Friday I went to see "Hitch" with the fam. I'm not a Will Smith in the least, but this film was watchable. Although predictable, Will Smith and Kevin James had a good comedic chemistry. What really did it for me was the presence of Eva Mendez. Chile please! That girl is FYNE! She can't act shit, but her physique did all the talking; and damnit I was listening!
Some little tidbits from my viewing pleasure:
When we arrived my hyper-son was in 4th gear with no signs of slowing down. While we were looking for somewhere to sit, a gentleman moved his coat so that there would be 3 seats next to each other. Because of the small fry, I sat next to the man. You know, as funny as that movie was, the guy sitting next didn't even laugh. Well, there was one part...there was a scene where Mendez was sitting in front of the tv crying. Now, instead of her crying over some typical romance movie like "Casablanca" or "Reds", she was crying over "Jerry MacGuire". I thought this was funny, but my neighbor found it hilarious. I even pulled him up and said "damn. That was the first time you laughed all movie!"
"But she's crying over Jerry MacGuire! Jerry MacGuire??" and began to laugh some more. At the end of the movie, the cast does a dance scene in like a Soul Train line. There was a part where Will Smith and Eva Mendez were dancing together with her fyne ass self. Evidently, I wasn't the only one who noticed because my neighbor nudged me hard. I said "Dude, I've been bugging thru the WHOLE movie."
Overall, it was a great date movie. The guys will laugh and the girls will go "awww!" Very predictable, but the writers put various changes in the comedic romance formula to keep it interesting. Casting Eva Mendez didn't hurt either. MMM mmm mmmm.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Thursday, February 24, 2005
I'm so hurt....
...by life. Sometimes life can be so betraying. The wonderful moments you share with others just to get smacked in the face by circumstances that no one will be able to change. Once a week for 20 weeks I've been working with a group of 30 kids in the projects of Prince George's County. They have been my source for many a beer I've drank, laughs, and even a couple blog entries. You spend that much time with children there are bound to be some form of attachment to them and vice versa. You want it to be an attachment of great things happening in their lives: "Great report card, Monica!" "You got the lead role in the school play? Cool." But Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. There are hurdles and obstacles in the path of growth. If we are lucky, those obstacles happen when we are an age to be resourceful enough to take all things in stride. Unfortunately, some of us are not that blessed. Some of us have to be parents to our parents.
Our program is almost a family affair. We have so many kids because there are a few brother-sister combinations. Yesterday I was told that one of the combos got evicted from their apartment. That blows me. How the fuck you gonna get put out of a Section 8 apartment? The rent is only like $50 a month! The whole situation was fucked up. The rumor was they were put out without notice. I'm sure they were way behind on rent though. Not that they were so poor, its that the parents were so fucked up. They are drug addicts. They decided to consolidate themselves and have 3 adults and 6 children in a goddamn apartment. That's some shit. Now, thier kids are in a shelter and since one of them is close to 12, HE probably will end up in foster care. For those who know me, you know I'm a pretty testosterone driven man. But this situation had a brother choked up for a minute. I guess because of the whole unjustness of the thing. These don't want to do anything but go to school and play. That's it! And now they have to be punished for the stupidity of their parents. And me, I think about the intangibles of the thing. Not the fact that they are in a damn shelter, but "who is going to braid S___e's hair? How is this going to effect D____e? Are T____e's grades going to take a nosedive?"
I apologize for this blog because I know most of you come here for something funny to read. I ain't got nothing for you and even if I did this is so huge that not too much of anything is going to be amusing.
Our program is almost a family affair. We have so many kids because there are a few brother-sister combinations. Yesterday I was told that one of the combos got evicted from their apartment. That blows me. How the fuck you gonna get put out of a Section 8 apartment? The rent is only like $50 a month! The whole situation was fucked up. The rumor was they were put out without notice. I'm sure they were way behind on rent though. Not that they were so poor, its that the parents were so fucked up. They are drug addicts. They decided to consolidate themselves and have 3 adults and 6 children in a goddamn apartment. That's some shit. Now, thier kids are in a shelter and since one of them is close to 12, HE probably will end up in foster care. For those who know me, you know I'm a pretty testosterone driven man. But this situation had a brother choked up for a minute. I guess because of the whole unjustness of the thing. These don't want to do anything but go to school and play. That's it! And now they have to be punished for the stupidity of their parents. And me, I think about the intangibles of the thing. Not the fact that they are in a damn shelter, but "who is going to braid S___e's hair? How is this going to effect D____e? Are T____e's grades going to take a nosedive?"
I apologize for this blog because I know most of you come here for something funny to read. I ain't got nothing for you and even if I did this is so huge that not too much of anything is going to be amusing.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Nasty bastards...
I'm pulling out of my ex's driveway. I see this couple walking down the street. They stop, the woman looks at the man and proceeds to wipe something from his nose. Ish. That's gross enough, but why come after a brief exchange (mostly from him) does she let this mutha fucka BLOWN HIS NOSE INTO HER SLEEVE?!??!?! What type nasty shit is that????
Dirty mutha fuckas......
Dirty mutha fuckas......
Sunday, February 20, 2005
The Ba-bashop
The black barbershop is a place of gathering news, insight, and services. I can't tell you how many contractors or services I've picked up from going to the barbershop. Its also the place where, believe it or not, the art of the African story telling takes place. The 2 "Barbershop" movies did an ok job of bringing that part of the community to life, but there was much to be desired. Here are some examples that were missed in the movie:
1.) People coming in there always selling some half-ass shit.
2.) Homeless people coming in not begging, but getting as much free shit as they can or use the bathroom before they get run out.
3.) Baby mama drama
4.) waiting an hour for your barber to show up.
Yesterday, a homeless man came in and took a rack of condoms from the community basket. He would have taken more if everyone in the shop wasn't gawking at him. When I saw him outside, he was sitting on the steps of another spot with his legs crossed smoking a cigarette as if he were sitting there waiting on his bitches.
LOL! Oh man that was too funny. Here he is, no house, no job, no gear, and he claimin' more than me!
So I'm sitting in there with Canon the Barber and Phil. I've known Canon for years, cool, slick unreliable yet very reliable brother. I better break that down. Canon is the type who if you say "let's go to the Orioles game. I got the tickets. Call me when you get off work"
"aight"
**crickets chirping**
But if I say something like "Yo, I'm at Penn Station with no ride. I know its snowing and shit, but can you and the Blazer come pick me up?"
"aight"
He may take a while to get there, but he'll be there. Phil I don't know. All I know is that he does contractual jobs for builders. So the 3 of us and a couple others are back in Canon's area. Canon was cutting a head, and I was talking to my son. Canon suddenly lifted his head up:
Canon: Hey nigga, what you gonna do with that?
Phil: what?
Canon: that booga you just flicked outta your nose, niggga. I know you just aint put that on my floor!
Phil: **laughing** Aw man! Go head with that! I ain't dig in my nose!
Canon: Yes you did. you dug, flicked it, then wiped the shit on your pants.
**all laugh**'s
Me: Man, that how they do, Canon. Them kats that work on construction sites and shit...they nasty!
Canon: yeah man!
Phil: Aw there YOU go! Looking like that nigga on the Black Eyed Peas
**all laugh**
Me: aight, aight. But I know that you kats do all kinds of nasty stuff. Like blow your nose no Kleenex and shit. Take a dump in the woods....
Canon: Damn! Phil you get down like that son?
Phil: Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do! I done took a shit in the woods and wipe my ass with leaves.
**all laugh**
Me: Trife. Now how many time you done done that Phil?
Phil: Hey, ain't no shame in having to take a shit. I remember one time I was driving to this party. I had gas like a ma fucka and I kept farting. So I'm driving, bomp..booonp....booomp...bom....
uh oh.
Some got out yo!
**all laughing**
Phil: So I said "oh shit! What I'm gonna do?" Man, I was driving like this! (showed how he was leaning with one ass cheek off of the seat) So I pulled over to the highway, got out, walked over (gingerly)to the woods, pulled my shit down and off, wiped my ass with the draws, threw them into the woods, got back in the car and went to the party.
**all ROLLING now**
Me: Yo! I'm blown! You STILL went to the party?
Canon: Hey Phil! For real, that's how you roll Phil?
Phil: Hey man, I couldn't help it! DOn't even tell me you never did that.
Canon: Hell naw!
Phil: Canon....you ain't never farted and the shit accidently come out?
Canon: I ain't never wiped my ass with the draws I shitted on, naw!
**all laugh**
Me: Yo. You couldn't stop and go to Ross or TJ Maxx to get some draws? Or even go back home?
Phil: Naw man! The party was right down the street and it took me 45 minutes to get there.
Me: And you wasnt going back home?
Phil: Naw!
Me: Well, damn. Was the party any good with your stinkin' ass?
Phil: **laughing** Off the hook son. I took care of it when I got there with some toilet paper and soap.
**I laugh**
Me: Toilet paper and soap, huh? Damn. You a wild boy Phil.
Canon: You nasty mutha fucka! That's just like when you was over my house and took a shit, I didnt have no toilet paper in that back bathroom!
Phil: Oh hell naw! There was toilet paper in there!
Canon: No there wasn't!
Phil: Yes there was! Wasn't no soap, but the toilet paper was there.
Canon: nasty bastard. That's why I don't give you no dap, nigga!
**all laugh**
Me: Damn Phil. And since you work outside, you do that shit at work too, don't you?
Phil: Naw, man. Well....yeah. I had something like that that had happened one time......
To be continued........
1.) People coming in there always selling some half-ass shit.
2.) Homeless people coming in not begging, but getting as much free shit as they can or use the bathroom before they get run out.
3.) Baby mama drama
4.) waiting an hour for your barber to show up.
Yesterday, a homeless man came in and took a rack of condoms from the community basket. He would have taken more if everyone in the shop wasn't gawking at him. When I saw him outside, he was sitting on the steps of another spot with his legs crossed smoking a cigarette as if he were sitting there waiting on his bitches.
LOL! Oh man that was too funny. Here he is, no house, no job, no gear, and he claimin' more than me!
So I'm sitting in there with Canon the Barber and Phil. I've known Canon for years, cool, slick unreliable yet very reliable brother. I better break that down. Canon is the type who if you say "let's go to the Orioles game. I got the tickets. Call me when you get off work"
"aight"
**crickets chirping**
But if I say something like "Yo, I'm at Penn Station with no ride. I know its snowing and shit, but can you and the Blazer come pick me up?"
"aight"
He may take a while to get there, but he'll be there. Phil I don't know. All I know is that he does contractual jobs for builders. So the 3 of us and a couple others are back in Canon's area. Canon was cutting a head, and I was talking to my son. Canon suddenly lifted his head up:
Canon: Hey nigga, what you gonna do with that?
Phil: what?
Canon: that booga you just flicked outta your nose, niggga. I know you just aint put that on my floor!
Phil: **laughing** Aw man! Go head with that! I ain't dig in my nose!
Canon: Yes you did. you dug, flicked it, then wiped the shit on your pants.
**all laugh**'s
Me: Man, that how they do, Canon. Them kats that work on construction sites and shit...they nasty!
Canon: yeah man!
Phil: Aw there YOU go! Looking like that nigga on the Black Eyed Peas
**all laugh**
Me: aight, aight. But I know that you kats do all kinds of nasty stuff. Like blow your nose no Kleenex and shit. Take a dump in the woods....
Canon: Damn! Phil you get down like that son?
Phil: Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do! I done took a shit in the woods and wipe my ass with leaves.
**all laugh**
Me: Trife. Now how many time you done done that Phil?
Phil: Hey, ain't no shame in having to take a shit. I remember one time I was driving to this party. I had gas like a ma fucka and I kept farting. So I'm driving, bomp..booonp....booomp...bom....
uh oh.
Some got out yo!
**all laughing**
Phil: So I said "oh shit! What I'm gonna do?" Man, I was driving like this! (showed how he was leaning with one ass cheek off of the seat) So I pulled over to the highway, got out, walked over (gingerly)to the woods, pulled my shit down and off, wiped my ass with the draws, threw them into the woods, got back in the car and went to the party.
**all ROLLING now**
Me: Yo! I'm blown! You STILL went to the party?
Canon: Hey Phil! For real, that's how you roll Phil?
Phil: Hey man, I couldn't help it! DOn't even tell me you never did that.
Canon: Hell naw!
Phil: Canon....you ain't never farted and the shit accidently come out?
Canon: I ain't never wiped my ass with the draws I shitted on, naw!
**all laugh**
Me: Yo. You couldn't stop and go to Ross or TJ Maxx to get some draws? Or even go back home?
Phil: Naw man! The party was right down the street and it took me 45 minutes to get there.
Me: And you wasnt going back home?
Phil: Naw!
Me: Well, damn. Was the party any good with your stinkin' ass?
Phil: **laughing** Off the hook son. I took care of it when I got there with some toilet paper and soap.
**I laugh**
Me: Toilet paper and soap, huh? Damn. You a wild boy Phil.
Canon: You nasty mutha fucka! That's just like when you was over my house and took a shit, I didnt have no toilet paper in that back bathroom!
Phil: Oh hell naw! There was toilet paper in there!
Canon: No there wasn't!
Phil: Yes there was! Wasn't no soap, but the toilet paper was there.
Canon: nasty bastard. That's why I don't give you no dap, nigga!
**all laugh**
Me: Damn Phil. And since you work outside, you do that shit at work too, don't you?
Phil: Naw, man. Well....yeah. I had something like that that had happened one time......
To be continued........
Thursday, February 17, 2005
I'm still here
Yes, I'm still here. I apologize for the delay, but I don't manage my time well enough to blog every day or every other day. I've even lost my life management flow: bounced some checks this week AND turned in a paper late. This weekend I'm regrouping so wish me luck. I'm also looking for a higher paying job in the county. I like what I'm doing, but I really rather have the cash thank you very much. And thanks for the relocation invite Zulu and Twisty, but damn that! Y'all are too far north!
Let's see, what did y'all miss.....At work, we are loosing the battle. The kids are slowly taking over. We have a principal who does not want to dole out any harsh punishment. There are 5 kids who if we expel would make the school a hell of a lot better. Also, he is a RE-ACTIVE principal and not a PRO-ACTIVE one. Excellent example: On Friday there was a student who got into it with the teacher. The student was removed from class, but was returned to class. Huh? He knew that this particular student has A LOT of problems at home. So instead of re-iterating that no one here perpetuates her problems at home, he just deals with the situation with the teacher and the student. Lunchtime comes and she decides to still act retarded by screaming something to another student. (I'm not going to repeat it because some of you would get offended) Ok, our Crisis Intervention person calls her and tells her to sit at a table near her. That was fine, until the 2 went back and forth and the student made the mistake of calling the staff member a bitch. Now, some of you may not know this, but if you ever call a sista a bitch in provocation, that's an automatic fight; man , woman, or child. This chic was no different. She was sitting next to me with her fine 120 lbs-shapely-self. But all that womanliness went out the window when she jumped up and said "No...NO! You will NOT disrespect ME like that! You hear me? You hear me?? "
student: Get out my face!
HourGlass: I told you you aint gonna be talkin' to ME like that! Cause ain't the one! AND I'm in your face! So what you gonna do, huh? What you gonna do?
Ah Ha!! I was right! There WAS an office romance going on with OhHellNaw and another teacher. I was just wrong about which teacher. We will call him Rueben because he thats what the kids call him. Yeah, apparently the 2 of them had been hooking up for about a month or so and suddenly it got squashed. Why, I don't know but Rueben has been very stand-offish so I guess he didn't initiate it. The kids even picked up on it asking "Is Rueben going to Chicago with you this weekend?" And all this time I thought it was she and HubbaBubba. Don't worry about a new nickname for him because Friday was his last day. His parents' house burnt down Wed. and he decided to go back and help them out. Now, what the hell HE is going to do I have no idea. Yo! The house is gone! Burneded! What you gonna do, get a hammer and nails and get old school? Man, you just copped out on us. Bitter about that.
Anyway, he was thanked for his services by the kids by getting a bun thrown at him after the malay in the cafeteria, a popcorn fight in the class even though it was his idea to do something nice for the kids on his last day, and 2 kids getting put out of class. **sigh**
**stole: punched
Let's see, what did y'all miss.....At work, we are loosing the battle. The kids are slowly taking over. We have a principal who does not want to dole out any harsh punishment. There are 5 kids who if we expel would make the school a hell of a lot better. Also, he is a RE-ACTIVE principal and not a PRO-ACTIVE one. Excellent example: On Friday there was a student who got into it with the teacher. The student was removed from class, but was returned to class. Huh? He knew that this particular student has A LOT of problems at home. So instead of re-iterating that no one here perpetuates her problems at home, he just deals with the situation with the teacher and the student. Lunchtime comes and she decides to still act retarded by screaming something to another student. (I'm not going to repeat it because some of you would get offended) Ok, our Crisis Intervention person calls her and tells her to sit at a table near her. That was fine, until the 2 went back and forth and the student made the mistake of calling the staff member a bitch. Now, some of you may not know this, but if you ever call a sista a bitch in provocation, that's an automatic fight; man , woman, or child. This chic was no different. She was sitting next to me with her fine 120 lbs-shapely-self. But all that womanliness went out the window when she jumped up and said "No...NO! You will NOT disrespect ME like that! You hear me? You hear me?? "
student: Get out my face!
HourGlass: I told you you aint gonna be talkin' to ME like that! Cause ain't the one! AND I'm in your face! So what you gonna do, huh? What you gonna do?
MOOOOOP!!!
damn she stole** HourGlass in the the lip. Yes, the principal and I broke up a fight between a student and a staff member. Unfuckingbelievable.
Also in that week, 3 students got 5 days suspension and 1 got expelled. He was so irate that we called the police on him because he threated the bus driver and a staff member. Boston Public ain't got shit on The Valley.
Ah Ha!! I was right! There WAS an office romance going on with OhHellNaw and another teacher. I was just wrong about which teacher. We will call him Rueben because he thats what the kids call him. Yeah, apparently the 2 of them had been hooking up for about a month or so and suddenly it got squashed. Why, I don't know but Rueben has been very stand-offish so I guess he didn't initiate it. The kids even picked up on it asking "Is Rueben going to Chicago with you this weekend?" And all this time I thought it was she and HubbaBubba. Don't worry about a new nickname for him because Friday was his last day. His parents' house burnt down Wed. and he decided to go back and help them out. Now, what the hell HE is going to do I have no idea. Yo! The house is gone! Burneded! What you gonna do, get a hammer and nails and get old school? Man, you just copped out on us. Bitter about that.
Anyway, he was thanked for his services by the kids by getting a bun thrown at him after the malay in the cafeteria, a popcorn fight in the class even though it was his idea to do something nice for the kids on his last day, and 2 kids getting put out of class. **sigh**
**stole: punched
Friday, February 11, 2005
dey fightn', dey fightn' !!
Yup. It was inevitable. 1st fight of the year. The one with the most mouth got his ass kicked. The funny part (if there is one) is that I ran to break it up and one of the teachers was in the midst of it and he had a hold of one of kids' waist instead of his arms. I pulled the teacher off and grabbed the kid. After the dust settled and I was walking down the hallway, one of the kids said "man, why you truck me## ? Slammed me all up against the wall. Man, I'm suing!" I apologized to him profusely.
I went to orientation yesterday. Man, that shit is depressing! Not only does the pay suck, but come to find out that I only get ONE personal day and 4.5 sick days for the year. Oh wait, it gets better. Not only that, but I can't use the personal DAY until I'm off probabtion. How long is probation? Not one month, not 3, not even 6.....
A fucken year.
Oh well. We'll make sure this is temporary. So if any of you know of someone in the B-more area looking for a jack-of-all-trades techie, let me know.
Other notes:
This is primarily for Zulu; and Jenn, I think you may have read this too. Watch what you blog!
Darkness will from now on be referred to as Glueman. I totally forgot about his fascination and skill in dealing with adhesives. Anything that breaks and can't be nailed or screwed together, call the Glueman. 2 stories about that:
I had been spending all of my unemployment checks routinely on earpieces for my cell phone. When I finally find one that works and is comfortable, my clumsy ass steps on it and breaks it. "Hmm. How can I fix this?" No clue. "Who can fix this for me?" **LIGHT BULB!!** The cousin.
Glueman: Wassup yo?
Me: Hey man, can you fix my earpiece for me?
Gluema: Fix it? What's wrong with it?
Me: The part that goes in your ear broke. And since you the Glueman, I figured you'd fix it.
Glueman: **laughing** Oh, Glueman, huh?
Me: Yeah man. Everytime something need pastin', you always got the right kind of pastes and thangs. You nice## with yours!
**both laughing**
Glueman: Alright, bring it thru. I see what I can do.
Worked like a charm until it finally died. The Glueman is nice!
Second story:
My son and I were spending the weekend over Glueman's house. He seemed restless. When the sun went down, he goes "Ride with me".
We get into the car and I ask where we were going. "I need to fix my son's car headlight. I gotta go to the store to get some of my elixirs."
Me: elixirs? What do you mean? A little some-some to drink?
Glueman: No man. My glues! My apoxies!
Me: OH!! **laughing** Elixirs, huh? Very good.
So we get to the auto store and walked around the various aisles...light bulbs, car freshener, windshield wipers...ah! "Here it is. All the gl..."
"Shhhhhh!! I'm concentrating on my formulas." he said while rubbing his chin.
"Hmm...." He started. "If I get this one here, I'll have to combine it with this other apoxy that got extra binding agents. **me snickering** With this other one, I'll have to reinforce it with some tape. What you think?"
"Well, if you...."
"Nevermind. I got this."
So we proceeded to the checkout, and sure enough, 12 hours later, the headlight was good as new. (Uh...except for the small strip of tape in the corner.)
Like I said, Glueman is NICE!
###truck: to run over, rudely push out of the way.
###nice: smoother than smooth, adept in the context of the sentence.
I went to orientation yesterday. Man, that shit is depressing! Not only does the pay suck, but come to find out that I only get ONE personal day and 4.5 sick days for the year. Oh wait, it gets better. Not only that, but I can't use the personal DAY until I'm off probabtion. How long is probation? Not one month, not 3, not even 6.....
A fucken year.
Oh well. We'll make sure this is temporary. So if any of you know of someone in the B-more area looking for a jack-of-all-trades techie, let me know.
Other notes:
This is primarily for Zulu; and Jenn, I think you may have read this too. Watch what you blog!
Darkness will from now on be referred to as Glueman. I totally forgot about his fascination and skill in dealing with adhesives. Anything that breaks and can't be nailed or screwed together, call the Glueman. 2 stories about that:
I had been spending all of my unemployment checks routinely on earpieces for my cell phone. When I finally find one that works and is comfortable, my clumsy ass steps on it and breaks it. "Hmm. How can I fix this?" No clue. "Who can fix this for me?" **LIGHT BULB!!** The cousin.
Glueman: Wassup yo?
Me: Hey man, can you fix my earpiece for me?
Gluema: Fix it? What's wrong with it?
Me: The part that goes in your ear broke. And since you the Glueman, I figured you'd fix it.
Glueman: **laughing** Oh, Glueman, huh?
Me: Yeah man. Everytime something need pastin', you always got the right kind of pastes and thangs. You nice## with yours!
**both laughing**
Glueman: Alright, bring it thru. I see what I can do.
Worked like a charm until it finally died. The Glueman is nice!
Second story:
My son and I were spending the weekend over Glueman's house. He seemed restless. When the sun went down, he goes "Ride with me".
We get into the car and I ask where we were going. "I need to fix my son's car headlight. I gotta go to the store to get some of my elixirs."
Me: elixirs? What do you mean? A little some-some to drink?
Glueman: No man. My glues! My apoxies!
Me: OH!! **laughing** Elixirs, huh? Very good.
So we get to the auto store and walked around the various aisles...light bulbs, car freshener, windshield wipers...ah! "Here it is. All the gl..."
"Shhhhhh!! I'm concentrating on my formulas." he said while rubbing his chin.
"Hmm...." He started. "If I get this one here, I'll have to combine it with this other apoxy that got extra binding agents. **me snickering** With this other one, I'll have to reinforce it with some tape. What you think?"
"Well, if you...."
"Nevermind. I got this."
So we proceeded to the checkout, and sure enough, 12 hours later, the headlight was good as new. (Uh...except for the small strip of tape in the corner.)
Like I said, Glueman is NICE!
###truck: to run over, rudely push out of the way.
###nice: smoother than smooth, adept in the context of the sentence.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Street Cred
To those who don't know, street cred is street credibility. How much street do you know? Are you street or are you faking? HubbaBubba is getting street cred already. A white man, in a prodominantly black county is going to get street cred by default. First of all, he lives close to work. Ok, what dat mean? Well, we all work in a shady neighborhood. Therefore, he lives in a shady neighborhood. He lives on The Hill; this high-rise on the top of a hill overlooking Branch Ave. He is probably the only sane white person that lives in that building. Instant establishment of street cred. (appalause please). And having the kids in his classroom, he gets to learn all kinds of new slang.
goosing: to mutually stare down a person
swelling: pressed, seemingly desperate
Keep up the good work HubbaBubba! When you get that full street cred, your name will be changed accordingly.
Update: The boys and girls were seperated into gender sections today because of an almost fight Friday. Realize that these kids are about 2 to 3 grades behind in maturity level AND have behavioral issues. Sometimes you have to go backwards to go forward.
goosing: to mutually stare down a person
swelling: pressed, seemingly desperate
Keep up the good work HubbaBubba! When you get that full street cred, your name will be changed accordingly.
Update: The boys and girls were seperated into gender sections today because of an almost fight Friday. Realize that these kids are about 2 to 3 grades behind in maturity level AND have behavioral issues. Sometimes you have to go backwards to go forward.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
"Man, the things you think about sometimes..."
My cousin Darkness and I have some great phone convos. It is typical of us to call each other about the dumbest things. The following is a classic example of of one of those convos.
Me: What's up, Son ? What you claimin' ?
Darkness: Nothing, Son. Chillin'. What's on your mind?
Me: I got a bone to pick with you, brudda.
Darkness: Heheheh..oh yeah? Waassup?
Me: Remember back in the day....uh...you remember Teddy Pendergrass, right?
Darkness: (anticipatory laugh) Yeah?
Me: You remember that song "Turn off the Lights" don't you?
Darkness: (singing) Turn off the lights
And light a candle...
Sure. I remember that song.
Me: Ok. Now, you thought he was pretty cool, right?
Darkness: hehhehhe...I mean....He wasn't no Scoop and Scrap Lover, but yeah, he was aight.
(both laugh)
Me: Well, how come....WAAAY back when when we were over my grandmother's freestylin' (Darkness begins to laugh) y'all laughed when I said that line "rub you down....with soaps and oils" but in that same song by Teddy he says "And let you rub me down with some hot soaps and oils! yeah! YES!"
(both laugh)
Darkneaa: (still laughing) man, you a fool! You was like 14 years old! You ain't know nothing about no hot soaps and oils. He a grown man!
Me: (still laughing) Oh! Good point!
Darkness: I was going to call and ask you something too the other day.
Me: Oh ok.
Darkness: I was sitting at the Bob Evans eating some lunch when out of the blue, this tune comes in my head:
don don DUNT
DUNT dunt da don DUNT
don don don DUNT
da DUNT dunt dunt dunt dunt da don
Me: The theme song to Benson????
Darkness: Yeah. I was was like "damn. I can't remember Benson's last name...what the hell was it??"
Me: Hmmm! I don't remember either now that I think of it.
Darkness: I figured you wouldn't remember. So I called JoJo (his sister) and asked her. She said his name was DuBois.
Me: Oh yeah that's right! Benson DuBois....
Darkness: Mmmm hmmm. Then it dawned on me to ask you how a brother get a french last name?
Me: Oh. He's probably of Haitian decent. They speak Frenchus (yes, I actually said Frenches (french-us)).
Darkness: Oh yea, that's right!
Me: yeah
Darkness: Aight chief. I holla at you.
Me: Aight den. Peace yo'self
Darkness: Peace
(click)
We have some that are a lot better than that and I will ask him if he remembers anymore of them. If so, I'll put another one up.
peace
Me: He could also be of Cameron decent. They speak French as well.
Me: What's up, Son ? What you claimin' ?
Darkness: Nothing, Son. Chillin'. What's on your mind?
Me: I got a bone to pick with you, brudda.
Darkness: Heheheh..oh yeah? Waassup?
Me: Remember back in the day....uh...you remember Teddy Pendergrass, right?
Darkness: (anticipatory laugh) Yeah?
Me: You remember that song "Turn off the Lights" don't you?
Darkness: (singing) Turn off the lights
And light a candle...
Sure. I remember that song.
Me: Ok. Now, you thought he was pretty cool, right?
Darkness: hehhehhe...I mean....He wasn't no Scoop and Scrap Lover, but yeah, he was aight.
(both laugh)
Me: Well, how come....WAAAY back when when we were over my grandmother's freestylin' (Darkness begins to laugh) y'all laughed when I said that line "rub you down....with soaps and oils" but in that same song by Teddy he says "And let you rub me down with some hot soaps and oils! yeah! YES!"
(both laugh)
Darkneaa: (still laughing) man, you a fool! You was like 14 years old! You ain't know nothing about no hot soaps and oils. He a grown man!
Me: (still laughing) Oh! Good point!
Darkness: I was going to call and ask you something too the other day.
Me: Oh ok.
Darkness: I was sitting at the Bob Evans eating some lunch when out of the blue, this tune comes in my head:
don don DUNT
DUNT dunt da don DUNT
don don don DUNT
da DUNT dunt dunt dunt dunt da don
Me: The theme song to Benson????
Darkness: Yeah. I was was like "damn. I can't remember Benson's last name...what the hell was it??"
Me: Hmmm! I don't remember either now that I think of it.
Darkness: I figured you wouldn't remember. So I called JoJo (his sister) and asked her. She said his name was DuBois.
Me: Oh yeah that's right! Benson DuBois....
Darkness: Mmmm hmmm. Then it dawned on me to ask you how a brother get a french last name?
Me: Oh. He's probably of Haitian decent. They speak Frenchus (yes, I actually said Frenches (french-us)).
Darkness: Oh yea, that's right!
Me: yeah
Darkness: Aight chief. I holla at you.
Me: Aight den. Peace yo'self
Darkness: Peace
(click)
We have some that are a lot better than that and I will ask him if he remembers anymore of them. If so, I'll put another one up.
peace
Me: He could also be of Cameron decent. They speak French as well.
Friday, February 04, 2005
"I was prepared!"
In a previous blog entry (A Little Known Fact), I wrote about having a big tee shirt on. There is a story that goes along with that. Like to hear it, here it go...
Me and Darkness were walking thru B-more's flea market. For you West Coasters thats the equivalent of a swap shop. I forgot what we were looking for, but I know that we always go to the flea market when there is something that we want to buy but don't feel like paying the real money for. And just like on The Block in B-more, there are barkers. An example is one we heard for someone selling dog food. Keep in mind that in B-more accent, "dog" is pronounced "duug"; like "Doug" with a hard u.
"Dog food and cat food! Dog food and cat food! I got the dog food, you need the cat food!
Dog food and cat food! Dog food and cat food! I got the cat food, you need the dog food!"
But the one that is engrained in the brain is the one about being prepared. I wish I would have known this lesson from years back. **rolling eyes**
There was a man-woman team selling big tee shirts. Now, all last summer and most of the year, these huge, arm-covering, long-enough-to-be-a-skirt tee shirts were the thing. If you wore any color besides white or black, you were considered soft. So, these 2 are selling big tee shirts. Good price too.
Man: Big tee shurts! Big tee shurts! 1 fo 10, 2 fo 15! Big tee shurts! Big tee shurts!
Woman: Get them big tee shirts right here! Wear 'em anytime! Last night I wore my big tee shirt, this mo'ning when I woke up, I was prepared!"
Huh?????! Wtf.....How the fu....? What the hell does a big tee shirt have to do with being prepared??? I was blown!
So, ever since then, whenever I'm ready for something, I always say "I got my big tee shirt on. I'm prepared!" And no, I do not and never intend to own or wear a big tee shirt.
Me and Darkness were walking thru B-more's flea market. For you West Coasters thats the equivalent of a swap shop. I forgot what we were looking for, but I know that we always go to the flea market when there is something that we want to buy but don't feel like paying the real money for. And just like on The Block in B-more, there are barkers. An example is one we heard for someone selling dog food. Keep in mind that in B-more accent, "dog" is pronounced "duug"; like "Doug" with a hard u.
"Dog food and cat food! Dog food and cat food! I got the dog food, you need the cat food!
Dog food and cat food! Dog food and cat food! I got the cat food, you need the dog food!"
But the one that is engrained in the brain is the one about being prepared. I wish I would have known this lesson from years back. **rolling eyes**
There was a man-woman team selling big tee shirts. Now, all last summer and most of the year, these huge, arm-covering, long-enough-to-be-a-skirt tee shirts were the thing. If you wore any color besides white or black, you were considered soft. So, these 2 are selling big tee shirts. Good price too.
Man: Big tee shurts! Big tee shurts! 1 fo 10, 2 fo 15! Big tee shurts! Big tee shurts!
Woman: Get them big tee shirts right here! Wear 'em anytime! Last night I wore my big tee shirt, this mo'ning when I woke up, I was prepared!"
Huh?????! Wtf.....How the fu....? What the hell does a big tee shirt have to do with being prepared??? I was blown!
So, ever since then, whenever I'm ready for something, I always say "I got my big tee shirt on. I'm prepared!" And no, I do not and never intend to own or wear a big tee shirt.
Clusterf&$k
I have NO idea how people go thru so much crap to work for a municipality. I work for PG County Schools and I have changed positions. Now, already on file they have my SS #, college transcript, and 3 letters of reccomendation. Why come I have to bring in a copy of my SS card, 3 more letters of recommendation, copy of my drivers license, AND a copy of my gad-damn high school transcript??!? Yes, they have my COLLEGE transcript which 9.9999 times out of 10 proceeds and has the pre-requisite of attending and graduating high school. WTF??? It took me all day to gather that and STILL the bitch wouldn't accept it. Why? Because according to her, I missed the deadline for accepting criteria by 2 hours. I took off a day of work to get all that shit and she still wouldn't take it because of 2 hours delay. Mother bitcher....
2 days ago I got a call from an old friend from high school and beyond. We will call her StopDontDoThat because that's what she told me pretty much everytime I saw her. I told her there is only one of 3 reasons why she was calling me:
1.) She found the Lord and wanted to help me find him.
2.) She selling one of them gad-damn pyramids shits.
3.) She wants some dizzat from way back.
Her reply was "well, you got me because Bible study is every Wednesday and you are welcome to join, and my daughter IS selling Girl Scout cookies so what do you want to order?
Smart-ass. Note there was no reference to the dizzat. Cute.
My ass is hot sitting in this chair. Not because I got a hot ass, but because the middle of it is broken so the only support is on the outside. If I don't sit a certain way, my cheeks get spread therefore making the crack hot. Amazing....why anyone would let something get stuck up their ass is beyond me.
As for my new job....a lot more quieter than the other knucklehead school. I can't see anything interesting happening, but just in case here is the cast of characters:
DMoney- Reading teacher...free-spirit, my personal favortite.
Suge- if you saw this kat on the street and found out he was teaching your children, you would either pull them out of school or applaude. BIG dude, always has a look on his face of "mutha fucka don't you know I kill you???" Perfect for this school. Probably better suited for the high school.
TheseChildren: Every sentence starts off with "These children....". That's all I know about her. Today is her second day here.
Chris-Styles (pronounced 'criss-STALS!') I have never...ever, EVER seen a white man read Jet magazine. Had the magazine flipped all side-ways and shit..."Beauty of the Week, huh?"
"hehehhe....yeah...."
HubbaBubba- The most square peg of the bunch. Likes camping, canoeing, crew, bungying jumping and shit.....the only way that teaching here and any of that other stuff matches is because its adventurous. Buddy-buddy with AwwHellnaw! (to be introduced below) My guess as to be the first to say fuck it and roll out.
WasntMe- The enigma of the bunch. Doesn't mesh well with the others. Probably due to age and experience differences. Very difficult to talk to. You can mention slave-labor in reference to the job, but he will call you on that as to not being an accurate description. Cynical of the system, but not himself. SHould be some good bloggin'
WhatDidHeSay?- Between his accent and soft-spoken tone, he always has to repeat himself. Will end up being the kids doormat, but he from the rough-side of the Earth (Africa) so he can handle it.
AwwHellNaw!- I don't know her that well but our first convo went like this:
Me: Damn. Should I leave that computer here or put it somewhere else?
AwwHellNaw!: You can put it over there...no...leave it right there on the desk because if one of those kids touches that computer, I'm going to be like "what? uh uh! Aww hell no! Sit your butt down touching my stuff!"
more teachers to come as they are trying to fill English and Math assignments.
2 days ago I got a call from an old friend from high school and beyond. We will call her StopDontDoThat because that's what she told me pretty much everytime I saw her. I told her there is only one of 3 reasons why she was calling me:
1.) She found the Lord and wanted to help me find him.
2.) She selling one of them gad-damn pyramids shits.
3.) She wants some dizzat from way back.
Her reply was "well, you got me because Bible study is every Wednesday and you are welcome to join, and my daughter IS selling Girl Scout cookies so what do you want to order?
Smart-ass. Note there was no reference to the dizzat. Cute.
My ass is hot sitting in this chair. Not because I got a hot ass, but because the middle of it is broken so the only support is on the outside. If I don't sit a certain way, my cheeks get spread therefore making the crack hot. Amazing....why anyone would let something get stuck up their ass is beyond me.
As for my new job....a lot more quieter than the other knucklehead school. I can't see anything interesting happening, but just in case here is the cast of characters:
DMoney- Reading teacher...free-spirit, my personal favortite.
Suge- if you saw this kat on the street and found out he was teaching your children, you would either pull them out of school or applaude. BIG dude, always has a look on his face of "mutha fucka don't you know I kill you???" Perfect for this school. Probably better suited for the high school.
TheseChildren: Every sentence starts off with "These children....". That's all I know about her. Today is her second day here.
Chris-Styles (pronounced 'criss-STALS!') I have never...ever, EVER seen a white man read Jet magazine. Had the magazine flipped all side-ways and shit..."Beauty of the Week, huh?"
"hehehhe....yeah...."
HubbaBubba- The most square peg of the bunch. Likes camping, canoeing, crew, bungying jumping and shit.....the only way that teaching here and any of that other stuff matches is because its adventurous. Buddy-buddy with AwwHellnaw! (to be introduced below) My guess as to be the first to say fuck it and roll out.
WasntMe- The enigma of the bunch. Doesn't mesh well with the others. Probably due to age and experience differences. Very difficult to talk to. You can mention slave-labor in reference to the job, but he will call you on that as to not being an accurate description. Cynical of the system, but not himself. SHould be some good bloggin'
WhatDidHeSay?- Between his accent and soft-spoken tone, he always has to repeat himself. Will end up being the kids doormat, but he from the rough-side of the Earth (Africa) so he can handle it.
AwwHellNaw!- I don't know her that well but our first convo went like this:
Me: Damn. Should I leave that computer here or put it somewhere else?
AwwHellNaw!: You can put it over there...no...leave it right there on the desk because if one of those kids touches that computer, I'm going to be like "what? uh uh! Aww hell no! Sit your butt down touching my stuff!"
more teachers to come as they are trying to fill English and Math assignments.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Abandoned Blogs
I am very happy that I am starting to get some traffic to this site. I'm swelled with pride that people are starting to come to this site just to read me "talking shit". However, I am mad salty at the following bloggers: Blondie, LL, and CaramelCutie. You ladies are making ME look bad because I have you linked on my damn page! Since none of you even come to this site, I can really talk shit about you. Blondie, I TOLD YO ass you wouldn't be a good blogger. Your focus is on so many other things. I was surprised that you didn't get take some of those erotic stories and put it in your blog entry. Real easy.
CaramelCutie....you started off SOOOO strong too! Good stuff. Now you don't blog, read blogs or even write in your journal because its "too much work". If you weren't so busy being a damn pimptress, you MIGHT get something done damnit!
Finally, LL. Girl you is trife. Here go the email she sent me (paraphrased) "That is so cool that you do that! I think I'm going to start one too!" One month and one entry later, not a damn thing new. As a matter of fact, where the hell are you anyway?
So I'm deleting your links. Nothing personal, but why cue people to pages or that are sitting in the Internet graveyard. You 3 are wonderful women, but you're shitty bloggers. Blondie, stick to the stories. CaramelCutie, go to your state office and register your business. Not sure if pimpin' menz is legal in South Carolina, but don't let the tax man take your money. LL, don't even bother. Just send me a message via carrier pigeon or something.
Alright, I'm done.
Peace
CaramelCutie....you started off SOOOO strong too! Good stuff. Now you don't blog, read blogs or even write in your journal because its "too much work". If you weren't so busy being a damn pimptress, you MIGHT get something done damnit!
Finally, LL. Girl you is trife. Here go the email she sent me (paraphrased) "That is so cool that you do that! I think I'm going to start one too!" One month and one entry later, not a damn thing new. As a matter of fact, where the hell are you anyway?
So I'm deleting your links. Nothing personal, but why cue people to pages or that are sitting in the Internet graveyard. You 3 are wonderful women, but you're shitty bloggers. Blondie, stick to the stories. CaramelCutie, go to your state office and register your business. Not sure if pimpin' menz is legal in South Carolina, but don't let the tax man take your money. LL, don't even bother. Just send me a message via carrier pigeon or something.
Alright, I'm done.
Peace
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Introducing Weepa!
Weepa! is a friend I met 4 years ago on a community website. Stereotypes are a bad thing, but she is without question a stereotypical Nuyorican. She's never been to Puerto Rico, but she has the accent and mannerisms of a boricua who just stepped foot into the JFK concourse from JetBlue's 1273 Flight from San Juan. At the same time, she has the toughness and swagger of a Brooklyn woman born and bred. She is also a strong, loving, and encouraging woman particularly to the ones she holds dear to her heart. Since she is not particularly fond of my birth name, I am affectionately known to her as Ric (Reek). I hadn't talked to her in a while so I called her yesterday. Here is the convo. Feel free to use your Puerto Rican accent freely.
Ric: What's up Boo?? How you been? I haven't talked to you in a minute.
Weepa!: What's up Ric. I been with the ONLY headache all week.
Ric: Oh Boo, I'm sorry to hear that.
Weepa!: Yeah, I'm going to the doctors on Friday. I just haven't felt like being bothered, Ric. Between this fucken headache and this nigga behind me, I just don't feel like being bothered.
Ric: Oh? Who is this?
Weepa!: This nigga I met on (community site). Ric, when I first met him he was cool. Then I gave him my number and he been like bubblegum ever since, shit. He a friend of Lily's and when he around me and her, he don't say shit. But when we chatting or on the phone, he like a little puppy.
Ric: Hehehehe...oh yeah? Where he live?
Weepa!: He lives on the same block, Ric!
Ric: (laughing) What? That's crazy.
Weepa!: Yeah, and this nigga is a trip!
Ric: Sounds like it.
Weepa!: This nigga is a trip. You know me and ShyShy (alias for her daughter) went up to his apartment one day.
Ric: Oh yeah?
Weepa!: Yeah. Ric...we go into his apartment...all Batman.
Ric: (giggling) What?
Weepa!: Yeah man. Front wall, Batman. Back wall, Batman. Side wall, Batman. He got Batman-mobile, Batman plane, Batman whateva. I looked around and said to myself "Que te pasa papito? You a child stuck in a man!"
Ric: (laughing for real now) You lying like shit. For real?
Weepa!: For real, Ric I'm serious! (laugh) The mutha fucka got everything Batman, X-Man, Spawn. He showed me his bedroom. Spawn. Spawn EVERY fucken where! I said oh shit are you for real?? This place is off the hook!
Ric: (crying laughing) Awww! Now I know you lying Boo.
Weepa!: No Ric, I'm serious! Spawn all over the place in his bedroom. I told him "what do you tell your girlfriend? You got a Catgirl suit for her?"
(we both laugh)
Weepa!: This nigga is off the hook. I can't fuck with no shit like that. What do I look like going with some man with X-Manz, Batmanz, and Spawnz all over the place? Shit! Fuuuuuck dat! No thank you! ShyShy was like"Ma. Can we get outta here? This place is close on me."
Ric: (still crying laughing) Oh man! Poor baby. This kat is stuck on 6th grade!
Weepa!: Oh hold on Ric. That was AFTER we came from Toy R Us.
Ric: Oh yeah? Why y'all go there?
Weepa!: I asked him to take me and ShyShy to Toys R Us to get some DVD Now's for her. When we got there, I was looking at the rack for stuff for ShyShy. When I looked over, the whole rack, Ric....the whole rack of Batman shit was gone.
Ric: Huh? What happened?
Weepa!: The mutha fucka put all that shit into the cart! All Batman shit!
Ric: (laughing) Oh shit!
Weepa!: Yeah Ric. That shit came to $99. $99 of Batman shit. I was like what the fuck?
Ric: Oh wow. He sound like he got some issues.
Weepa!: Oh Yeah! (laughing) But that's not all Ric. I told you he been like bubblegum. He been sending me poems and songs and shit.
Ric: Get the fuck outta here, girl.
Weepa!: Yeah Ric.
Next blog entry: Juan writes the songs that makes the whole world sing.......
Thursday, January 27, 2005
It Must Be True......
.....I must be gay. The simple fact that people don't see me walking around holding my dizzack and calling women bitches and talking like I open a book every now and then make me queer. Hmmmm....also that I have long hair that when it is touched up is shiny because of the grade of of my hair. Yeah, I guess that's it. I guess I'll go down to the Blue Oyster for happy hour now that I've been told what the deal is.
yeah right. People in this county can be so retarded.
That's my rant for the week and since I haven't blogged or had anything really good to blog about I'll give you my week thus far in review.
Mon: Before I get to my personal stuff, this was in the news Monday. Seems like the assistant super-intendant of the PG County school system wanted to supplement her income. Now, here we are in the trenches dealing with low pay, antiquated equipment and low appreciation and she comes in and sets such a shining example as a black woman in an executive position in the richest county of Black people in America. Even more trifling? This 103K/year, 2 home-having bitch was released from jail later that day by her court-appointed lawyer. WTF type shit is that?!?! All that loot, all that traficking, and you can't get a lawyer? You humiliate the entire School Board and its employees and WE have to pay for YOUR lawyer??? Wait 'til I find out where this bitch lives.
Now back to me. I was mad depressed that day. Serious financial issues and no immediate solution for that problem. No one could make me feel better except for the least likely person; my Offspring. He came to me and said "Daddy, you having a bad day?" I replied yes and noticed how he took the remainder of the evening to gently distance himself from me until he could wait no longer to say "Uh...I'm hungry."
"O.k. What do you want to eat?"
"Ummm..I can make some cereal."
"No, you need to eat some food. Let's go see what you got."
We went downstairs and found the only unfrozen items in the kitchen, pancakes. With my assisted supervision, I taught him how to mix the batter, pour it in the hot pan, and flip the pancakes. So, he cooked himself some pancakes. As basic as it sounds, it was one of our more endearing moments. It's one of those times where you are thankful for bringing that child into the world. Not only because the child can experience life and the world, but the fact that maybe, just maybe....he/she will love you back.
Tues: I took the Gregorc Personality Test for work and concluded that I was a Concrete Random Personality. One who is imaginative, creative, laid back and disorganized. Of the 4 groups, each group had to come up with a slogan and theme song. Our group decided to sing our song. Guess who was nominated to sing it? RIIIIIGHT. It turned out to be a rendition of Frank Sinatra's "I Did It My Way". Ours was "So Do It My Way". Man, I'm in the wrong profession!
Wed.: 1st day of class. Of course, I get there late and when its time for break, I get back from the break late too! I'm fucking up, man.....fucking up.....
Thurs: Dangerously quiet today. I'm being reassigned to another school so I may go over there for a visit. I definitely have to swing over there tomorrow. Update: They were looking for me to be over there today TOO. Ohhhh! how about you TELL a brotha these things and I will gladly accomodate. dayum!
Sat: Wine tasting event. I want to go, but of course, no date. Well, I could get a date but there are catches for each date. I could call AreYouGay, but why bother? I'm gay right? I could call Wisdom, but if I were lucky enough, she is all about missionary and missionary only. What fun is there in that? I could call AfroPuffs, but she is a NOTORIOUS underdresser. I'd be so afraid to go in there and she had on her bell-bottoms and shoes that are supposed to be tied but never are. Naw man....I don't think so. Not to a wine tasting junks. We can get a ma fucken beer, but uh...yeah. And I damn sure ain't going solo, so.....I guess I ain't going.
By Saturday I should have some updates. If not, leave me the hell alone. Grrrrr.
yeah right. People in this county can be so retarded.
That's my rant for the week and since I haven't blogged or had anything really good to blog about I'll give you my week thus far in review.
Mon: Before I get to my personal stuff, this was in the news Monday. Seems like the assistant super-intendant of the PG County school system wanted to supplement her income. Now, here we are in the trenches dealing with low pay, antiquated equipment and low appreciation and she comes in and sets such a shining example as a black woman in an executive position in the richest county of Black people in America. Even more trifling? This 103K/year, 2 home-having bitch was released from jail later that day by her court-appointed lawyer. WTF type shit is that?!?! All that loot, all that traficking, and you can't get a lawyer? You humiliate the entire School Board and its employees and WE have to pay for YOUR lawyer??? Wait 'til I find out where this bitch lives.
Now back to me. I was mad depressed that day. Serious financial issues and no immediate solution for that problem. No one could make me feel better except for the least likely person; my Offspring. He came to me and said "Daddy, you having a bad day?" I replied yes and noticed how he took the remainder of the evening to gently distance himself from me until he could wait no longer to say "Uh...I'm hungry."
"O.k. What do you want to eat?"
"Ummm..I can make some cereal."
"No, you need to eat some food. Let's go see what you got."
We went downstairs and found the only unfrozen items in the kitchen, pancakes. With my assisted supervision, I taught him how to mix the batter, pour it in the hot pan, and flip the pancakes. So, he cooked himself some pancakes. As basic as it sounds, it was one of our more endearing moments. It's one of those times where you are thankful for bringing that child into the world. Not only because the child can experience life and the world, but the fact that maybe, just maybe....he/she will love you back.
Tues: I took the Gregorc Personality Test for work and concluded that I was a Concrete Random Personality. One who is imaginative, creative, laid back and disorganized. Of the 4 groups, each group had to come up with a slogan and theme song. Our group decided to sing our song. Guess who was nominated to sing it? RIIIIIGHT. It turned out to be a rendition of Frank Sinatra's "I Did It My Way". Ours was "So Do It My Way". Man, I'm in the wrong profession!
Wed.: 1st day of class. Of course, I get there late and when its time for break, I get back from the break late too! I'm fucking up, man.....fucking up.....
Thurs: Dangerously quiet today. I'm being reassigned to another school so I may go over there for a visit. I definitely have to swing over there tomorrow. Update: They were looking for me to be over there today TOO. Ohhhh! how about you TELL a brotha these things and I will gladly accomodate. dayum!
Sat: Wine tasting event. I want to go, but of course, no date. Well, I could get a date but there are catches for each date. I could call AreYouGay, but why bother? I'm gay right? I could call Wisdom, but if I were lucky enough, she is all about missionary and missionary only. What fun is there in that? I could call AfroPuffs, but she is a NOTORIOUS underdresser. I'd be so afraid to go in there and she had on her bell-bottoms and shoes that are supposed to be tied but never are. Naw man....I don't think so. Not to a wine tasting junks. We can get a ma fucken beer, but uh...yeah. And I damn sure ain't going solo, so.....I guess I ain't going.
By Saturday I should have some updates. If not, leave me the hell alone. Grrrrr.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Apology to the Fans
I know I don't have any true "fans", but I do realize there are about 3 of you out there who read this blog religiously. To you 3, I apologize for my lack of blogging. My employer has been earning their minimum wage from me and school is about to start as well. So from here until early May, my blog entries will probably only be once a week as opposed to 2 to 3 times a week. The good thing is that I now consider myself a seasoned blogger so when there is time to blog I know how to do so more efficiently.
So bare with me people. I have archives you can always check out and you should check out these bloggers in particular: KC, WebmasterMama, the prolific Zulu,and the chic with the long ass blog name that I can't pronounce. She naaaaasty. LOL
I'll have a story for you kats in a little while. Peace.
Brother Kojak
So bare with me people. I have archives you can always check out and you should check out these bloggers in particular: KC, WebmasterMama, the prolific Zulu,and the chic with the long ass blog name that I can't pronounce. She naaaaasty. LOL
I'll have a story for you kats in a little while. Peace.
Brother Kojak
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Little Known Fact
Good morning, ladies. I am addressing the ladies only fellas because you may not want to read this entry beyond this point. Why? Because this is about dizzack. If you have no knowledge about your dizzack, I HIGHLY suggest you revisit your childhood pediatrician with daddy in the room. Please make sure you ask either one of them "What dat?" and "What dis for, daddy?"
But anyway ladies, let me give you a little background. I am very dark-skinned. My cousin's name is Brother Darkness, but I'm actually darker than he is as proven photographically by my friend PrettyPussy(Cat). One thing that is a must for us dark brothas (especially in the winter-time) is above average hygiene in the dizzack area. Now, I KEEP my joints clean. What I'm referring to is the accursed ash. Yes, ash. Not ash tree, not ash tray, but the dry skin accumulation that make your ankles looks like you've been kicking flour when you don't hit that lotion. One thing that I have to do after every shower is get dressed and THEN lube up. I get dressed first because you can't lube up right after a shower, the effect is not as good. You have to have your pants and draws on, unfasten the pants and stick your hand down your pants with a handful of lotion. It doesn't matter what scent, color or even quality just as long as its lotion.
Now you may ask yourself "Brother Kojak, WHY is that so important?". I'll tell you with concocted fantasy:
You are at your desk working having the most boring work day of your life. Your cubicle neighbor is telling you all about how her first born son Charlie is doing all kinds of miraculous things like farting and shitting mustard colored turds. And of course, the email pics from her keep coming; "Charlie and Grandpa-pa" "Charlie and the neighbor" "Charlie and the ferret". Your boyfriend is acting like a bitch because his mother didn't send him any apple crumb pie for his birthday. "I wonder what Brother Kojak is up to?" you ask yourself.
So you call me....
Me: Hello?
You: Hey! How you doing?
Me: Hey girl. I'm str8. How have you been?
You: Bored as hell. Its just been one of those weeks.
Me: I feel you. So what do I owe the pleasure of your call?
You: Oh, nothing. Just wanted to see what you were doing this week.
Me: Hmmm....its winter-time. Its too cold to be out there.
You: Oh, that's too bad.
Me: Is it?
You: Yeah because we haven't hung out in a while.
Me: Well, I tell you what...you come thru and we'll play it by ear from there.
You: Well....ok.
Me: Don't worry. It won't be a wasted trip.
You: **smile** Yeah, whatever!
So you parlay over to Brother Kojak's crib. He's good company. Talkative. Funny. Easy on the eyes. Not that you want to get AT HIM; you have a boyfriend, but him being decent-looking makes it easier to tolerate a long convo. You arrive to him opening the door and your nostrils get filled with the fresh aroma of some kind of herbal tea. "Girl, get in here! Its cold out there. I ain't going nowhere shit! And we can have warm drinks right here." You laughed step in and hand him your coat. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice him scan you up and down. "Some things never change" you say to yourself. The 2 of you sit on the couch and begin a conversation that spans the range of politics au lait to family members who need mental therapy. Regardless of the conversation, he keeps scanning your body and its actually starting to turn your on. He talks softer as if to lure you closer so that you can hear him. Before you know it, the 2 of you are engrossed in long, naughty kisses and roaming hands. He leans back with a subtle gesture to unfasten his pants. You oblige. First the belt buckle. Then the pants button. Then the zipper. And then, with a coy smile you reach into his pants and pull out the firm, phallic appendage. The smile disappears and your jaw slightly drops.
"Uh oh..."
"Oh my..."
"What the....?"
You look down, and the dizzack is dotted with large spots of chalky ash. You pretend to caress it, but what you are really doing is examining it. "Dayum! What the f(*&?!?!" On the tip, the skin is layered and cracked. And as you stroke it, you here a soft "szszszs" sound.
The spontaneity, the magic.....is officially over.
You: I can't do this.
Me: Huh? What's wrong?
You: I feel...so guilty. I have a man, I shouldn't be here, not like this.
Me: But how you get to changing your mind NOW??
You: I'm sorry Brother Kojak. I just can't...I better be going..."
Me: **shaking head** Damn.
So, a brotha has GOT to do his maintenance. Brush dem teef, wash the vitals, and stay lubed. I would assume that a sick-looking dizzack is very unattractive. Whether it is or not, I GOT my Big Tee Shirt. I'm prepared! (long story) I refuse to get caught like that. There is a thing of lotion in my room and even a Dollar General brand in the car. Fellas, if you still with me, heed my advice. God forbid she put you out there in the streets about the ashiness. Don't let it happen to you. Imitating Ashy Larry ain't cool and it ain't wise. Now go handle that....
But anyway ladies, let me give you a little background. I am very dark-skinned. My cousin's name is Brother Darkness, but I'm actually darker than he is as proven photographically by my friend PrettyPussy(Cat). One thing that is a must for us dark brothas (especially in the winter-time) is above average hygiene in the dizzack area. Now, I KEEP my joints clean. What I'm referring to is the accursed ash. Yes, ash. Not ash tree, not ash tray, but the dry skin accumulation that make your ankles looks like you've been kicking flour when you don't hit that lotion. One thing that I have to do after every shower is get dressed and THEN lube up. I get dressed first because you can't lube up right after a shower, the effect is not as good. You have to have your pants and draws on, unfasten the pants and stick your hand down your pants with a handful of lotion. It doesn't matter what scent, color or even quality just as long as its lotion.
Now you may ask yourself "Brother Kojak, WHY is that so important?". I'll tell you with concocted fantasy:
You are at your desk working having the most boring work day of your life. Your cubicle neighbor is telling you all about how her first born son Charlie is doing all kinds of miraculous things like farting and shitting mustard colored turds. And of course, the email pics from her keep coming; "Charlie and Grandpa-pa" "Charlie and the neighbor" "Charlie and the ferret". Your boyfriend is acting like a bitch because his mother didn't send him any apple crumb pie for his birthday. "I wonder what Brother Kojak is up to?" you ask yourself.
So you call me....
Me: Hello?
You: Hey! How you doing?
Me: Hey girl. I'm str8. How have you been?
You: Bored as hell. Its just been one of those weeks.
Me: I feel you. So what do I owe the pleasure of your call?
You: Oh, nothing. Just wanted to see what you were doing this week.
Me: Hmmm....its winter-time. Its too cold to be out there.
You: Oh, that's too bad.
Me: Is it?
You: Yeah because we haven't hung out in a while.
Me: Well, I tell you what...you come thru and we'll play it by ear from there.
You: Well....ok.
Me: Don't worry. It won't be a wasted trip.
You: **smile** Yeah, whatever!
So you parlay over to Brother Kojak's crib. He's good company. Talkative. Funny. Easy on the eyes. Not that you want to get AT HIM; you have a boyfriend, but him being decent-looking makes it easier to tolerate a long convo. You arrive to him opening the door and your nostrils get filled with the fresh aroma of some kind of herbal tea. "Girl, get in here! Its cold out there. I ain't going nowhere shit! And we can have warm drinks right here." You laughed step in and hand him your coat. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice him scan you up and down. "Some things never change" you say to yourself. The 2 of you sit on the couch and begin a conversation that spans the range of politics au lait to family members who need mental therapy. Regardless of the conversation, he keeps scanning your body and its actually starting to turn your on. He talks softer as if to lure you closer so that you can hear him. Before you know it, the 2 of you are engrossed in long, naughty kisses and roaming hands. He leans back with a subtle gesture to unfasten his pants. You oblige. First the belt buckle. Then the pants button. Then the zipper. And then, with a coy smile you reach into his pants and pull out the firm, phallic appendage. The smile disappears and your jaw slightly drops.
"Uh oh..."
"Oh my..."
"What the....?"
You look down, and the dizzack is dotted with large spots of chalky ash. You pretend to caress it, but what you are really doing is examining it. "Dayum! What the f(*&?!?!" On the tip, the skin is layered and cracked. And as you stroke it, you here a soft "szszszs" sound.
The spontaneity, the magic.....is officially over.
You: I can't do this.
Me: Huh? What's wrong?
You: I feel...so guilty. I have a man, I shouldn't be here, not like this.
Me: But how you get to changing your mind NOW??
You: I'm sorry Brother Kojak. I just can't...I better be going..."
Me: **shaking head** Damn.
So, a brotha has GOT to do his maintenance. Brush dem teef, wash the vitals, and stay lubed. I would assume that a sick-looking dizzack is very unattractive. Whether it is or not, I GOT my Big Tee Shirt. I'm prepared! (long story) I refuse to get caught like that. There is a thing of lotion in my room and even a Dollar General brand in the car. Fellas, if you still with me, heed my advice. God forbid she put you out there in the streets about the ashiness. Don't let it happen to you. Imitating Ashy Larry ain't cool and it ain't wise. Now go handle that....
Monday, January 17, 2005
Hommage
In an eariler blog entry, I discussed the argument between Brother Darkness and I about paying hommage to our childhood by watching Fat Albert. As some of you may or may not know, a movie was recently produced based on the 70's cartoon Fat Albert. Tonight we went to see that movie. I was accompanied by my mother and son; 3 generations familiar with the old school cartoon.
The movie began with a modern version of the cartoon and based on some issue of the main character, Fat Albert and the Gang enter into the real world. This impossibly made the movie ridiculous beyond any means. And to add insult to injury, the casting was poor at best. Men in their late 20's and early 30's were cast as the Cosby Kids; Mushmouth had mtits (man tits) and Fat Albert had razor bumps. Storyline-wise, there was a love interest for Fat Albert, a sexy young boricua. Hmmmm....how did that happen?
The silver lining of the movie is that it paid hommage to itself. I'll try not to reveal too much of the ending, but as weak as the movie was, there was a reference to the creation of the the cartoon that linked to the Cosby Kids entering the real world. I'm glad I went sporting my old FUBU black and charcoal Fat Albert shirt with my son so that he could get an idea of what the cartoon meant to my childhood. Unfortunately, the movie didnt do that, but did provide a bridge from that era to the present day. So, no thanks to Bill Cosby's short-sightedness, the only way for my son to feel that Fat Albert vibe is to get that good box set.
(Hmm....maybe that was Cosby's idea in the first place, huh? Make a bad movie to make more money, sounds like a good idea to me!)
The movie began with a modern version of the cartoon and based on some issue of the main character, Fat Albert and the Gang enter into the real world. This impossibly made the movie ridiculous beyond any means. And to add insult to injury, the casting was poor at best. Men in their late 20's and early 30's were cast as the Cosby Kids; Mushmouth had mtits (man tits) and Fat Albert had razor bumps. Storyline-wise, there was a love interest for Fat Albert, a sexy young boricua. Hmmmm....how did that happen?
The silver lining of the movie is that it paid hommage to itself. I'll try not to reveal too much of the ending, but as weak as the movie was, there was a reference to the creation of the the cartoon that linked to the Cosby Kids entering the real world. I'm glad I went sporting my old FUBU black and charcoal Fat Albert shirt with my son so that he could get an idea of what the cartoon meant to my childhood. Unfortunately, the movie didnt do that, but did provide a bridge from that era to the present day. So, no thanks to Bill Cosby's short-sightedness, the only way for my son to feel that Fat Albert vibe is to get that good box set.
(Hmm....maybe that was Cosby's idea in the first place, huh? Make a bad movie to make more money, sounds like a good idea to me!)
Martin Luther the King!
Happy birthday, MLK! You've done a lot for this country and the world for that matter. Just proof that one person with vision and a strong conviction can make a diference. There is still hope....
Except when you are in the grocery store and they are playing the worst R&B song of all time: "Walking In Rhythm".
Walking in Rhythm
trying to move on
thinking 'bout my baby
trying to get home.
UGH. That is straight garbage. How the hell did that song make it in the Old School rotation? Whenever I envision them singing that song, I see 4 brothas with their hair slicked back, tiny litle mustaches, and black "Members Only" jackets. Just disturbing, man.
Back to MLK Day. One thing that Dr King touted and desired was the equality among all; but particularly between Blacks and Whites. Ever notice how white people reference people by using the first and last names? like "Who was that on the phone?"
"Mike Jeffers. He invited us over for dinner."
Whereas Black folks reference people based on a commonly know fact like "Who was that on the phone?"
" That was Mike."
"Mike who?"
"you know....Mike with the buck ass teeth. He invited us over for dinner."
There is never a last name always Tim the Barber, Theivin' Ass Dante, Tonya's Chris, etc.
Another subtle difference is our senses of direction. Whites have a tendency to be specific about direction. " They're south of here". For Blacks, its always "up there". "Is it cold up there? (even though the person of reference is further south,or maybe even west for that matter.)
Other culture differences:
Whites Blacks
funnel cake fried dough
running shoes tennis shoes
basketball shoes
etc
chopping block cutting board
Martin Luther Martin Luther "the" King
King Jr
Ok, the last one is a push, but I've heard it more than once. Regardless, let's keep the dream alive.
King Jr
Except when you are in the grocery store and they are playing the worst R&B song of all time: "Walking In Rhythm".
Walking in Rhythm
trying to move on
thinking 'bout my baby
trying to get home.
UGH. That is straight garbage. How the hell did that song make it in the Old School rotation? Whenever I envision them singing that song, I see 4 brothas with their hair slicked back, tiny litle mustaches, and black "Members Only" jackets. Just disturbing, man.
Back to MLK Day. One thing that Dr King touted and desired was the equality among all; but particularly between Blacks and Whites. Ever notice how white people reference people by using the first and last names? like "Who was that on the phone?"
"Mike Jeffers. He invited us over for dinner."
Whereas Black folks reference people based on a commonly know fact like "Who was that on the phone?"
" That was Mike."
"Mike who?"
"you know....Mike with the buck ass teeth. He invited us over for dinner."
There is never a last name always Tim the Barber, Theivin' Ass Dante, Tonya's Chris, etc.
Another subtle difference is our senses of direction. Whites have a tendency to be specific about direction. " They're south of here". For Blacks, its always "up there". "Is it cold up there? (even though the person of reference is further south,or maybe even west for that matter.)
Other culture differences:
Whites Blacks
funnel cake fried dough
running shoes tennis shoes
basketball shoes
etc
chopping block cutting board
Martin Luther Martin Luther "the" King
King Jr
Ok, the last one is a push, but I've heard it more than once. Regardless, let's keep the dream alive.
King Jr
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Is XM or Sirius the Answer?
Thursday morning I wake up, shower, get dressed and then climb into my car for the trek from the e-wife's house to to her job. (We still are cool....I think.) I turn the dial to my usual radio show and damnit it's format was changed! WHFS is now noventa nueve punto uno el Zol. The longtime alternative rock station with the Sports Junkies in the morning is now an all latino station. Now, in the big picture, this is great for Baltimore/DC region radio because the only other latino station was 92.1 which didnt get much of a signal except for in pockets of the region. The competition is needed. However, now the Junkies are back on their old station, but in a different time slot and on a DC only station. Damn. Now I have to go back to listening to typical "morning zoo" shows with a staff that usually consists of the main person (anchor, I guess), his/her counterpart, and a washed up comedian. Oh joy. Not to say that the Junkies weren't too different, but the sports emphasis gave it a testosterone kick I like. All my DC and B-more peeps out there; any suggestions? Has this happened to you with a radio station as well? This last time this happened to me was when Olivia Fox was fired from WKYS for reasons unknown. **Sigh** And what the hell is a "zol"?
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Addendum
Dumbest Thing Done Today: If I don't buy store bought water, I usually boil tap water and drink that. I did that tonite, but WHY did I just not get a fresh pot? I used the same pot I cooked vegetable medley in. And even though I washed it out really well, guess what the water tastes like? Yup.
Untitled
I apologize for being incog-negro, but I've had a rough couple of days. Unlike some other bloggers, I prefer to share my more festive times with my readers than the times when I'm struggling. Not to say that I'm struggling, but I've definitely had to keep the ship steady.
Quote of the week: "Hey, Tierra....I didn't know you went to church! Imma sit over there with you. I want to get hooked up with the Lord!"
New phrase: Phat Sophisticated Rascal. Noun. An upscale, woman of means who has the body of a woman raised on biscuits, whole milk, and collard greens. (Not together, of course, and DON'T forget about the madaroni and cheese.)
Ok...where did I get the PSR term from? Well, I live in the most affluent area of the country for Blacks, Prince Georges County. One measure of affluence is the number of Border's Books and Cafes in an area. In PG County, there are about 5. Anyway, I was sitting in the cafe sipping coffee (something else I will get back to later) and this sista walks in. Hmmm....I need a good analogy for this.....remember in The Flintstones when Cary Grantrock would walk and there was a slick little theme music in unison with his feet? Well, with this this sista there was this little rhythm going on in my head with a high-hat solo mixed with a Rakim sample. Whoa. And she was dressed impeccably with the nails manicured, wrinkless black top and bottom, subtle make-up, and the hairstyle was basic yet stylish. Needless to say I was impressed. And luckily, I had napkins at the table to catch the drool.
Now, back to the cafe. I've been living in that area for about 2 months now and it is soooooo different from B-more. The mannerism are so different; a lot of frontin' (we've covered this word already) name-dropping. In B-more, you can front all you want, but if we go to the same barbershop and dentist, you aint really claimin' shit. I seem to be acclimating well though; because instead of hanging at the barbershop or the strip club, my new favorite spot is the coffee cafe. In Black Baltimore, you hang out at the cafe, you are suspect. According to the sub-culture, the only ones that hangout at the cafe are gays and dorks. But I've come to notice the HUGE upside of hanging at the cafe.....potential clients and PSR's. I almost landed a client a few months ago just because I was there and doing my homework. Like they say, queer is folk, right?
Quote of the week: "Hey, Tierra....I didn't know you went to church! Imma sit over there with you. I want to get hooked up with the Lord!"
New phrase: Phat Sophisticated Rascal. Noun. An upscale, woman of means who has the body of a woman raised on biscuits, whole milk, and collard greens. (Not together, of course, and DON'T forget about the madaroni and cheese.)
Ok...where did I get the PSR term from? Well, I live in the most affluent area of the country for Blacks, Prince Georges County. One measure of affluence is the number of Border's Books and Cafes in an area. In PG County, there are about 5. Anyway, I was sitting in the cafe sipping coffee (something else I will get back to later) and this sista walks in. Hmmm....I need a good analogy for this.....remember in The Flintstones when Cary Grantrock would walk and there was a slick little theme music in unison with his feet? Well, with this this sista there was this little rhythm going on in my head with a high-hat solo mixed with a Rakim sample. Whoa. And she was dressed impeccably with the nails manicured, wrinkless black top and bottom, subtle make-up, and the hairstyle was basic yet stylish. Needless to say I was impressed. And luckily, I had napkins at the table to catch the drool.
Now, back to the cafe. I've been living in that area for about 2 months now and it is soooooo different from B-more. The mannerism are so different; a lot of frontin' (we've covered this word already) name-dropping. In B-more, you can front all you want, but if we go to the same barbershop and dentist, you aint really claimin' shit. I seem to be acclimating well though; because instead of hanging at the barbershop or the strip club, my new favorite spot is the coffee cafe. In Black Baltimore, you hang out at the cafe, you are suspect. According to the sub-culture, the only ones that hangout at the cafe are gays and dorks. But I've come to notice the HUGE upside of hanging at the cafe.....potential clients and PSR's. I almost landed a client a few months ago just because I was there and doing my homework. Like they say, queer is folk, right?
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