It's been awhile since I posted.
I've been busy buying a new car and trying to find a job. I guess most people try to find a job first but I'm not most people. I'm different. Of course most people who are married help each other out. I don't. In fact, I pimp my wife(MS Kojak). She pays the mortgage and all the bills. In fact, I even had her pay my over $300 cell phone bills because I like to talk to the ladys, if you know what I mean. I have her pay my cell phone bill and I hardly ever call her. By the way, I have a new car, Ms. Kojak still drives her old falling apart car.
Of course Ms. Kojak knows better than to argue with me. I'm a big man and during our marriage I've had to knock her head around many times. She forgets that I can do whatever I want whenever I want. She's called the police a couple of times and I have even been arrested. But that don't stop me from hitting her. All I have to do is beat her up in front of little Kojak (He's got to learn how to treat a woman), then I take little Kojak away from Ms. Kojak and I take him to my mother's place. That way I can keep little Kojak away from Ms. Kojak so that she suffers even more. If Ms. Kojak goes to my mother's place, my mother calls the police to keep Ms. Kojak away from little Kojak. My mom knows the laws and she supports me in everyway, especially when it comes to beating and putting Ms. Kojak in her place.
In fact, just this last Thursday, I had to put Ms. Kojak in her place. Ms. Kojak works all night long and tries to get some sleep during the day, of course if I think it's ok. Because I'm a big man and can do whatever I want. Well, Ms. Kojak wakes up and gets ready for work. She then tells me that I had to clean dog shit that my dog left in the basement. I just gave her a look like if she's crazy telling me what to do. She started reminding me about my responsibilities when it comes to the dog. I then gave her my answer. I pushed her hard and she started to lose her balance. I then grabbed her by her hair and dragged Ms. Kojak across the floor. You should have heard her cry. I then started kicking her across the floor real hard. Good thing she wasn't pregnant because I would have kicked her hard in the stomach because I don't want any children with her anymore. By the time I was finished with her I left her all bruised up. I also left a large scratch on her face. I spent so much time beating her that we lost track of time. She was late for work. She better not let that happen again because she's got to pay all the bills so that I can eat, have place to sleep, and basically pimp my way around. Little Kojak was able to see all this and learn how a big man should treat his wife. When he gets older and learns about the ladys, I'll teach him some more. For example, a big man like me can have many girlfriends while being married. I can have sex with anyone I want and Ms. Kojak better keep it to herself unless she's willing to go a couple of rounds with me. In fact, I can spend a couple of nights away from home and she better not even dare ask me where I've been. And when I do decide to come back, that house better be clean or else I'll mop the floor with her. Anyways, getting back to last Thursday. I took little Kojak to my mom's place so that when Ms. Kojak returns home after working all night 12 hrs plus, she would come back home to find the house empty without little Kojak. I did that to teach her not to mess with me Brother Kojak. I even let little Kojak call her after a day has gone by, to remind her what she's missing.
That reminds me. I don't just beat up Ms. Kojak. I also like to beat up little Kojak too. I know he's only 9 years old but he's got to learn some respect. All I have to do is call out his name loudly and you should see him get all nervous and tremble. Sometimes he's so scared of me, he has to beg me to let him go pee. I really love that boy! I'm going to beat him up so that he can grow up to be a strong man like me.
The only other thing on my mind is getting back into school because my last degree is going nowhere fast. It's a shame I can't be as successful as Ms. Kojak. Well she's paying all the bills so who cares. I've been thinking about going to law school. I'm wondering though, if my prior arrest as a wife beater might interfere with that idea. It better not or Ms. Kojak got's some slapping coming her way. That would be nice if I could go to law school and become important like Ms. Kojak. So far I'm good with the ladys but if I was a lawyer with all that money, I wouldn't need Ms. Kojak anymore to pay my bills. I could then get my own place and have all kind of women.
Well I'm kind of getting tired of typing because my fingers our sore. Probably from all the slapping I gave Ms. Kojak last Thursday night.
I know in the past we have been doing TTTT. Instead I think I will post everytime I decide to beat up Ms. Kojak or little Kojak. I know you monkeys would rather read about my latest boxing matches than read stupid stuff I've put up so far.
And if any of you monkeys like beating up women too, please leave your comments on my blog.
So please check back often to see if there is more wife or child beatings going on in my life.
Brother Kojak, the real big man!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Friday, January 12, 2007
I Can't Believe It
It's hard to believe that the hardest garment to get in this city is anything with the color Purple. No, not Whoopi Goldberg and them, the actual color purple. Today is Spirit Day in B-more and damn it you wouldn't believe it. I took the Offspring to get a fake out jersey for him and a cheap-ass Raven's coach shirt for me. HOWEVER, there was no purple to be found. The Offspring; poor kid. He's so clueless sometimes. We found a nice shirt with purple in it, but it wasn't a Ravens shirt and it was a tad big. He wasn't feeling it, so he might be assed out as being one of the few kids sans purple today. Uh oh. I have 2 young jerseys, but I'm not rockin' either one of them because my physique is all banged up and I am now a jersey snob. I can no longer bring myself to wear a replica jersey.
Priorities.
So I'll be rockin' the Passionate Power Purple shirt and tie. There may be pics....probably not. But what there will be pics of is any great bastardization of UB's campus in purple.
BTW, the included pic is NOT from the local paper, but from the Washington Post. THE WASHINGTON POST. Here is the greatest season of the Raven's short history and the paper doesn't even pics of how the city is ablazed in purple. Hmmmm....and they wonder why readership is down in the City That Reads.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Life After Death
The hook from "Royalty" by Gangstarr
Wherever I go
I want to take nothin less than the best
Whatever I choose, I choose to do
I have to stand out from all the rest
Whatever I do, wherever I go
I want to take nothin less than the best
Whatever I choose, I choose to do
I just wanna stand out from all the rest
Right after me posting about the death of hip hop as we know it, I have to tell you an experience to bring the soul of it as it lives in me, to you.
Ever heard the old 80's song "Last Night A DJ Saved My Life"? Last night, a dj did save my life, with hip hop. How ironic the dj was me as I'm dealing with the burial of the previous, tumultuous year and the birth of the next one.
For me, this is the year to end the confusion, the unrest. To once again wake up saying "Whoever ain't ready for me better get the fuck outta the way; this is my time."
Right after the passing of the old year, I felt myself in the same psychological abyss that has impeded me from being me and growing me.
But last night, **laugh** that weak shit went out the window. It was ME who saved my own life (so to speak) before it was too late with one of my support systems from days past.
Hip Hop.
I
the dj
the emcee
playing music that was there for me and to a degree by me revealing itself thru every riff
repeat and drop by DJ Priemere
the steady flow of Biggie Smalls
a vicious series of cuts followed by shout outs from DJ Green Lantern.
Its enough to blow your mind, man. For real....
Why? Because! Man, you have to look at it from a symbolic sense. KRS-One dropped the knowledge a few days ago confirming the death of hip hop as we knew it. Why? Because of the death of the godfather of hip hop, James Brown (peaceful journey). The art of sampling started with him. The beats started with him. The koolness started with him. Goddamnit, the bling started with him! Man! Ain't that some shit??? One man spurnned an entire culture! AND...when did he die? On Christmas night!!!!! Let me repeat that.......on Christmas night. The symbolism in that is just too deep to be a concidence y'all. Shall I break it down?
Ok.....
Jesus (the Savior of Christians) was "born" on December 25. Now we all know this is a lie. We know that this was the day chosen by European Christians to commemorate the birth of Christ because this time of year is bleak and depressing. Ancient documentation shows that Christ was actually born around mid-October. What I'm basically getting at is that we really don't know when Christ was born; nor do we know when hip hop was born. Ya feel me?
Stay with me here. Don't jump to conclusions just yet.....
Alright....James Brown, the godfather of hip hop died on Christmas.; his death on a day that symbolizes the birth of a Savior. And on that day, December 25, 2006, so died hip hop as we know it. The catch is, that means that The Death invokes a rebirth. A rebirth of a culture in transition.
Now to clarify, I'm not putting the hip hop culture on the same plane as Christianity. But from a philisophical comparison, they are both movements. Christianity started as the religion of slaves and peasants. Hip hop was donned as "Jungle Bunny Nigger Music" by the Klan. But both have risen to new (and sometime dangerous) plateaus. After Christ rose from the dead, the miraculous story was passed on by "witnesses" and so grew the embracing by both the emperor and the slave. Hip hop has grown from that stigma to the music that can be played and enjoyed by all on many different levels (just like Christianity has the different types of denominations).
But the question is what will happen in the rebirth? Will there be a Mile Davis to bring "The Rebirth of Cool"? Will hip hop die at its own hands like ragtime died when Scott Joplin passed away (peaceful journey)? Is it going to be a resurrection of something deep and beautiful or is it going to be the birth of a huge money making minstral show?
I
as long as I am blessed with breath
will bear witness to the rebirth 'cause it was me who was the crowd moved by Erik B and Rakim
it was me who gerry-rigged the component set to listen to Mack James on AM 630
it was me who "walked on ice, but never fell, I spend my time in a plush hotel..."
it was me who watched helplessly as one Crew destroyed spokesman of the other all for the sake of which coast had more juice
it has been me
it will always be me
just as it is you
and you
and you...
and you...
and you.....
Song List That Brought it All Together
Royalty by Gangstarr
Everyday Struggle by Biggie Smalls
My Life by Kool G Rap
Bring It Own by Jay Z (featuring Sauce Money)
Spottieottiopolis by Outkast
A Story to Tell by Biggie Smalls
Return by Self Scientic
Liberation by Outkast (featuring Eryka Badu and Cee-lo)
Wherever I go
I want to take nothin less than the best
Whatever I choose, I choose to do
I have to stand out from all the rest
Whatever I do, wherever I go
I want to take nothin less than the best
Whatever I choose, I choose to do
I just wanna stand out from all the rest
Right after me posting about the death of hip hop as we know it, I have to tell you an experience to bring the soul of it as it lives in me, to you.
Ever heard the old 80's song "Last Night A DJ Saved My Life"? Last night, a dj did save my life, with hip hop. How ironic the dj was me as I'm dealing with the burial of the previous, tumultuous year and the birth of the next one.
For me, this is the year to end the confusion, the unrest. To once again wake up saying "Whoever ain't ready for me better get the fuck outta the way; this is my time."
Right after the passing of the old year, I felt myself in the same psychological abyss that has impeded me from being me and growing me.
But last night, **laugh** that weak shit went out the window. It was ME who saved my own life (so to speak) before it was too late with one of my support systems from days past.
Hip Hop.
I
the dj
the emcee
playing music that was there for me and to a degree by me revealing itself thru every riff
repeat and drop by DJ Priemere
the steady flow of Biggie Smalls
a vicious series of cuts followed by shout outs from DJ Green Lantern.
Its enough to blow your mind, man. For real....
Why? Because! Man, you have to look at it from a symbolic sense. KRS-One dropped the knowledge a few days ago confirming the death of hip hop as we knew it. Why? Because of the death of the godfather of hip hop, James Brown (peaceful journey). The art of sampling started with him. The beats started with him. The koolness started with him. Goddamnit, the bling started with him! Man! Ain't that some shit??? One man spurnned an entire culture! AND...when did he die? On Christmas night!!!!! Let me repeat that.......on Christmas night. The symbolism in that is just too deep to be a concidence y'all. Shall I break it down?
Ok.....
Jesus (the Savior of Christians) was "born" on December 25. Now we all know this is a lie. We know that this was the day chosen by European Christians to commemorate the birth of Christ because this time of year is bleak and depressing. Ancient documentation shows that Christ was actually born around mid-October. What I'm basically getting at is that we really don't know when Christ was born; nor do we know when hip hop was born. Ya feel me?
Stay with me here. Don't jump to conclusions just yet.....
Alright....James Brown, the godfather of hip hop died on Christmas.; his death on a day that symbolizes the birth of a Savior. And on that day, December 25, 2006, so died hip hop as we know it. The catch is, that means that The Death invokes a rebirth. A rebirth of a culture in transition.
Now to clarify, I'm not putting the hip hop culture on the same plane as Christianity. But from a philisophical comparison, they are both movements. Christianity started as the religion of slaves and peasants. Hip hop was donned as "Jungle Bunny Nigger Music" by the Klan. But both have risen to new (and sometime dangerous) plateaus. After Christ rose from the dead, the miraculous story was passed on by "witnesses" and so grew the embracing by both the emperor and the slave. Hip hop has grown from that stigma to the music that can be played and enjoyed by all on many different levels (just like Christianity has the different types of denominations).
But the question is what will happen in the rebirth? Will there be a Mile Davis to bring "The Rebirth of Cool"? Will hip hop die at its own hands like ragtime died when Scott Joplin passed away (peaceful journey)? Is it going to be a resurrection of something deep and beautiful or is it going to be the birth of a huge money making minstral show?
I
as long as I am blessed with breath
will bear witness to the rebirth 'cause it was me who was the crowd moved by Erik B and Rakim
it was me who gerry-rigged the component set to listen to Mack James on AM 630
it was me who "walked on ice, but never fell, I spend my time in a plush hotel..."
it was me who watched helplessly as one Crew destroyed spokesman of the other all for the sake of which coast had more juice
it has been me
it will always be me
just as it is you
and you
and you...
and you...
and you.....
Song List That Brought it All Together
Royalty by Gangstarr
Everyday Struggle by Biggie Smalls
My Life by Kool G Rap
Bring It Own by Jay Z (featuring Sauce Money)
Spottieottiopolis by Outkast
A Story to Tell by Biggie Smalls
Return by Self Scientic
Liberation by Outkast (featuring Eryka Badu and Cee-lo)
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Hip Hop Is Dead (?)
Hi y'all! What's poppin'? What's been going on with me? The typical; a cycle of interviews with no results. I think I have got to hold the record for going on an interview and coming up empty handed.
My cousin AreYouGay is having her annual Kwanzaa party on the day of Nia. I wonder is the hot South American gonna be there again? I want to ask AreYouGay, but I wouldn't know how to ask. My real issue is what am I going to do creative. Last year I read one of my blog poems, but I haven't written a poem in I don't know how long (oh wait. Its been about a year. duh) and I'm in no mood to write one now. I might just bust out a kareoke machine which brings me to the topic. There is a song that I've been trying to download for a couple of years and I finally found it. Its "I Love You" by Mary J Blige featuring Smif N Wessun. I GO FOR that song! That was the joint back in the day, but in hindsight, it is the song or at least the group that probably has lead hip hop to its cultural critical care bed. You see, there is a movement that is calling for the death of hip hop and its not lead by Christian Right or Mini-van driving moms. Its led by Gen Y'ers who are sick of the fakeout thuggery, braggidoccio about bitches and hos, and the pleathura of Dirty South Dummies. This is disturbing for us Gen X'ers because this is the music culture we grew up with. There are some kats who are doing their thing like Jean Grae, Common, Self Scientific, Dead Prez, Mos Def, and so on. But the overwhelming majority of so-called hip hop artists represent stereotypes that we black people don't need.
But back to Smif N Wessun, they were probably one of the 1st underground groups to do a collabro with a pop star. Although the effort is a good one, it was a start of things to come. Now a singer HAS TO have a rapper in the song. Rap's crossover and success into pop was at the expense of hip hop. There always has been a difference between the two. Rap is pure expression, hip hop is the expression plus the message. Over time, people have explored this and some rappers have exploited it. The first one to do this was Master P. All of his work was considered hip hop because of its underground nature. But when the masses started listen and buy, Master P and the entire Southern contingent lost their minds. Extravagance grew to it current obsurdity with Lil' John and a host of others. Not just to blame the Southern rappers; some East Coast kats are guilty of the same antics like Jay-Z and Fabolus. So now, hip hop has taken black people back with these modern day minstral shows.
However, now the same kats who brought the game up in the first place are leading the march to kill the monster hip hop has become. One album that blatently states this is Nas's new album "Hip Hop is Dead". Cop that. It may be the beginning of the end.
My cousin AreYouGay is having her annual Kwanzaa party on the day of Nia. I wonder is the hot South American gonna be there again? I want to ask AreYouGay, but I wouldn't know how to ask. My real issue is what am I going to do creative. Last year I read one of my blog poems, but I haven't written a poem in I don't know how long (oh wait. Its been about a year. duh) and I'm in no mood to write one now. I might just bust out a kareoke machine which brings me to the topic. There is a song that I've been trying to download for a couple of years and I finally found it. Its "I Love You" by Mary J Blige featuring Smif N Wessun. I GO FOR that song! That was the joint back in the day, but in hindsight, it is the song or at least the group that probably has lead hip hop to its cultural critical care bed. You see, there is a movement that is calling for the death of hip hop and its not lead by Christian Right or Mini-van driving moms. Its led by Gen Y'ers who are sick of the fakeout thuggery, braggidoccio about bitches and hos, and the pleathura of Dirty South Dummies. This is disturbing for us Gen X'ers because this is the music culture we grew up with. There are some kats who are doing their thing like Jean Grae, Common, Self Scientific, Dead Prez, Mos Def, and so on. But the overwhelming majority of so-called hip hop artists represent stereotypes that we black people don't need.
But back to Smif N Wessun, they were probably one of the 1st underground groups to do a collabro with a pop star. Although the effort is a good one, it was a start of things to come. Now a singer HAS TO have a rapper in the song. Rap's crossover and success into pop was at the expense of hip hop. There always has been a difference between the two. Rap is pure expression, hip hop is the expression plus the message. Over time, people have explored this and some rappers have exploited it. The first one to do this was Master P. All of his work was considered hip hop because of its underground nature. But when the masses started listen and buy, Master P and the entire Southern contingent lost their minds. Extravagance grew to it current obsurdity with Lil' John and a host of others. Not just to blame the Southern rappers; some East Coast kats are guilty of the same antics like Jay-Z and Fabolus. So now, hip hop has taken black people back with these modern day minstral shows.
However, now the same kats who brought the game up in the first place are leading the march to kill the monster hip hop has become. One album that blatently states this is Nas's new album "Hip Hop is Dead". Cop that. It may be the beginning of the end.
Good Party: Tru Skool Style/ Bad Party: The Haters Ball
Happy New Year's to all of you. Hope your holidays were great. Mine were fine; nothing to brag about, but good nonetheless. I have a post like this pretty much every year, my New Year's Experience. This year is gonna be a little different. Yes my good people, we are gonna juxtapose a good party in comparison to a bad one. Last month, I went to the best house party I've ever been to in my life. Here is why it was the best:
Collosal mistake.
We chose the house party because a house party is usually bang or bust. Given that this couple had a party a few weeks ago that was pretty good, we took our chances. I was to meet the peeps over there. It was raining and unfortunately I had to park about 2 blocks away. I didnt wear my all purpose coat from the Devil because I wanted to look cute. (I'm paying for it now with a scratchy throat) So I'm in my 70's leather hustling up the street. I walk on the door, wow. Nice. Crib. The door was frosted glass with arch. One of the walls was exposed brick and in the dining room were matching built-in glass display cases. Nice. Real nice.
The 1st mistake of the party was that it was too splintered. The house was big; (shared by 4) there was a group of about 7 in the kitchen. Upstairs was the smoking room; there were about 4 people in there. On the top floor there was a chic laying on the floor alone chatting on a laptop. In the dining room was a laptop hooked up to some speakers playing mp3's with Media Player. Getting into the kitchen, I soon realized why everyone was in the kitchen; THERE WAS NO DAMN FOOD MAN! Yes....a party, with little to no food. The hostess had some nachos and salsa. In the oven wasn't some buffalo wings or even pigs-in-a-blanket. No, sista girl was baking some cranberries and bree wrapped in pastries. What the fuck is bree? Dude, do you not know I've been representin' B-more for years? What the fuck? I found out bree is some kinda uppity cheese.
Oh God.
Media Player. There is nothing wrong with playing music from a computer for a party, but uhh....why hit repeat if you have tons of music saved to the laptop? It was bad enough listening to undancable 80's music, but to hit the repeat button halfway thru the next song? Come on! Ugh!
Then it was almost midnight. The hostess herded us upstairs to watch the ball drop where I heard WhatAboutMe's friends say one of the most triflingest things to end the year: "Damn, that ain't Dick Clark. They got puppet strings connected to him. That's Howdy Dowdy." What an asshole. So the ball drops and hugs and kisses are exchanged. Then I realized something; oh shit, I'm buzzed. Why?
Because there was no gaddamn food, man!!
One sustains a buzz when food is not there to absorb it. Plus I was just sitting around instead of dancing or something. I had a rum and coke, and a psuedo-martini. Buzzed. This was actually a bad thing because I wanted to get the fuck outta there. Now I was stuck for another hour. Shit. So at this point, I figured me and WhatAboutMe can make the party by gettin' our stupid on. That worked great for a while, until 2 of the girls who were in the kitchen came to join us. Let's call them Shleprock and Droopy. (No, Shleprock is a dated reference. Change that to Debbie Downer. ) We're laughin' and I decide to be a gentleman and let them in on the convo. Bad idea. They both just kinda smiled. When asked where they were from they replied "Baltimore." What? Wassup?!?! East side or West side?
Debbie Downer: West side.
Droopy: East side.
Me: Ahhh! East side! You must be gangsta!
Droopy: Well, I'm from there, but now I live in College Park.
Me: Oh! Let me guess, you went to U of Md, graduated, but never left the area.
Droopy: Riight!
(All smile)
(Silence, still smiling)
(More Silence...then the trumpet in the background:"wooomp, wooooooom")
Me: Uh....so, Miss Lady (indicating to DD), what do you do?*
Debbie Downer: What do I do?
Me: Yeah, bitc...yeah, man! I mean what do you do? For a living? To eat and shit? Ya know?
Debbie Downer: Oh! Well, I.....I'm....(looking at Droopy)..it's...
Me: You just ain't working now. Got it.
Debbie Downer: Yeah.
Me: Yeah.
Droopy: Hello all you happy people.
(wooomp, wooooooom!)
Now I'm blown. Just blown, but the liquor is still on me. Droopy and Debbie Downer walk off and DJ MoonRisesSunSets and WhatAboutMe sat and looked at each other pitifully. "What the fuck is bree?" I asked as the hostess went upstairs. People started getting their coats and rolling out. We quickly followed suit as the music turned off before we could even get our coats. It was 1:45. 1:45 and a New Year's Party is over??? Ugh. So here is the 2nd portion of the juxtaposition:
*it is always bad to ask someone from B-more what they do for a living as a good portion of people there are either out of work, are from job to job, or just don't do shit.
- 2 different djs spinning records from hip hop, r&b, 80's, 90's, and reggae.
- food: chicken wings, salad, rolls, shrimp cocktail
- beverage: you name it, it was there.
- crowd: 4:1 ratio (men/women). Not great numbers, but in a party with this type of music, it was impressive
- duration: party lasted until about 5.
- memorobilia: 47 pics taken
Collosal mistake.
We chose the house party because a house party is usually bang or bust. Given that this couple had a party a few weeks ago that was pretty good, we took our chances. I was to meet the peeps over there. It was raining and unfortunately I had to park about 2 blocks away. I didnt wear my all purpose coat from the Devil because I wanted to look cute. (I'm paying for it now with a scratchy throat) So I'm in my 70's leather hustling up the street. I walk on the door, wow. Nice. Crib. The door was frosted glass with arch. One of the walls was exposed brick and in the dining room were matching built-in glass display cases. Nice. Real nice.
The 1st mistake of the party was that it was too splintered. The house was big; (shared by 4) there was a group of about 7 in the kitchen. Upstairs was the smoking room; there were about 4 people in there. On the top floor there was a chic laying on the floor alone chatting on a laptop. In the dining room was a laptop hooked up to some speakers playing mp3's with Media Player. Getting into the kitchen, I soon realized why everyone was in the kitchen; THERE WAS NO DAMN FOOD MAN! Yes....a party, with little to no food. The hostess had some nachos and salsa. In the oven wasn't some buffalo wings or even pigs-in-a-blanket. No, sista girl was baking some cranberries and bree wrapped in pastries. What the fuck is bree? Dude, do you not know I've been representin' B-more for years? What the fuck? I found out bree is some kinda uppity cheese.
Oh God.
Media Player. There is nothing wrong with playing music from a computer for a party, but uhh....why hit repeat if you have tons of music saved to the laptop? It was bad enough listening to undancable 80's music, but to hit the repeat button halfway thru the next song? Come on! Ugh!
Then it was almost midnight. The hostess herded us upstairs to watch the ball drop where I heard WhatAboutMe's friends say one of the most triflingest things to end the year: "Damn, that ain't Dick Clark. They got puppet strings connected to him. That's Howdy Dowdy." What an asshole. So the ball drops and hugs and kisses are exchanged. Then I realized something; oh shit, I'm buzzed. Why?
Because there was no gaddamn food, man!!
One sustains a buzz when food is not there to absorb it. Plus I was just sitting around instead of dancing or something. I had a rum and coke, and a psuedo-martini. Buzzed. This was actually a bad thing because I wanted to get the fuck outta there. Now I was stuck for another hour. Shit. So at this point, I figured me and WhatAboutMe can make the party by gettin' our stupid on. That worked great for a while, until 2 of the girls who were in the kitchen came to join us. Let's call them Shleprock and Droopy. (No, Shleprock is a dated reference. Change that to Debbie Downer. ) We're laughin' and I decide to be a gentleman and let them in on the convo. Bad idea. They both just kinda smiled. When asked where they were from they replied "Baltimore." What? Wassup?!?! East side or West side?
Debbie Downer: West side.
Droopy: East side.
Me: Ahhh! East side! You must be gangsta!
Droopy: Well, I'm from there, but now I live in College Park.
Me: Oh! Let me guess, you went to U of Md, graduated, but never left the area.
Droopy: Riight!
(All smile)
(Silence, still smiling)
(More Silence...then the trumpet in the background:"wooomp, wooooooom")
Me: Uh....so, Miss Lady (indicating to DD), what do you do?*
Debbie Downer: What do I do?
Me: Yeah, bitc...yeah, man! I mean what do you do? For a living? To eat and shit? Ya know?
Debbie Downer: Oh! Well, I.....I'm....(looking at Droopy)..it's...
Me: You just ain't working now. Got it.
Debbie Downer: Yeah.
Me: Yeah.
Droopy: Hello all you happy people.
(wooomp, wooooooom!)
Now I'm blown. Just blown, but the liquor is still on me. Droopy and Debbie Downer walk off and DJ MoonRisesSunSets and WhatAboutMe sat and looked at each other pitifully. "What the fuck is bree?" I asked as the hostess went upstairs. People started getting their coats and rolling out. We quickly followed suit as the music turned off before we could even get our coats. It was 1:45. 1:45 and a New Year's Party is over??? Ugh. So here is the 2nd portion of the juxtaposition:
- Computer playing 80's.
- food: nachos, salsa, bree and shit
- beverage: you name it, it was there.
- crowd: 1:1 ratio , but Droopy and Debbie Downer made the rest of them look bad.
- duration: party lasted until about 1:45.
- memorobilia: 4 pics taken
*it is always bad to ask someone from B-more what they do for a living as a good portion of people there are either out of work, are from job to job, or just don't do shit.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
The Blogger.com Sodologist
Remember when I mentioned the now defunct www.emptybowl.com? Well NeighborGirl is now 2 or 3 reviews from being the proprietor of emptycan.com to review sodas. Check out this chat and this email. Its the beginnings of an empire I tell ya!
NeighborGirl: hey
Me: hey
Me: wassup
NeighborGirl: not much
NeighborGirl: I'm a little lit, just a little
NeighborGirl: I sent you an email earlier, before I had a drink
Me: ok. let me go check it out
Me: what you drinking?
NeighborGirl: jack and DietCherryVanillaDrPepper
NeighborGirl: that's the only way diet cherry vanilla dr pepper tastes good, with jack, otherwise it's some nasty shit, but the liquor makes it tolerable and a little nifty
Me: oh! how did that taste?
Me: nifty....very good
NeighborGirl: I don't, however, feel sophisticated, I read an online study about how beverage makers are adding flavors to their soda as an attempt to market to women and their sophisticated tastes
Me: oh?
Me: like DietCherryVanillaDrPepper?
NeighborGirl: after drinking the dietcherryvan... crap I just feel normal, and a little like Dundalk, where they need all those extra flavors to amuse themselves
NeighborGirl: so their you have it, sophistication comes out rather low-class in the end
Me: lol
Me: excellent break down
NeighborGirl: not bad for half lit if I do say so myself
NeighborGirl: liquor must make me a hay philosopical or something
NeighborGirl: philosophical
Me: nah....I can contest to that though
So remember that crap I told you I read about the beverage companies
adding flavors that appeal to women to make them feel more
sophisticated? Today I drank a Diet Black Cherry and French Vanilla
Pepsi Jazz and it was soooo sophisticated you will never believe what
it tasted like- Pepsi and cough syrup. It was just like back in the
day when I was 15 and I'd sneak a little of my dad's whiskey in a glass
and mix it with shit trying to feel grown-up. Good old Pepsi beat me
to the punch, I never thought to mix in cough syrup with my soda and
whiskey. How's that for sophistication! I hear the Diet Strawberries
and Cream Pepsi Jazz tastes like Pepsi and Jolly Ranchers.
I'd continue this email but I have to go sit in a leather arm chair,
puff on a cuban, and drink my Pepsi and cough syrup so I can feel
important.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Tom Was Little This Year (And Other Useless Internet Banter)
I hope you all had a wonderful, productive, festive, fulfilling Thanksgiving. (Actually, I could give a fuck, but I figured I'd say something. How was mine? Why...thank you for asking! **rolling eyes** Mine was fun, I would give you the full blast blog entry for it, but come to find out from my gallop poll that it REALLY wasn't THAT funny or at least won't translate to text very well. The synopsis:
- AreYouGay? Really is gay, but still considers that normal.
- It is inappropriate to make fun of the dead and disabled, but damn its funny.
- Kids joke books still suck. I suppose if you are an author of such material your comedic career has hit rock bottom. (Coming to the children's section of a Black bookstore near you...."Knock Knock...It's Kramer!!!" by Michael Roberts)
- The family has a new Thanksgiving tradition of re-enacting Thanksgiving dinners from the movies. This year's feature: The Color Purple. "I looked up and saw you, and I knowed dey is a God."
- I HATE those broadcast text messages sent from someone's phone. One damn near ruined my Thanksgiving.
Hmmm....Today is Tuesday. Back in the day, this would have been a prime opportunity to do Tell The Truth Tuesday. Given that no one cares any more, fuck it. And that would have been the theme too. Your Thanksgiving....beautiful or dutiful? Reply if you want, who cares...
Did you know that Jay Z has about 4 different Greatest Hits albums? How can that be? Isn't there an industry standard on the number of Greatest Hits you can have? Oh...wait. no there isn't. I think between Jimi Hendrix and The Eagles that shit is out the window. Here is the songlist from Jay Z's most recent greatest hits joint:
1.Can I Get A / Jay-Z
This is a perfect song to start off this list because I can't stand any of the pop songs by Jay Z. This one is no different.
2.Hard Knock Life / Jay-Z
This is the worst one of all. Sucks more than a ho in Singapore.
3.Wishing On A Star / Jay-Z
Don't know this one or it sucks so bad I blocked it out.
4.Can't Knock The Hustle (FT Mary J. Blige) / Jay-Z
Ehhh! Its aight.
5.Ain't No Nigga (FT Foxy Brown) / Jay-Z
This was Jay Z's first aired song. When I heard this I said "Hmmm. Now there's a one hit wonder if I ever saw one." Fancy that.
6.Ride Or Die / Jay-Z
Not sure if I know this one or not. If its the one produced by Timbalan then its ok at best.
7.Brooklyn's Finest (FT Notorious Big) / Jay-Z
Anything with Biggie is tight. Recognize.
8.Imaginary Player / Jay-Z
Don't know this one.
9.Friend Or Foe / Jay-Z
Don't know this one either.
10.Friend Or Foe 98 / Jay-Z
Don't know this one either either.
11.More Money More Cash More Hoes / Jay-Z
cheeseball to the max.
12.City Is Mine (FT Blackstreet) / Jay-Z
Pop goes the weasel.
13.Reservoir Dogs (FT Blackstreet) / Jay-Z
Pop goes the weasel part dos.
14.I Know What Girls Like (FT Puff Daddy & Lil' Kim) / Jay-Z
You're kidding, right? Puff is an album killer.
15.22 Twos / Jay-Z
This is one of those playa for life songs. Please.
16.Money Ain't A Thang (FT Jermaine Dupri) / Jay-Z
Ok, now this is more like it. It's another play for life song, but at least the hook is catchy.
[Jay Z]
Bubble hard in the double R flashin the rings
With the window cracked holler back
Money ain't a thang
[Jermaine Dupri]
Jigga I don't like it if it don't gleam clean
And to hell with the price cause the money ain't a thang
17.Dead Presidents II / Jay-Z
Name sounds familiar, not sure that I know this one.
18.Regrets / Jay-Z
Definitely don't know this one
So it seems as if I'm either not a big Jay Z fan or I'm just an old cruddy and don't know nothing. They don't have any of the songs I like like "Bring It On", "You Don't Know" , "Jigga What". I guess I'll just wait for the box set.
I know its late, but the phrase of the day/Wednesday is "Phat in the tail. " In use: “I don’t know how that girl can get in a size 8 jeans. She gotta be at least a size 10 since she so phat in the tail”.
Know it, use it, good bye!
Monday, November 20, 2006
Blogging Sucks
Hey everybody. Remember me? Brother Kojak? The salty brotha who always has something to say yet nothing at all? huh? No, no. Not Fonsworth. That guy's a queer. I'm the brotha with the dreds...somewhat altheletic....no, no. Not Ricky Williams. He's all banged up....thinks he's a new jack hippie although I DO envy him for his abs and nipple rings.
No, I'm the kat that had the NFL Preview on the blog? Remember? Here are a couple of reminders:
http://kojak2000.blogspot.com/2006/01/nfl-in-review-dallas-cowboys.html
http://kojak2000.blogspot.com/2006/01/nfl-in-review-houston-texans.html
Ahhh, yes! Now you remember. And to make matters worse, you ain't miss a damn thing. So what's been going on in the last month? oh nothing major....marriage is still a fiasco, no new gig (but at least I'm not unemployed), and I just got a new car with a crappy system. How you gonna sell a black man a car with a half-ass radio? That's absurd. Things I've learned about myself in the last month:
1.) I was fishing around the internet, and found out that I used to have a website bookmarked called www.emptybowl.com. Dude would critque cereal. Stupid idea, but man it came in handy in its own odd way. Sadly, it is gone.
2.) I should leave the partying to the youngin's. I've haven't seen the goddess Heidi in weeks. **sigh**
3.) I start out 80% of my verbal stories as "...this girl I was messin' with..."
4.) I lost about 12 pounds during Ramadan. I gained 15 pounds after that.
5.) I would be doing a lot better in fantasy sports if I let a hot chic draft for me. That way, the other dudes wouldnt pick as well during the draft because they'd be watching her bounce up and down.
6.) I will never be a fantasy sports commissioner again.
Let's start with my weekend. Believe it or not, it was eventful. Friday, 2 of TheOffspring's boys came over and I was asked to help out with that. We took them to dinner, the movies, and then for ice cream. 2 of them didnt go to sleep until about 2 in the morning. I woke up at around 5 to shake the weasel, and one of them (I found out the oldest and yet smallest one) dropped like a Collosus of a load in the toilet. I had to dump ACID down the damn drain man. Like he was holding that for weeks.
So there was my sleep for the rest of the morning AND his Pops wanted to pick him up at 7:30 because he had a game. So that one left, and the other one wouldn't get up until about 10. So we went to IHOP. Sat down and got waited on, but after about 20 mins and 2 tables getting their food before we did, I threw $5 on the table and bounced. PISSED!! It wasn't racism or anything like that, just incompetence. So we went to Burger King across the street and ate chicken samiches. **rolling eyes** My mom called and asked if she could treat them to go-cart racing. I took them there, and on the last lap the other kid (YouTooOldForThat) damn near broke TheOffspring's ankle. TheOffspring was in the parking lane about to get out of the car when shorty ran into his cart. TheOffspring bent over in a weird way and I thought his ankle snapped. He was screaming (I think because he thought that it was going to snap) and I snapped at YouTooOldForThat not because I was mad at him, but because he was so careless....whenever they pitstopped before he had no problem stopping. But of course, when it counts, he smashed him. So both of them end up crying; YouTooOldForThat more so than TheOffspring. I had to give him a peep talk ALL the way to the house. Geez....sensitive.
Sat. night I sat and watched a "Dexter" marathon on Showtime. That's a good show. Check it out if you have cable. I also ended up spilling carrot juice all over the carpet without realizing it. Great. In the morning, after eating some HOMEMADE breakfast grub and scrubbing out the carrot stain with pro strength Resolve like Cinderella, I finally ended up taking YouTooOldForThat home. The rest of the weekend was good too; pizza, beer, and a whole lotta none-ya-business!
Don't expect another post no time soon. Blogging sucks!
No, I'm the kat that had the NFL Preview on the blog? Remember? Here are a couple of reminders:
http://kojak2000.blogspot.com/2006/01/nfl-in-review-dallas-cowboys.html
http://kojak2000.blogspot.com/2006/01/nfl-in-review-houston-texans.html
Ahhh, yes! Now you remember. And to make matters worse, you ain't miss a damn thing. So what's been going on in the last month? oh nothing major....marriage is still a fiasco, no new gig (but at least I'm not unemployed), and I just got a new car with a crappy system. How you gonna sell a black man a car with a half-ass radio? That's absurd. Things I've learned about myself in the last month:
1.) I was fishing around the internet, and found out that I used to have a website bookmarked called www.emptybowl.com. Dude would critque cereal. Stupid idea, but man it came in handy in its own odd way. Sadly, it is gone.
2.) I should leave the partying to the youngin's. I've haven't seen the goddess Heidi in weeks. **sigh**
3.) I start out 80% of my verbal stories as "...this girl I was messin' with..."
4.) I lost about 12 pounds during Ramadan. I gained 15 pounds after that.
5.) I would be doing a lot better in fantasy sports if I let a hot chic draft for me. That way, the other dudes wouldnt pick as well during the draft because they'd be watching her bounce up and down.
6.) I will never be a fantasy sports commissioner again.
Let's start with my weekend. Believe it or not, it was eventful. Friday, 2 of TheOffspring's boys came over and I was asked to help out with that. We took them to dinner, the movies, and then for ice cream. 2 of them didnt go to sleep until about 2 in the morning. I woke up at around 5 to shake the weasel, and one of them (I found out the oldest and yet smallest one) dropped like a Collosus of a load in the toilet. I had to dump ACID down the damn drain man. Like he was holding that for weeks.
So there was my sleep for the rest of the morning AND his Pops wanted to pick him up at 7:30 because he had a game. So that one left, and the other one wouldn't get up until about 10. So we went to IHOP. Sat down and got waited on, but after about 20 mins and 2 tables getting their food before we did, I threw $5 on the table and bounced. PISSED!! It wasn't racism or anything like that, just incompetence. So we went to Burger King across the street and ate chicken samiches. **rolling eyes** My mom called and asked if she could treat them to go-cart racing. I took them there, and on the last lap the other kid (YouTooOldForThat) damn near broke TheOffspring's ankle. TheOffspring was in the parking lane about to get out of the car when shorty ran into his cart. TheOffspring bent over in a weird way and I thought his ankle snapped. He was screaming (I think because he thought that it was going to snap) and I snapped at YouTooOldForThat not because I was mad at him, but because he was so careless....whenever they pitstopped before he had no problem stopping. But of course, when it counts, he smashed him. So both of them end up crying; YouTooOldForThat more so than TheOffspring. I had to give him a peep talk ALL the way to the house. Geez....sensitive.
Sat. night I sat and watched a "Dexter" marathon on Showtime. That's a good show. Check it out if you have cable. I also ended up spilling carrot juice all over the carpet without realizing it. Great. In the morning, after eating some HOMEMADE breakfast grub and scrubbing out the carrot stain with pro strength Resolve like Cinderella, I finally ended up taking YouTooOldForThat home. The rest of the weekend was good too; pizza, beer, and a whole lotta none-ya-business!
Don't expect another post no time soon. Blogging sucks!
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