what is that noise?

Oh God. That is my stomach. Churning the Chocolate Lucky Charms I had yesterday morning thru my intestines.....

Damn. I gotta take a shit.

I don't mean to be gross, but it beez like that sometimes. Its a bodily function that we all do, however, I have a real psychosymatic problem with it. I get REALLY self-conscious about having to take a dump outside of a place of comfort. I can't go to a public bathroom because 1.) its gross and I don't have any familiarity with the previous ass that sat there 2.) I get self-conscious about my potential bodily sounds and odors that may be emitted. One time I couldn't hold it and sat in what I thought was a secluded area of the building and took care of business. Right in the middle of my, uh....session, somebody walked in and non-chelantly said "Hmmm. Stinks in here." And walked out. I was so embarrasssed. Right there on the bowl I prayed that he didn't recognize my shoes or belt buckle.

Anyway, so today I face that dilemma again. And I work at a middle school with extra-immature kids. That's the LAST thing I need from them "Mr Kojak was in the bathroom takin' a shit y'all!" I'm in a panic. Take some breaths. Yeah. That works. Can't fart...could be deadly.

Damn! Gotta go. BRB....

Whew! I am so proud of myself. I got over my issue and did the damn thing. I'll leave out the gory details, but I will tell what I end up doing. This is how pathetic I am with this phobia:

I couldn't take it anymore. I just had to go. I actually considered going out way in the woods with some toilet paper and a shovel. I passed on that. I decided to go to the IIS (In School Suspension) Room. The room is secluded and no kids had been taken there yet (which was a miracle in itself). I ran to find the custodian, Mr. StupidMuthaFuckas. No, he's not stupid but thats how he references the students 9 times outta 10. I asked him for some toilet paper and without expression, he walked over to the janitor's closet and handed me a roll. I tucked the roll under my sweatshirt and jogged down the hall. I jogged instead of walked because I knew that if I sat there longer than 10 mins, it was going to be trouble. Therefore, I agitated my contents with a short jog.
Today was my day. There was no one in there so I ran in and quickly shut the door. I hooked the toilet seat up and sat. Oh shit! No lock on the door!! I was about to stand back up and relocate, but my intestines told me otherwise. I sat back down, leaned forward, and held the door tight with my fingertips. Now, keep in mind I'm a "thinker on the can" type man. Its not unusual for me to sit there for 20-40 minutes. Shiiiiiiiiit. Not today! I was outta there in 7.
Later in the hallway I saw Mr. StupidMuthaFuckas.
Me: Hey Mr. S. Thanks for the hook up earlier.
Mr S: Saved your life huh? **laughing**
Me: Man....you just don't know!
**both laugh**


KeyLo-Lo Update: No update today. Ms HourGlass (and her new huge tits) told me she wasn't coming in.