Saturday, November 26, 2005

Topics 1& 2: For The White Girls Only

Uh oh. Looks as though I may have stepped on some pink toes with this one. Before you read this, please keep in mind this is another one of my tasteless humor entries that was supposed to be funny. I thought it was funny, but as I was told earlier " come up like a big, black, mad racist." Au contrar (sp?);I just have some major issues when it comes to social ills. So please, read this with the usual smirk followed by a laugh while you think "What an asshole."

This post is a little overdue. My daily juggle has made it difficult to address, but for the sake of the White Women of America it is necessary. If you are not a white woman, you may want to go run and get that hot dog from 7-11, check out what Neckbone or Bowman has been talking about, or catch that Law & Order rerun on the USA network.

Ok...can we gather up front please? Let's all sit on the floor in the form of a circle with our legs folded Indian style, ok? And yes, there is warm hot chocolate on the table up here too. Oooh...oooh! Don't forget the marshmellows! They're on the table next to the carafe. They are just great, aren't they? Ok! Are we ready? Oh...we have a couple of straglers....down here girls! That's right....GREAT to have you! Ok! So lets have a talk amongst ourselves so that we can come to terms with ourselves and maybe even bond! Wouldn't that be great? Ok!

White Women of America, I'm not going to keep you long. I know you have JUST finished with Thanksgiving and having to clean the cranberry sauce that your neice smeared on your nice table cloth....the Christmas shopping that needs to be done, the charity drive at work. But White Women of America, I'm concerned. You and I have had a few empasses over the years that we should discuss.

Hey White Women of America, if I'm crossing the street and you are driving and slowing to a stop, can I get the same stopping distance that you would give your aunt or your grandmother? White Women of America, we both know I'm Black, we both know that Black men have a propencity to be nibble-a-foot, but White Women of America, I am equally afraid of large, rapidly moving vehicles. Can I get that White Women of America? Just because I'm Black doesn't mean that I am Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is's boyfriend. That is not your opportunity to initiate your vendetta on Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is. She and I probably don't even know each other! Do you understand that? Can I get that?

White Women of America, if I say "hi" to you in passing on the street, it doesn't mean I want to fuck you. Hey, I may just be in a good mood. White Women of America, please realize that the myths aren't really true. Not every Black man covets a White woman. That was a myth derived from the slavery age. You all are beautiful in your own unique ways, but in all honesty, (and I have to revert to slang) I got some good shit on lock. The "shit" I am referring to is what you can call...oh let's call it coochimus awesomeus. White Women of America, I would say at least half of the Black men who say "hi" to you on the street don't want to fuck you. You may just be in the way and that is their way of saying "excuse me" or "could you please get your narra ass outta the way?" Or, just like me, he may just want to say "hi". At the same time, a man is a man so there are some who want you; regardless of race. So if I see you on the street and say "hi", could you reply back please? You can keep your eyes forward, you can keep walking forward, but everyone from the President of the United States to the bum on the street deserves acknowledgement when they speak.

Is everyone still comfortable? Get comfie and don't worry...I'm almost done.

Ummmm....White Women of America (prticularly of the East Coast), it's almost wintertime. No matter how fashionable flip-flops were this summer, the Summer of 2005 is gone. Please stop wearing them. Your pink toes seem to look so tortured with the now Welcome To Canada, Eh? winds coming in. Please either box them up, or better yet just toss them. White Women of America, it's over. Move on please.

White Women of America, (and this is soooooo applicable to this time of year)if you see me in a store aisle and you need to get by, the best way to do that is to say "excuse me". The following actions do not work on me, White Women of America:
1.) Just standing there and waiting until I see you and decide to move out of
your way.
2.) Just standing there sighing increasingly louder and waiting until I see you
and decide to move out of your way.
3.) Standing there and gradually moving closer until you ASSUME that you are so
close that I have no other choice but to move out of the way.
Now, White Women of America, what happened to the wonderful manners your kintergarden teacher taught you? She taught you those for a reason and the same rules should apply in adult case scenarios as well.

Ok, I'm done! That wasn't that bad, was it? Hey, let's give everybody a big hand for listening and participating, ok? **clapping** C'mon! You can clap louder than that! That's it, that's it!

Alright! Let's have some more cocoa...


Blonde Ambition said...

Me thinks that possibly if you had had a bad day and the women involved were NOT white we might not be seeing this post? You are generalizing in the extreme Kojak....really.....

Signed....a proud, polite, sexy white woman who does NOT think that every black man wants her and who DOES know how to drive without hitting a black pedestrian lmao

r. said...

my expermiental psych class did an experiment last semester on the opposite race in the cross walk thing... OK - I will not pull up too close to you and you will not decide to drag your feet and moseeeeeeeeee along as slow as possible when you see my white face.. deal, deal!

Brother Kojak said...

BA: don't pretend like you are new, this is a blog. The 21th century home of generalized news and comments. This is Brother Kojak's blog, I'll generalize about Whites, Blacks, you not yet realize no one is safe? The world thru my eyes is vastly different for your and that's what makes blogging so great.

BTW, do you live in Uk Buck, WV? The very sight of a Black makes people there realize that the South did NOT win the war.
Hehehe...that was just for flava. I kill me.

r: Dually noted. I'm not an ass-dragger when I cross the street, but I DAMN sure know what you mean!

prosine said...

Having a bad day were we? :D I know what you mean, but, don't forget this... if I take my white ass into a black neighborhood, sometimes, the same things happen :) all i'm sayin' on that!

NOW, BA, methinks is one word! haha!! muthafucka!!

Reese The Law Girl said...

Okay, but, what does it mean when someone almost gets too close to you in the cross-walk like they can't wait to hit you, and then you turn, look at them, roll your eyes, and move as slow as possible?

I do that a lot. ;)

BK, you need to pull some reverse discrimination just to mess with people. It's fun. My favorite is grabbing my purse when a "well-dressed" white person gets on the elevator or the train. I have this, "Don't rob me, please!" look on my face.

LOL! It's a classic. ;D

Brother Kojak said...

Yeah, I remember reading about that in your blog. too funny!

Cham said...

Heavens, what a chip on you shoulder and an imagination that works overtime!

Brother Kojak said...

No chips except Utz's. If you keep reading my blog, Cham, you'll find out that E'erybody gets it! If as you might say....the wee babes. **wink**

derek said...


You know, if I carried a purse, I would do the exact same thing...except with little old ladies. It's really funny because my bookbag usually weighs more than my 2 year old!