Saturday, January 08, 2005

Happy B-day Simone!

Who's Simone? Only the most adorable 4 yr olds on the east coast. Not because she's cute (which she is) but because she is such a little lady, already. Its amazing that she is like that because it seems to be so natural for her. While most kids pick and choose who they want to play with, she manages to love everyone at the same time.

So when I was asked to come to the party, I was more than happy to attend. I was going to perform my famous "Dreddylocks and The 3 Monkeys" (Loooooong story) but time was short. The party was Saturday and I was getting her gift on Saturday morning. Me and the shorty get into the car and drive to DC. Of course, I got lost and ended up being about 30 minutes late. If any of you have ever driven in DC, you would feel my pain. When we get there, we head to the basement for the playroom and the big-ass tv. Already, there were no chairs so I parked my fat ass on the floor. I sat there and made one of my usual odd observations; the men were on one side of the room and the women on the other. Even the wives were co-mingling with the single mothers. Anything to keep from watching the b-ball game. I also noticed that the kids kept coming. At full capacity, there must have been 20 kids from ages 1 to 6. Not a TON of kids, but for a smallish townhouse, mos def.
And our hosts were a bit unorganized. I think what threw them of was using the Most Likely to Attend Formula. You know when you plan a party and you invite 30 people thinking maybe 50 to 60 percent are going to show up. In this case, the full 100% showed up.
The platoon of munchkins were in the playroom for at least an hour before the food was served to them. THEN, it was time for the adults to eat. What a cluster-fuck. There were so many kids there and so many adults lingering that they ran out of the spaghetti that was served. Aunt WhatsHerFace had to cook more. Twice.
As some of you already know, I get a bit cranky when I dont get no food. It took a lot for me to not tell the shorty "Let's bounce. I can get me 2 Big Macs down the street". I think Aunt WhatsHerFace noticed as well because she said "This gentleman has been waiting so he's first."
"Good looking out" I replied with a wink. I slurped down my spaghetti; just enough to tell my stomach to shut the hell up. But as usual, Brother Kojak is always a gentleman and I told one of the mothers down in the basement that I'd bring her a plate when I came down which I did. She said thanks and shared her plate with her son.
Somewhere in the chaos of war I ended up sitting next to another one of the mothers. Now, Brother Kojak has flow with the ladies, but at the same time I am a very corgial and friendly man. I figured we just sitting there, why not chat a bit.
"So....I overheard from over there that you're from NYC."
"Oh, yes. Are you from there?"
"No, I grew up around here. "
"Oh ok."
" long you been down here?"
"Hmmmm....since May"
"I see. Like it?"
"Yes. I seem to like it a lot better than I thought. This area is a lot more kid-friendly than I thought."
"kid-friendly" ? How the fuck THAT get in the convo?
"Uh...yeah. What part of New York are you from?"
"Long Island but I used to live in Brooklyn as well."
"Oh damn. That's not very kid-friendly."
"Not at all!"
phony chuckles, then silence
"Where do.....oh"
And before I got the goddamn "where" out, this bitch walked off! Rude for real. But I guess she thought I was trying to holla and wasn't having it. If she only knew that she didn't fit the damn criteria in the first place. This chic was Amazon-like (tolerable), long dreds (kool), dark-skinned (good), but she had a big flat ass. Now, call me prejudice or even a self-inflicting racist, but if a sista is nice and chocolate, she BETTER have the juicy African booty! I mean, how many African women you know with a flat ass?? You that dark, there is no reason that you don't have the ancestoral ass. That should be a given. "Hmm..." I thought. "This chic needs to be observed further for possible blog material."
I'm glad I turned the blog radar on because this was one of those women who fronts like she is all dignified and has class, but falls short. 1st faux paus: How you gonna take a cell phone call in the bathroom of the playroom knowing there are about 20 little bladders running around? Trife.
2nd faux paus: Ok, the protocol is for the kids to eat first then the adults. How you gonna get a plate of spaghetti so big that not only can YOU eat some of it (ehh HMM!) but also the rest of your Wonder Woman and Dem tribe?? Trife!
3rd faux paus: How you gonna help your daughter pick up candy with you larger than average Joeanne hands and snatch 2 to 3 hand-fulls for your daughter's coat pocket? Trife for life!
And speaking of the candy, all of the kids had to line up to beat poor Dora the Explorer's ass. She was the pinata. Because of the small quarters, she was hung outside. Another clusterfuck. The hostess had to distribute coats from the closet to all of the kids who screaming "that's my coat right there!" Poor Hostess. I had to give her a hug after that dibacle. So now you have 20 kids outside. No one was taking the initiative to organize the chil'renz ( not even the Amazon), so Brother Kojak stepped up to the plate (theme music, please). So it was my job to hold Dora by the top of her head so she can get pummeled, hand the croquet mallet to a child, and most importantly, my protect my balls. So everyone gets 5 licks. I tried to avoid giving the mallet to my shorty too early because he is so damn hyper. When it was his turn, I soon realized that not only is he hyper, but he's an angry little fucker too. ONE SWING of the mallet, and candy was pouring outta Dora's ass. He literally knocked the shit outta Dora the Explorer. Monday, I will be calling a therapist to get the child some help.
After the presents were opened and it was time to roll, strangely enough my coat ended up missing. I think what happened was as Hostess was handing out coats, some kid's coat didn't turn up or couldn't get zipped. Evidently, my coat was offered to suffice. Luckily, I parked a couple houses down so the walk wasn't too bad.

Other Notes: Parents, make sure you train your kids how to be sociable. It is MOST embarrassing to have your children have a damn anxiety attack just because they are around people they don't know.

Parents, don't front like you got full control of your kids when you don't. All that yelling and the child STILL doesn't obey, that is what we call "frontin' ". And we all know there ain't no future in your frontin'.

Fellas, when you reach 40, just give up on having offspring. Because when you have kids after that age, you know damn well you are too old to chase them around.


Anonymous said...

:P So..........the flow is gone huh? I'm so sorry. lol

Wait, wait, wait!! Did i read right? You had to hold Dora up so they could hit her?? And they used a mallet?? ROFLOL!!!! I guess no one told you'll you're supposed to hang it from a tree? And that you can buy a stick at the store that sells the pinata? LOL let me catch my breath... You should come down here so I can show you how it's done ;-)

Anonymous said...

Psst! Psst! Maybe you should tell the mom that it makes things so much easier when you give the kids a bag to put the goodies in... That mom was just helping her daughter out. See the little girl had tiny pockets. She needed more pocket space so the mom helped her out! What's wrong with that?

Brother Kojak said...

Anonymous is playing. Sure you can help the kid out, but don't do it on the sneak tip. Like you stealing shit.

~KC~ said...

I cannot stop laughing...knocked the shit literally out of Dora the Explorer...LOL That is just great! I can picture it entirely...thank you for that wonderful mental image!!

WebmasterMama said...

Seriously - spaghetti? At a kid's party? That is one brave woman....

What you mean by panic attack just because a kid is in a room full of strangers? I wonder what that REALLY means. My girl is shy... she'll want me to help her with things. She's maladjusted now?

Brother Kojak said...

KC, you're welcome. It's like dora had been eating colorful nachos and just couldnt hold it any longer.

Mama, there is no reason for a child to kick and scream "no, NO!" when the parents are right there and there are a bunch of people who are her exact same size. We have to stop picking these kids up everytime there is an issue they don't want to deal with. We are so worried about making them safe and feel good that we dont give them a chance to live and "get their fingernails dirty" with life. All experiences are learning tools, good and bad. Sheltering a child just prolongs them from experiencing life.
Can't wait to read about the trip

Blonde Ambition said...

I'm telling ya 20 kids that age in one place would give ME a damn panic attack...I'll take 100 8th graders from my classes to the bowling alley or park before you can get me in a room with that many youngins! lmao