Now THAT'S A Carry

What's a carry? That's when you accidently or purposeful embarrass someone verbally or physically (All so referred to as "jonin" in the African-American East Coast disaspora). Evidently, I have a tattoo on my head that says "please, jone on me at will". 3 times this week I've gotten my chest busted open from getting carried. Here are the incidents:

Scene: Glueman's home office listening to Eric Roberson
Glueman: Damn. That boy is a bad mutha fucka.
Me: Yea. He tight. **deep breath** Yup! taught him everything I know.
Glueman: Hmph! I bet that shit ain't take long....


Scene: Whole family walking in driveway on the way out
Ms. Kojak: Fag!
Me: Your muva.
Ms. Kojak: Shit! YOUR mutha! She the one with all the gay girlfriends. How gay is THAT?
Me: Shiiiiiit! The jury still out on your muva.
Ms. Kojak: Hmph! My mother LOVES men. You know that.
Me: Yea, is any of them got another name besides Jesus? (Jesus, not Jesus as in Hay-sus)
Ms. Kojak: SHUT UP, KOJAK!!
Me: Hehehehe...alright. By the way, don't let me forget that I need to get some dog food.
Ms. Kojak: ok, but what are the rest of us gonna eat?


Scene: kitchen during breakfast
Me: I'm curious as to how this thing (sports) is gonna work out.
Ms. Kojak: I am too. Good luck.
Me: Man, if I can pull this off I'll be the man.
Ms. Kojak: Oh baby, you ARE the man.
Me: Thank you, baby!
Offspring: hey dad....
Me: Yes?
Offspring: Boooooooooooo!

Hmmm. That's love for you. If that's what you wanna call it.

Why We Men Ain't Shit

...So I'm in the office at work and there is a knock on the door. I open it, and invite the student in. GLAD I DID! NIIIIICE! Now, I am very conservative when it comes to looks, but the eye-brow piercing on this chic was just hot. She was a cute cute girl by herself, but the piercing made her sinfully cute. Winner winner, chicken dinner.
Its about 20 minutes later and I'm walking towards the office. Guess who's there? Uh huh, Buttercup. (no, the nick is not a term of endearment; its reminiscent of what she was wearing) I walk towards her, and I can see from my shadow that I'm doing a cross between George Jefferson and Rudy from Fat Albert walk. I, uh, straightened out the walk and noticed a decoy; my man from the Athletic Club. I stood and rapped with him, waved and smiled at Buttercup. All of the sudden, things got great and messed up at the same time. While I was talking to dude, the FYYYYNEST woman on campus (a grad assistant to some truly lucky professor) walked by smiling and waving to someone across the way. I continued to talk, but head followed as she glided past. What was so good about her? I don't even know where to start. But the point of the story is, I looked out of the corner of my eye to see if Buttercup had been watching my action and reaction. Sure enough, I was caught red-eyed. Oh well, I like the way things jiggle the RIGHT way on a woman. Not feeling the multiple rolls jiggling. But that's a different blog. At least she knows I'm not gay. **wink**
Damn I ain't shit....

And here is another way I ain't shit. There is a woman who was giving me the blues during her computer's migration. Her email starting screwing up and check this out, she saw me walking to another assignment and screams out the window of the shuttle bus "Kojak!! You need to come back to my office!" I was blown. Where was the couthe? But what's worse is that if she was fine, I would have gone right over there and fixed her computer.
Damn I ain't shit...


Ok, need you guys help. A friend of mine REALLY needs some work. She is bilingual, honors graduate, and is a certified Java developer. I think at this point she's ready to move if she needs to. If any of you know of some opportunities matching her skillset, shoot me an email.

Getting It Together

I apologize for my loack of blogging lately, but now that the Offspring is all beastly with the football thang, I have little time for much else. 2 Fridays ago there were some things I wanted to blog about. I think I mentioned we went to a theme park, but what I left out was the fact that I am in the infant stages of being a Dirty Old Man. We were standing in line for a ride and there was a young lady waiting to get on. Gorgeous. Bikini top. Poon-poon shorts. Niiice! Then it dawned on me "This is a water ride. If she gets splashed on.....woo hoo!" So, I stood in line waiting anxiously for her log to hit the splashline. I saw and heard her group go down the drop, but I didn't see her get out of the ride. Damn! And so it begins....

Cheez-Wiz pick-up Line of the Day (used by yours truly): Hi there. You know, you look a lot like my cousin, and SHE is gorgeous!

Sunday I singed the hair on my arm trying to be Emeril and shit. My mom asked me to get on the grill. Me being the patient person that I am (yeah right) I tossed in about 2 handfuls of Match Light and closed the lid. When I opened the lid back up, I instantly had blond hair on my arms. Genius.

I didn't share this with you all, but I interviewed for a promotion here at work. I got it. Yea me! Now I at least I have the option of making mac-da-roni and cheese with Kraft cheddar instead of the US Department of Agriculture giveway cheese.

Find The Way

After the concert in Jersey, this song has been bouncing in my head for days. I think because before he sang it, he explained how the fellas would come up to him and tell him how that song effected them with respect to their relationship. Then he said something relatively profound: Just because you aren't preaching or singing gospel, you still can minister to people without even knowing it." Something to think about.

Find The Way
by Eric Roberson

How can I have you?
And never really have you?
At least not like I want to
Your heart should not be shared
Or should not be compared
To any other love that’s there
That’s just not fair
IIIII…. I’m down to loose you
For a chance to gain you
Even if all I gain
Is the respect that you see in me
I’m willing to set you free (I’m willing to set you free)
All I offer you is honesty (offer is honesty)
I mean honestly


You know
I need you
But girl not, this way
I want something
Much more than
What you’ll give today
To show you
I want you
I’ll push you away
If its meant
To be girl
I trust that it will find a way

Too close to hold on
But trust me I intend to
Though I’m deep into you
I hope I’ll find my way
I hope you’ll be ok
Holding on to just what I say
While we’re away
Ohhhh….its hard to leave you
I feel like I breathe you
I look to survive
Holding on to my dreams at night
That’s the only time I hold you tight
Waking up just don’t feel right
No it just ain’t right

You know
I need you
But girl not, this way
I want something
Much more than
What you’ll give today
To show you
I want you
I’ll push you away
If it’s meant
To be girl
I trust that it will find a way

Eric Roberson
The Vault-Vol 1.5



Copyright 2004, Blue Erro Soul

I Love Her

Since the first time I met her, I realized that when I grow up, I wanted to be her Sugar Daddy. Come into the crib and incidentally hear her singing an improptu verse in a jazzed-up Swiss yodel or humming like the sista-who-really-isn't-a-sista over a sink full of dirty dishes. I think about her during DC traffic jams, nights when instead of watching "The Latest Reality Show" I could be wrapped helplessly in vibes like a helpless fish caught by a kaleidoscopic octopus. Yet I'd be accepting and enchanted.
She no longer lives near me; she is now a resident of the Great Metropolis. A place where even she can be considered somewhat typical. I'm sure she weaves her spells to others in the Great Metropolis in the same calculating matter; some of her "victims" unsuspecting, others prepare for the hex with a smile. However, every now and then she comes home. Her visits are short and sometimes a surprise. And even though I've been under her spell for a few years, I was angered by the fact that I missed my opportunity to be hypnotized once again. Seduced and left sitting in place with a preposterous grin on my face as evidence. It was my turn again and I missed her. It won't happen again. And the next time I see her, I will make sure she leaves with me, permanently. For I will be prepared and have MY OWN set of spells ready to cast upon the doors of her soul. The relationship will no longer be hapless victim to siren, it will be Sugar Daddy to maven.

Ok...so that was a little over the top; but I am definitely infatuated with this woman's musical style. When I saw her give a solo on piano, I was blown. Not just because it sounded so good, but because she sounded good AND had the flu AND just finished driving down from NYC to DC during both cities rush hours. That's the type of heart I like in a woman. Hmmm...I wonder if she knows how to make waffles in high heels? **smile with evil laugh**

Spyware Fix

Alright, my semi-techie skills came thru and I was unable to remove the PSGuard virus. I went to a couple of sites to find what registry keys to delete, but I don't recommend doing this unless you know how to run thru your Reg. Editor. So semi-freeware to download to avoid my same fiasco can be found from Ewibo and Spyware Nuker.

Microsoft is The Devil

Them AND the Java Virtual Machine (JVM). If you have auto updates for the JVM, delete it. I got a damn trjan virus from it. Still trying to get rid of it. As soon as I find the cure, I'll post it. So far, Symantic can only quarantine it and Stinger can't even find it. The virus took over my desktop and forwards to some bitch-ass website selling anti-spyware. Fuck that! Gimmie the damn fix! I didn't for the virus OR your sorry ass "assistance!"

Football practice was pretty good. Usually I job while the Offspring knocks kids on their asses. Way to muggy for that shit. I need to do a lite workout tomorrow though. I got Kings Dominion and the 4 Brothers movie tomorrow. Worst of all, I need to get laid! Why can't I get laid? Because I seem to have a "sports-related" injury. Seems that I was a little to aggressive with Mrs Kojak a couple weeks ago. I ended up cutting my self. I have a new camera phone and took a pic of the injury. Just scroll down:
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Now see? If you scrolled down this far, you are livin' trife! Like I'm going to post a pic of my dizzak! Be for real! Nasty trollops......hehehhe

Convo With The Offspring

Monday night I had an interesting conversation with my son at our favorite All-U-Can-Eat. It was one of those interesting conversation that needs to be noted.

Offspring: Hey dad...
Me: Yes?
Offspring: Why did you cut your hair?
Me: Because it was too long and heavy. Plus certain jobs don't think its cool to have hair that long.
Offspring: I want the old dad back.
Me: Huh? What do you mean? I'm right here!
Offspring: I want the old dad back with long hair, not short hair.
Me: Why?
Offspring: You just shouldn't cut your hair.
Me: Hmmmm...ok.

The Wisdom of a child. What's really odd about the convo was his demeanor. He spoke knowingly and with continuity unlike his usual hyper and choppy delivery. It reminds me of a convo I had with my mom a long time with my mom. I remember telling her that she acted stupid when she smoked weed. She's never smoked after that. I wonder was he trying to tell me something subversively?

Aww Man!

I HATE going commando!

Hey Jen....This One is Long Too II

Jen, I'm breaking this up for your ass....

Friday:
Everybody loves the computer guy. Especially the women who think they can use their feminine wiles on me. Unfortunately, it worked. What can I say? Women are from Venus, men are from The Alley That You're Allowed Beat Off In. So I saved the damsel in distress. Whoppee. I've come to realize that my son, the gentle offspring of Brother Kojak has a propensity for football. He gets ready all extra early, full gear for about an hour or so before practice starts. This is the same kid that likes gardening, baking cookies, and walks a little suspect. This same child gets excited to knock another kid on his ass. Anger issues or something. Go figure.
After practice I drop him off at his nana's house. From there I head over to hang out with my boy ElHíbridoRojo. He and I have a verbal battleevery timeeaccusingg the other of being a pimp. I had to ask him why is it so difficult for him given the incredible ratio of women to men in the DC area. His answer was the quantity vs qualityargumentt. He is looking for a spiritual woman that is grounded and down to earth. My answer to that was just do the damn thing. Some seemingly snotty women may have that attitude just as a1stt defense. They don't want then kats with the orange suit and matching shoes steppin' to them. I doubt they want Steve Urkel as well. He agreed and found it a valid point. As contrite as that may be, that was a break thru for the 2 of us. Unfortunately, I think that's how the convo went because I was a tad inebriated.

Hey Jen....This One is Long Too

I have a week of blogging to make up for, so bear with me.


Thursday
The work week was fine, nothing that I'm going to get into here at this moment in time. Thursday I was trying to recruit people to go to Hopkins Plaza to see Raheem DeVaughn. To all of those you who are on the fence, give this brother some love. He performs with an energy and skill level that is unparalleled. To those who don't know, take a male version of Mary J. Blige and toss in a huge helping of Marvin Gaye, and that's Raheem. Trust me, if you like Marvin Gaye in any capacity, cop this album.
The concert was a lot of fun. Glueman and I hit the scene much to the dismay of Mrs Kojak ( "Damn you! You KNOW I like Raheem!") I really wasn't sure she'd want to see him, plus in the back of my mind I realized that back in the day you NEVER took your girl to Hopkins Plaza. If you did, it would be like asking for a slap upside the head or gettin' the coochie cut off from you. Why? Because you'd be breakin' your neck looking at all of the scenery. So Glueman and I are chillin', laughin', jokin'. The sites are lovely of course, and then Raheem hits the stage. I can't go into a lot of detail about the performance, it was great; even especially when he brought the homeless man up on the stage to dance. What I wanted to point out was the difference between us Baltimorians and Washingtonians. Raheem was calling to the audience for that audience participation. He got. Had he tried that in DC, he would have been disappointed. I think its the fact that folks from both cities like to profile, but Washingtonians profile not only based on "I'm looking good", but also on "I wonder can anyone watching me get me an even phatter job than I already have." Now, when you have that mentality, you can't really let loose because your next potential boss may be watching. So when a perform says "Sing wit' me!", in DC all you hear is the chirping of Blackberrys.

The "Huh?" Effect of The Day: I was working with the new guy setting up some system. He looked wiped out so I asked him what was wrong. "I was up until 2 in the morning." he said with a yawn. "Oh?" **Shit, Kojak....don't ask, don't ASK!** "Why were you up so late?" **damn I hope he says he was working on getting some coochie or watching some porn....** "Well my superhero team needed me. I couldn't just leave them hanging."
Internet game. A fucken internet game. You loose sleep to play with some other jerk-offs for an Internet game.

sigh.....