"Men are dogs!"
"Men ain't shit!"
"Men ain't good shit except one thing, and sometimes they ain't no good at that!"
"Pass the Haagen-Daz!"
These are sentences that we all have used or have heard from women. And hey, that's ok because some of us ain't about shit. However, I want to put it all into perspective as to why women keep getting beat in the head (figurately) by us menz.
Today I got off my fat ass and started running regiment. Afterwards, the Offspring and I went to the super market to get some bananas and pb&j. As I was walking in, I caught an exiting woman checking out my "package". I didn't catch her until late because when I made eye contact she was almost past me.
Now before I get blasted with comments from the Peanuthead Gallery (and you KNOW who you are!), Let me tell you how I was dressed.
grey Columbia Fleece pullover
red Under Armour mock underneath
black running tights
black shorts over tights
black running shoes
Now...not the most provocative attire, is it? I mean, I've been told women look all the time, but maybe its the power of the dizzat that gets you guys irritated and mad at us men. Yes? No? Somewhere there in the middle?
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Topics 1& 2: For The White Girls Only
Uh oh. Looks as though I may have stepped on some pink toes with this one. Before you read this, please keep in mind this is another one of my tasteless humor entries that was supposed to be funny. I thought it was funny, but as I was told earlier "...you come up like a big, black, mad racist." Au contrar (sp?);I just have some major issues when it comes to social ills. So please, read this with the usual smirk followed by a laugh while you think "What an asshole."
This post is a little overdue. My daily juggle has made it difficult to address, but for the sake of the White Women of America it is necessary. If you are not a white woman, you may want to go run and get that hot dog from 7-11, check out what Neckbone or Bowman has been talking about, or catch that Law & Order rerun on the USA network.
Ok...can we gather up front please? Let's all sit on the floor in the form of a circle with our legs folded Indian style, ok? And yes, there is warm hot chocolate on the table up here too. Oooh...oooh! Don't forget the marshmellows! They're on the table next to the carafe. They are just great, aren't they? Ok! Are we ready? Oh...we have a couple of straglers....down here girls! That's right....GREAT to have you! Ok! So lets have a talk amongst ourselves so that we can come to terms with ourselves and maybe even bond! Wouldn't that be great? Ok!
White Women of America, I'm not going to keep you long. I know you have JUST finished with Thanksgiving and having to clean the cranberry sauce that your neice smeared on your nice table cloth....the Christmas shopping that needs to be done, the charity drive at work. But White Women of America, I'm concerned. You and I have had a few empasses over the years that we should discuss.
Hey White Women of America, if I'm crossing the street and you are driving and slowing to a stop, can I get the same stopping distance that you would give your aunt or your grandmother? White Women of America, we both know I'm Black, we both know that Black men have a propencity to be nibble-a-foot, but White Women of America, I am equally afraid of large, rapidly moving vehicles. Can I get that White Women of America? Just because I'm Black doesn't mean that I am Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is's boyfriend. That is not your opportunity to initiate your vendetta on Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is. She and I probably don't even know each other! Do you understand that? Can I get that?
White Women of America, if I say "hi" to you in passing on the street, it doesn't mean I want to fuck you. Hey, I may just be in a good mood. White Women of America, please realize that the myths aren't really true. Not every Black man covets a White woman. That was a myth derived from the slavery age. You all are beautiful in your own unique ways, but in all honesty, (and I have to revert to slang) I got some good shit on lock. The "shit" I am referring to is what you can call...oh let's call it coochimus awesomeus. White Women of America, I would say at least half of the Black men who say "hi" to you on the street don't want to fuck you. You may just be in the way and that is their way of saying "excuse me" or "could you please get your narra ass outta the way?" Or, just like me, he may just want to say "hi". At the same time, a man is a man so there are some who want you; regardless of race. So if I see you on the street and say "hi", could you reply back please? You can keep your eyes forward, you can keep walking forward, but everyone from the President of the United States to the bum on the street deserves acknowledgement when they speak.
Is everyone still comfortable? Get comfie and don't worry...I'm almost done.
Ummmm....White Women of America (prticularly of the East Coast), it's almost wintertime. No matter how fashionable flip-flops were this summer, the Summer of 2005 is gone. Please stop wearing them. Your pink toes seem to look so tortured with the now Welcome To Canada, Eh? winds coming in. Please either box them up, or better yet just toss them. White Women of America, it's over. Move on please.
White Women of America, (and this is soooooo applicable to this time of year)if you see me in a store aisle and you need to get by, the best way to do that is to say "excuse me". The following actions do not work on me, White Women of America:
1.) Just standing there and waiting until I see you and decide to move out of
your way.
2.) Just standing there sighing increasingly louder and waiting until I see you
and decide to move out of your way.
3.) Standing there and gradually moving closer until you ASSUME that you are so
close that I have no other choice but to move out of the way.
Now, White Women of America, what happened to the wonderful manners your kintergarden teacher taught you? She taught you those for a reason and the same rules should apply in adult case scenarios as well.
Ok, I'm done! That wasn't that bad, was it? Hey, let's give everybody a big hand for listening and participating, ok? **clapping** C'mon! You can clap louder than that! That's it, that's it!
Alright! Let's have some more cocoa...
This post is a little overdue. My daily juggle has made it difficult to address, but for the sake of the White Women of America it is necessary. If you are not a white woman, you may want to go run and get that hot dog from 7-11, check out what Neckbone or Bowman has been talking about, or catch that Law & Order rerun on the USA network.
Ok...can we gather up front please? Let's all sit on the floor in the form of a circle with our legs folded Indian style, ok? And yes, there is warm hot chocolate on the table up here too. Oooh...oooh! Don't forget the marshmellows! They're on the table next to the carafe. They are just great, aren't they? Ok! Are we ready? Oh...we have a couple of straglers....down here girls! That's right....GREAT to have you! Ok! So lets have a talk amongst ourselves so that we can come to terms with ourselves and maybe even bond! Wouldn't that be great? Ok!
White Women of America, I'm not going to keep you long. I know you have JUST finished with Thanksgiving and having to clean the cranberry sauce that your neice smeared on your nice table cloth....the Christmas shopping that needs to be done, the charity drive at work. But White Women of America, I'm concerned. You and I have had a few empasses over the years that we should discuss.
Hey White Women of America, if I'm crossing the street and you are driving and slowing to a stop, can I get the same stopping distance that you would give your aunt or your grandmother? White Women of America, we both know I'm Black, we both know that Black men have a propencity to be nibble-a-foot, but White Women of America, I am equally afraid of large, rapidly moving vehicles. Can I get that White Women of America? Just because I'm Black doesn't mean that I am Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is's boyfriend. That is not your opportunity to initiate your vendetta on Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is. She and I probably don't even know each other! Do you understand that? Can I get that?
White Women of America, if I say "hi" to you in passing on the street, it doesn't mean I want to fuck you. Hey, I may just be in a good mood. White Women of America, please realize that the myths aren't really true. Not every Black man covets a White woman. That was a myth derived from the slavery age. You all are beautiful in your own unique ways, but in all honesty, (and I have to revert to slang) I got some good shit on lock. The "shit" I am referring to is what you can call...oh let's call it coochimus awesomeus. White Women of America, I would say at least half of the Black men who say "hi" to you on the street don't want to fuck you. You may just be in the way and that is their way of saying "excuse me" or "could you please get your narra ass outta the way?" Or, just like me, he may just want to say "hi". At the same time, a man is a man so there are some who want you; regardless of race. So if I see you on the street and say "hi", could you reply back please? You can keep your eyes forward, you can keep walking forward, but everyone from the President of the United States to the bum on the street deserves acknowledgement when they speak.
Is everyone still comfortable? Get comfie and don't worry...I'm almost done.
Ummmm....White Women of America (prticularly of the East Coast), it's almost wintertime. No matter how fashionable flip-flops were this summer, the Summer of 2005 is gone. Please stop wearing them. Your pink toes seem to look so tortured with the now Welcome To Canada, Eh? winds coming in. Please either box them up, or better yet just toss them. White Women of America, it's over. Move on please.
White Women of America, (and this is soooooo applicable to this time of year)if you see me in a store aisle and you need to get by, the best way to do that is to say "excuse me". The following actions do not work on me, White Women of America:
1.) Just standing there and waiting until I see you and decide to move out of
your way.
2.) Just standing there sighing increasingly louder and waiting until I see you
and decide to move out of your way.
3.) Standing there and gradually moving closer until you ASSUME that you are so
close that I have no other choice but to move out of the way.
Now, White Women of America, what happened to the wonderful manners your kintergarden teacher taught you? She taught you those for a reason and the same rules should apply in adult case scenarios as well.
Ok, I'm done! That wasn't that bad, was it? Hey, let's give everybody a big hand for listening and participating, ok? **clapping** C'mon! You can clap louder than that! That's it, that's it!
Alright! Let's have some more cocoa...
Monday, November 14, 2005
Experimental...(Jazz?)
409 Charles St. The An die Musik. That's the spot to go to for some jazz or small ensemble classical. Nice ambiance. Kinda Philadelphia-ish if you ask me. I decided to go there last Sat. to get me a little taste. I sat there, and the musicians made their entrances. There was a violinist, a trumpet player, a upright bassist, and a drummer. I was think "THIS...should be tight." The introduced themselves; the drummer placed the sticks over the snare, the trumpeter puckered his lips to the mouthpiece, the voilinist set the violin to his chin, the bass player took a deep breath and then......
Chaos.
pure.
unadulterated.
Chaos.
The bass player was doing his own shit, so was the the trumpeter, so was the violinist, and so was the drummer. I know a little about music and it seemed like the voilinist and trumpeter were trying to mock and or follow each. That's all well and good but the bass player and drummer were doing their own thing. Given all that, it was still entertaining. Not the music, but the reactions of the audience. There was this woman sitting in front of me; during the entire performance she was a nervous wreck. That was mostly due to the drummer's crazy and continous solos that included very loud rimshots and cymbol shots. It was great! She looked like a crack addict; everytime the drummer would hit a hard rimshot she would jump and she had this nervous twitch with her hand and ear. Oh MAN it was funny! When the band stood up, I think she left the room before they did.
Ok. I'm late on the draw with blogging. It'll only get worse for the next couple weeks. Finals are in 2 weeks. The dreamjobs I applied for....0 for 2. **sigh** Its all to the Good though. I have more option in the same industry.
Let me see, what else...I'm very content right now. For a variety of reasons. Life is good. I guess to give an example without going into too much detail is how 2 men told me in same day that I was a good man and appreciated. That felt good.
Happy Gobble Gobble!
Chaos.
pure.
unadulterated.
Chaos.
The bass player was doing his own shit, so was the the trumpeter, so was the violinist, and so was the drummer. I know a little about music and it seemed like the voilinist and trumpeter were trying to mock and or follow each. That's all well and good but the bass player and drummer were doing their own thing. Given all that, it was still entertaining. Not the music, but the reactions of the audience. There was this woman sitting in front of me; during the entire performance she was a nervous wreck. That was mostly due to the drummer's crazy and continous solos that included very loud rimshots and cymbol shots. It was great! She looked like a crack addict; everytime the drummer would hit a hard rimshot she would jump and she had this nervous twitch with her hand and ear. Oh MAN it was funny! When the band stood up, I think she left the room before they did.
Ok. I'm late on the draw with blogging. It'll only get worse for the next couple weeks. Finals are in 2 weeks. The dreamjobs I applied for....0 for 2. **sigh** Its all to the Good though. I have more option in the same industry.
Let me see, what else...I'm very content right now. For a variety of reasons. Life is good. I guess to give an example without going into too much detail is how 2 men told me in same day that I was a good man and appreciated. That felt good.
Happy Gobble Gobble!
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Topic 13: Indecent Proposals
This is the 3rd damn time I've tried to do this entry. Thats another reason why I havent posted in so long. UGH! So, to continue my bad blogger habits, I'm going to abbreviate what I was writing.
Way back when, I asked a woman what her fantasy was. She told me it was a 3some with 2 men. My response was "Wow. Can you handle that?"
"Sure," she said. "But they have to be there for me. I'm
the one that is supposed to be having the fantasy."
"So you are just gonna be there while they are all over your?" I asked.
"Basically" she replied.
"Hmmph!"
"Yeah. So....?" she asked.
"So what?"
"You..interested?"
"Huh? Me? No siiiir. Me no sword fight. We don't do THAT!"
"Nobody asked you to 'sword fight' as you call it. You just be there for me and please me while he pleases me."
" No siiiiir. What if his thing touch me?"
"Oh, stop being retarded. And what if it does? That's not going to make you instantly gay!"
"I don't know. It might do! No thanks. You are lovely, but uh....naw man."
A few weeks later...
ME: ...so I was like wtf??? This girl was on some ol' different shit.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Hmmm. What did YOU say?
ME: I told her I don't get down like that. But the main turn-off was that she wasn't going to do much besides lay there.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: So what if you had a woman who would be off the chain with hers?
ME: In a 3some?
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Yeah.
ME: Hmmm...I don't know. If she could "Bring the Noise, Bring The Funk", sure. Maybe. I think I would have to be highly intoxicated though.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Hehehehe. So what do you drink?
ME: Huh?
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: What do you drink? I mean, if we are hanging in the streets, AND you get a little tipsy, AND something jumps off, well, might as well call a friend, right?
ME: Sonya!!!! You get down like that too?!?!??!
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Not like everyday, but...you know. Every now and then you gotta shake the pot. If we kickin' it, why NOT call my man for a little twist on the fun?
ME: **mouth gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: I mean, she obviously knows something I don't, and I'm curious to know what she knows.
ME: **mouth still gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: And if she DOESN'T know, I'd like to beat her to the punch. You down?
ME: **mouth STILL gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Say something! You know what, forget it. You are stuck on some dumb shit like you a choir boy or something. BTW, close your mouth. I just saw a couple of flys buzzing around.
ME: **took me about 20 minutes to close my mouth**
Way back when, I asked a woman what her fantasy was. She told me it was a 3some with 2 men. My response was "Wow. Can you handle that?"
"Sure," she said. "But they have to be there for me. I'm
the one that is supposed to be having the fantasy."
"So you are just gonna be there while they are all over your?" I asked.
"Basically" she replied.
"Hmmph!"
"Yeah. So....?" she asked.
"So what?"
"You..interested?"
"Huh? Me? No siiiir. Me no sword fight. We don't do THAT!"
"Nobody asked you to 'sword fight' as you call it. You just be there for me and please me while he pleases me."
" No siiiiir. What if his thing touch me?"
"Oh, stop being retarded. And what if it does? That's not going to make you instantly gay!"
"I don't know. It might do! No thanks. You are lovely, but uh....naw man."
A few weeks later...
ME: ...so I was like wtf??? This girl was on some ol' different shit.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Hmmm. What did YOU say?
ME: I told her I don't get down like that. But the main turn-off was that she wasn't going to do much besides lay there.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: So what if you had a woman who would be off the chain with hers?
ME: In a 3some?
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Yeah.
ME: Hmmm...I don't know. If she could "Bring the Noise, Bring The Funk", sure. Maybe. I think I would have to be highly intoxicated though.
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Hehehehe. So what do you drink?
ME: Huh?
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: What do you drink? I mean, if we are hanging in the streets, AND you get a little tipsy, AND something jumps off, well, might as well call a friend, right?
ME: Sonya!!!! You get down like that too?!?!??!
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Not like everyday, but...you know. Every now and then you gotta shake the pot. If we kickin' it, why NOT call my man for a little twist on the fun?
ME: **mouth gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: I mean, she obviously knows something I don't, and I'm curious to know what she knows.
ME: **mouth still gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: And if she DOESN'T know, I'd like to beat her to the punch. You down?
ME: **mouth STILL gaping**
TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Say something! You know what, forget it. You are stuck on some dumb shit like you a choir boy or something. BTW, close your mouth. I just saw a couple of flys buzzing around.
ME: **took me about 20 minutes to close my mouth**
Friday, November 11, 2005
I'm Still Here
Chaos man. Chaos. School for a 30-Something'er will do that to you. This week I had a test I was busting my ass for. Next week I have a quiz and 2 projects so I'm only blogging today because I love you guys.
There will be no theme to this entry; just random shit off the cuff.
Wow I'm Touched: Yesterday I was talking to an aquiantance and she and I were catching up. Towards the end of the conversation, she told me she was proud of me. I asked her what for. Her response was that when she met me I was at a low point in life. No job, no stable place to stay, no car, and a smashed marriage. After the updates, she was impressed that I managed to turn my life around and am still moving forward.
Remember when you were a kid and you would get praised? You'd beam like a spotlight and show off all the missing teeth in your head. Yesterday was the same thing all over again for me.
Things I Want to Do After I Graduate: I want to get back to my music roots. When I was in a rap/breakin' group called the Classic 3. No, I don't plan on pulling out the cardboard and bustin' a move, but I want to get some compositon software and get at it. I'm also going to rekindle my affair with my girl Sheila**. My girl Bessy Lou has one foot in the grave, so I'm going to have to get a new bitch.***
What I"m Drooling Over: The 2006 Dodge Charger Daytona R/T.
This car just does it for me. I've yet to be able to save enough money for the REAL Dodge Charger, and I can't see myself financing a 40 year old vehicle. So, my dream is to get the Charger, and give it an old school paint job and look. Hopefully, I will be able to buy and post the entire project on here.
But don't hold your breath. I ain't!
**My EA-6 Washburn guitar.
***Bessy Lou was my sax for over 10 years.
There will be no theme to this entry; just random shit off the cuff.
Wow I'm Touched: Yesterday I was talking to an aquiantance and she and I were catching up. Towards the end of the conversation, she told me she was proud of me. I asked her what for. Her response was that when she met me I was at a low point in life. No job, no stable place to stay, no car, and a smashed marriage. After the updates, she was impressed that I managed to turn my life around and am still moving forward.
Remember when you were a kid and you would get praised? You'd beam like a spotlight and show off all the missing teeth in your head. Yesterday was the same thing all over again for me.
Things I Want to Do After I Graduate: I want to get back to my music roots. When I was in a rap/breakin' group called the Classic 3. No, I don't plan on pulling out the cardboard and bustin' a move, but I want to get some compositon software and get at it. I'm also going to rekindle my affair with my girl Sheila**. My girl Bessy Lou has one foot in the grave, so I'm going to have to get a new bitch.***
What I"m Drooling Over: The 2006 Dodge Charger Daytona R/T.
This car just does it for me. I've yet to be able to save enough money for the REAL Dodge Charger, and I can't see myself financing a 40 year old vehicle. So, my dream is to get the Charger, and give it an old school paint job and look. Hopefully, I will be able to buy and post the entire project on here.
But don't hold your breath. I ain't!
**My EA-6 Washburn guitar.
***Bessy Lou was my sax for over 10 years.
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