Monday, December 26, 2005


I don't know if I've ever had an entry on here about my birth father. He cut out on me and moms when I was about 2. There are 2 sides to every story, but the side I'm familiar with is that my mom was so fed up with his shit that she lift EVERYTHING that she couldn't carry in that apartment.
What goes along with that is that WHEN I see him, he always seems to have a story about some great fatherly deed he had done. Needless to say, there aren't but so many given that I was 2 when they split.
My parents relationship had little to do with me, but the one thing that made me mad at my mom was naming me after my father. Bad Reasoning #1: You knew that he wasn't going to be around too much longer, so why the hell would you make me a junior? He wasn't even at the hospital when I was born. #2: His name sucks!! Of course I'm not going to tell you my real name, but here are some hints: Think of names for boys in 2 Tiers; Names That Suck (NTS)and Name That Really Fucken Suck (NTRFS). Ok. Find in the NTS index of the 10 worst names for a boy in the 20th Century. One of those is probably my middle name. Now, go thru the NTRFS and find the top 5 worst names for a boy in the 20th Century; friends, would be my first name. Add a last name that is one of the most common surnames in America along with "Jr" and there you have Brother Kojak's name. Ta-to the fucken-da.
Now I'm going to tie all this together. My father's "I was a great dad" stories with the banged up name for a Black child of the 70's. So he, my wife, my uncle and I are all talking in the kitchen and my father asked me how I dealt with introducing myself with the TheBangedUpName. I said I would just go ahead and introduce myself as such because if I used a nickname, it would end up coming out later anyway so what the hell? He goes, "I would never introduce myself with THeBangedUpName; I would always go by my first two initials. But you know what, I didn't even want to name you TheBangedUpName. I wanted to name you Orlando."
Me:What? Why didn't you name me Orlando instead? I'm not crazy about the name, but its 10 times better than TheBangedUpName!"
SoCalledFather:That wasn't my call. Your mother for some reason wanted to make you a junior.
**BELLS GO OFF...bullshit meter!**

My father is the King of Bullshit. His subtitle is the Earl of Embellishment. I can't fathom my mom wanting to name me TheBangedUpName. It just don't match given the circumstances. So I went to the source and asked MommaCrazy...

MommaCrazy: He said what??? Shiiiiit. You know damn well that bitch wasn't nowhere around so I know you ain't believe him!

So who knows? Knowing my father, he probably came up with that name about 2 or 3 years after they split, "Yeah, Orlando! Now that is a great name for a child!" He got issues. He ain't nutty or nothing, he just lives in his own little world. The problem is, I hate my name so much, the "what if" portion just is gonna eat me alive for the next month or two.

I could have had normal name....not one that goes well with kindergarten teasing, not one that makes 12 year old girls giggle at introduction...a normal, none bodily function sounding name. **sigh** The universe can be so cruel.


Neckbone said...

"Orlando" is especially cruel when you consider the timing. Today arguably you have Orlando Bloom, Orlando Jones, hell- Orlando Brown! Where there any respectable figures of any race named "Orlando" in the early 70s? Not that I can think of. So why the name? Was it a big marketing push that Disney did with the Orlando board of tourism? It sure as hell couldn't have been Tony Orlando!

Brother Kojak said...

Hey hey HEY! Tony was a smooth operator; don't sleep! Could YOU rock a ruffle tux like that, Neckbone? I think not!

And you are right, I would have been in a class with some odd characters. At the same time, I'm an odd character even with TheBangedUpName. And trust me, O is STILL better than my birth name

r. said...

honey, you ain't got shit on my name... the kids even made up a song about my name... and of course, instead of being embarassed, I sang along: "Who likes Rotten R..." and of course, let's not forget the scandalous movie that came out the year I was born... and the devilish history to boot!!!

Brother Kojak said...

Girl...your name is cool. Be for real. Your name is not popular, but least its unpopular for uniqueness, not suckiness.

derek said...

Orlando is kind of cheese because, by rule, names that are also cities in Florida are cheese.

My name came from my grandmother..I was her first grandchild. I wouldn't have picked my name. I appreciate it because she gave it to me...

This is part of why I intentionally didn't make my son a junior. He has to be his own guy. Sure, he will be like Daddy in some ways but I hope that he can forge his own path through life.