Monday, June 13, 2005

Ghetto Smurfs

I wasn't smokin' weed or nothing today, but what if there was a Ghetto Smurfs cartoon? Here is the character breakdown:

Papa Smurf: the pimp, the loan shark, and just like on the current cartoon, the one that everybody goes to for advice.

RandomSmurf: Papa Smurf, I be havin' problems, dog.
PapaSmurf: What the deal?
RandomSmurf: Yo, it's my girl, dog. She be stealin' money and shit out my wallet while I be sleep.
PapaSmurf: Wait 'til the bitch is sleep and shit. Then you gently put some handcuffs on her and handcuff dat ass to the bed. Wake her ass up with a slap and say "Keep stealin' ma shit now, bitch!"
RandomSmurf: oh word?
PapaSmurf: Yeah. Handle that shit.

CookySmurf: This is the kat who got a "catering" business on the side, but we all know the only thing he got locked down is his convenience store.

RandomSmurf: **entering the store with his smurfs** Hey Cook-kay! What the deal son?
CookySmurf: Ain’t nuthin’. Wassup?
RandomSmurf: Hey yo, yo, yo, yo….check this out, check this out, check this out….Me and my girl, right? We got into it, right? And when we was arguing, she was like, “don’t you…”
CookySmurf: Mutha fucka, get to the damn point.
RandomSmurf: Aight, aight! What I’m sayin’ is , that she was dippin’ in my loot and shit, man. She got a nigga ALL twisted!
CookySmurf: **picking up a cleaver** You stupid mutha fucka! I’m about to bust yo ass up in here!
RandomSmurf: **backing out** Hold up, dog. Hold up. Can I get a soda before I go?
CookySmurf: Go ma fucka! Get the fuck outta here!
RandomSmurf: How about a thing of papers?
CookySmurf: Go!

TrickSmurf: This is Smurfette gone bad. She’d do anything for a dollar, wears her hair a different color every week, and zero couth.

TrickSmurf: **singing, entering store** Cooooook-keeey! Oh Cooooook-keeey!
CookySmurf: What up girl. What you need.
TrickSmurf: Oh Cooky, I got problems baby.
CookySmurf: Oh yeah? Tell Cooky all about it.
TrickSmurf: Well, PapaSmurf was over my crib the other day and he be trippin’! He trying to evicted me!
CookySmurf: Evict?? Why baby?
TrickSmurf: I’m late on my shit, baby. **approaching sensuously** You think you can help me out, boo?
CookySmurf: How?
TrickSmurf: You can….cover me and get PapaSmurf off my back.
CookySmurf: Oh! So you want me to go ahead and pay that shit, huh?
TrickSmurf: Well if you offering baby….
CookySmurf: yeah, I’m offering. But you know I gotta be reciprocated.
TrickSmurf: Oh yeah? What?
CookySmurf: **smile** You gotta toss my smurf.
TrickSmurf: WHAT?
CookySmurf: You heard me….. You gotta toss my smurf.
TrickSmurf: I don’t know about all that….
CookySmurf: Then I don’t know all about paying that shit then.
TrickSmurf: Aight. Come on. **leading him to the back of the store**

HandySmurf: He would be the kat always fixin' something, except ghetto style. For those of y'all who don't know what that means, he'd be the hood car mechanic, plumber, ac repair man, etc.

TrickSmurf: Handy when you comin' thru.
HandySmurf: Oh, you done changed your mind, huh? **wink**
TrickSmurf: **sucking teeth, rolling eyes, with hand on hips** You NEEDS to stop trippin'. I need yo ass to come thru and fix dat plumbin' in my mushroom. There's water all over the kitchen.
HandySmurf: gonna give me some of dat ass?
TrickSmurf: Handy! What you think this is?? You supposed to be looking out for a sista! Fuck you! Ain't nobody thinking about your little dried up, crusty blue dick.
HandySmurf: Funny you ain't say that to CookySmurf last Friday.
TrickSmurf: **walking away** Fuck you.

BlubianSmurf: This smurf is the ghetto version of Brainy Smurf, knows everything but don’t know a damn thing. And always using words he doesn’t know the meaning of.

**BlubianSmurf approaches Jonin’Smurf and his girl, BoricuaSmurf**
BoricuaSmurf: **whispering, but still loud as shit** Oh chit. Here comes dat fuckin’ Blub’an Smurf. He make me sick.
BlubianSmurf: No need to be disarrayed, my blubian sister. I’ve just come to drop that knowledge on you and your sun* so that the 2 of you may prosper in this white man’s wilderness.
Jonin’Smurf: What you know good, Blubian?
BlubianSmurf: Well my azure brother, last night I was reading Smurf X and he said we need to fight the powers that be. The white devil.
BoricuaSmurf: **hands on hips popping gum** ‘old up, ‘old up. Lemmie get dis straight, ok? You tellin’ me that we need to fight the white devil, right?
BlubianSmurf: That is right, sweet pearl of the Smurf Nile.
BoricuaSmurf: **Rolling eyes** What-eva. So tell me, Blu, who da fuck is dis white devil?
Jonin’Smurf : **snickering**
BlubianSmurf: My sister, you know as well as well as I do who that is.
Jonin’Smurf: Gargamelle Mel?
BlubianSmurf: Bursitis-ly, my brother!
**both looking at each other**
BoricuaSmurf: Ok, first of all? Gargamelle Mel is a fockin’ drunk who can’t see his dick if he was pissin’ on hisself. An’ dee ova thing, why jew always talkin’ like dat? What da fock?
BlubianSmurf: First of all sister you should read Smurf X yourself because then you would know that he said that a person who uses propanity does NOT know the real way to express himself. And the words of Smurf X provide knowledge of self. A…..gate for looking into one’s 3rd Eye Blind.
BoricuaSmurf: What-eva! You be buggin’.
Jonin’Smurf: **snickering** Yeah, yo mama so mad at your dumbness, she told you you needed a haircut, so she just wiped her ass.
**both laughing and walking away**
BlubianSmurf: Laugh now, my brethren, but you better not forget that we didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on us!

**to be continued. Maybe…..**


Green Eyed Pagan said...

I started to cry I was laughing so hard, and then, because I'm uncoordinated, I fell off my computer chair. My side still hurts from laughing, or falling from laughing, thank you for that. I seriously have not laughed that hard in ages!

"**to be continued. Maybe…..**"


r. said...

thats awesome - waiting for the next episode... I made a cartoon once of Skatville (yep - a whole town of little talking shits!!!)

Brother Kojak said...

Glad y'all was feeling that one. r, you are a nasty ass chic. I've written most of the next character base, but it was a little long. I'll have more ghetto smurfs for y'all sooner than later.

Brother Kojak said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Damn that's some crazy ass shit! Had to contain myself or people around here would be all in my face asking "What's so funny?"

You must be sniffin glue....