Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Nite Out At Appleby's

One thing we all remember about the Smurfs was how much they loved hanging out together. The same holds true for the Ghetto Smurfs. They get together and drink 40's, smoke dat herb, play dominoes, and every now and then they hit a restaurant. Tonight, they are hitting Appleby's. But first, let's introduce CockDieselSmurf; a smurf who is cut too the gut due to a short stint in the fed.
Also let's introduce BumpySmurf. This mutha fucka STAYS bitter. He has something to bitch about all the time.
Now; let go eat good in the mutha fuckin' neighborhood....

Ghetto Smurfs enter.

BoricuaSmurf: Oh!! Dis place is faan-cy an' shit! Check it out!

PapaSmurf: Whateva, bitch. You don't know shit. Calm your mango-eating ass down.

BoricuaSmurf: **rolling eyes**

CookySmurf: Yeah, this place ain't shit. I bet they ain't got no pig feet up in here.

Hostess: HI! Welcome to Appleby's! How many in your party?

Papa Smurf: Bitch, can't you count?

CockDieselSmurf: Raise up PapaSmurf! She just doin' her job...With fine ass self.... (grabbing his jank) ha-ha-HAA!

Hostess: **blushing** uh..I..uh...thanks?

CockDieselSmurf: **sticking tongue out** Sho you right! hehehehe....its 6 of us, sho-tay.

Hostess: Follow me please.

PapaSmurf: **behind her**Hmph...she DO gotta phat ass. If she wasn't so goofy, I'd put her ass to work.

TrickSmurf: Papa!! Come on! Behave!

BumpySmurf: Man, FUCK behavin'!

**All are seated and the waitress approaches**

Waitress: Hi my name is Shelly and I'll be your server this evening. Can I get any of you something to drink?

BoricuaSmurf: PapiSmurf, I want a sangria. Plee-ase???

PapaSmurf: aight. Get her one of those and I want a Bud. What the rest of y'all want?

TrickSmurf: I want a Strawbury Daquiri

CookySmurf: Gimmie a Bud.

CockDieselSmurf: Me too.

Waitress: **to BumpySmurf** What about you, sir?

BumpySmurf: FUCK YOU!!

Waitress: Excuse me???

BumpySmurf: You heard me, FUCK YOU!!

TrickSmurf: Shut up, boy. Don't pay him no mind, girl. He A.D.D. or some shit. Or just plain stupid.

BumpySmurf: FUCK YOU TOO!!

PapaSmurf: Just bring him a beer too. Thanks.

Waitress stomps off. Returns later with a basket of bread and drinks.

CookySmurf: **chewing greedily** Damn! These rolls is alright! Hey BoricuaSmurf, gimmie your bag so I can take a few of these home.

BoricuaSmurf: Sorry, papi. I beat ju to de punch. I'm takin' deez shits wif me!

CookySmurf: **rolling eyes**

PapaSmurf: Cooky, can't you just make some yourself, man?

CookySmurf: Yeah, but shit! I can take these and sell dem at mushroom. At no cost man! No overhead, n'yamean?

**in unison** OOOH! AHHHH!

CookySmurf: See? SEE? **pointing at head** I be knowing shit, man! I drops that knowledge, son!

CockDieselSmurf: I feel you, dawg! **bumping fists** Here come the waitress. I'm ready to get my grub on.

Waitress enters getting in squatting position.

Waitress: You guys ready to order?

PapaSmurf: Yeah, we ready. What you ladies want?

BoricuaSmurf: Ok, do ju have bacalao?

Waitress: huh?

BoricuaSmurf: Bacalao. Ju know, de fish wif de tomatoes, wif de sazon....

Waitress: Uh, no ma'am.

BoricuaSmurf: **sucking teeth** Ok, what abou' arroz con pollo?

Waitress: I don't know what that is.

BoricuaSmurf: **SIGH!!** Daamn! J'all don't got shit!

TrickSmurf: Bitch, this aint no Spanish restaurant! Look at the damn menu.

BoricuaSmurf: Fine. Ju got chick-kon fingas, right?

Waitress: **sighing in relief** Yes. We have that.

BoricuaSmurf: Ok. I take dat.

Waitress: You ma'am?

TrickSmurf: Just gimme dat dish wit the skremps.

Waitress: Huh? Skremps?

TrickSmurf: Yeah. You know, skremps.

BumpySmurf: I HATE skremps!!

CookySmurf: Bitch the word is "shrimp". Damn!

TrickSmurf: whateva. **rolling eyes and sucking teeth** That's....what...I want.

Waitress: **too PapaSmurf** And you sir?

PapaSmurf: Gimmie dat grilled fish, with some rice and veg-a-tables.

Waitress: Great! And....

PapaSmurf: Wait. You ain't ask me what I wanted for desert?

Waitress: Well, sir, you haven't eaten your meal yet?

PapaSmurf: That's alright. I know what I want.

Waitress: Oh, ok. **fumbling with notepad.** What would you like?

PapaSmurf: You and that FINE ass or yours. Mmmm mmm MMM!

Waitress: **blushing** Uh, thanks.

PapaSmurf: **grabbing her arm, gently** Uh huh. Don't thank me until PapaSmurf show you what's REALLY good. And Imma tell you this here....

**BoricuaSmurf and TrickSmurf look at each other and roll eyes**

PapaSmurf: What's gonna happen is, you gonna give Papa that good number, and he gonna call you and then take you out and show you how a REAL smrf can Smurf. Ya feel me?

Waitress: yeah....I...I think I do.

PapaSmurf: Now go'on and do your thing. Papa gonna come get cha when he ready. **wink**

Waitress: **smiling** OK

CockDieselSmurf: Ehhh...Hmmm.

Waitress: Yes?

CockDieselSmurf: Lemmie get that Atkin's Favorite with the chicken.

Waitress: Got it.

CockDieselSmurf: Yeah, I'm trying to keep the guns, tight. **flexing bicep**

Waitress: **looking at CockDieselSmurf then PapaSmurf** That's nice. I'll be back with your orders. **walking off**

BumpySmurf: HEY!!! What about me and shit??

Waitress: Oh? How about "FUCK YOU!! I HATE taking your order!" **walks off**

BumpySmurf: **mouth wide open. All Smurfs bust out laughing**

TrickSmurf: Wait. Y'all here that?

**all listen**

CockDieselSmurf: Oh no.....oh shit....

**sound of a long car horn to the tune of "La Cucaracha**

**All together** IT'S ESE-SMURF!!!!

CookySmurf: **looking out the window** DAMN! AND he got TP with him!

PapaSmurf: Shit. I'm out. Imma go get my swerve on before they embarass my ass. **leaves the table.**

Enter Ese-Smurf. Along with him is TrailerParkSmurf.

Ese-Smurf: What's up, Homes? What you guys doing?

CookySmurf: We 'bout to eat. What da fuck you want?

TrailerParkSmurf: Now, now, Cooky. We was JUUUST in the neighbor, and we saw the smurf-mobile. And we figured we could drop by and say hi.

Ese-Smurf: Yeah. We just came from doing some bzness. We got some good deals on some hubcaps, Homes. You interested?

BumpySmurf: Fuck hubcaps!

Ese-Smurf: Damn, vato! You gots to chill, homes!

BumpySmurf: Fuck dat!

**Waitress enters** Here you guys go. Oh, more guests?

TrailerParkSmurf: Yeah! We were just about to set a spell! **takes a set**

**all sigh**

TrailerParkSmurf: Oh, I'd LOVE a beer, darlin'. Can you get that for me?

Waitress: Sure. And you sir?

Ese-Smurf: Yeah, chica. Gimmie a Corona and shit, man.

Waitress: ok **walks off**

TrickSmurf: You know, TP, its rude to have a hat on at a table with ladies. Why don't you take that shit off and pretend to be a gentleman.

TrailerParkSmurf: You right, you RIGHT! I'll just put it right here on the table.....

**before he can place it on the table, its obvious that the hat should remain on TP's head due to the once-white now dark brown brim. Also noted are the grease and oil stains all over the hat and its now weird smell**

TrickSmurf: UH UH! Put it back on. **clutching her stomach** Put..it..back...ON!!

TrailerParkSmurf: Uh...al-right.

**Ese-Smurf approaches BoricuaSmurf** OH! Pollo de dedos. **putting thumb on one of them** Did you want that, chica?

BoricuaSmurf: Oh hell no! Ju DID NOT just put ju hands in my fuckin' food! Oh fuck DAT, man! **begins taking off her earrings** Ju don' be doin' dat shit to ME! Imma fuck ju up as sooon as I take dees e'rrinks off! Fuck sat shet!

CockDeiselSmurf: **standing between the 2 of them** Easy, easy,mami! See what you did, jackass? She bout ta light yo ass up!

Ese-Smurf: **talking with mouth full and laughing** Sorry, Homes. I was hung-gree.

CockDeiselSmurf: You know what? Why don't y'all 2 just raise the fuck up outta here before I light BOTH y'all asses up my damn self.

TrailerParkSmurf: Al-right, al-right. We'll leave. C'mon, Es-saySmurf. We need to push these here hubcaps anyways. **both getting up**

CookySmurf: Uh....wait one minute, mutha fuckas. Where your money for that beer?

TrailerParkSmurf: Oh! I fig-gered one of you kind smurfs can smurf me a beer.

CookySmurf: SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTT! I ain't smurfing you shit! You better pay for that mutha fucken shit!

TrailerParkSmurf: Well, there's a problem, buddy. Since we ain't unloaded them hubcaps, I sadly do not have any currency at this moment in time. But I'd glad trade you the hula-hoop that's around ma pro-pane tank on the trailer. **putting his hand on Cooky's shoulder.**

BumpySmurf: I HATE hula-hoops!

CookySmurf: Get the fuck up off me, man! **standing up** I'm 'bout to wear your ass OUT!

TrickSmurf: Wait a minute y'all. Wait a minute. Y'all 2 just go, please. CD, you KNOW you on parole and Cooky you don't need no more drama. Fuck it.

**exuent TrailerParkSmurf and Ese-Smurf**

CockDeiselSmurf: Yeah, betta had left. Wait til I catch they ass back at the Village.

CookySmurf: Mmm mmm.

BumpySmurf: YEAH!

**enter PapaSmurf, folding a sheet a paper**

PapaSmurf: I'm back, they gone? If they were here while I was here I know there would be some shit.

CookySmurf: Yeah. You missed them and there was some shit anyway. Shit....what did WE miss?

PapaSmurf: HehehehheHHE! You know how I do.

CookSmurf: Got that number, huh?

PapaSmurf: No doubt. I'll have her tricked out in 'bout a week. Let's eat, mutha fuckas.


3 comments:

chaparritadeoro said...

"...at this moment in time." Too funny. The isms are all over da place! I love it!

Rachael said...

Even better than the last one, I love it!

WebmasterMama said...

That is one long post... I'm too tired to read it all. :( Dang kids.