"
"Yeah. So....?" she asked.
"So what?"
"You..interested?"
"Huh? Me? No siiiir. Me no sword fight. We don't do THAT!"
"Nobody asked you to 'sword fight' as you call it. You just be there for me and please me while he pleases me."
" No siiiiir. What if his thing touch me?"
"Oh, stop being retarded. And what if it does? That's not going to make you instantly gay!"
"I don't know. It might do! No thanks. You are lovely, but uh....naw man."
A few weeks later...
ME: ...so I was like wtf??? This girl was on some ol' different shit.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Hmmm. What did YOU say?
ME: I told her I don't get down like that. But the main turn-off was that she wasn't going to do much besides lay there.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: So what if you had a woman who would be off the chain with hers?
ME: In a 3some?
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Yeah.
ME: Hmmm...I don't know. If she could "Bring the Noise, Bring The Funk", sure. Maybe. I think I would have to be highly intoxicated though.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Hehehehe. So what do you drink?
ME: Huh?
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: What do you drink? I mean, if we are hanging in the streets, AND you get a little tipsy, AND something jumps off, well, might as well call a friend, right?
ME: Sonya!!!! You get down like that too?!?!??!
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Not like everyday, but...you know. Every now and then you gotta shake the pot. If we kickin' it, why NOT call my man for a little twist on the fun?
ME: **mouth gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: I mean, she obviously knows something I don't, and I'm curious to know what she knows.
ME: **mouth still gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: And if she DOESN'T know, I'd like to beat her to the punch. You down?
ME: **mouth STILL gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Say something! You know what, forget it. You are stuck on some dumb shit like you a choir boy or something. BTW, close your mouth. I just saw a couple of flys buzzing around.
ME: **took me about 20 minutes to close my mouth**
Friday, November 11, 2005
I'm Still Here
Chaos man. Chaos. School for a 30-Something'er will do that to you. This week I had a test I was busting my ass for. Next week I have a quiz and 2 projects so I'm only blogging today because I love you guys.
There will be no theme to this entry; just random shit off the cuff.
Wow I'm Touched: Yesterday I was talking to an aquiantance and she and I were catching up. Towards the end of the conversation, she told me she was proud of me. I asked her what for. Her response was that when she met me I was at a low point in life. No job, no stable place to stay, no car, and a smashed marriage. After the updates, she was impressed that I managed to turn my life around and am still moving forward.
Remember when you were a kid and you would get praised? You'd beam like a spotlight and show off all the missing teeth in your head. Yesterday was the same thing all over again for me.
Things I Want to Do After I Graduate: I want to get back to my music roots. When I was in a rap/breakin' group called the Classic 3. No, I don't plan on pulling out the cardboard and bustin' a move, but I want to get some compositon software and get at it. I'm also going to rekindle my affair with my girl Sheila**. My girl Bessy Lou has one foot in the grave, so I'm going to have to get a new bitch.***
What I"m Drooling Over: The 2006 Dodge Charger Daytona R/T.
This car just does it for me. I've yet to be able to save enough money for the REAL Dodge Charger, and I can't see myself financing a 40 year old vehicle. So, my dream is to get the Charger, and give it an old school paint job and look. Hopefully, I will be able to buy and post the entire project on here.
But don't hold your breath. I ain't!
**My EA-6 Washburn guitar.
***Bessy Lou was my sax for over 10 years.
There will be no theme to this entry; just random shit off the cuff.
Wow I'm Touched: Yesterday I was talking to an aquiantance and she and I were catching up. Towards the end of the conversation, she told me she was proud of me. I asked her what for. Her response was that when she met me I was at a low point in life. No job, no stable place to stay, no car, and a smashed marriage. After the updates, she was impressed that I managed to turn my life around and am still moving forward.
Remember when you were a kid and you would get praised? You'd beam like a spotlight and show off all the missing teeth in your head. Yesterday was the same thing all over again for me.
Things I Want to Do After I Graduate: I want to get back to my music roots. When I was in a rap/breakin' group called the Classic 3. No, I don't plan on pulling out the cardboard and bustin' a move, but I want to get some compositon software and get at it. I'm also going to rekindle my affair with my girl Sheila**. My girl Bessy Lou has one foot in the grave, so I'm going to have to get a new bitch.***
What I"m Drooling Over: The 2006 Dodge Charger Daytona R/T.
This car just does it for me. I've yet to be able to save enough money for the REAL Dodge Charger, and I can't see myself financing a 40 year old vehicle. So, my dream is to get the Charger, and give it an old school paint job and look. Hopefully, I will be able to buy and post the entire project on here.
But don't hold your breath. I ain't!
**My EA-6 Washburn guitar.
***Bessy Lou was my sax for over 10 years.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
TTTT
I want to post something but I am not done with my topics. Therefore, I will steal an idea from the local radio station and call it Tell The Truth Tuesday (TTTT). What I will do is temporarily allow anonymous entries until tomorrow. This Tues., let's do it ad hoc. This post will be Confessional. Everyone is "listening", but no one knows the identities. Ready? Go.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Is It Monday Yet?
I hope to GOD y'all had a better weekend than I did. Let me take that back...my weekend was good, but it definitely had its frustrating moments. My weekend was so “blogful” that I'm going to have to put them in topics and blog about them at some other time. Here we go:
White women. Talk to your fellow sisters. When you are in a crowded area and need to get by, the best gesture is to say “excuse me” or “pardon me”. Accepted Priviledge doesn't work on everyone.
White women. Talk to your fellow sisters. It is now Fall on the East Coast. The average temperature is 60 degrees. Let go of the flip flops. slide them off, put them in the back of the closet until next summer. Its just too cold for them shits. If you are wearing fuchia and cream, you pink toes don't match anyway.
Neighborhood gentrification is going to be one of the underlying root factors of the next American social upheaval.
Disappointing a friend has got to be one of the most painful emotional feelings next to death because that transmission of disappointment from one person to the other is as instantaneaous as a light switch.
women hate me once a month.
$600 can get you a“ 'Round the World” about 4 times over on the Block, but it can't even you a hand job from your wife.
My homophobia is diminishing. This weekend is the true test.
The topic of squirting has GOT to be the most bizarre way to begin a conversation.
I'm sexy as HELL! (Well, except for my MITTS, 40 year chic-like butt, tribal looking stretch marks, my black volley ball stomach...)
if you are a sexy sex symbol such as the Rock, never use the word “tummy”.
Women. Call us men what you want, but lipstick lesbians are a turn on.
Speaking of lesbianism, the good ol' 3some. That's one hard deal to sell, jack.
Speaking of 3somes, indecent proposals always throw me for a curve.
Ok, so y'all merinate on dat! I got a midterm and a presentation, but fret not. These topics will be covered.
Friday, October 21, 2005
HNT...Is the SHIT!!
I should be studying
I should be pondering the universe and self
No sir!
Today is Friday and it's slow. Yesterday was Thursday. Say no more!
Y'all have a great weekend.
I should be pondering the universe and self
No sir!
Today is Friday and it's slow. Yesterday was Thursday. Say no more!
Y'all have a great weekend.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Early Morning Convo with Offspring
I don't think I mentioned this, but I'm fasting for the Islamic holy month Ramadan. This means I can't eat or drink anything from sun up til sundown. What usually happens is that a Muslim will try and gorge him/herself at night until sunrise. I can't do that, so I've just been loosing all kinds of sleep. What I do is eat at sunset and then wake up about 4:30 and make me a PHAT breakfast. Wednesday morning the Offspring woke to join me for the feast. He seems to be fascinated by my childhood. I learned that my elementary school and his elementary school have the same mascot, the owl. Below is the craziest part of the convo.
Offspring: **laughing** You sounded like Toyman from that Superfriends video.
Me: You mean like your Uncle Toyman? (Glueman looked like the Superfriends cartoon character Toyman when he was trying on Under Armour)++
Offspring: **laughing** We watched that video the other day. It was weird watching that old cartoon with the commercials and stuff.
Me: Commercials? The video had commercials in it?
Offspring: No, but you told me about some of the commercials when you were a kid.
Me: Huh? Why did you just say....nevermind. Yeah, commercials were a lot different back then. They used to lie to us all the time. Like, GI Joe. Now, when you see a GI Joe commercial, the kids are playing with it and making all the sounds and what not. Back then, they would fake you out HARD, man! GI Joe would make all the cool sounds. Move without you touching him, talk. **In commercial voice** "GI Joe Super Duper ParaTrooper!! With real parachute!" Then you'd see all these GI Joe's falling out of the sky and all these kids in a backyard looking up saying "Look! GI Joe is falling from the sky! Yeaaaa!" It was messed up, man.
Offspring: What about that other commercial; with the cardinal?
Me: Oh the one where he was singing and flying like he was drunk? Man!
Offspring: **laughing and singing the song** Yeah. That one.
Me: Let me think if there are any more....do y'all have Smokey the Bear?
Offspring: Yeah. He is on commercials, posters at schoool, all that stuff.
Me: Hmmm! Some things just don't change. What's he look like now?
Offspring: He's big and built like this **flexing muscles**. He carries around a shovel. One commercial he went to a camper's fire and poured water over the fire. The campers were like **making surprise face**
Me: **laughing** Man, when I was a kid, Smokey the Bear was a straight punk. He would always be in the commercials saying "Please. Don't start forest fires." And then start crying.
Fire all over the place and he crying. Its a shame I tell you!
Offspring: **laughing** Don't just stand there crying, DO SOMETHING!
Me: Exactly!
**both laughing**
++ IN the Toyman link, Toyman is the one with the freaky black and gold costume.
Offspring: **laughing** You sounded like Toyman from that Superfriends video.
Me: You mean like your Uncle Toyman? (Glueman looked like the Superfriends cartoon character Toyman when he was trying on Under Armour)++
Offspring: **laughing** We watched that video the other day. It was weird watching that old cartoon with the commercials and stuff.
Me: Commercials? The video had commercials in it?
Offspring: No, but you told me about some of the commercials when you were a kid.
Me: Huh? Why did you just say....nevermind. Yeah, commercials were a lot different back then. They used to lie to us all the time. Like, GI Joe. Now, when you see a GI Joe commercial, the kids are playing with it and making all the sounds and what not. Back then, they would fake you out HARD, man! GI Joe would make all the cool sounds. Move without you touching him, talk. **In commercial voice** "GI Joe Super Duper ParaTrooper!! With real parachute!" Then you'd see all these GI Joe's falling out of the sky and all these kids in a backyard looking up saying "Look! GI Joe is falling from the sky! Yeaaaa!" It was messed up, man.
Offspring: What about that other commercial; with the cardinal?
Me: Oh the one where he was singing and flying like he was drunk? Man!
Offspring: **laughing and singing the song** Yeah. That one.
Me: Let me think if there are any more....do y'all have Smokey the Bear?
Offspring: Yeah. He is on commercials, posters at schoool, all that stuff.
Me: Hmmm! Some things just don't change. What's he look like now?
Offspring: He's big and built like this **flexing muscles**. He carries around a shovel. One commercial he went to a camper's fire and poured water over the fire. The campers were like **making surprise face**
Me: **laughing** Man, when I was a kid, Smokey the Bear was a straight punk. He would always be in the commercials saying "Please. Don't start forest fires." And then start crying.
Fire all over the place and he crying. Its a shame I tell you!
Offspring: **laughing** Don't just stand there crying, DO SOMETHING!
Me: Exactly!
**both laughing**
++ IN the Toyman link, Toyman is the one with the freaky black and gold costume.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Adventures in Homophobia
In the Brother Kojak News....
This baseball thing seems to be picking up steam. Things are happening in the positive direction and its very exciting. I observe that one of my shortcomings is my belief in people based on race. It amazes me that I, a black man, and the leader of white men. One top of that, so far I'm the only brother on the team. Even MORE amazing than that, I'm the only one that thinks its a big deal. I share this thought with others and the reaction is "Oh. I guess you're right." That tells me a couple things; our society has come further than I think or I'm more of a natural leader (in general) than I thought.
One of my weaknesses is what our society calls homophobia. I am not afraid of homosexuals, it just freaks me out to see a man all up on a man or a man happily dressed like a woman. Wow. I'll never understand that. Women....are the bomb. Especially when they...
Mmm. Anyway, my cousin is having a costume party and when she told me some of her gay couple friends would be there, I double-taked. Immediately, I thought of who would go with me to run interference given that Mrs. Kojak would be working. Hmmm....
Candidates?
**crickets chirping in the background.**
I ask my friend Renaissance to come with me as Mrs. T (the party theme is the 80's and Mr. and Mrs. T was a classic Saturday Night Live spoof). No dice, lesbians either love her or hate so that no need in anybody getting their ass kicked.
I told CrazyHair about the party, and she and some of her crew are with it. Huge sigh of relief. Proof of my "homophobia" is this IM chat with my man Zoph!.
This baseball thing seems to be picking up steam. Things are happening in the positive direction and its very exciting. I observe that one of my shortcomings is my belief in people based on race. It amazes me that I, a black man, and the leader of white men. One top of that, so far I'm the only brother on the team. Even MORE amazing than that, I'm the only one that thinks its a big deal. I share this thought with others and the reaction is "Oh. I guess you're right." That tells me a couple things; our society has come further than I think or I'm more of a natural leader (in general) than I thought.
One of my weaknesses is what our society calls homophobia. I am not afraid of homosexuals, it just freaks me out to see a man all up on a man or a man happily dressed like a woman. Wow. I'll never understand that. Women....are the bomb. Especially when they...
Mmm. Anyway, my cousin is having a costume party and when she told me some of her gay couple friends would be there, I double-taked. Immediately, I thought of who would go with me to run interference given that Mrs. Kojak would be working. Hmmm....
Candidates?
**crickets chirping in the background.**
I ask my friend Renaissance to come with me as Mrs. T (the party theme is the 80's and Mr. and Mrs. T was a classic Saturday Night Live spoof). No dice, lesbians either love her or hate so that no need in anybody getting their ass kicked.
I told CrazyHair about the party, and she and some of her crew are with it. Huge sigh of relief. Proof of my "homophobia" is this IM chat with my man Zoph!.
Conversation with whereiszoph
brotherkojak: you are totally GONE!
brotherkojak: I have a question for you
Zoph!: geez... everybody is messaging me all at once
Zoph!: gone?
brotherkojak: smitten
brotherkojak: oh! I was about to say!
brotherkojak: everything alright up there?
Zoph!: yeah... a little hectic
Zoph!: trying to get back into homework and all that
Zoph!: books coming a little late
Zoph!: still need one
Zoph!: oddly enough... the cheapest one
brotherkojak: damn that sucks
Zoph!: I guess....
Zoph!: need to get more sleep this weekend than last
brotherkojak: lol. u party?
Zoph!: unfortunately, not yet
Zoph!: they're still doing odds and ends around the apartment... that's a pain... the one manager is really pissed at the other one for taking so long
brotherkojak: not yet...sounds like u gonna have 2 wait homeboy
Zoph!: 3 Halloween parties coming up at the end of the month
brotherkojak: KOOL
brotherkojak: i have 1 to go to, but my cousin is throwing it and she just happens to be gay.
Zoph!: should be.... interesting
brotherkojak: man please
Zoph!: gay guys are good guys though... I know 2
Zoph!: music education and architect
brotherkojak: this 1 couple (2 dudes) are coming as Peaches And Herb
brotherkojak: (old school..look it up)
Zoph!: mmmm yeah... before my time
brotherkojak: lol
Zoph!: which one is going to be peaches?
brotherkojak: shit! who cares!
brotherkojak: its 2 dudes!!!
brotherkojak: if I go, I'm going as Mr.T.
Zoph!: I was thinking about doing that for 'ween as a joke
brotherkojak: you should do it!
Zoph!: that or Jack the Pumpkin King from The Nightmare Before Christmas
brotherkojak: i missed that one
Zoph!: I need to find lots of gaudy rings and jewelry though.... if I'm going to be Mr. T
Zoph!: the mohawk is easy
brotherkojak: ditto
brotherkojak: lol....I have to be creative with my mohawk
Zoph!: you'll be the rastafarian Mr. T
brotherkojak: LOL!! right right
brotherkojak: "I pity the fool!...mon"
Zoph!: ha
brotherkojak: gotta go. I'll see you at the Million Man Movement
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
I Have Not!....Abandoned...
My blog. School is kicking my ass. Wife is kicking my ass. Pain is kicking my ass. Doesnt matter, I dont really have anything cool to blog about. I did the silliest thing the past 2 weekends; I did back to back trips to VA Beach. Duh! It ain't THAT poppin' down there. The 2 trips were for 2 different occasions. Glueman and I went down there to get away and act retarded, which we did. Me and Mrs. Kojak went down there to iron some things out and for her to attend a conference.
I also haven't read any blogs either. I think because I'm at a point in my new job where they are testing me to see what else I'm capable of. Right now, I have to write a documentation specified for the University of installing a Blackberry. And yes, that is due. Thursday. Terrific.
OH! Also my ass was to the fire the other day. I have aspirations for this one particular type of job and job announcements are privy to only a select few. Well, I got one and luckily I let Glueman in on the deal what was up because he read it and said "Oh shit! Do you realize that this is due in 2 days??" Hmmm...2 days to have this thing mailed. Hmmmm. Well, there's always FedEx, right?
Yeah, right. I called them and to get the application packet from B-more to DC by close of business would cost me $52 for the 1st 15 miles and $2 for every mile there after:
MATH CLASS TIME!!
15 miles = $52 dollars **constant**
42 miles to DC from B-more, 84 miles roundtrip
84 miles - 15miles = 69 miles
69 miles * 2 damn dollars/mile = 138 damn dollars
therefore...
138 damn dollars + **constant**
= 138 damn dollars + $52 = 190 damn dollars (plus tax)
*Note: damn dollars > dollars
So I really wasn't rolling like that, so I had to take it to the streets.
**I pick up the phone and dial**
BastanteRojo: Hello
Me: What up, dog?
BastanteRojo: Oh shit. What the fuck YOU want?
Me: Damn man. Why it gotta be all that?
BastanteRojo: You know don't nobody trust you. What you plotting?
Me: Man, I'm just tryin' to get a favor from a brotha.
BastanteRojo: Greeeat! How many of my offspring is it gonna cost me?
Me: See? There YOU go! Talkin' all that shit. You gonna help me out? I mean, I need your help for real for real.
BastanteRojo: Aight. Where is this place.
Me: Just in DC.
BastanteRojo: Ahhh! Ok. Is this a legitimate address? This ain't meeting Pookie in the alley or no shit like that is it?
Me: MAN!!!
So, after a lot of cajoling, BastanteRojo hooked me up and dropped the joint off for me. Good looking out!!
There is an old saying that my grandfather used to say when he wasn't scolding me, "anything worth having ain't worth nothing if somebody gave it to you."
Peace out.
BK
I also haven't read any blogs either. I think because I'm at a point in my new job where they are testing me to see what else I'm capable of. Right now, I have to write a documentation specified for the University of installing a Blackberry. And yes, that is due. Thursday. Terrific.
OH! Also my ass was to the fire the other day. I have aspirations for this one particular type of job and job announcements are privy to only a select few. Well, I got one and luckily I let Glueman in on the deal what was up because he read it and said "Oh shit! Do you realize that this is due in 2 days??" Hmmm...2 days to have this thing mailed. Hmmmm. Well, there's always FedEx, right?
Yeah, right. I called them and to get the application packet from B-more to DC by close of business would cost me $52 for the 1st 15 miles and $2 for every mile there after:
MATH CLASS TIME!!
15 miles = $52 dollars **constant**
42 miles to DC from B-more, 84 miles roundtrip
84 miles - 15miles = 69 miles
69 miles * 2 damn dollars/mile = 138 damn dollars
therefore...
138 damn dollars + **constant**
= 138 damn dollars + $52 = 190 damn dollars (plus tax)
*Note: damn dollars > dollars
So I really wasn't rolling like that, so I had to take it to the streets.
**I pick up the phone and dial**
BastanteRojo: Hello
Me: What up, dog?
BastanteRojo: Oh shit. What the fuck YOU want?
Me: Damn man. Why it gotta be all that?
BastanteRojo: You know don't nobody trust you. What you plotting?
Me: Man, I'm just tryin' to get a favor from a brotha.
BastanteRojo: Greeeat! How many of my offspring is it gonna cost me?
Me: See? There YOU go! Talkin' all that shit. You gonna help me out? I mean, I need your help for real for real.
BastanteRojo: Aight. Where is this place.
Me: Just in DC.
BastanteRojo: Ahhh! Ok. Is this a legitimate address? This ain't meeting Pookie in the alley or no shit like that is it?
Me: MAN!!!
So, after a lot of cajoling, BastanteRojo hooked me up and dropped the joint off for me. Good looking out!!
There is an old saying that my grandfather used to say when he wasn't scolding me, "anything worth having ain't worth nothing if somebody gave it to you."
Peace out.
BK
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Today I.....
Today I...
Brother Kojak
Today I laughed...
at the ridiculousness of posturing.
why posture when you are posturing for things that matter
only in the minds of a few?
why posture over a dream that is not yours but a dream of many?
Laughter
Today I faltered...
as I've grow older
indecision becomes less acceptable
ironically enough
I accept it even less from others.
Hesitation
Today I cried...
as I realized where I've come from
what I've been through
and where I am.
I've been blessed and I'm happy to say so
Tears.
Today I reflected...
with the opinion of my friend
who in her own way is an insider looking out
at a world that is mine but will never be hers
Reflection
Today I anguished...
over the youth who I've been there for
and who've been there for me.
their pictures have planted a burning image in my soul
their youthful faces
their laughter
their ravenous appetites for everything!
all masking the chaos of their daily worlds
temporarily shielded by the services
and the environment I helped provide.
I miss you guys.
Anguish
and yet tomorrow
I will be...again.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
School Sucks
Or maybe its just my schedule. I have 2 classes back to back in the same room from 5:30 to 10:30. Wed. I have class from 5:30-8:30 in the same room. Sucks. its very tiring given that I go to workout early in the morning, work, then have school. On the 3 days I dont have a formal workout, I have baseball practice. This week I guess my body was like "hell no!" because I missed the workout 2 days in a row. But I dont feel anywhere near as tired which is good too because I have a test on Wed. I dont have much to blog, just blogging in case you guys missed me. Soon I will have a guest blogger. My man Zoph from the Illadelph will be writing to describe his summer experience with yours truly. This should be rich.
What else is going on? That's about it. I'm so glad to hear that my Texan friends are ok after Rita's rolled thru. Unfortunately, it seems she kicked New Orleans in the teeth. From the little bit of engineering background I have, I think they may have to start from scratch for at least SOME of the areas down there. Its evident that the initial civil engineering was unproductively creative at best. Civil engineering technology nowadays is way past some big ass levees. Its time to implememt.
You wanna talk about selfish? Man, all those southern evacuees and you know what my biggest worry has been this weekend? Activating my new phone. Its a Samsung Palm phone, and from all the headaches I've initially had from it, its gonna be worth its weight in gold. First I get it, and couldn't download the drivers to it. That means no syncing Outlook. Tried that on 2 computers. No dice. Ok, then I decide to walk to the Sprint store and have them transfer my numbers and change my phone number to a local area code. No dice. They couldnt do the number change because its a palm phone. They couldn't do the phone number change because Sprint no longer allows stores to do number changes. 20 minutes in line for nothing. Then today, I try and change my phone number, did so sucessfully, but too bad I was on the middle of a highway so I couldnt follow thru. I tried changing the number according to the customer rep's instructions, no dice. So I call the help line. 45 minutes on holdwith no operator. I go study with my girl CrazyHair and while I wanted to kick the shit out of her yelping, over-priced puppy, I called Sprint again only to get a customer rep. who gave me another Sprint number. THAT number was the number to Sprint technical services....FOR SPRINT EMPLOYEES. How the FUCK am I supposed to get service from the employee service line when I ain't no damn employee??? Stupid ass.
So finally I get a service rep who knows what the hell he is doing. Now I have to figure out how to get these drivers to work for the PDA. Damn, you'd never know that I did this shit for a living....
What else is going on? That's about it. I'm so glad to hear that my Texan friends are ok after Rita's rolled thru. Unfortunately, it seems she kicked New Orleans in the teeth. From the little bit of engineering background I have, I think they may have to start from scratch for at least SOME of the areas down there. Its evident that the initial civil engineering was unproductively creative at best. Civil engineering technology nowadays is way past some big ass levees. Its time to implememt.
You wanna talk about selfish? Man, all those southern evacuees and you know what my biggest worry has been this weekend? Activating my new phone. Its a Samsung Palm phone, and from all the headaches I've initially had from it, its gonna be worth its weight in gold. First I get it, and couldn't download the drivers to it. That means no syncing Outlook. Tried that on 2 computers. No dice. Ok, then I decide to walk to the Sprint store and have them transfer my numbers and change my phone number to a local area code. No dice. They couldnt do the number change because its a palm phone. They couldn't do the phone number change because Sprint no longer allows stores to do number changes. 20 minutes in line for nothing. Then today, I try and change my phone number, did so sucessfully, but too bad I was on the middle of a highway so I couldnt follow thru. I tried changing the number according to the customer rep's instructions, no dice. So I call the help line. 45 minutes on holdwith no operator. I go study with my girl CrazyHair and while I wanted to kick the shit out of her yelping, over-priced puppy, I called Sprint again only to get a customer rep. who gave me another Sprint number. THAT number was the number to Sprint technical services....FOR SPRINT EMPLOYEES. How the FUCK am I supposed to get service from the employee service line when I ain't no damn employee??? Stupid ass.
So finally I get a service rep who knows what the hell he is doing. Now I have to figure out how to get these drivers to work for the PDA. Damn, you'd never know that I did this shit for a living....
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
As The Mind Wanders
As I am writing this, I’m struggling to stay awake in my 1st class of the evening. Man…I was trying to eat well today, but I think I over did it. Especially given what I did. I joined the gym’s Boot Camp. 3 days a week, ½ an hour each day of ballbusting hell. All I ate all day was a protein bar with coffee, tuna fish sub and a pretzel. Not a whole lot of fuel when you are tired. The class is worth it though. We do strength-training, agility, and power which is just a little different from the strength training. We have a really diverse class too; a dean, a couple of administrators, and me, jonny low-on-the-totem-pole. Won’t go thru all the different excercises but I tell you one of my weird habits. I wear the tight running tops. Not because I’m cut like that. Not even close. I wear them to remind myself of how shitty a physique I have so I can work harder. When you are down on the floor and in push-up position and you look in the mirror and see that gut damn near touching the ground, you get that extra push-up going.
My new mistress, Fall Ball is going great (to me at least). Damn, I don’t remember if I mentioned that. I’ve got a couple of guys together to play baseball at school. Yesterday was our 1st practice. We weren’t even on a baseball field, but we have batting practice (BP) and a little fielding practice. I pitched BP. Damn if felt good. Adult sports in a team environment. No kids. No girlfriends. I almost got a “no chic around” hard on. We men get those from events like this; watching wrestling matches with the fellas, card night (farts included), weight-lifting in full sweat and so on. Friday is the next practice with Happy Hour to follow. I get siced! I may have picks for a select few of y’all. Some of you already know the link. I should have it updated tomorrow.
The catch phrase is “Don’t you agree with me here?”
My new mistress, Fall Ball is going great (to me at least). Damn, I don’t remember if I mentioned that. I’ve got a couple of guys together to play baseball at school. Yesterday was our 1st practice. We weren’t even on a baseball field, but we have batting practice (BP) and a little fielding practice. I pitched BP. Damn if felt good. Adult sports in a team environment. No kids. No girlfriends. I almost got a “no chic around” hard on. We men get those from events like this; watching wrestling matches with the fellas, card night (farts included), weight-lifting in full sweat and so on. Friday is the next practice with Happy Hour to follow. I get siced! I may have picks for a select few of y’all. Some of you already know the link. I should have it updated tomorrow.
The catch phrase is “Don’t you agree with me here?”
Jumping the Broom
I know, I know....white people don't jump the broom, BUT THAT'S WHAT WE CALL IT DAMNIT!!!
**tapping MGD bottle** Attention, attention. I have an announcement. Congratulations are in order and shit for Zulu and her new manz and dem. They are scheduled to jump the broom at the broom's earliest convenience. Congratulations y'all. May your lives together DEFINITELY NOT turn out to be the living hell mine did.
Just kidding, just kidding. Just don't have any kids, man. I don't think the world can handle SP and Zulu offsprings.
Please show them some love on her site.
**tapping MGD bottle** Attention, attention. I have an announcement. Congratulations are in order and shit for Zulu and her new manz and dem. They are scheduled to jump the broom at the broom's earliest convenience. Congratulations y'all. May your lives together DEFINITELY NOT turn out to be the living hell mine did.
Just kidding, just kidding. Just don't have any kids, man. I don't think the world can handle SP and Zulu offsprings.
Please show them some love on her site.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Catch Phrase
Ever had a professor that had a catch phrase? Let me make sure I'm explaining this right. When we as people speak, most of us insert a sound or a word to help link sentence. The most popular is "uh". (And damn is THAT annoying!) Some people speak in thoughts per say and need entire sentences (usually questions) to tie sentences. Some of my Philly peeps would say "n'Yamean-man?". Boricua Smurf would say "ju know wha'...?". I once had a professor, my favorite of all times, Dr. Wang who would say in a think Chinese accent "Makes sense to you?" but sounded more like "Make cent to you?" It was great! Through the boredom of learning Oracle programming, that was closest to comic relief. Well, except for when I accidently walked into the woman's bathroom on that same floor; but that's a different story.
The new catch phrase is from my TCP/IP professor who says in his Middle Eastern accent "Do you agree with me here?" when in actuality on the first day of class, this one kat DID NOT agree with him.
Professor: When a packet is delivered, what remains constant and what remains the same?
Dude: The IP address changes.
Professor: No, the IP address stays the same! It is the MAC address that changes between routers.
Dude: That's not possible. The MAC address is on the computer. The IP address can always change.
Professor: It could but it does not. The packet must move through the network so the MAC address changes between routers and IP address does not change, do you agree with me here?
Dude: no I don't!
That was some funny shit, man. Do you agree with me, here?
The new catch phrase is from my TCP/IP professor who says in his Middle Eastern accent "Do you agree with me here?" when in actuality on the first day of class, this one kat DID NOT agree with him.
Professor: When a packet is delivered, what remains constant and what remains the same?
Dude: The IP address changes.
Professor: No, the IP address stays the same! It is the MAC address that changes between routers.
Dude: That's not possible. The MAC address is on the computer. The IP address can always change.
Professor: It could but it does not. The packet must move through the network so the MAC address changes between routers and IP address does not change, do you agree with me here?
Dude: no I don't!
That was some funny shit, man. Do you agree with me, here?
Thursday, September 08, 2005
I'm Swole Up
For those of you who know me, you will know that I'm a bit conceited so the last thing I need is a compliment. Welllllllllllllllllllll, I got a great one yesterday. I was in the Big Kahuna's office explaining how a the laptop needed this and that to the office manager and the admin when out of the blue the office manager says "I'm sorry to intterrupt, but did you ever act or model? You are a truly beautiful man! With those eyes and such straight teeth. My goodness!"
Shhhhhh. Hear that? That's the sound of my head inflating like a hot air balloon.
Shhhhhh. Hear that? That's the sound of my head inflating like a hot air balloon.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Advocacy
What are you an advocate of? The homeless? Animal Rights? The re-release of Beavis and Butthead? And even more interesting than that, what do you think I advocate?
I can tell you what I definitely don't advocate: the handicapped. Why? Because they get all the good shit; nice parking spaces, the big ass toilet stall. They need that stuff because society can be very negligent of people who are not among the "normal". However, sometimes they take it a little too far. Like the story I heard over the radio about the guy trying to take a dump in the handicap stall and was harrassed by a guy outside of the stall in a wheelchair EVEN THOUGH there was another handicap stall available. Or like today when I was on the phone and walking out of the building. This disabled woman (she used the crutches with the arm slots) was sitting just outside the doors smoking a cigarette. I opened the doors and walked out. After taking about 2 steps I hear her yell "hey!" I turned around and she says "That was my crutch you knocked over." Apparently the crutch was keeping the door open so she wouldnt be locked out and I tipped it over inside the building. "Oops. I'll go get that for you." So I walk back thru the building and get her crutch. Ok, here's my thing; you are already handicapped so why are your gonna do something that's gonna fuck your body up even more? And how the fuck was I supposed to know that you cropped the door open with your crutch? She wasn't pissed or anything but she was still like "can't you see I'm trying to get my smoke on?" It was crazy. I should have said "oh yeah? Will gimmie that other damn crutch!" And through that shit in the street.
heheehhe...that's fucked up. I can see her now yelling at me now "That's aight, that's aight. I can't get you, but SOMEBODY will! You black long-haired bastard!"
Oh MAN! Wheew! Ok, I'm going to the store to get my gasoline-line draws for my express trip to Hell. See y'all later.
I can tell you what I definitely don't advocate: the handicapped. Why? Because they get all the good shit; nice parking spaces, the big ass toilet stall. They need that stuff because society can be very negligent of people who are not among the "normal". However, sometimes they take it a little too far. Like the story I heard over the radio about the guy trying to take a dump in the handicap stall and was harrassed by a guy outside of the stall in a wheelchair EVEN THOUGH there was another handicap stall available. Or like today when I was on the phone and walking out of the building. This disabled woman (she used the crutches with the arm slots) was sitting just outside the doors smoking a cigarette. I opened the doors and walked out. After taking about 2 steps I hear her yell "hey!" I turned around and she says "That was my crutch you knocked over." Apparently the crutch was keeping the door open so she wouldnt be locked out and I tipped it over inside the building. "Oops. I'll go get that for you." So I walk back thru the building and get her crutch. Ok, here's my thing; you are already handicapped so why are your gonna do something that's gonna fuck your body up even more? And how the fuck was I supposed to know that you cropped the door open with your crutch? She wasn't pissed or anything but she was still like "can't you see I'm trying to get my smoke on?" It was crazy. I should have said "oh yeah? Will gimmie that other damn crutch!" And through that shit in the street.
heheehhe...that's fucked up. I can see her now yelling at me now "That's aight, that's aight. I can't get you, but SOMEBODY will! You black long-haired bastard!"
Oh MAN! Wheew! Ok, I'm going to the store to get my gasoline-line draws for my express trip to Hell. See y'all later.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Hassan CHOP!
Do y'all remember when I was trying to get my machete sharpened I scared all the little latino children? Well, I STILL haven't gotten my shit tightened up. Glueman's father-in-law was to sharpen it, but he stormed off of the golf course and went home sans machete. Oh snap! I GOTTA tell y'all about that:
Glueman and A-Train (Glueman's trainer) were on the golf course and invited FIL (father-in-law) along. Like all golf courses, there are usually 2 places to tee off. This 1st hole had 3; one for the good hitters, one for scrubs, and one for old men and ladies. A-Train teed off where the pros did, and Glueman at the scrub spot. FIL decided to go pro even though he hadn't played in years. A-Train hits his ball. Then Glueman. On FIL's turn, takes his swing and whiffs it. 2nd attempt. Whiff dois. The course marshall sees this and says "Sir, you might want to move up to a different tee because of your skill-level."
"My skill-level, huh? Alright." he responded. On the way to his ball he grumbled the entire time to Glueman. When he got to the ball, he hit it again, a little better than the first, but still shitty. Another marshall came by and offered some asssistance. " Sir, would you like a ride up the hill to your ball?" FIL's response?
"Fuck you, fuck this course, and fuck this game." Picked his shit up and walked away. Keep in mind this is a 74 year old man who is sem-handicapped. He walked the 2 miles to Glueman's house and went home.
Hehehe...that's too funny, but back to my machete. FIL was supposed to sharpen it, but because of the golf fiasco, I doubt he did. I need it because I use the machete to chop overgrowth and ward off stray dogs. Yes, stray dogs. We have a stray dog problem in the neighborhood and when I see one, my shit needs to be ready on my hip, son-son! Yesterday was the first day that I cut the lawn without it in a few years. Luckliy there were no stray dogs, but there was plenty of overgrowth. I had to get the 2 hand cutters to cut shit down. That's just no fun. I get that feeling of the ancestors when I'm choppin', or I can pretend to be a maniacal Rastafarian. "Bloodfire!! I and I a chop yurass!!" Hey, it makes work fun. So I had to get the cutters, snap the branches and move them away. With the machete I could have just kept chopping until the shit was dust. So yesterday's yardwork was some shit, I quit after about 45 minutes and did like FIL "Fuck you, fuck this yard, and fuck yardwork."
Glueman and A-Train (Glueman's trainer) were on the golf course and invited FIL (father-in-law) along. Like all golf courses, there are usually 2 places to tee off. This 1st hole had 3; one for the good hitters, one for scrubs, and one for old men and ladies. A-Train teed off where the pros did, and Glueman at the scrub spot. FIL decided to go pro even though he hadn't played in years. A-Train hits his ball. Then Glueman. On FIL's turn, takes his swing and whiffs it. 2nd attempt. Whiff dois. The course marshall sees this and says "Sir, you might want to move up to a different tee because of your skill-level."
"My skill-level, huh? Alright." he responded. On the way to his ball he grumbled the entire time to Glueman. When he got to the ball, he hit it again, a little better than the first, but still shitty. Another marshall came by and offered some asssistance. " Sir, would you like a ride up the hill to your ball?" FIL's response?
"Fuck you, fuck this course, and fuck this game." Picked his shit up and walked away. Keep in mind this is a 74 year old man who is sem-handicapped. He walked the 2 miles to Glueman's house and went home.
Hehehe...that's too funny, but back to my machete. FIL was supposed to sharpen it, but because of the golf fiasco, I doubt he did. I need it because I use the machete to chop overgrowth and ward off stray dogs. Yes, stray dogs. We have a stray dog problem in the neighborhood and when I see one, my shit needs to be ready on my hip, son-son! Yesterday was the first day that I cut the lawn without it in a few years. Luckliy there were no stray dogs, but there was plenty of overgrowth. I had to get the 2 hand cutters to cut shit down. That's just no fun. I get that feeling of the ancestors when I'm choppin', or I can pretend to be a maniacal Rastafarian. "Bloodfire!! I and I a chop yurass!!" Hey, it makes work fun. So I had to get the cutters, snap the branches and move them away. With the machete I could have just kept chopping until the shit was dust. So yesterday's yardwork was some shit, I quit after about 45 minutes and did like FIL "Fuck you, fuck this yard, and fuck yardwork."
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Now THAT'S A Carry
What's a carry? That's when you accidently or purposeful embarrass someone verbally or physically (All so referred to as "jonin" in the African-American East Coast disaspora). Evidently, I have a tattoo on my head that says "please, jone on me at will". 3 times this week I've gotten my chest busted open from getting carried. Here are the incidents:
Scene: Glueman's home office listening to Eric Roberson
Glueman: Damn. That boy is a bad mutha fucka.
Me: Yea. He tight. **deep breath** Yup! taught him everything I know.
Glueman: Hmph! I bet that shit ain't take long....
Scene: Whole family walking in driveway on the way out
Ms. Kojak: Fag!
Me: Your muva.
Ms. Kojak: Shit! YOUR mutha! She the one with all the gay girlfriends. How gay is THAT?
Me: Shiiiiiit! The jury still out on your muva.
Ms. Kojak: Hmph! My mother LOVES men. You know that.
Me: Yea, is any of them got another name besides Jesus? (Jesus, not Jesus as in Hay-sus)
Ms. Kojak: SHUT UP, KOJAK!!
Me: Hehehehe...alright. By the way, don't let me forget that I need to get some dog food.
Ms. Kojak: ok, but what are the rest of us gonna eat?
Scene: kitchen during breakfast
Me: I'm curious as to how this thing (sports) is gonna work out.
Ms. Kojak: I am too. Good luck.
Me: Man, if I can pull this off I'll be the man.
Ms. Kojak: Oh baby, you ARE the man.
Me: Thank you, baby!
Offspring: hey dad....
Me: Yes?
Offspring: Boooooooooooo!
Hmmm. That's love for you. If that's what you wanna call it.
Scene: Glueman's home office listening to Eric Roberson
Glueman: Damn. That boy is a bad mutha fucka.
Me: Yea. He tight. **deep breath** Yup! taught him everything I know.
Glueman: Hmph! I bet that shit ain't take long....
Scene: Whole family walking in driveway on the way out
Ms. Kojak: Fag!
Me: Your muva.
Ms. Kojak: Shit! YOUR mutha! She the one with all the gay girlfriends. How gay is THAT?
Me: Shiiiiiit! The jury still out on your muva.
Ms. Kojak: Hmph! My mother LOVES men. You know that.
Me: Yea, is any of them got another name besides Jesus? (Jesus, not Jesus as in Hay-sus)
Ms. Kojak: SHUT UP, KOJAK!!
Me: Hehehehe...alright. By the way, don't let me forget that I need to get some dog food.
Ms. Kojak: ok, but what are the rest of us gonna eat?
Scene: kitchen during breakfast
Me: I'm curious as to how this thing (sports) is gonna work out.
Ms. Kojak: I am too. Good luck.
Me: Man, if I can pull this off I'll be the man.
Ms. Kojak: Oh baby, you ARE the man.
Me: Thank you, baby!
Offspring: hey dad....
Me: Yes?
Offspring: Boooooooooooo!
Hmmm. That's love for you. If that's what you wanna call it.
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