Monday, December 20, 2004

Another Great Shopping Experience at Wal-Mart

Samuel Walton intro
"I have a dream today....that white men, black men....Jews and gentiles, will all walk down the aisles of my store...shoulder to shoulder like brothers....

I have a dream that snotty nosed Arabic children will ride the bikes and sample all the merchandise through the store without adult supervision...

I have a DREAM, that big fat, black women will poke the shit out of unsuspecting short patrons from a full endcap away with their torpedoed like breasts....

And I have a dream today, blue-haired white ladies will hastily push their carts out the doors of my multi-acred stores and say "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!"

I don't Sam was thinking that when he drafted the mission statement for Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, that's what its become. I hate the place. Pissy service, loads of unprofessionalism, and no matter what the season, people flock to it like flies on a turd.

I went because my estranged wife wanted a new cell phone and we transfer the number from my account to a new one for her. We get in there, colored folks everywhere. Standing in line with baskets full of stuff. We squeeze our way towards the rear of the store where the cell phone counter is. We wait....and wait.....
"Oh. He aint back there now. But I'll have him paged."
So when he arrives, I think "wtf. What is Lil' John's cousin Broke Tim doing here?" Thats cruel right? Yeah right....this kat was a nice guy, but had dreds that were banged up and these weird silver caps on his teeth that had designs on them. Then his boy comes thru. Now, I KNOW Sam had a dress code: "Don't look like a jackass." I think that was the only line in the dress code policy...yea, that's it. Don't look like a jackass.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Violation on Aisle Mutha Fuckin' 3! THIS....uh....damn. I wanna say the word but I KNOW some people would get offended. ok..let me start over......

THIS mu fucka has a hat on backwards, a big ass jersey that his fat uncle Chester could wear under his Wal-Mart smock jeans hangin' way off his ass (even though he had a belt on), a pair of Tims, and of course, gold teeth.
unemployed for over a year....but kats working here with jeans off the ass and metallic teeth. Like Frank said "That's Life!"

Finally, Broke Tim begins the transaction. All is going well until SteamRoller comes thru with his boy. The name will make sense shortly. SteamRoller wants a phone and Broke Tim aint having it. He knows something is awry. SteamRoller is put on ig. I wondered why until....

Sorry y'all but now it is time for your slang lesson. Dont worry, it ALL ties in. Now. Our vocabulary word of the day is hot.

hot: 1.) a term used to describe a stolen item 2.) term used to describe something new and good, well-recieved 3.) term used to describe something steamy, unappealling and poignant.

......until I realized that Broke Tim was on to something. He detected something in body language from SteamRoller, I didnt. What I detected was his hot ass breath (see definition). The more he talked, the more I realized this kat had had some issues earlier in the day. It was so bad he would say something and my stomach would answer before my mouth would. (shit! I was scared to OPEN my mouth! eeew!)

SteamRoller: Yeah, I heard T-Mobile is the jone't!

MyStomach: waaaaoooowaa

SteamRoller: Is dis da phone y'all gettin'? Dat look aight!

MyStomach: woooowawoooooooooooo!

Man....fuck this. Thats why I need to go over here and look this here gospel . Must be a sign that I need the Lord.

We thought all was well after we left, but apparently our son walked out of Wal-Mart with a Po (Teletubbies) plushy. We went off. He cried and cried and cried. He has to confront the manager and write a letter of apology. That damn Wal-Mart. Even got my son doing trifling shit.

1 comment:

Blonde Ambition said... some small defense of wasn't made for a group of upper class people for cryin out loud! Ole Sam wanted to provide a place that us middle class people could obtain affordable merchandise. But, the place has degenerated into a place for strange people to socialize and hang out. I won't even get into the town cross-dresser that frequents ours. I happen to like Walmart. But I also happen to HATE Walmart during Halloween and Christmas...I hate steppin over shit in the aisles..I hate people runnin me down with their carts. Unfortunately my urge to save some money, or at least get more for my money, wins out.