Brother Kojak!!

I'm Brother Kojak...The Wife Beater

2007-01-28T14:48:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I posted.
I've been busy buying a new car and trying to find a job. I guess most people try to find a job first but I'm not most people. I'm different. Of course most people who are married help each other out. I don't. In fact, I pimp my wife(MS Kojak). She pays the mortgage and all the bills. In fact, I even had her pay my over $300 cell phone bills because I like to talk to the ladys, if you know what I mean. I have her pay my cell phone bill and I hardly ever call her. By the way, I have a new car, Ms. Kojak still drives her old falling apart car.

Of course Ms. Kojak knows better than to argue with me. I'm a big man and during our marriage I've had to knock her head around many times. She forgets that I can do whatever I want whenever I want. She's called the police a couple of times and I have even been arrested. But that don't stop me from hitting her. All I have to do is beat her up in front of little Kojak (He's got to learn how to treat a woman), then I take little Kojak away from Ms. Kojak and I take him to my mother's place. That way I can keep little Kojak away from Ms. Kojak so that she suffers even more. If Ms. Kojak goes to my mother's place, my mother calls the police to keep Ms. Kojak away from little Kojak. My mom knows the laws and she supports me in everyway, especially when it comes to beating and putting Ms. Kojak in her place.

In fact, just this last Thursday, I had to put Ms. Kojak in her place. Ms. Kojak works all night long and tries to get some sleep during the day, of course if I think it's ok. Because I'm a big man and can do whatever I want. Well, Ms. Kojak wakes up and gets ready for work. She then tells me that I had to clean dog shit that my dog left in the basement. I just gave her a look like if she's crazy telling me what to do. She started reminding me about my responsibilities when it comes to the dog. I then gave her my answer. I pushed her hard and she started to lose her balance. I then grabbed her by her hair and dragged Ms. Kojak across the floor. You should have heard her cry. I then started kicking her across the floor real hard. Good thing she wasn't pregnant because I would have kicked her hard in the stomach because I don't want any children with her anymore. By the time I was finished with her I left her all bruised up. I also left a large scratch on her face. I spent so much time beating her that we lost track of time. She was late for work. She better not let that happen again because she's got to pay all the bills so that I can eat, have place to sleep, and basically pimp my way around. Little Kojak was able to see all this and learn how a big man should treat his wife. When he gets older and learns about the ladys, I'll teach him some more. For example, a big man like me can have many girlfriends while being married. I can have sex with anyone I want and Ms. Kojak better keep it to herself unless she's willing to go a couple of rounds with me. In fact, I can spend a couple of nights away from home and she better not even dare ask me where I've been. And when I do decide to come back, that house better be clean or else I'll mop the floor with her. Anyways, getting back to last Thursday. I took little Kojak to my mom's place so that when Ms. Kojak returns home after working all night 12 hrs plus, she would come back home to find the house empty without little Kojak. I did that to teach her not to mess with me Brother Kojak. I even let little Kojak call her after a day has gone by, to remind her what she's missing.

That reminds me. I don't just beat up Ms. Kojak. I also like to beat up little Kojak too. I know he's only 9 years old but he's got to learn some respect. All I have to do is call out his name loudly and you should see him get all nervous and tremble. Sometimes he's so scared of me, he has to beg me to let him go pee. I really love that boy! I'm going to beat him up so that he can grow up to be a strong man like me.

The only other thing on my mind is getting back into school because my last degree is going nowhere fast. It's a shame I can't be as successful as Ms. Kojak. Well she's paying all the bills so who cares. I've been thinking about going to law school. I'm wondering though, if my prior arrest as a wife beater might interfere with that idea. It better not or Ms. Kojak got's some slapping coming her way. That would be nice if I could go to law school and become important like Ms. Kojak. So far I'm good with the ladys but if I was a lawyer with all that money, I wouldn't need Ms. Kojak anymore to pay my bills. I could then get my own place and have all kind of women.

Well I'm kind of getting tired of typing because my fingers our sore. Probably from all the slapping I gave Ms. Kojak last Thursday night.

I know in the past we have been doing TTTT. Instead I think I will post everytime I decide to beat up Ms. Kojak or little Kojak. I know you monkeys would rather read about my latest boxing matches than read stupid stuff I've put up so far.

And if any of you monkeys like beating up women too, please leave your comments on my blog.
So please check back often to see if there is more wife or child beatings going on in my life.

Brother Kojak, the real big man!

I Can't Believe It

2007-01-12T06:37:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe that the hardest garment to get in this city is anything with the color Purple. No, not Whoopi Goldberg and them, the actual color purple. Today is Spirit Day in B-more and damn it you wouldn't believe it. I took the Offspring to get a fake out jersey for him and a cheap-ass Raven's coach shirt for me. HOWEVER, there was no purple to be found. The Offspring; poor kid. He's so clueless sometimes. We found a nice shirt with purple in it, but it wasn't a Ravens shirt and it was a tad big. He wasn't feeling it, so he might be assed out as being one of the few kids sans purple today. Uh oh. I have 2 young jerseys, but I'm not rockin' either one of them because my physique is all banged up and I am now a jersey snob. I can no longer bring myself to wear a replica jersey.

Priorities.

So I'll be rockin' the Passionate Power Purple shirt and tie. There may be pics....probably not. But what there will be pics of is any great bastardization of UB's campus in purple.

BTW, the included pic is NOT from the local paper, but from the Washington Post. THE WASHINGTON POST. Here is the greatest season of the Raven's short history and the paper doesn't even pics of how the city is ablazed in purple. Hmmmm....and they wonder why readership is down in the City That Reads.

Life After Death

2007-01-05T00:14:00.000-05:00

The hook from "Royalty" by Gangstarr
Wherever I go
I want to take nothin less than the best
Whatever I choose, I choose to do
I have to stand out from all the rest
Whatever I do, wherever I go
I want to take nothin less than the best
Whatever I choose, I choose to do
I just wanna stand out from all the rest

Right after me posting about the death of hip hop as we know it, I have to tell you an experience to bring the soul of it as it lives in me, to you.

Ever heard the old 80's song "Last Night A DJ Saved My Life"? Last night, a dj did save my life, with hip hop. How ironic the dj was me as I'm dealing with the burial of the previous, tumultuous year and the birth of the next one.

For me, this is the year to end the confusion, the unrest. To once again wake up saying "Whoever ain't ready for me better get the fuck outta the way; this is my time."

Right after the passing of the old year, I felt myself in the same psychological abyss that has impeded me from being me and growing me.

But last night, **laugh** that weak shit went out the window. It was ME who saved my own life (so to speak) before it was too late with one of my support systems from days past.

Hip Hop.

I

the dj

the emcee

playing music that was there for me and to a degree by me revealing itself thru every riff

repeat and drop by DJ Priemere

the steady flow of Biggie Smalls

a vicious series of cuts followed by shout outs from DJ Green Lantern.

Its enough to blow your mind, man. For real....

Why? Because! Man, you have to look at it from a symbolic sense. KRS-One dropped the knowledge a few days ago confirming the death of hip hop as we knew it. Why? Because of the death of the godfather of hip hop, James Brown (peaceful journey). The art of sampling started with him. The beats started with him. The koolness started with him. Goddamnit, the bling started with him! Man! Ain't that some shit??? One man spurnned an entire culture! AND...when did he die? On Christmas night!!!!! Let me repeat that.......on Christmas night. The symbolism in that is just too deep to be a concidence y'all. Shall I break it down?

Ok.....

Jesus (the Savior of Christians) was "born" on December 25. Now we all know this is a lie. We know that this was the day chosen by European Christians to commemorate the birth of Christ because this time of year is bleak and depressing. Ancient documentation shows that Christ was actually born around mid-October. What I'm basically getting at is that we really don't know when Christ was born; nor do we know when hip hop was born. Ya feel me?

Stay with me here. Don't jump to conclusions just yet.....

Alright....James Brown, the godfather of hip hop died on Christmas.; his death on a day that symbolizes the birth of a Savior. And on that day, December 25, 2006, so died hip hop as we know it. The catch is, that means that The Death invokes a rebirth. A rebirth of a culture in transition.

Now to clarify, I'm not putting the hip hop culture on the same plane as Christianity. But from a philisophical comparison, they are both movements. Christianity started as the religion of slaves and peasants. Hip hop was donned as "Jungle Bunny Nigger Music" by the Klan. But both have risen to new (and sometime dangerous) plateaus. After Christ rose from the dead, the miraculous story was passed on by "witnesses" and so grew the embracing by both the emperor and the slave. Hip hop has grown from that stigma to the music that can be played and enjoyed by all on many different levels (just like Christianity has the different types of denominations).
But the question is what will happen in the rebirth? Will there be a Mile Davis to bring "The Rebirth of Cool"? Will hip hop die at its own hands like ragtime died when Scott Joplin passed away (peaceful journey)? Is it going to be a resurrection of something deep and beautiful or is it going to be the birth of a huge money making minstral show?

I
as long as I am blessed with breath

will bear witness to the rebirth 'cause it was me who was the crowd moved by Erik B and Rakim

it was me who gerry-rigged the component set to listen to Mack James on AM 630

it was me who "walked on ice, but never fell, I spend my time in a plush hotel..."

it was me who watched helplessly as one Crew destroyed spokesman of the other all for the sake of which coast had more juice

it has been me

it will always be me

just as it is you

and you
and you...
and you...
and you.....

Song List That Brought it All Together
Royalty by Gangstarr
Everyday Struggle by Biggie Smalls
My Life by Kool G Rap
Bring It Own by Jay Z (featuring Sauce Money)
Spottieottiopolis by Outkast
A Story to Tell by Biggie Smalls
Return by Self Scientic
Liberation by Outkast (featuring Eryka Badu and Cee-lo)

Hip Hop Is Dead (?)

2007-01-02T16:15:00.000-05:00

Hi y'all! What's poppin'? What's been going on with me? The typical; a cycle of interviews with no results. I think I have got to hold the record for going on an interview and coming up empty handed.

My cousin AreYouGay is having her annual Kwanzaa party on the day of Nia. I wonder is the hot South American gonna be there again? I want to ask AreYouGay, but I wouldn't know how to ask. My real issue is what am I going to do creative. Last year I read one of my blog poems, but I haven't written a poem in I don't know how long (oh wait. Its been about a year. duh) and I'm in no mood to write one now. I might just bust out a kareoke machine which brings me to the topic. There is a song that I've been trying to download for a couple of years and I finally found it. Its "I Love You" by Mary J Blige featuring Smif N Wessun. I GO FOR that song! That was the joint back in the day, but in hindsight, it is the song or at least the group that probably has lead hip hop to its cultural critical care bed. You see, there is a movement that is calling for the death of hip hop and its not lead by Christian Right or Mini-van driving moms. Its led by Gen Y'ers who are sick of the fakeout thuggery, braggidoccio about bitches and hos, and the pleathura of Dirty South Dummies. This is disturbing for us Gen X'ers because this is the music culture we grew up with. There are some kats who are doing their thing like Jean Grae, Common, Self Scientific, Dead Prez, Mos Def, and so on. But the overwhelming majority of so-called hip hop artists represent stereotypes that we black people don't need.
But back to Smif N Wessun, they were probably one of the 1st underground groups to do a collabro with a pop star. Although the effort is a good one, it was a start of things to come. Now a singer HAS TO have a rapper in the song. Rap's crossover and success into pop was at the expense of hip hop. There always has been a difference between the two. Rap is pure expression, hip hop is the expression plus the message. Over time, people have explored this and some rappers have exploited it. The first one to do this was Master P. All of his work was considered hip hop because of its underground nature. But when the masses started listen and buy, Master P and the entire Southern contingent lost their minds. Extravagance grew to it current obsurdity with Lil' John and a host of others. Not just to blame the Southern rappers; some East Coast kats are guilty of the same antics like Jay-Z and Fabolus. So now, hip hop has taken black people back with these modern day minstral shows.
However, now the same kats who brought the game up in the first place are leading the march to kill the monster hip hop has become. One album that blatently states this is Nas's new album "Hip Hop is Dead". Cop that. It may be the beginning of the end.

Good Party: Tru Skool Style/ Bad Party: The Haters Ball

2007-01-02T04:30:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year's to all of you. Hope your holidays were great. Mine were fine; nothing to brag about, but good nonetheless. I have a post like this pretty much every year, my New Year's Experience. This year is gonna be a little different. Yes my good people, we are gonna juxtapose a good party in comparison to a bad one. Last month, I went to the best house party I've ever been to in my life. Here is why it was the best:

2 different djs spinning records from hip hop, r&b, 80's, 90's, and reggae.
food: chicken wings, salad, rolls, shrimp cocktail
beverage: you name it, it was there.
crowd: 4:1 ratio (men/women). Not great numbers, but in a party with this type of music, it was impressive
duration: party lasted until about 5.
memorobilia: 47 pics taken

NOW...as usual, I set my self up for a nice New Year's Eve. Place to stay and research for what was going on in town. For the 1st time in years I was going about it solo but I was ready. I figured I should be around friends so I called WhatAboutMe to see what was poppin' in DC. There were 2 options. We could either go to the Bohemian Caverns restaurant grand opening and enjoy open bar, buffet and 3 dance floors for $50 or go to a house party in Northeast. We chose the latter.

Collosal mistake.

We chose the house party because a house party is usually bang or bust. Given that this couple had a party a few weeks ago that was pretty good, we took our chances. I was to meet the peeps over there. It was raining and unfortunately I had to park about 2 blocks away. I didnt wear my all purpose coat from the Devil because I wanted to look cute. (I'm paying for it now with a scratchy throat) So I'm in my 70's leather hustling up the street. I walk on the door, wow. Nice. Crib. The door was frosted glass with arch. One of the walls was exposed brick and in the dining room were matching built-in glass display cases. Nice. Real nice.
The 1st mistake of the party was that it was too splintered. The house was big; (shared by 4) there was a group of about 7 in the kitchen. Upstairs was the smoking room; there were about 4 people in there. On the top floor there was a chic laying on the floor alone chatting on a laptop. In the dining room was a laptop hooked up to some speakers playing mp3's with Media Player. Getting into the kitchen, I soon realized why everyone was in the kitchen; THERE WAS NO DAMN FOOD MAN! Yes....a party, with little to no food. The hostess had some nachos and salsa. In the oven wasn't some buffalo wings or even pigs-in-a-blanket. No, sista girl was baking some cranberries and bree wrapped in pastries. What the fuck is bree? Dude, do you not know I've been representin' B-more for years? What the fuck? I found out bree is some kinda uppity cheese.

Oh God.

Media Player. There is nothing wrong with playing music from a computer for a party, but uhh....why hit repeat if you have tons of music saved to the laptop? It was bad enough listening to undancable 80's music, but to hit the repeat button halfway thru the next song? Come on! Ugh!

Then it was almost midnight. The hostess herded us upstairs to watch the ball drop where I heard WhatAboutMe's friends say one of the most triflingest things to end the year: "Damn, that ain't Dick Clark. They got puppet strings connected to him. That's Howdy Dowdy." What an asshole. So the ball drops and hugs and kisses are exchanged. Then I realized something; oh shit, I'm buzzed. Why?

Because there was no gaddamn food, man!!

One sustains a buzz when food is not there to absorb it. Plus I was just sitting around instead of dancing or something. I had a rum and coke, and a psuedo-martini. Buzzed. This was actually a bad thing because I wanted to get the fuck outta there. Now I was stuck for another hour. Shit. So at this point, I figured me and WhatAboutMe can make the party by gettin' our stupid on. That worked great for a while, until 2 of the girls who were in the kitchen came to join us. Let's call them Shleprock and Droopy. (No, Shleprock is a dated reference. Change that to Debbie Downer. ) We're laughin' and I decide to be a gentleman and let them in on the convo. Bad idea. They both just kinda smiled. When asked where they were from they replied "Baltimore." What? Wassup?!?! East side or West side?
Debbie Downer: West side.
Droopy: East side.
Me: Ahhh! East side! You must be gangsta!
Droopy: Well, I'm from there, but now I live in College Park.
Me: Oh! Let me guess, you went to U of Md, graduated, but never left the area.
Droopy: Riight!
(All smile)
(Silence, still smiling)
(More Silence...then the trumpet in the background:"wooomp, wooooooom")
Me: Uh....so, Miss Lady (indicating to DD), what do you do?*
Debbie Downer: What do I do?
Me: Yeah, bitc...yeah, man! I mean what do you do? For a living? To eat and shit? Ya know?
Debbie Downer: Oh! Well, I.....I'm....(looking at Droopy)..it's...
Me: You just ain't working now. Got it.
Debbie Downer: Yeah.
Me: Yeah.
Droopy: Hello all you happy people.
(wooomp, wooooooom!)

Now I'm blown. Just blown, but the liquor is still on me. Droopy and Debbie Downer walk off and DJ MoonRisesSunSets and WhatAboutMe sat and looked at each other pitifully. "What the fuck is bree?" I asked as the hostess went upstairs. People started getting their coats and rolling out. We quickly followed suit as the music turned off before we could even get our coats. It was 1:45. 1:45 and a New Year's Party is over??? Ugh. So here is the 2nd portion of the juxtaposition:

Computer playing 80's.

food: nachos, salsa, bree and shit

beverage: you name it, it was there.

crowd: 1:1 ratio , but Droopy and Debbie Downer made the rest of them look bad.

duration: party lasted until about 1:45.

memorobilia: 4 pics taken

What did we learn? Not a damn thing. Well, we did learn that when in doubt, do it your damn self. That party was so lame we are seriously considering having a If Your New Year's Eve Sucked Make-up Party. Stay tuned.

*it is always bad to ask someone from B-more what they do for a living as a good portion of people there are either out of work, are from job to job, or just don't do shit.

The Blogger.com Sodologist

2006-11-28T23:10:00.000-05:00

Remember when I mentioned the now defunct www.emptybowl.com? Well NeighborGirl is now 2 or 3 reviews from being the proprietor of emptycan.com to review sodas. Check out this chat and this email. Its the beginnings of an empire I tell ya!

NeighborGirl: hey

Me: hey

Me: wassup

NeighborGirl: not much

NeighborGirl: I'm a little lit, just a little

NeighborGirl: I sent you an email earlier, before I had a drink

Me: ok. let me go check it out

Me: what you drinking?

NeighborGirl: jack and DietCherryVanillaDrPepper

NeighborGirl: that's the only way diet cherry vanilla dr pepper tastes good, with jack, otherwise it's some nasty shit, but the liquor makes it tolerable and a little nifty

Me: oh! how did that taste?

Me: nifty....very good

NeighborGirl: I don't, however, feel sophisticated, I read an online study about how beverage makers are adding flavors to their soda as an attempt to market to women and their sophisticated tastes

Me: oh?

Me: like DietCherryVanillaDrPepper?

NeighborGirl: after drinking the dietcherryvan... crap I just feel normal, and a little like Dundalk, where they need all those extra flavors to amuse themselves

NeighborGirl: so their you have it, sophistication comes out rather low-class in the end

Me: lol

Me: excellent break down

NeighborGirl: not bad for half lit if I do say so myself

NeighborGirl: liquor must make me a hay philosopical or something

NeighborGirl: philosophical

Me: nah....I can contest to that though

So remember that crap I told you I read about the beverage companies
adding flavors that appeal to women to make them feel more
sophisticated? Today I drank a Diet Black Cherry and French Vanilla
Pepsi Jazz and it was soooo sophisticated you will never believe what
it tasted like- Pepsi and cough syrup. It was just like back in the
day when I was 15 and I'd sneak a little of my dad's whiskey in a glass
and mix it with shit trying to feel grown-up. Good old Pepsi beat me
to the punch, I never thought to mix in cough syrup with my soda and
whiskey. How's that for sophistication! I hear the Diet Strawberries
and Cream Pepsi Jazz tastes like Pepsi and Jolly Ranchers.

I'd continue this email but I have to go sit in a leather arm chair,
puff on a cuban, and drink my Pepsi and cough syrup so I can feel
important.

Tom Was Little This Year (And Other Useless Internet Banter)

2006-11-26T09:54:00.000-05:00

I hope you all had a wonderful, productive, festive, fulfilling Thanksgiving. (Actually, I could give a fuck, but I figured I'd say something. How was mine? Why...thank you for asking! **rolling eyes** Mine was fun, I would give you the full blast blog entry for it, but come to find out from my gallop poll that it REALLY wasn't THAT funny or at least won't translate to text very well. The synopsis:

AreYouGay? Really is gay, but still considers that normal.
It is inappropriate to make fun of the dead and disabled, but damn its funny.
Kids joke books still suck. I suppose if you are an author of such material your comedic career has hit rock bottom. (Coming to the children's section of a Black bookstore near you...."Knock Knock...It's Kramer!!!" by Michael Roberts)
The family has a new Thanksgiving tradition of re-enacting Thanksgiving dinners from the movies. This year's feature: The Color Purple. "I looked up and saw you, and I knowed dey is a God."
I HATE those broadcast text messages sent from someone's phone. One damn near ruined my Thanksgiving.

Hmmm....Today is Tuesday. Back in the day, this would have been a prime opportunity to do Tell The Truth Tuesday. Given that no one cares any more, fuck it. And that would have been the theme too. Your Thanksgiving....beautiful or dutiful? Reply if you want, who cares...

Did you know that Jay Z has about 4 different Greatest Hits albums? How can that be? Isn't there an industry standard on the number of Greatest Hits you can have? Oh...wait. no there isn't. I think between Jimi Hendrix and The Eagles that shit is out the window. Here is the songlist from Jay Z's most recent greatest hits joint:

1.Can I Get A / Jay-Z

This is a perfect song to start off this list because I can't stand any of the pop songs by Jay Z. This one is no different.

2.Hard Knock Life / Jay-Z

This is the worst one of all. Sucks more than a ho in Singapore.

3.Wishing On A Star / Jay-Z

Don't know this one or it sucks so bad I blocked it out.

4.Can't Knock The Hustle (FT Mary J. Blige) / Jay-Z

Ehhh! Its aight.

5.Ain't No Nigga (FT Foxy Brown) / Jay-Z

This was Jay Z's first aired song. When I heard this I said "Hmmm. Now there's a one hit wonder if I ever saw one." Fancy that.

6.Ride Or Die / Jay-Z

Not sure if I know this one or not. If its the one produced by Timbalan then its ok at best.

7.Brooklyn's Finest (FT Notorious Big) / Jay-Z

Anything with Biggie is tight. Recognize.

8.Imaginary Player / Jay-Z

Don't know this one.

9.Friend Or Foe / Jay-Z

Don't know this one either.

10.Friend Or Foe 98 / Jay-Z

Don't know this one either either.

11.More Money More Cash More Hoes / Jay-Z

cheeseball to the max.

12.City Is Mine (FT Blackstreet) / Jay-Z

Pop goes the weasel.

13.Reservoir Dogs (FT Blackstreet) / Jay-Z

Pop goes the weasel part dos.

14.I Know What Girls Like (FT Puff Daddy & Lil' Kim) / Jay-Z

You're kidding, right? Puff is an album killer.

15.22 Twos / Jay-Z

This is one of those playa for life songs. Please.

16.Money Ain't A Thang (FT Jermaine Dupri) / Jay-Z

Ok, now this is more like it. It's another play for life song, but at least the hook is catchy.

[Jay Z]

Bubble hard in the double R flashin the rings

With the window cracked holler back

Money ain't a thang

[Jermaine Dupri]

Jigga I don't like it if it don't gleam clean

And to hell with the price cause the money ain't a thang

17.Dead Presidents II / Jay-Z

Name sounds familiar, not sure that I know this one.

18.Regrets / Jay-Z

Definitely don't know this one

So it seems as if I'm either not a big Jay Z fan or I'm just an old cruddy and don't know nothing. They don't have any of the songs I like like "Bring It On", "You Don't Know" , "Jigga What". I guess I'll just wait for the box set.

I know its late, but the phrase of the day/Wednesday is "Phat in the tail. " In use: “I don’t know how that girl can get in a size 8 jeans. She gotta be at least a size 10 since she so phat in the tail”.

Know it, use it, good bye!

Blogging Sucks

2006-11-20T11:27:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody. Remember me? Brother Kojak? The salty brotha who always has something to say yet nothing at all? huh? No, no. Not Fonsworth. That guy's a queer. I'm the brotha with the dreds...somewhat altheletic....no, no. Not Ricky Williams. He's all banged up....thinks he's a new jack hippie although I DO envy him for his abs and nipple rings.

No, I'm the kat that had the NFL Preview on the blog? Remember? Here are a couple of reminders:

http://kojak2000.blogspot.com/2006/01/nfl-in-review-dallas-cowboys.html
http://kojak2000.blogspot.com/2006/01/nfl-in-review-houston-texans.html

Ahhh, yes! Now you remember. And to make matters worse, you ain't miss a damn thing. So what's been going on in the last month? oh nothing major....marriage is still a fiasco, no new gig (but at least I'm not unemployed), and I just got a new car with a crappy system. How you gonna sell a black man a car with a half-ass radio? That's absurd. Things I've learned about myself in the last month:

1.) I was fishing around the internet, and found out that I used to have a website bookmarked called www.emptybowl.com. Dude would critque cereal. Stupid idea, but man it came in handy in its own odd way. Sadly, it is gone.

2.) I should leave the partying to the youngin's. I've haven't seen the goddess Heidi in weeks. **sigh**

3.) I start out 80% of my verbal stories as "...this girl I was messin' with..."

4.) I lost about 12 pounds during Ramadan. I gained 15 pounds after that.

5.) I would be doing a lot better in fantasy sports if I let a hot chic draft for me. That way, the other dudes wouldnt pick as well during the draft because they'd be watching her bounce up and down.

6.) I will never be a fantasy sports commissioner again.

Let's start with my weekend. Believe it or not, it was eventful. Friday, 2 of TheOffspring's boys came over and I was asked to help out with that. We took them to dinner, the movies, and then for ice cream. 2 of them didnt go to sleep until about 2 in the morning. I woke up at around 5 to shake the weasel, and one of them (I found out the oldest and yet smallest one) dropped like a Collosus of a load in the toilet. I had to dump ACID down the damn drain man. Like he was holding that for weeks.

So there was my sleep for the rest of the morning AND his Pops wanted to pick him up at 7:30 because he had a game. So that one left, and the other one wouldn't get up until about 10. So we went to IHOP. Sat down and got waited on, but after about 20 mins and 2 tables getting their food before we did, I threw $5 on the table and bounced. PISSED!! It wasn't racism or anything like that, just incompetence. So we went to Burger King across the street and ate chicken samiches. **rolling eyes** My mom called and asked if she could treat them to go-cart racing. I took them there, and on the last lap the other kid (YouTooOldForThat) damn near broke TheOffspring's ankle. TheOffspring was in the parking lane about to get out of the car when shorty ran into his cart. TheOffspring bent over in a weird way and I thought his ankle snapped. He was screaming (I think because he thought that it was going to snap) and I snapped at YouTooOldForThat not because I was mad at him, but because he was so careless....whenever they pitstopped before he had no problem stopping. But of course, when it counts, he smashed him. So both of them end up crying; YouTooOldForThat more so than TheOffspring. I had to give him a peep talk ALL the way to the house. Geez....sensitive.

Sat. night I sat and watched a "Dexter" marathon on Showtime. That's a good show. Check it out if you have cable. I also ended up spilling carrot juice all over the carpet without realizing it. Great. In the morning, after eating some HOMEMADE breakfast grub and scrubbing out the carrot stain with pro strength Resolve like Cinderella, I finally ended up taking YouTooOldForThat home. The rest of the weekend was good too; pizza, beer, and a whole lotta none-ya-business!

Don't expect another post no time soon. Blogging sucks!

TTTT: Late as Usual

2006-10-11T16:25:00.000-04:00

With my sudden bordom with my blog, its really hard to get the Tell The Truth Tuesday out on time. So, it's a day late, but luckily not a dollar short. (wow...AND corny). So I have 2 TTTTs:

1.) What is the incident that make you scream like a bitch?? For example, you at the family reunion and a spider lands on you and you go bananas.

2.) Give us one time where you were late, shouldn't have been, everyone noticed, and you were just plain embarrassed .

Go.

TTTT: Tell The Truth Tuesday (even though its Wed)

2006-09-27T09:25:00.000-04:00

Ok, y'all we haven't done this in a while and its both of our faults. So let's get back on the wagon.

We all get them; some of us have enough will-power to refuse them, others of us just say fuck it.

INDECENT PROPOSALS

I'm looking for 2 things here: name one indecent proposal that you refused, and another one that you accepted. They don't have to be sexual, but I know ALL of y'all have gotten the sexual ones. So when in doubt, go for the draws. I want a response from all my peeps please and yes, keep it anonymous. Go.

Farfig....What????

2006-09-22T11:15:00.000-04:00

The next person I see who comes at me and touts that Farfegnuken shit, I’m gonna punch them slam in the face. Last night, my Farfegshitten landed me slam in a chain link fence on the highway. I was driving down Rt 97 in MD. One of the nicest highways in the state because of the few amounts of speed traps. I’m doing my thing when I notice the wheel begin to veer to the left. I slowed down to correct it, but when I did the car suddenly corrected itself and I went launching towards the shoulder. Only thru the Grace of God did I miss a light post but wore out the chain link fence. I unclenched my jaws (and my ass cheeks for that matter), let go of the steering wheel and rolled down the window. Good. I can get out if the door won’t open. But the door opened and I wobbled out. Up the highway I saw 2 vehicles pulled over. They must have called the poe-poe because one of them sat there until Trooper Friendly showed up. The first sentence out of my mouth was “Don’t worry, officer. Drinking and smoking were not involved, “ as I assumed the position.

OfficerFriendly: What are you doing?
Me: Huh? Oh….nuffin’. I can tell you right now drinking or drugs were not involved.
OfficerFriendly: yeah. Don’t worry about that. Are you alright?
Me: Yeah, I’m fine (fire engine pulls up)
AAFD: You ok? Do you need to go to the hospital? Any injuries?
Me: No. No need for a hospital. Although my shoulder is starting….
AAFD: Ok greatgoodluckbye. (Speed off to the nearest Subway to eat fresh)
Me: Damn. (watching them speed off)
OfficerFriendly: Can I have your license and registration, please?
Me: Ok. (trying to remember if I’m legit as far as tickets, fines, and interstate warrants.) Got it right here.
OfficerFriendly: (After running my steelo) So what happened?
I explained to him what happened. While the AAFD and OfficerFriendly were there, I was on the phone with AAA. Funny…after the accident that’s the 1st thing that came to mind: Somebody get me the fuck outta here. About 20 mins. Pass and the tow truck shows up. But check this out, it wasn’t Bubba with a bad case of butt-crackitis or Willy Bo who talks so fast you can’t understand what the hell he’s sayin’…..

It was my boy Deepak Manjeet?!?!?! Whoa! I have NEVER seen an Indian tow truck driver, let alone a Sikh. I was blown; life is just too damn wild sometimes. He puts the car on the bed and we roll out. After he left, I stood back and took a look at my “new to me” car. My little flashy Jetta with the boomin’ system and slick wheels and black paint looked like it got pistol-whipped by a massive piece of barbed wire. The current symbol of my life. Sleek and silkiness marred by a constant shit beating. The blessing is I walked away from it. Looking at the skid marks, I was about 3 feet away from a for real for real hospital stay. Thank God for that. (See? I told you guys you weren’t missing much. Ugh)

Another Reason I Ain't Shit #3

2006-09-20T11:57:00.000-04:00

This happened about 3 weeks ago and in my hiatus, I forgot to blog or mention it

So I get this call from an unknown number on the cell (I hate that) and its the Offspring's buddy's mother. She was inviting him over for a sleepover for her son's b-day. I said sure, but then it hit me....slam in the face..."self, this is the SMOKIN' hot mom from last year. The one who kept catching you staring at her. Yeah, her." So, as a barely responsible parent, I'm analyzing how I can drop this kid off, be cordial, and get the hell outta there. **snapping fingers** I got it!! I will take the Mother of Offspring. That way, if I stare too much, the ramifications are a week's worth of dirty looks.

The kid gets all of his stuff together for the outing, and NumberOneStunna's direction's get me all hemmed up. She picks up the cell and says "I'll meet you outside." Great.
I swing a u-turn and nearly crash cause DAYYYYY-UM! she's outside in workout gear. Oh no, NOT the frumpy shit you see the busted ass mothers in the PTA and bake sales, but the Under Amour joints. holy cow. Ok fellas, let me describe this chic to you....take Vanessa Williams in her late 20's or early 30's, give her a sexy smile with a slight gap (I don't have a celebrity comparison), and the body of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ta-dow. The top was tight and pink, with short silver bottoms that had the same pink colored stripe. I felt my left eye twitch while my mouth had a slight watering around the edges. "You gotta stop trippin'. Implement Phase II" I thought. Phase II was for BK to be a jackass; talking loud and obnoxious. I must have helped because she just gave me a weird look, a laugh and a shaking of the head. Mother of Offspring wasn't much help; she said hey and never even got out of the car. So to summarize, I get out of the car talkin' dumb shit, literally grab the kid and throw him at her, scoop up all his shit and put it in her arms, and then ball the hell outta there.
The next day I went to pick up the kid, and when NumberOneStunna answered the door, a total transformation. The hair was typed up in a rag and the workout clothes were now sweat pants and a tee. She still was bangin' though. Hmmm.....I wonder if she saw me drooling and twitching the day before?

Oh man! And so what did you miss

2006-09-18T17:07:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the delays in blogging, but BK has been wrapped up in BK. I was telling someone the other day that I haven't blogged in a min. and she tells me "maybe its more interesting to live life than to blog about it. " Profound and shit. Here is a synopsis of what I've been focusing on, for better or worse:

1.) stroking the salami
2.) fantasy baseball
3.) fantasy football
3.) the Offspring's football season
4.) The plight of the Underscores
5.) stroking the salami
6.) injuring the salami
7.) an overall state of jackassedness

1.) We're not going to get into that one too too much. You know the email address.

2.) I got my ass kicked in fantasy baseball. I know baseball is not that popular, so I won't even go over the roster. I came in 4th place out of 8 with a score of 101-100-5. My 2 biggests mistakes: not getting Putz off of the wire, and trading Carl Crawford for Shea Hillenbrand, Kenny Rogers, and Mick Cappauano.

3.) So early and yet so far away. I'm already in 2nd to last place and that's only because the guy in last place did so poorly last week. I have the only team that hasn't scored at least 100 points per game. My premiere players, Ronnie Brown and Cadillac Williams have a combined 2 touchdowns and 85 yards. Gonna be a long season fantasy-wise.....

4.) It was bothering me that we weren't practicing and today I found out why. There seems to be a rift between our guitarist and our drummer. I don't know what it was, but what I do know is that he didn't want her in the band anymore and she said she wasn't comfortable around him. Too much drama for a non-paying gig thus far and all the while our bass player is still 3 weeks away from being homebound to India. Don't you just love happy fucken endings?

5.) and 6.) I'm not going to go too deep into this, but I can tell you that too much activity without the proper external supplements WILL lead to injury.

7.) I've been a jackass lately. In the sense that I'm not being considerate of the feelings of others. I want to blame it on stress, but I think I'm in the early stages of the Curmugeon Syndrome. I'm easily irritated and caring less and less about how abrasive I come off. I hope it's because of all the stress I'm putting myself thru. Either way, the people in my life are getting tiny pieces of hell.

What's today, Wednesday? Damn I just want to stay in the bed, chat on yahoo with some talk radio in the background. I like to have background noise when I sleep. Hmmm....Wednesday also means that its Heidi night. She has a new gig in DC that i have yet to see due to additional dumbness. I'm trying to save my pennies for a move, but I I think I need a fix. Heidi has that effect on me, like the exhale of a menthol cigarette; that slight minty burn that moves through your chest and elicits a quick feel of euphoria when completed.

The _______'s

2006-08-16T09:23:00.000-04:00

Oh man! So I didnt post about the 1st practice for our band. The _____'s. The 1st practice was good considering it was the first one and it was a straight jam session. A bass, a sax, and guitar. I was pleased though; very pleased. I got antsy about the self-proclaimed FunkyFemaleGuitarist guitar player joining us, but knowing how wishy washy musicians are, I wasn't holding my breath for her to show up.

But damnit, lo and behold if FunkyFemaleGuitarist did in fact show up. And like the DOC, it was funky enough. It seems like because of the make-up of the band we are going to be a jazz meets funk, funk meets jazz type quartet. Personally, I would love to add some hip hop into the mix. I have to work on my partners though; I seem to be the only true hip hop head.

So what's next on the plate? We've decided on 2 grooves, practice, practice, then open mic nite. Boom.

Weekly Update

2006-08-04T11:01:00.000-04:00

Hey good people/monkeys. I don't have a ton of time so I'm going to give you guys a crappy summary of my week. It matches since my week was so crappy.

1.) I saw "Rollbounce" on cable the other night. The movie really really entertaining. It was black kid bubble gum and a throwback style which I could relate to. BowWow did a pretty good job. The movie was really well cast too; there were a bunch of kids in the movie who we've all seen as child actors from just a few years ago. If you haven't seen it, check it out.

2.) Keep the prayers/good vibes going for PrettyPussy(Cat). She is having some family issues that she's dealing with. Keep your head up girl. I'm proud of you because you are such a damn soldier.

3.) Saw Heidi Tuesday. Yes, people. That is going to be my regular hang out on Tuesday. She and the band are doing a great job given the limitations. And check THIS shit out...she gave me a hug! I 'bout died. OOoh ooh! AND she talked to me after the 1st set too. She likes chocolate and happily married. **snapping fingers** Damn.
The word on the street is getting out about the gig so if you are in DC you might want to check her out.

4.) NeighborGirl and I had a convo that she deemed bloggable so I will regrettably share it with you. She asked me if I remember the little cupcakes that parents make for kids in school that had the little ice cream cones baked with them. I said barely but I remember moms bringing some cakes and cookies. Some were good, some were bad, but the worst one was the food I bought in one day. It was international day in junior high school and I decided to bring in some nachos and cheese. Why did I get the great idea to heat REGULAR cheese on the nachos? So when it was time to eat out international flavor, I had a big lump of nachos with cheese goo. Brilliant. To add shit on top of shit, I was determined to win the costume contest, so my mom took an old curtain, and cut it into the likeness of a pancho. The print was perfect, but uh...yeah. It was a damn curtain. I wore that shit, had my lumpy nachos, and STILL ain't win. Sweated my ass off walking home because my makeshift pancho's hotness factor. It sucked because it was cool walking there; like cool like the fonz, cool as in temperature. Walking home I remember it being hot as hell though; sweat running down my back to the crack of my hot, curtained ass. Got so bad that I just took the pancho off and put on my stinking gym shirt that was festering in my locker all week. So instead of being damn near faint, I decided to smell my stinking as the full 1.5 miles home. Again, brilliant.

5.) I had a phone interview with one of the Big Six Thursday. Why they calling a nappy-headed brother like me from a Tier 3 school I don't know. I haven't heard anything from them so they must have changed their mind. The resumes are flying like propoganda during the Cold War. Its past that time to make a move.

6.) I have a song stuck in my head....I can't get it out either. But it's really catchy.

Don't have much to say
but I called you anyway
to kiss your
lips in
cyber-space.

you have to hear it; smooooth. Bilal Salaam.

This weekend calls for sun, fun, food, drinks, and maybe some lotion for my dry dizzat.

Peace out monkeys.

Weekend In Review

2006-07-23T11:35:00.000-04:00

Weekend Notes

You know you’re repulsive/creepy when:

A woman walks into a restaurant; she avoids eye contact with you but knows you’re looking at her. (Description: skyscraper tall, shoulder-length auburn curly hair, and a caramel complexion) I would turn around every now and then to check her out, but one time I turned around and she went out the other door. I KNOW I wasn’t leering at her, but my looks were just enough to gross her to the point of going out the other door. Stuck on busted.

Can there be ANY other show on tv that’s more masculine and testosterone injected than “The Contender”? I mean, “Monster Garage” and its rival show with the father and son are all up there, but when the shit hits the fan, do they actually fight? Hell no. That’s all staged. These guys on “The Contender” are going to fight regardless. And the only other form of hand-to-hand combat that’s more savage than boxing is Ultimate Fighting. The funny part is watching this show with the promo commercials for the World Series of Darts. Are you for real? Darts? Does anything else say fat, lazy, white-men-can’t-jump, barfly, no-job-having more so than a dude who can rock you at darts? (and yes, this includes all ethnicities) Hard to be any more of an unathletic athlete than that.

Had another good practice with the Offspring today. Might have to get out there more because he is getting a beer belly. No, I ain’t give him no beer! Regardless, he’s learning and absorbs A LOT more than I anticipated. Should be some interesting results especially since he still doesn’t understand the rules of the game.

Did you know that Tom & Jerry is now Politically Correct? The Offspring and I saw one of the more inflammatory episodes where the maid in the house was the stereotypical big, fat, and black "Mammy" stereotype. At least, that's how it was when I was a kid. Tom was supposed to stay up and catch Jerry, but after a night of partyin' with the fellas the Pussy Lounge, he couldn't keep his eyes open. So Jerry proceeded to help Tom go to sleep so he could get is ass whopped by Mammy. Back in the day, the cartoon would go something like “To-MAS!!! Why you in hurh sleepin’ knowin’ dat mouse is runnin’ around in!” Then Tom would get the broom upside his head. Today we watched it, and she said something to the effect of “Thomas! Why aren’t you attempting to catch that mouse? Don’t you mice are dirty and unsanitary? Get that mouse!” I DEFINITELY don’t mind a more positive spin on how my people are depicted, but Phylicia Rashad I wasn’t expecting.

Looks like I’ve gotten my 1^st White Girl Resume. She has potential given I grew in the suburbs too, but there are some other elements that may take some adjusting. The physical assets, however, are impressive. This resume deserves further review.

NAME:  Renaissance

ADDRESS:  Super white suburb of the city where it’s safe.

HOBBIES: painting my nails

                hiking in the forrest

              identifying North American birds and bird calls

              brushing my hair

              going to museums

LIKES:  crackers and cheese

          romantic movies

          long walks

          pop music and top 40

          putting on lotion

          trying on clothes- white women love to shop

DISLIKES:   coconut- white people hate coconut

               fake nails

               dry skin

               spicy food

Best pic asset:

A Night With Heidi (Finally!)

2006-07-22T22:18:00.000-04:00

WARNING: This post is going to be very chatty and sporatic. We talkin' about my girl now so....yeah. AND blogspot deleted my 1st 2 attempts.

So I'm on the phone with NeighborGirl talking and looking for the jazz spot. I find it, peek thru the window and "Oh my God. That's Heidi! Gotta go..." and abruptly closed the celly shut. I walk in, and I must have had the stupidest look on my face because she immediately smiled at me. The convo with me, Heidi, and my innards went something like this:
Heidi:Hi! Thanks for coming.
Me:**stupid grin and mumbling something incomprehensible**
Innards:rwaaarrwwwwaw...RRRWWA!!
Heidi:**smile** How did you find out about the show?
Me:Uh....I got the thing, the uh...in da emails. Uh...
Heidi:You mean the flyer?
Me:Yeah, YEAH! Yeah, son...I mean...yes. I'm on your mailing list so I saw the flyer and decided to come out.
Heidi:Really? I have you on a mailing list? Wow....when did you get on the list?
Me:Well...I...uh...signed up for the list a while ago.
Heidi:**smile** Oh ok. I thought you saw my myspace page.
Me: You have a myspace page? Damn I hate that site.
Heidi: Yeah, I hate it too, but its so easy to use, it’s a good way for musicians to stay in touch, and I can make announcements without using the email broadcast. **shrugging shoulders**
Me: Great…now I have to create a page just so I can see what’s going on with YOU! **smile** As a matter of fact, I’ll make it when I get home.
Heidi: Alright. I’ll check and see tomorrow. I’ll be looking for it. **smile**
Innards: rwgrwgragarea---awwww-RWRARRR!
Me: YEAH! I mean, yeah. The thing is about the mailing list, I did it a while...let me just say it. I've been trying to keep tabs on your performances for a few years now, and this is the 1st one I've gotten to see since Blues Alley.
Heidi: **gasping** You remembered me from THAT performance? Wow, that WAS a long time ago! That is so sweet! **touching my arm**
Innards: OhmyGodshetouchedme, ohmyGod. Reduce blood flow to lower extremities and take evasive measures! We gotta keep this dummy from tipping over!
Me: **gulp** Yeah I guess. It’s just really good to see you live again. **shifting nervously back and forward**
Innards: **dizzat throbs twice**
Heidi: Why, thank you! It's nice to know that I've kept a fan for such a long time.
Innards: RWAWAAWWRRRR
Me: Garsh. Umm...I'm going to let you finish setting up and I'll set...uh...over here...on this long this thing. BENCH! I'll be over here on the bench. Well, not like in baseball...this bench over here. Yeah. Uh,....have a great set.
Heidi: Ok! See ya!
Innards: Hurry to the bench! HURRY TO THE BENCH!!! We are loosing control of major bodily functions!!!

So I quickly stammered to the bench to gather my bearings. I let my heart rate decrease by checking out my surroundings. It was a typical DC yuppie place; marble bar, tiny rest rooms, small kitchen to serve tapas, floor space for sitting not dancing, and a slightly elevated stage for performers. On the brick walls were pictures of people from the African and Indian Diaspora; REAL freaky. All of them had this blank stare into the camera that was truly unnerving. The crowd was mixed but dominated by lesbians, mostly manly women with a few lipsticks thrown in.
The band then began to play; the music de jour were 2 heavy r&b’ed up jazz pieces, not bad. Not my thing, but I was listening. Then…
“Ladies and gentlemen, now making her way to the stage, the talented Miss Heidi Martin.” She walked on the stage and thanked us all for being there. After a little pow-wow on the stage, she began to sing “Black Ghandi”. Mmmm. That’s all I got to say about that. And as if her voice weren’t sexy enough, I noticed that she has this habit of humming/singing a song right before the band starts playing. Yummy. 3 songs were sung and we applauded the set. Heidi stepped off the stage, and sat right next….to ME! (Well, not exactly next to me; the bassist’s stepson was sitting next to me.)
Heidi: How was it? How was the sound?
Me:**looking at StepsonSon as if to say “dude, say something because I’m so tired of stammering.”
Step-sonSon:Oh it was good. The guitar was a little strong, but still a good set.
Heidi:** looking at me waiting for my input. **
Me:Well, yeah. He’s right. The place is small enough that it’s not that big of a deal, so it still sounds good. You might want to turn your mic up a bit though.
Heidi:Oh ok. Hmmm. I was wondering if you guys could hear me.
Innards: Get that stupid grin off of your face, boy! Damnit! We need a distraction but she is right here. Shit!
**celly rings**
Me: Ahh. I better take this…excuse me.

So I take the phone call outside where there was more cigarette smoke than inside. When I get back in, I just realized that I had someone sitting next to me for the past couple songs. Hmmm! A rather out of place looking woman; she had a conservatism about her that screamed civil employee. But nosey me had to find out more.
I was going to put in the dialogue about this convo, but it’s too long and is of no great consequence. I mean not to say that she was boring, but this is a Heidi post, HEIDI POST! Actually, it was a good convo. She’s a teacher (boom) with classical voice training. She actually got a lunch lesson from Heidi the next day.
So the last set began and both my new friend and I were struggling to keep our eyes open during the ungodly hour for a weekday night. The set went great sharing commentary with my new buddy. The STUPID, mad kool part was when the set was over and they were about to wrap things up when some dude yells, “Do another one!” The bassist goes “What do you want to hear?” Then. Silence. Impulsively, your boy BK shouts, “ Do a poem! Do a slam!” At this point, Heidi was in her chair packing her music and getting ready to roll out. Then she looks up, dead at me and says, “you want me to do a poem?”
Now….let me digress for a second here. Y’all remember that Whitney Houston video “Run to You” when she is in the white dress singing all seductively and the wind blowing thru her hair? Yea, that was me envisioning Heidi saying to me:

Heidi: **breathlessly** You….want me…to do a poem…for you my sexy dredded Nubian king? To put your soul, your spirit at ease…from the safety and comfort of my warm welcoming bosom…. The fruits of my….

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE CLUB, everyone was looking at me, but luckily they couldn’t see my engorged dizzat….

Innards: Wake up, jackass and answer her!!
Me:UH…YEAH! A poem.
**audience claps as Heidi agrees and steps to the stage**

Oh man! You talking about tight! Heidi did a poem while the band did a jazz number in b flat. It was a great way to end the night. I got in my car, with the biggest, pumpkin-eating smile on my face. I called PrettyPussy(Cat) and I must have sounded like an idiot talking all fast like BandCampGirl and squealing like a mouse dragging a trap. No Man Points last Tuesday; I left them all on the bench thingy at the club. Fuck it. I shared time and space Heidi. **sigh**

Fucken Blogspot

2006-07-20T10:26:00.000-04:00

you know, I should have known better than to try to blog and then save what I've written on here. I had 3/4's my experience with Heidi (http://www.heidimartin.com) typed up and ready to go, and I come back here today and the shit is gone. Back to the damn drawing board.

Note to you monkeys: I do not hate white woman. Stop emailing me stupid shit. Find something else to get mad at like slavery in Africa, corrupt politicians, the piss crust around the rim of your toilet bowl. This blog is for my mental health and your entertainment. You don't like it, don't read it and peace out my face. Never been with a white chic and I'm not ruling it out; as a matter of fact I'm taking applications.

Yeah....let's do that. WHITE GIRLS ONLY! Send me sure personal resume and a best asset pic. Maybe its time to sample the vanilla milk.

**rolling eyes**
I'm out like whoa.

No TTTT Today Because.....

2006-07-18T16:07:00.000-04:00

This Summer...Tuesday Nights...begins JULY 18th!!!
HEIDI MARTIN

w/ MICHAEL ANTHONY BOWIE

Janelle Gil~p Mark Prince~d Alvyn White~g

perform originals

http://www.michaelanthonybowie.com/

http://www.heidimartin.com

TUESDAY NIGHTS AT BOSSA LOUNGE

2463 18th St.NW, Adams Morgan-Washington, DC, 20009 202-667-0088
Cost: 2 drk. min/sets at 9:30pm and 11:00pm (JULY 18th-opening night)

Vocalist/composer/arranger, Heidi Martin...

NEWS: Heidi Martin was one of six finalists in the London International Jazz Competition, which featured 107 competitors from 25 nations.

Check out the latest news & recordings from Alone Together cd :http://www.heidimartin.com

Heidi Martin Music
© Pisces-Gemini Publishing Company, Ascap.

My Week Just Got Better Exponentially

2006-07-11T11:50:00.000-04:00

The
girlishy sexy Stacey Dash is naked in Playboy!!

There IS a God, and let the church say AMEN!!!!

TTTT: Naked And Assed Out

2006-07-11T09:36:00.000-04:00

We'll get to the TTTT in a bit but I have to vent 1st. If you buy a brand new car, still got 30 day tags on it, why in the FUCK would you already put decals and stickers on it? I don't know if I've mentioned this kat before (JimiBuffet), but it was his car. I could read the stickers, but I'm sure one of them was or had something to do with stupid ass Margaritaville. Damn he's banged up.

Due to a change of plans I decided to call the Ian(P) against the advice of r and have a meeting with her this evening. I made a couple phone calls and got the low-low on her and I'm good to go. She's a Hall & Oates "Maneater". What out, boy...she'll chew you up!

Um....why does my co-worker like to rub and pull on his lips when he's reading something? He already look like one of the damn Simpsons, don't make matters worse! Hehhe...when he first started, one of my other co-workers used to call him Barney. That shit was funny until I guess released that that hurt his feelings so he stopped calling him that. Funny, but banged up.

And speaking of banged up, let's talk about me. I get up this morning to take a piss. 5:35 AM. I go to the bathroom which is literally 3 feet from the bedroom door. I piss. I come out and my dad greets me. 5:35 AM. "Morning."
Besides being 5:35 AM, what was unusual about this morning greeting? I was bare ass naked. Yes. Naked. Why? Well it was hot last night so it was one of those RARE occassions I rocked a b-day suit. So I'm coming out of the shitter, I peak out, and as soon as I take that 1st step, POP! There he is. Perfect. Fucking perfect.

So...share my pain. What was YOUR most embarrassing moment of nakedness?

Go.

I Can't Hang

2006-07-08T16:19:00.000-04:00

Man....I was going to go to GayPower's cookout today, but I'm really not up for the seeing a couple of men wining on each other. Ish. I ate some hot dogs last night and even though that was hours ago, I'm SURE them bitches would be coming up if I saw that shit.

Very lazy day today...trying to figure out how to get resituated given some unforseen financial mishaps. My brain has also been flowing with some decent entreprenuerial ideas so that's been marinating on my brain too. The offspring and I will be doing football drills as soon as it cools off. This is Week 2 of our spring training camp; so far so good.

No decision on meeting the -Ian(P) yet. Not sure I want to make that drive. I get so damn lazy on the weekends. BUt I can't get too lazy because my ass is broke until next pay. I will be sweating my balls off in the kitchen in a effort to save some cash by fixing my own meals. Wish me luck.

And then came Sunday...

I didn't meet with the Ian(P)this weekend; too much pressure. Not sure if I'm mature enough too do business with a hottie. If she's what I've been told, I'd be too distracted to deal with anything involving real estate. Sa, so sad the mind of the man.

I Hate Everybody

2006-07-06T14:01:00.000-04:00

I have this song in my head called "Lay It Down" by Dwele. Stuck. The worst part is, all I know is the hook. I do know any of the verses. Oh well.

Mad drama over here. I don't want to discuss it because most of you come here to get your laugh or "hmmm...that's interesting" on. So we are gonna keep it light.

Isn't it amusing when you know a man who as just as nosey as a woman? Noseyness gossiping are things usually associated with women (except for Lou Ferrigno in The King of Queens), but every now and then, you get a guy who just can't help himself. My boss hurt his ribs on the 4th. He called in and said he had a rib injury and left it at that. When he came into work today, my one co-worker was all in his business: "What happened?" "Did you go to the hospital?" "Did your wife notice?" "What medication are you on?" And you could tell by talking to him that he didn't want to answer a whole lot of questions because most of the answers were yes or no. I asked dude "why you interrogating the man, Walter Cronkite?" His reply was "I'm just curious." Curious is Standard American-English proper for nosey. Y'all ain't know that, did you?

Ever been jealous of someone you don't even know? I have a friend who has a crazy wild sex life, and periodically she does the 3some with this couple. How lucky is THIS mu fucka? A sista AND a latina at the same time??? Playing with my emotions. Some kats just have it made like that; me, I do my majic with internet pics and some dollar store lotion. I hate everybody.

Weekend should different. My cousin GayPower is having a cookout. From the looks of it, I will be the only straight one there. Again, I hate everybody.

Just got a call from this real estate agent. She wants us to meet this weekend to discuss business in her state. Now, its not likely that I'll buy there, but one part of me says not to rule out all my options. Now, the dizzat waggin' caveman in me says "Hmmm....rumor on the street is that this chica is HOT. You should go just to see what she looks like." Trife livin' on my part. I'll just have to play it by ear and see what I do. Hard to resist a sexy Panamanian. I feel myself oozing out of the chair when she talks. Mmmmmm....

My ShouldBe wife will be in town in a couple of weeks to perform. OMG....I don't know if I can handle it. That voice, the way she throws her hair bag when she hits a long soulful note. Szszszszszs! I think remain seated the whole time and I'll wear 2 pair of underwear just in case I loose it.

HEy! I'm blogged out and shit! Only thing I can think about is Philly, boobs, Panamanian peas and rice, and chocolate martinis. Why...I don't know. Well, I know, and somebody out there knows...and on that, I'm peace the fuck out.

Shmoozing II

2006-06-23T12:00:00.000-04:00

So last night I went out shmoozing again; brown pin striped suit, patterned dark tan shirt, striped tie the color of the suit, the stripes on the suit and a complementary green, and of course, the chocolate slides. I wish I had a funny story about it, but I don't. It was a typical "who are you?" mosh pit of executives for a dinner that was the cost of a lease payment on a Pontiac. It was so rough, that me, the King of Schooze, only got 1 business card. Long night too...from 5:30 until 9:45. The upside? OPEN BAR. And no, the BK did not get lit up. As a matter of fact, everytime I hit the bar I would say "rum and coke. easy on the rum" There was no way I was gonna get caught and be so comfortable with someone that I'd say something retarded like " BOB! What up, SON?! You holdin' it down?"
But those things are always fun to me. I surprise myself how I can be so comfortable in that situation and still go to the barber shop and everything is "mutha fucka" this and "nigga" that.

Today is Tech. Services Hawaiian Shirt Day which included a Mexican Buffet. huh? I don't know, don't ask. All I know is that when it was time to do the group pic, I was GONE! Happy Hour is tonight so we shall see how that goes. The co-worker I don't trust will be there so I'll make sure to pop in and then pop the hell out of there. Thats all I got for now...you monkeys be safe.

I Got A Case of the Reese's

2006-06-22T15:36:00.000-04:00

I gettin' like Reese now, I feel I have absolutely nothing to blog about. Actually, I have a ton of stuff to blog about, but it's really too painful now. I can say this, you don't really know yourself until not only when the shit hits the fan, but when you can smell it. That's where I am not and it would be an even bumpier if it wasn't for my girl DancesWithJesus (yes, there is a story behind the nickname). Thanks, luv. You are a God-send.

One good thing about living in the Baltimore/DC area is the incredible diversity and the number of festivals that go along with that diversity. I've already missed 2 festivals just by blinking. This weekend there is the somewhat-insane Carribbean Festival in DC. My goal this year is to go to both the DC and B-more festivals and juxtapose the 2. I've never gone to both so its high time my old ass gets on it.
The 1st comparison will be DC's Carribean Festival. The Festival takes place on about 8 blocks of Georgia Ave. Floats go by from different area Carribean clubs. The Trinis usually truly represent, but every now and then the Yardies do their thing. Personally, I will nuetral. I'll watch some of the festivities, walk up the street to be with WhatAboutMe and her crew as they DJ on Georgia Ave.
Inappropriateness.
Hey. Friendship is unconditional, right? Then why come I have no problems ignoring this email from a friend even though its for her to go to Thailand and get surgery?

Hi,
Just out of curiosity...
anyone in town on July 4 and able to take me to the airport at 6:00 in the morning?

Shiiiiiiiiit! I ain't the one! Not only would we have to be friends with benefits, those benefits better include ALL of the orifices.

YO!!!! Vida Guerra is naked like whoa in Playboy!!! Life is good. damn good.

Same Shit...Different Era

2006-06-19T11:33:00.000-04:00

In this day and age, we see a lot of multi-ethnic children and interracial couples all over and thats a good thing. It's something I'm used to from upon until I realized one important thing, SOMEBODY has got to give SOMEBODY some. That doesn't always fall in the realm of the same race. But all jokes aside, its good because it means that we as Americans are more accepting of one another.

Maybe.

Racism is still a factor in our day to day lives except now it so underlying its hard to detect. About 10 years ago, I was considering not attending the Million Man March. First of all, because I'm not the greatest fan of Minister Farrakhan. Secondly, because I was listening to the jounalist propaganda of how this march may become violent due to the size of the crowd. What was implied? "You black bastards can't organize shit without police being involved." I talked to Cannonball not to long after that and he said "If we scared of our own people, why bother even waking up?" True to life on that and the March was not a prob because I didn't see any liquor bottles, drug sales, or ass-whippin's. Pop a collar to that!
Ok, I digress because thats a sore spot with me. The point is that the media really tries to keep us Black people "in our place" just by the way some information is dictated. This morning I just happened to be watching the Today show. The update was about the Duke Lacrosse team rape. And as the host (I don't know the new host's name) asked questions to the correspondent, do you know that not ONCE did he refer to the women as such or victims, or even accusers. Each time he made reference to them, they were referred to as strippers. I wish I had a link to the video so you guys could see it, but I waited too long to blog. The underlying message was that these women don't get the consideration that other women do either because of their occupation or because of their race AND occupation. Hmmm.....last time I checked a victim was one who has been violated in some way, an accuser is a person who has accused someone of wronging them, and a woman is a homosapien who has the capability/capacity to bear offspring. The last time I checked, these 2 strippers are all of the above; yet are not referred to as such. Even if both of them are full of their and somebody else's shit, don't they deserve that much respect? To at BARE MINIMUM be referred to as women? Accusers? Victims?

Marinate on that.....

TTTT: Let's Try That Again!

2006-06-13T17:00:00.000-04:00

Alright damn it! We gonna do this shit again!

You...Uglor...Why
Go

AND

name the 5 celebrities/atheletes who you would love to party with and why
Double Go

TTTT: "You sho' Is Ugly!!!"

2006-06-06T10:24:00.000-04:00

Hey monkeys. This week's TTTT is about dating that UGLY kat/chic. You had your reasons, but all you know is that in the street you always got the 2nd and 3rd looks because your partner was stuck on busted. You dated Uglor, but why? How what did you do when you were in public?

Go.

Yeah, It's Me Again

2006-06-05T10:26:00.000-04:00

Wow, I'm such a shitty blogger. I have been busy with my grad party, 10 days of unsupervised Daddy Duty, job search, and a couple of summer projects, man I'm swamped. Oh yeah, and my feeble attempt at getting laid. All huge time takers.

My grad party in summary was small but mad fun. My mom and her buddy went straight ghetto (even though we were in one of the million dollar neighborhoods of Bowie) and made the craziest drink concoction I've ever seen.

1 large sweet watermelon
2 Smirnoff Ices (the one with the orange top **shrug**)
3 1/2 a bottle of Jamaican Brandy
4 3 seconds of white Bacardi rum
5 A heavy dosage of "DAY-um!"

Just to give you an idea of the crowd reaction and vibe, the elixir filled a typical punch bowl, but was gone in about 20 minutes. Whoa. I tried to throw the game on an old classmate, but she didn't have enough of it. One more cup and I would have boning her on the hammock.
And the music? Bangin'. My girl WhatAboutMe did her thing like whoa. She spinned some NeoSoul, Rawkus flava hip hop, and some new and semi-old school hip hop. Oh yes, we got our party on. You missed it.

10 Day Daddy Duty
Mrs Kojak went to Cali for a week. That left me on full daddy duty. Single moms, my hats off to you. That's some work and a half right there. I tried to soften the blow and mutual boredom by checking in at the Sheraton for the weekend. I got a steal of a deal on it and we had a ball. What was odd was the a couple of things.
1.) If you are a participant in a Bar/Bat Mitizfah, is "Everyday I'm Hustling" very befitting for the festivities? Probably. It just didn't match to me.
2.) Who listens to go-go north of Laurel, MD? The next day was a party, looked like a wedding reception. They had a band, an all female go-go band. To those of you who don't know what go-go music is, go download some Junkyard Band, Chuck Brown, or Rare Essence. Oh! Remember "Da Butt" from the movie "School Daze"? Or, a more modern effort is "It's Love" from the "Who's Jill Scott?" Album. Personally, even though I grew up in Arlington, I can't listen to go-go longer than 20 minutes. When you hear the real gully stuff, you'd understand why.

Job Search
You know, when you do a job search and you have experience, landing the next job can be easy if you are just looking to do a lateral move. But when you are attempting to climb up AND somewhat change your desired field, that's when it gets complicated. I'm trying to find another gig, and instead of doing the techie thing, I'm trying to do the business thing, business strategy to be exact. So far, so fair. The good think I've been politicking with some serious heavy hitters; one the VP of a bank, the other two are execs from the State of Maryland. I'm on meeting #2 with one of the state execs, on pause with the other, and the bank VP I've already met. We met at one of Baltimore's most swanky spots. I was impressed by myself, I kept track of all my forks and never dropped my napkin on the floor. I was sweating like a beast though. Not because I was nervous; he eats and shits just like I do, but because it was hot and muggy as shit that day and here I am with shirt, tie, and jacket (all required for the SwankySpot). All and all it turned out well; he is going to be a good source of leads to other heavy-hitters.

Summer Projects
Over the semester, I was attempting to set up a network for a transitional home in the city. VERY difficult with no money to work with. What I will be doing is attempting to continue on with the project and then passing it on to the next set of people from school that will get involved. The other project is to make the website I worked on (well, was supposed to work) this past semester work even better.

Whew! See what happens when you don't blog for ages? And y'all see you STILL ain't miss a damn thing!

TTTT: Ashes to Ashes

2006-05-23T13:12:00.000-04:00

It has come to my attention that there are some white people who don't know what ashiness is. No, it has nothing to do with smearing the ashes in the fireplace on you, but it has to do with the lack of the good lotion on your body. White people get ashy too but because of their complexions, its harder to see. When your ass is as black as mine, ash stands out like a brother at the Grand Ole Oprie.
So the Tell The Truth Tuesday of the week is: When was the most embarassing instance of ash? (For example, going to workout and your knees look like they've been dusted for fingerprints)

Go

TTTT: Happy Mother's Day!!

2006-05-16T13:22:00.000-04:00

First of all, if you haven't read it yet, Reese has a new post on her site that is not necessarily funny, but culturally cute. Check it out when you get a chance.

I know its late, but Happy Mother's Day to the remaining mothers who read this blog. And since this is your forum to tell it like it is and how you want, why don't you share with all the non-mom the one thing you are NOT allowed to talk about on Mother's Day, the thankless, grotesque, heinous, "I should have kept my draws on" crap you have had to deal with as a mom. Nothing cutesy, but the really shitty shit. And please, more of something specific as opposed "My daughter is a bitch" or "my son is an asshole"

Ready? Go.....

2006-05-10T09:10:00.000-04:00

Ever wonder how people perceive you? I found out a couple days ago that someone who is an industry heavy-hitter told a colleague that he found me impressive. Me. Shit-talking, joke-making, Brother Kojak. Its amazing what some people see in you, and just as amazing as what some others DON'T see.

Do you know what blocking is? That's short for "cock-blocking". That term is no longer PC and blacks don't say "cock" so it got shortened to just blockin'. There is this kat at work, let's refer to him as ChiefBlocker...dude is ALWAYS blockin'! He blocks on all the young women too, but particularly the one I referred to as Blondie some time ago. I don't know what's changed from then til now, but dude has changed. Like the last time I went over there, I barely got in the door before he jumped up with the handshake "how you doing, BK? Everything alright?" Everything be alright if you let me talk to the person I intended to talk to and peace out my face. Shit!
Today was no different. My boy/co-worker DoubleR went there today to fix Blondie's computer, and before he could sit down at the desk "Hey! What's up? What you doing?"
"I'm..uh....fixing this computer."
"Oh, oh. Ok. That's cool."

Then he's working on the computer and she mentions that her computer at home is all banged up for some reason or another. ChiefBlocker says "Yeah. What you need is a man to come over there and fix that for you." Ok, note the strategy behind the block. Here DoubleR is, a computer pro while ChiefBlocker is not. Yet he still says "You need a man to come over and fix that..." Insinuating "Hmph! This mutha ain't no man. He might be able to fix a computer, but he still ain't no real man. I might be able to fix your computer AND I'm a real man." DoubleR was not or never will be trying to get at Blondie, and yet; the block. Its a damn shame. That's his steelo, block until blocked. Now I'm curious about what's going on between those two. According to my sources, absolutely nothing. I think the Chief needs a nice warm hug from another man while he's told "It's ok, brother! I'm on your team! We can do this together. You ain'ts got to block, man!"

Unfortunately, I've been blocked by him too many times. Its on now! Not because I want to get at Blondie, just on GP. I can't go out like that; doesn't he know I got a Phd??(playa hata degree)

And I ain't making any trips anywhere! My ass is broke!

Imma Soldier

2006-05-08T13:11:00.000-04:00

Celibacy. Hmph! Fancy that.

I'm going to try and blog today, but I have so many crazy things going on in my life I don't know what's kosher to blog and what's not. Don't worry, its all legal. The best way to say it is my wife is pissed at me; this time it may be perpetual.

MMM. Ever eat salt and vinegar chips? They have this weird effect of like scratching the sides on my mouth making me feel like a victim of a bad Botox injection. They good though!

Weekend was pleasantly uneventful. Gorgeous all weekend too. Sunday I stayed home and chatted and watched indie movies. PrettyPussy(Cat) called and asked me wtf was wrong with me. I said nothing and her response was "Something's wrong. you sound pathetic." Pathetic. I have NEVER been called pathetic. So with that. I went to the mirror, looked at myself and said "Aight, man. You've moped around long enough. You have 15 more mins of acting like a pussy and then thats it." After that, the rest of the day was great. Watched movies all day, played on the computer, then had dinner with my mother and son. All good stuff. But before I forget, I would like to thank PrettyPussy(Cat) for being such a great friend all these

Today I get an email from one of my advisors. He asked me to come meet him so we can talk. I get there, and he tells about how one of the contest advisors (Baltimore's Mosh Pit) was impressed with me. You ain't think I didn't shoot dude an email?!?! Shiiiiit! For better or worse, I'm an opportunist. And when it comes to the job market, I'm a fox; when you leave the henhouse open, I'm taking me a chicken!

Hmmm...celibacy...chicken. I think tonight I will fantasize about eating baked chicken off of an asian chick with big boobs.

Brother Kojak's Top 15

2006-05-05T13:35:00.000-04:00

Here are the hottest honeys in the entertainment industry based on 1 criteria; how much does she make me rub my dizzat? You know how we men (particularly us brothers) rub ourselves as if to keep the dizzat from jumping out of our pants? This list is based on that effect; the higher the woman is rated, the harder I would end up rubbing myself. Hey, trife is life!

(honorable mention) Nicole Lyn: She’s been in a bunch of small stuff, but I fell in love with her in the movie “Feast of All Saints”. She was really pretty and cute, but her womanhood was exposed in the voodoo ceremony scene. I feel bad for enjoying that scene, but her boobicles were just talking to me the whole time. I had to put on a bib too. Why is she at the bottom of the list? Because she is married to crooked-domed Dule Hill from “The West Wing”. Hurt-ting!

15. Cynda Williams: It is really disappointing that this gorgeous being is not in more movies. I think she screwed up when she had her big chance in “Mo Betta Blues”. She really wasn’t that good in it, but she oozed sexy in the movie. She has done a few more movies, none of them big. Don’t expect her here on the next list; mother nature is winning the beauty battle here.

14. Vanessa Williams: She was my number 1 for years. Vanessa had the fine wine effect, she just seemed to look better as she got older. However, those days are gone.

13. Stacey Dash: She would be WAY up on the list if she had a cup size bigger than a Dunkin' Doughnuts mug.

12. Lela Rochon: I used to go back and forth for my #1's between her and Vanessa Williams. Recently, motherhood has dealt her a bad hand. I mean, REAL bad. She now looks like her own uglier older sister. She really is only on the list because she was soooooooooooo bangin' in "Boomerang".

11. Amarie: So....damn....SEXY!!! Woo hoo! The only problem is how small she is. No ass, no boobs, just legs and a very pretty face; almost the same effect as Stacey Dash except Amarie can move. Movement my friends, is ALWAYS sexy.

10. Jennifer Lopez: The infamous J-Lo. She really shouldn’t be on this list, but I guess I’m giving her props based on the J-Lo from back in the day, pre-Ben Afleck. Mostly everything else about her bothers me though; the smaller bootie, the less ethnic look, marriage to goofballs. Still a beautiful woman, just ain’t got good sense.

9. Chenoa Maxwell (from the movie “G”): This woman is an acquired taste. Glueman seemed to think she looked like a cheetah, I on the other hand panted like a dog every time she entered a scene in the movie. The sex scenes ain’t hurt either.

8. Nicole Ari Parker: Sexy sista all day. This Baltimore native has the sexiest eyes of the entire list. A little on the small side, but she can definitely get it. I’m hatin’ on the husband though. These damn light-skinned trying to take over the domain!

7. Lisa Raye: Mmm mmm mmm. A ‘Round the Way Girl makes it to Hollywood and THEN marries a dignitary. I just look at her just wish she was a popsicle.

6. Carmen Electra: Something is wrong with this chic. She is hot as FIRE and just…is…(damn, how do I put this nicely)…uh…dumb as an unflushed turd? She’s been in more films lately, dumb shit, nonetheless so I guess it makes sense. But for every interview, her IQ or CSQ (Common Sense Quotient) seem to go down. I mind is a terrible thing to waste and her ass doesn’t even know what the United Negro College Fund is.

.5. Alicia Keys: Alicia used to be very sedate with her performance criteria as she is more of an artist than performer. One day, she went to an image consultant and the consultant said “You are striking. Maybe you can leverage your beauty to sell more records.” I have a good idea when that happened too….when she performed for last year’s Grammy Awards with the spaghetti strapped sequenced dress with the long slit up the side. My oh my.

4. Selma Hayek: Always sexy always hot. It was hard putting her this low but when you see the top 4 you’ll understand why. She STILL gets props for the striptease in “Dogma”.

3. Eva Mendes: She is always getting the role of the hot Latina who dates the brother, but shit, who’s complaining? She is just sexy for no reason and her pout puts Angelina Jolie’s pout to shame.

2. Mariah Carey: Mmmm mmm mmm! Can’t nobody fuck with Mariah! No one! Not even my #1 pick. Mariah is categorized as one of my favorite types of women: the Nasty Ass Broad. There is nothing better for a man to have than the knowledge that when he goes home, ANYTHING goes. Mariah was #1 on list when she was crazy; love how she showed the world how much of a bitch Carson Daily is. I love it! The ho-ish videos, the boob jobs. Man. I really can’t get enough. I think if I ever saw her in person on the street I’d probably scream like a bitch AND cry like one.

1. Vida Guerra: Numero Uno. Miss Guerra is a damn phenom. Thru the miracle of genetics, you can’t tell if she’s a white girl who’s built like a sista or a sista who is very fair. Funny thing is you’d be kinda right either way because she’s of Cuban descent. She doesn’t act, she doesn’t sing, she just models. She is the prototypical girl in the videos with the big juicy bootie. Yes, she is the stereotype mamas want to their daughters to stay away from. Yes, she is a one trick-pony and that pony is trife. Yes, she is not the smartest player on the team (still smarter than Carmen). But when all is said and done, Vida is the banginest chic out there. She has a bunch of elements that I’ve mentioned in the other women. Imma marry her ass one of these days…..(yeah right)

The Sistas

2006-05-05T13:25:00.000-04:00

What a weekend! Drama all over the place that will not be revealed until a time when the waters have calmed down. But what I can blog about is the fashion show Cannonball and I went to. "Fashion show?!?! YOU of all people Brother Kojak?? I'm shocked!" Please monkeys, make no mistake this was no typical fashion show and my presence was definitely an anomonally. You see, Cannonball and I went to the fashion to egg on and harass one of his clients who is a QITter (Queer In Training). He's a 6'2, dense mama's boy and the "rasping" was just.....unavoidable. I mean, this big ass boy walking around timid like a bald-headed cat; come on! Cannonball egged me to go, but shit, that wasn't hard to do. So we went out and Cannonball's 1st words were "Aww man...what's DIS shit? They ain't got no stage...mmm" For some reason I wasn't bothered. Inside I knew that the festivities were about to begin. The layout was one big room with lights taped to the floor, a couple of tables with snacks on them, and a curtain that separated the models from the audience. And SOME of you know how WE do as a people...the show was supposed to start at 6:00 and didn't start until 6:30ish. So then the show starts, and the emcee announces that they have a local artist to sing. And out thru the curtain pops this Amazon warrior meets Jill Scott meets Monique. Whoa. Afro puff hairdo and red opened back dress (THAT....was not good).I mean, she sounded good, but all that red walking up and down the aisle was crazy distracting. I mean, she had on a girdle and it STILL ain't help. Mmmmm mmm mmm.
So the models come out. The 3rd model that came out, I almost stood up and said "damn!" But I maintained. Cannonball and I both asked the woman who convinced to go how old short was. "15 and y'all better calm y'all asses down!" Oh well.
After the 1st set, there was another singer who came out and did his thing. He was pretty good. I think he was on the down-low, but whateva honey. Keep that shit on your side of the fence. Nil Scott came out again but this time with a much more sedate outfit; definitely more Jill Scott than Monique. Oh I forgot...there was this one model who came, and I had to start fanning myself like an old lady in church. MMM! 5'8ish, dark honey complexion, shoulder length hair, ample bosom, and legs that went on for days. There was this one sequence where she stopped and posed for about 4 minutes right in front of us and I was stuck on stupid looks. I tried not to stare but, hey...you know.
Right before the last set this other local artist came out named CR. He was pretty good. I think he was on the down-low, but that's just a suspicion. Plus he's a male singer, so who cares anyway?
So they end the second to last set (the aforementioned one above) and this guy comes out and says "I'm sorry y'all, but we cannot continue until some of you move your cars. We are not supposed to be on the grass..blah blah blah". Apparently they had oversold the event and people were parking all over the place. Cannonball looked at me and said "Let's roll. 'Specially since there's only 10 mins left." Bitter that I didn't get a chance to cross paths with AmpleBosom, I got up and left with my boy. Damn I'm greedy. But everyday yet dolled up sistas doing their thing on the "runway"? Niiiiiiiiiice!
We drove on over the motorcycle spot; for those of you who don't know (most of you I presume) in the Wabash Shopping Center is the parking lot of Wendy's. Every Sunday a bunch of kats get in their motorcycle garb and meet up there. I was surprised that the egos were on low. Maybe because it was early in the season. Then all of the sudden, you hear these grunty, burping engine noises. "Awww damn. Here come the assholes." and it was a fleet of dirt bikes with riders doing wheelies up and down a busy Northern Parkway. Slowly but surely, the real cyclist left leaving the dirt bikers to doing their wheelies and tricks for hot assed teenaged girls.

But back the title of this entry. The Sistas. The beautiful shades of cocoa, the full (which is subjective) lips, the high cheekbones, and the booties that can be compared to no other booties on the Earth. Sistas, thank you for being you. And thank God I live in an area where 6 months out of the year I can capitalize on seeing as much as your beauty in shorts and tanks as much as possible.

TTTT: Oops! 'Cuse me

2006-05-02T09:59:00.000-04:00

I was working late last night and my co-worker didn't know I was in there with him.

BWOOOOMP!!!

What the...? Dude just farted no problem! Damn!

Which leads me to the TTTT for the week; where is the most embarrassing place you cracked your ass?

Go.

People Ain't Shit

2006-04-27T13:39:00.000-04:00

Music: Ghetto Boys- Die, Mutha fucka

You know, isn't it a positive thing that people care enough about themselves to get checked out for HIV? There is a bus outside of the campus giving free test to anyone and some of my fellow UB employees are snickering and giggling at the people waiting to get tested. What type shit is that? I mean, sure, maybe you can't get laid and abstinence is the best protection, but some people can and some people slip up. Better safe than spread the hivvy like mayonnaise.

I haven't blogged in a while....what have I got going on. Hmmmm....

Oh! Perpetual doghouse at home. I'm cut off from everything; even food and water. I'd be cut off from shelter too if I wasn't so intimidating to a would-be intruder.

School is almost done and I am SOOOO mutha fucken glad! I've had senior slump all semester and would not be surprised if I busted out with 2 C's. Oh well! I walk, SON!

Job. Job is good, but I'm ready to make more cheese. I've had my resume out there and so far I've gotten a lot of bites. I've already had to turn down one job because it was in the boonies. Decent pay, great learning environment, but in the middle of no where. So either UB starts kicking out more cheese or I'm le Bounce

Social life? What a fiasco. I've ostracized so many people in the last couple months and I don't know why. I think I'm turning into Michael Douglas's character in "Wall Street" except I'm not the cut throat type. When I was in that contest, man! The whole business strategizing and "busta cap in their proverbial asses!" mentality was invigorating. I don't think I've ever had a high like that from work before. Hard work at that too. And sex? Chile please. I ain't had that in so long I don't even know what that is. Took make matters worse, I've been turning it down! Yeah! That's right. I have no idea why...I've had a few indecent proposals lately and I can't seem to step to the mic. It's so bad now that if I BOUGHT some pizzat I probably would just sit in the room with her and make irreverent remarks about her body until my time was up. That's just gay.

Speaking of gay, I had a gay laden (pardon the pun) weekend last weekend. Friday night I took my hip hop kids (all growed up...**sigh**) roller skating. Friday night is exclusively for pre-teens and teens. It was great to see kids that age enjoying themselves without acting retarded or like they missed their meds for the day. Anyway, I saw about 2 or 3 gay boys on the floor skating and I was like "hmmm...starting early. Very good..." When we left, those 2 and a few other in the Rainbow Crew were hanging out outside of the rink dancing. It looked like Le Cage Au Faux meets What's Happening. There was even some booty dancing. Ish.
The next day was my cousin's surprise b-day luncheon at one ofNeckbone's favorite spots (you know the place, dude!). As usual, my cousin's friends where there in all their Banana Republic glory. The twist was that it was a kindergarten party so we ate cake off of Star Wars plates and all of the gifts she received were toys, coloring books, etc. Uh...yeah.
The beautiful thing about that was that she has friends/gf who care enough to do that for her. I thought about the last time someone had ever done that for me; and it just depressed me for the rest of the weekend. Not that I want a surprise b-day party, but it would be nice to know that you had people who cared about you that much.

And on a much happier note, its Spring, the ladies are taking more fashion risks, and I don't need glasses to see it.

Later
BK

Always American

2006-04-21T08:31:00.000-04:00

You know, I frequently come on here and blast white Americans for stealing black Americans style such as giving a pound (fist-to-fist acknowledgement), the famous but fading "you go girl!", and the hand shake with the finger snap.
Well, as proof of American's willingness and desire to conform with each other, Glueman saw a brother of Hershey's chocolate skin, shoulder-length dreds and a really nice suit. All completed with a pair of matching flip flops.

A suit.

And a pair

of fucken

flip flops.

Those of you who know me know I can't STAND to see anyone in flips who aint on the beach. I mean, we are on the East Coast in the spring. The hottest day so far has been 80 degrees. How the hell can you rock some flip flops? And brothers should just know better. I dont remember my grandfather or father EVER wearing them so its not like its a fashion thats resurfaced. Sandals, yes. All day long. Flip flops. Please. Men need to keep those for the beach or the locker room as shower shoes.

American Conformity. Hoorah.....

TTTT: Stuck on Gay

2006-04-11T12:25:00.000-04:00

I had no TTTT topic for today UNTIL this morning when I finished my workout. I was heading to the showers and I can really get a towel around me snuggly so I usually don't bother. So why come I noticed that dude was looking at my ass from the corner of my eye? Why is that? It wasnt a gay stare, but he was damn sure stuck on gay for peepin my crack.

So for TTTT today, complete this sentence: "I was stuck on gay when....."

Go.

TTTT: My Boss Ain't Shit!

2006-03-28T00:11:00.000-05:00

Work is hell. Who wants to do it? None of us really and it would make life so much easier if the boss got with the program. So what is the most trifling thing that your boss (or a boss at some point in time)has done to you? If you sought out revenge, what did you do?

Go.

DID YA SEE THAT?!?!?! (Part II)

2006-03-27T07:12:00.000-05:00

HELL TO THE YEAH!!!

The George Mason Patriots did it AGAIN!!! TWICE!!!!

Un-fucken real! George Mason, one of the schools that Billy Packer and Jim Nance bitched about like 2 house hens are now in the Final Four. Friday night they beat a would-be vegenance driven Wichita State (Mason beat them at home early in the season) in a game where Mason never lost the lead. That was surprising. But for the Patriots to beat the almight University of Conneticutt, a team that recruits internationally, is just unfathomable. On the radio this morning they are talking about this game being the greatest David vs Goliath of all time. U Conn is a bigger team and yet
Mason out rebounded them. U Conn held Mason to 3 points off of the bench, yet Mason's starters all scored in double figures. Phenomenal.

I'm not one of those "you can do anything you want...follow your dreams". Yet on this weekend, George Mason goes to the Final Four and my cousin premiered her 1st movie (check out my other entry).
Maybe the "you can do anything you want...follow your dreams" way of thinking is garbage, but it speaks volume of what you can do if your best effort is put forward. The heart can be a mighty hunter.

The Sex Headache

2006-03-22T09:51:00.000-05:00

I think I've mentioned on here several times about the disasters of a sex headache. That's when you go sans sex for at least a week and everytime you think of a sexual act you get a damn headache. Well, since I've been cut off at home (or rather cut myself off), I've discovered a new stage in the sex headachitis; the shakes.
Yeah, so if I think about sex with a woman, I get these little quick tremors. This mainly occurs in the shoulders and neck. I was told by this woman that not only do I do that, but there is this curious pattern:
1.) I won't be able to finish a sentence
2.) I look off into space
3.) I turn my head and grunt

Pitiful.

I think this week will be a good time to start going back to the mosque. I am BUGGIN'!

DID YA SEE THAT?!?!

2006-03-19T17:17:00.000-05:00

HUH?? HUH? DID YA?

For those of you sleepin' on the Cindafellas:

Yes!! The green and gold got their man all weekend long. First with the so-called upset over Michigan State, then with the for real for real upset over the Baby Blue Boys Of North Carolina. Mason got off to a crappy start with a 16 to 2 deficit in the first half led by Jai Lewis and Folarin Campbell. After the 2nd half, the two teams exchanged the lead half a dozen times only to have the Patriots pull head for the win.
This is the 1st time GMU has ever gone to the Sweet 16 and only the 2nd time a team from their conference has gone that far.

A little history about me and GMU....I went there for 7 years for my engineering degree only to flunk out with 40 credits left. Ain't that a bitch? how stupid is that? Anyway, when I went there, the team sucked ass. Mason's rival school is James Madison U, who used to kick our asses all the time. Here's how sucky the Mason was back then; they used to play all these exhibition games against bs teams like Mobile One Oil because they sucked so bad. One of those teams was this Russian team. They came to VA sick as dogs; the whole team caught the flu on the way over there and they could only suit 4 kats. They still played the game, and beat Mason. Yes, 7 brothas, 3 white boys, and a David Justice couldn't beat 4 non-American white boys. Trife.

That was a long time ago; and today, that memory makes today's memory that much sweeter. To borrow a phrase from my illegitimate dad, Telly Savalas, "You've come a long way baby."

Top O' The Mornin' Laddies

2006-03-17T16:10:00.000-05:00

Its St. Patrick's day; a day that has been meaningless to me since birth.

Until this year. This is the first time I've made a conscious effort to celebrate the "holiday". Here are the steps I've taken:
1.) Attempting to get a shamrock tee shirt from Target
2.) downloading some Irish music to listen to throughout the course of the day
3.) drinking green beer for the 1st time ever. EVER.

Here the steps that were thwarted:
1.) All of the shirts were sold out and the best match was a Mickey's shirt, and that was 3 sizes to small. I did manage to pull out my ratty green Mecca shirt. It works in the pinch.
2.) found some Irish music, but I damn sure wasn't going to spend my workday listening to the O'Leary Boys or the Black Irish. I was thinking more of like the House of Pain, U2, or the Dropkick Murphys.
3.) There is still an opportunity to do this. Not sure where or how since I have Daddy Duty tonight, but we shall see.

The only thing missing would be some Irish poon-poon. I know one Irish-German chic...(I think she counts) but my chances with her are slim. Ahhh! There is a hot number that we all know by the name of Blonde who is Irish.....looks like I will be making a phone call TO-night! Gotta get my St Patty's Day one way or another, right?

Some Shamrock po-nanny would be nice, but I will tell you all a story about my best St. Patty's Day memory. It was about 6 years ago and a bunch of us computer geeks from work decided to go to the Bahamas. The day before St. Patty's, we booked the trip. To celebrate the next day, HotRod (one of the nerds) invited a bunch of folks over his house for drinks. That was the first time I got a (damn, I forgot the term. Its when you lay down and someone pours liquor in your mouth until you make them stop) _____. You talk about fucked up?? Whew! Took me hours to recouperate. The best part was watching the girls do it. The ones that didnt do it well (very few) got it all over the front of their tops...hhehehe...yeah. **smile**

I'm glad you all are enjoying my continued demise. All I was doing was trying get a little some-some on the side. I guess that what I get, huh? Geez, the Pimp Juice done gone sour.

You Should Know Better

2006-03-15T19:48:00.000-05:00

Besides my hot wannabe love affair with Heidi Martin, some women you should just stay clear of. I’m one of the more hardier kats on the East Coast, but even I can’t deal with a select few. I never tell you all about my personal life and I’ve been misbehaving lately; one of the reasons why I haven’t blogged in a while. Of course, karma is a bitch with big ass teeth.

So I’ve been getting all hot and heavy with this hottie I met on the Internet in AZ. Fits the BK’s profile: Latina, Coke bottle figure and just enough attitude to be interesting.
And so the dance begins. I IM her, she IMs me. We probe each other about very every day things and I gradually stir up her curiosity about my sexual prowess and let it simmer on her brain like gumbo. Each day, I break down her barriers gradually. She diggin’ me, I’m diggin’ her. Then the faux pas……

I told her we would have some very pretty Blatino kids. “Blatino? What’s that?”
ME: “Hehehehe, that’s the ghetto term for Black and Latino biracial children.”
TheCutter: Hmmmm….uh, how about no?
ME: Ok ok. I was just messin’ with you…..kinda.
TheCutter:Hmph.

So things are no longer tantalizing. Merely, interesting. One of the main things that kicked off the possibilities was her making a trip to DC for work. There was still talk of the hot and bothered rendez vous, but something didn’t seem right. I realized that I needed to hit the bag of tricks.
Her long weekend in DC arrives, I met her at the hotel lobby and we are off. I play reluctant tour guide as I grew up in the area so none of the stuff is a big deal to me. We go get some lunch, that’s cool. No more references to blatino offspring. Smart. It starts to get dark and I’m a little gassed behind all the driving and touring. She agrees that we go back to the hotel room so I can rest and she can freshen up. She heads to the bathroom and is what seems like teasing me in reference to my subtle yet aggressive advances. So I do a quick check…..
Breath: check
Smellum (cologne): check
Foot odor: tolerable
Ball cheese: ehhhh….oral was probably out of the question anyway.

She comes out. Hmmm…no hot ass nightie. No naughty school girl outfit, no belly dancer outfit. A pair of sweats and a tee. Uh oh. This ain’t lookin’ good.
In a panic, I go straight for the jugular; literally. She seems receptive, but out of the blue I get the “hey pal” double pat on the chest….pat…pat “YOU’D, better get going. I have some stuff to take care of and I need some privacy.” And while I’m gaping at her speechless (yeah, ME speechless) she’s leading me towards the door with all of the cordialities and pleasantries one would expect of a blonde haired, blue-eyed debutante, which she ain’t. The next thing I know I’m in the hallway facing the door. Not even her door, the one on the opposite side of the hallway. How in the SHIT did THAT happen???
I’m all banged up at this point. “I knew something was wrong, but what the hell was it?” I go home, read thru the emails, listen to any possible unsaved voice mails; I even went back thru the notes that we sent each other on the meeting site (yes, that spot will remain unnamed). Nothing.

Then I remember myself staring at her pics, then glancing at the some of the stuff she had on her page. “I was born and raised in Phoenix, but my folks are from Bolivia and Venezuela…”
“…I like hangin with my girls, dancin’…”
“blah blah blah”
Then it hit me; “Important Stats”
Hometown: Phoenix
Status: Dating
Birthday: April 11, 1974…..

“damn…another Aries.”

Copyright 2006, Son. All Rights Reserved and shit.

Salty Dog

2006-03-08T23:19:00.000-05:00

It has now been a week for being cell phoneless. That means all of the potential opportunities to creep on the wife that were hopeless in the 1st place REALLY don't mean shit now because I can't call anybody. This looks like another SPring with Rosie Palmer. She's an old girl, but she's reliable and always there when you raise your hand for her.

Alright enough of that shit. But I am phoneless and that will be for another 4 or 5 days looks like. Also, I didnt even make the cut for Baltimore's Mosh Pit; the place where students compete for venture capital seed money. Its one thing not to win, but to not even make the cut? Man I was blown. I can't to see the ideas that made it because mine was pretty damn good. Last year's winner had the idea to have digital map kiosks all over the city for tourists to use to get around. Gimmie a fucken break.

The good news is days like this are great fodder for working out. I will be on the weight bench thinking about the narrow-ass bitch man who sent me the bulk email saying "Even though you didn't make the cut, don't give up on your dreams..." How about this, how about I catch you in the alley and don't give up on whoppin' yo ass? how bout THAT!??

The weather is getting nicer and the HON-NEYS be out, SON! There is this one girl who I saw yesterday; no coat on and it was cold and windy.

ME:Girl, where is your coat?
HER:It's right here **nodding towards arm**
ME:And uh....WHY is it not on you?
HER:**giggling** It's nice out here! **walking opposite direction**
ME:Mmmm Hmm!

Then I got to check her out. You know, the wintertime be hiding stuff. We just exchanged names recently, and I don't know where she is from. Wherever she's from, SOME brotha snuck up in the gene pool because she had a str8-up apple dumplin'. "Whoa" was my response. And this year I have a digital cam?? WHAT???? Life is about to get TRIFE!

Ok. I'm going to go drown my sorrow with my man, Jack. He is one of the Daniels boys. He got a cousin name Evan who is mad cool too. He may join the party at some point in time.
I'll let y'all know how the hangover goes. I'm out.

TTTT: Lost ALL the Kool Points

2006-03-07T11:26:00.000-05:00

Ever been around someone you were trying to impress and just LOST it? I mean, either start crying in front of them out of frustration or fall and bust your ass in front of them? Give an anecdote about you not being able to hold it down in front of that one you truly desired. Try to avoid the high school stories if you can since most of us have been there done that in almost the same way...fall and bust your ass.

Go

Stuck On Bastard

2006-03-02T06:19:00.000-05:00

**Now playing: "I'll Be Around", Cee-Lo**

What's up monkeys? BK's latest development; stuck on Bastard. That basically means that whatever I seem to do, I get the bastard designation and its coming mostly from the finer species. Umm. Why a bastard? I think because I've reached an age where if a problem arises and I think I can't resolve it, I kind of take it with a grain of salt. This really seems to upset women; the fact that you are not as upset as they are. Case in point; I have a classmate who apparently had a shitty day at work. During the day, she asked me to come by and help her with her homework. I told her, and I quote "we are pretty busy today, so please don't hold your breath." Didn't get a chance to make that. When I saw her last night in class, I got the eyes AND neck rolling. You white guys don't know nothin' about that, but when you get the neck added to eye roll, you are about to get it. And the brothas know what's next: one hand on the hip and the other with the index finger prominently pointing in air at shoulder height rotating. "Hey, sorry I didnt make it Un-hotChristianAmazon. We were really busy...."
Un-hotChristianAmazon: **eye rolling begins, followed by the neck roll, which quickly conjoins the postion** Umm hmmm! I see how it is. Ask BK for a little help, and he "pretends" like he busy at work. That's aight though. You KNOW Imma remember that!"
Now what gives me the Bastard designation is my reaction. I have this reaction to all things "Hmm. I guess that's a problem, huh?", I laugh.

Not a sinister "Hahahaha dumbass!", but a reactionary, "Oh man this is awkward" laugh. The problem with that is, those who know me personally know that I laugh frequently and stay on Jokes. So when I laugh, the first thought is one of condescension. It comes with 10+ years of marriage. As a man, we are reactionary. You can either get defensive, offensive,laugh, cry, or knock the shit out of the woman. I usually take the 3rd option which has seemed to be almost as detrimental as the any of the rest.
So that's been me all week, the Bastard, El Híbrido, Le Hybride. **shrug** I'm just old to be sweating every detail. I'm turning into my grandfather; the answer to a woman's needs is either with your wallet or you best David Copperfield impression.

TTTT: Cell Phone Trifeness

2006-02-28T14:19:00.000-05:00

This is a tough one, but everyone has a good cell phone story...talkin to that hot guy and suddenly the phone falls in the toilet, taking inappropriate pics and sending them to the wrong kat. You get the idea.

Go.

The Absentee

2006-02-26T10:33:00.000-05:00

Man, if it weren't for Tell The Truth Tuesdays, I wouldn't be blogging at all. I have a lot of things going on like school and some very odd personal issues I'm dealing with. Nothing major, but I've decided some of those are too personal to blog about at this time. I had some really cool things on tap for this blog, but it seems that some of my fellow bloggers are going thru the same Bloggers Block that I am. I've read some of my old shit to see where I fell off, but it seems like I've run out of things to blog about. So now I'm telling topics from other bloggers and the radio. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Here's something I came up with all by myself. Single women...how do you do it? How do you paint on that smile for a date that you know is probably just an excuse to get out of the house. How do you not break down and accept a suitor who is without question sub-par just to not deal with the bullshit of dating? Here's one for the fellas: Fellas, how/why in the hamsammich hell do you sit there and give a chic money and items JUST BECAUSE???? What type shit is that? Why?? And I know some of you do it sans booty. Amazing!

Kids sports today, how pathetic. We have kids who can't run around a damn track but will wreck yo ass in Playstation. I've made the decision to coach baseball, but NOT theOffSpring's team. I'm old school and I refuse to coach my son's team because I take it seriously and I know he's only doing it for fun. Football is his sport. He (not me) decided that he needs to step up and do more if he wants to play a featured position. In baseball, he could care less and I'm fine with that. We as parents do need to push our kids off of the couch, but also need to let kids participate in sports on a level of optimal comfort and performance. A level where they can push themselves and enjoy their OWN development.

I'm done. Thanks.

TTTT: Flatulence

2006-02-21T12:27:00.000-05:00

Since my time is shitty, give us your best fart story; one where either you were the farter or the victim of the fart. Go

A Letter From HEIDI?!?! I get siced!!!

2006-02-15T22:26:00.000-05:00

First of all, I'm sorry all of you had such shitty Valentines' over the years. That has got to be our most pathetic TTTT ever. UGH.

But I have good news. No, I didn't save a lot of money on my car insurance, but I got this email tonight:

Heidi Martin Music" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
To:	brotherkojak@excite.com
Subject:	Heidi Martin Music
Date:	Thu, 16 Feb 2006 03:22:20 +0000

announcements will be going out soon on some upcoming events and
news!!!
thanks for your interest in my music! best, h



Heidi Martin Music
� Pisces-Gemini Publishing Company, Ascap.
Web:
www.heidimartin.com
Email:
heidimartinmusic@hotmail.com

I can't wait to have my ears be made love too with some newness. Mmmmmm. Heidi, Heidi, Heidi.

TTTT: Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T09:27:00.000-05:00

Ahh Valentine's Day. Hallmark and FTD's annual bitch. The day where florists and card makers cash in like whoa. Give you best or worst (or both) Valentine's Day story.

Go.

Bricks For Brains

2006-02-08T20:54:00.000-05:00

Thanks for all the great posts as usual on TTTT. Extremely entertaining although I wansn't really feeling the person attacks. You monkeys know who you are. **smile**

I don't know if I posted about this before but there is this security guard at work who is crazy dumb. I once spent 20 minutes of my valuable time trying to figure out make-money-fast certs, degrees for a woman who doesn't even know what she wants to do.

Today I saw DumDumStick on her way to work from the parking lot. She had her lunch with her, but uhhhhh...she had lunch in a ziplock bag. Not even in a paper bag or a plastic bag. Even more so than that, you know what DumDumStick had in her ziplock bag? A frozen Murray Steak House hamburger patty and some frozen french fries.

Yeah.

No bun
no catsup
no lettuce and tomato

just hamburger and fries consolidated in a big ass ziplock bag. Too bad, so sad.

Other "news" of the day, my co-worker G-Money has really got me stuck on old school Hip Hop because he and I talk to each other in Old Schoolese.

Me: What up G-Money? You jammin' on the one?
G-Money: No doubt. I got 6 CO's and 5 more to go
Me: Damn Son! Murder was the case that they gave you?
G-Money: 187 on an undercover cop.

That's just how we do. Its funny because well pass each other's cubes or will be at a client's desk and say
"I'm going back to Cali..."
"I don't think so."

I guess you have to be there. I ate lunch with Wisdom (my best friend from elementary school) today. We went to Legal Seafoods. If you ever go there I strongly recommend the soups over the entrees. He had the MD crab, I had the gumbo; both were BOMB DIGGITY...damn. See? I'm still doing it!
He and I caught up and talked about family and jobs. He and I seem to coincidentally make jobs moves simultaneaously. If the trend holds true, I'll be at my job no longer than 6 months. We shall see.
Oh yeah. Today I had a queer moment. When I first sat down with Wisdom, these 2 men were leaving the restaurant. The first man out the door struck me as odd. I didnt realize why at consciously, but subconsciously it was because his suit was really baggy. Not a big deal, but odd for a white man. So subsconsciously, I gave him the quick scan and E-gad!(that's the new way of spelling it) Dude's dizzat was almost down to his knee!! WTF?? I could not BELIEVE that shit. I would have stood up and given him a standing ovation, but he walked out too fast. Must be nice! if I was packing like that, I would linin' 'em up swinging it like a night stick.

That's all I got man! I'm out.

TTTT: Stupid Ass People

2006-02-07T09:49:00.000-05:00

It's that time again. Complete this sentence...."I hate when people say ___________"

Go.

Casino Rueda Salsa Superbowl Sensational Extravaganza (?!?!?)

2006-02-05T23:25:00.000-05:00

That's right! It was actually real! The Casino Rueda Salsa Superbowl Sensational Extravaganza (CRSSSE) hosted by WebmasterMama and the BigO was on and The Offspring and me attended. For some reason or another, he was excited and his excitement deflated as soon as he arrived. Why? Don't know, and don't care. This was MY party to attend, I was just draggin' his monkey ass along. I have no idea why children think its our job to entertain them, but that's another blog topic.
First let me start with the neighborhood and house. I have nothing against the burbs, but it was obvious that this neighborhood was designed in a big-city waterfront office by teenie little guys in cat-shaped eyeglasses who drink Starbucks and give "This Side Up" gift certificates for Christmas. The houses were nice, they all looked different but not so different that they weren't considered a neighborhood. I guess they hit the urban neighborhood in the burbs theme so well that it looked artificial. Very "Desperate Housewives"-ish. Our hosts' house on the inside was great however. Large alcove, cathedral ceilings and a kitchen big enough to do the nasty in. A FEW times and a FEW different ways.
The evening began as we were among the earlier arrivers. Mama sent us down to the basement to play some pool while the Offspring was relegated to the kids room. Downstairs was a beautiful pool table with red felt. There were plenty of us down there to play pool, so we played on teams. My partner, Scarface, decided to partner with me to be iconoclastic because we were the only non-latino team. We also were the crappiest team too as neither one of us has much pool hall skills. It showed in the 1st 2 games as Scarface and I got housed. The 1st game we got 2 balls in the pockets, the 2nd game, 1. However, we represented and came back with the strength. We both had these odd cues that would illuminate when you tapped them on the floor. The illuminated part looked like lightening. That....coined my nickname for the night; La Tormenta. I announced it during the second game and the name stuck as I heard people in the background say "AH! La Tormenta! It's true!"
Food? Man! Plenty of food. You know how if you have a potluck and you ask people to bring something they either collectively bring nothing or everything. This party was the latter. 2 of everything.
Oh, the dancing. Yes. There was dancing as advertised. A little advanced for my skillset, but I danced a couple times. Actually, it was a lot advanced as most of the dancing was the multiple couple dance rueda. I can barely dance with one parner let alone switch to another in Spanish . I lucked out though; there was a dance instructor who was invited to the party and showed me how to do this niiice combo spin move. HOWEVER, when I wanted to practice this move later, my demonstrative partner says this (and I quote): "you don't know the moves good enough do it with the music". Ouch.

Highlights of the evening:
1.) incidental babysitting. It seems the hosts' littlest one loved me; particularly the dreds. The other little one thought I had funny faces and referred to the Offspring as "That Boy".
2.) meeting Dulcita. In my opinion, the eye-candy of the party (next to the hostess, of course) who had the oddest name. "Is that your real name?"
"Yes!"
Funny how she sat and watched "Lion King 1.5" with the Offspring while the odd name was all the convo I got outta her. SOMEBODY got pimp Juice early!
3.) Steeler Country. There were 2 teams that the hosts viewed as their own; the Lions and the Steelers. Needless to say, there was Steeler shit everywhere. Both WebmasterMama and BigO had the gear on AND had it for their kids. That was the toughest part of the night for a Purple and Blacker like myself. Drinks were flowing EARLY for the Big BK....UGH.

Oh, BTW....NFL In Review: The Fucken Pittsburgh Steelers. Super Bowl Champions.

Damn! I Been Tagged and Shit.

2006-02-02T19:22:00.000-05:00

Prosine, when (if) I see you, your ass is MINE!! **rolling eyes**

1. What time did you get up today? Now that's a gay question. 7:30am

2. Pearls or Diamonds? Diamonds Neither. Diamonds are farmed on the backs of under-priveleged black folk. I could never be a proponate of something like that. And pearls are just slam ugly. Especially on a man. (Who wrote this shit??)

3. What was the last film you saw? Chronicles of Narija. (Hey. I got a kid. Shoot me)

4. What is your favorite TV show? Law & Order, hands down

5. What did you have for breakfast? raspberry yogurt, banana, and a granola bar

6. What is your middle name? Noneya, as in none ya damn business

7. What is your favorite cuisine? West Indian or Indian

8. What foods do you dislike? brussel sprouts and anything them mutha fuckers would have eaten in "Faces of Death"

9. What are your favorite chips? Salt and Vinegar

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? That's a good question. Don't have one, but I'm going to order a cd by Amp Fiddler called "Waltz of a Ghetto Fly". Tight.

11. What kind of car do you drive? 1997 Toyota Alvalon

12. What is your favorite sandwich? Checkers Double Chili Cheeseburger with onions. Mmmm

13. What characteristics do you despise in people? Fakers

14. Favorite item of clothing? One of my 7o's stretchy shirts

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? I would love to go to Brasil on New Years Eve.

16. What color is your bathroom? White

17. Favorite brand of clothing? Ok, this is my gay answer for this: Kenneth Cole. If I weren't so damn big I would rock that clothing line most of the year.

18. Where would you retire to? Either Beliz or Aruba.

19. Favorite time of day? The time when I have 4 walls and a door, and a sexy, hot and ready woman between the sheets waiting for me...

20. What was your most memorable birthday? 21st B-day. My boys took me to the strip club for the first time. So began the madness of watching women be hot in da ass.....

21. Where were you born? Baltimore, MD

22. Favorite sports to watch? Football

23. The one you least expect to send this back to you? I don't tag...and I BETTER NOT get tagged again!

24. Who do you think will send it back first? N/A

25. Coke or Pepsi? Coke all day, son-SON!

26. Are you a morning person or night? Night

27. Do you have any pets? A dog and a cat. **yawn** Anybody else bored??

28. Any new and exciting news you want to share? I'm down to my last 2 classes in school.

29.What did you want to be when you were younger? I wanted to be a Major League Baseball Player and a zoologist in the off-season.

30. What should you be doing right now? Working, but I'm tired of the man tryin' to keep a brotha down, man!!

31. What are you currently reading? THe Feast of the Goat

32. Your favorite color? Blue

33. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Rocky Road

34. Red or white wine? White

35. Do you have any tattoos? No

36. What is your favorite flavor of cake? Again, chocolate all day.

Thank God THAT'S over. Coming up next week; Salsa Superbowl Party??? WTF??? I was invited to a Superbowl party that is going to be powered by latin music. Not really my flavor because I am all about the game. But I was told that the viewers of the game were serious. I'll keep y'all posted.

We are having a debate over here as to if Taye Diggs can beat my ass. Dude is 5' 7 at best, and a buck 80 wet. I'm 260, 5'11 and can probably bench close to 300lbs. Now you tell ME who gonna kick WHO'S ass????

TTTT Time Again

2006-01-31T11:16:00.000-05:00

Most of you know the drill. The theme today is: What can you remember laughing about that you probably shouldn't have laughed at? Go.

Dry Dizzat Chronicles: Chapter III

2006-01-31T08:53:00.000-05:00

8:45a.m.: Somebody fuckin' with me already. ...I get to my cube and there is a half empty box sitting there. Why? Whoever left it there, there was no note and from what I can tell it was a box that had a keyboard and mouse in it. Why not just take it out and leave a note or something? No. Testosterone Overload reaction: Say "Who the fuck left this box here?" No response? Cool. I toss it across the room out of my gaddamn cube. I'm here for 12 hrs today and we gonna start with THIS bullshit???

Dry Dizzat Chronicles: Chapter II

2006-01-30T15:23:00.000-05:00

3:24 p.m.: Didn't have to chase or benchpress a bus, but for lunch I had a Betta Chedda burger, fries, coke, and a golf ball for desert.

Dry Dizzat Chronicles: Chapter I

2006-01-30T11:56:00.000-05:00

11:55: I'm so horny now I could not only outrun a bus, but I could probably bench press that bitch too. I have plenty of Pimp Juice in my carafe; but I feel myself slowly edging towards The Dark Side.

If you are a woman and read this blog, you are endangering yourself to get some of the Juice slipped in your mental drink.

Weekend Hi-jinks

2006-01-29T20:54:00.000-05:00

You know, I used to measure the fun level of the weekends based on whether I got laid or not. 2 weekends in a row, still got an ashy dizzat, but I had fun. Sunday wasn't fun because Sunday is always Cub Scout day and THAT shit is getting old. I drove the Offspring to his grandmother's for Church Marathon and picked him back up a few hours later. All day, all chores. But let me supplement Sunday with this....white kids, is bad. At the Pack meeting, dirty nosed white kids all over the place. Running, giggling, knocking shit over. All of them needs they asses whopped and I'm volunteering my services.

Saturday was a different story. I met up with Webmaster Mama at Gardell's and did the salsa thang. It was my first time there (reluctanctly) and I was really nervous because I got the impression that that was a serious salsa spot. No prob; they gave salsa lessons in the beginning just like my tried-and-true spot.
I don't know if it because I suck more than the last time we danced or she's gotten way better, but either way she was impressive! Way past basic shit; her and her peeps even did the rueda which was explained to me to be a Cuban equivalent of square dancing. Everybody doing the same moves simultaneaously and then changing partners. It reminded me of something you might see if the Super Bowl took place in San Juan.
It was a fun 2 hours though. Mama was a great dance teacher as she showed me a couple of moves and how of fix some of the issues I was having. I get siced!! The Long Island Iced Tea I had knocked me on my ass though. whew! Bartender Girl was seer-ious.

So that was Saturday night. Saturday during the day was good. Very amusing. First, JuneCleaver told me about a sale at one of the local Goodwill's. Everything half priced. This works for me because I am on this blazer kick. I've been wearing blazers with mocknecks and regulars. Just tired of wearing sweatshirts. I told her this and she hipped me to the jive. On the way over there, I saw 1.) a grown as girl driving a car sucking her thumb 2.) a young buck selling "fruit baskets" that consisted of a couple apples and oranges in a plastic bag. Need I say more?
Then I get to Goodwill. Found a jacket; get it. $4. Yes Sirrrrrr! I get outside, and the oddest thing happens. This older kat with Gingervitus and the Cavity Creeps approaches me:

Gingervitus: Hey! Today is your lucky day!
Me: Oh for real?
Gingervitus: Yeah. I forgot my scissors and you got one braid too many.
Me: ha ha.
Gingervitus: Wait. Befo' you go, I was wonderin' if you was hacking* today.
Me: Hackin'? Naw, man. I don't hack.
Gingervitus: No? I was wonderin' if you could take me to Florida.
Me: Florida??? Is you crazy? Naw, man. I ain't hackin' and ain't NOBODY going to no Florida!
Gingervitus: Come on bruh! I give you big money, big money.
Me: **shaken head** Naw, man.
Gingervitus: No bruh, I'm serious! I got big money! Look!
And sure enough, Gingervitus had big money. In his hands he had a penny the size of a hamburger bun and a plastic roll of money the size of a water pipe in the other. You talking about somebody crying? THAT was me. I BUSTED out laughin'. I told JuneCleaver this same story but she wasn't feelin' it. I don't know, maybe she was baking a pie or something.

Damnit!! Blogging usually helps me thru my issues, but I am STILL bent up! I am about a week away from going to Baltimore St. and paying for some Wild Thing. The last time I was on the Block, there was this BANGIN' Cuban chic just waiting for me. **sigh**

If she still waitin', I might have to cash in some coins.

*hacking- the illegal act of providing transportation services without a Commercial Drivers License

NFL In Review: The Houston Texans

2006-01-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

This one is especially for you Reese....

Ahh, yes the Houston Texans. The pitiful redheaded stepchild of the NFL. So pitiful, they even lost the game against the San Francisco 49ers, lovingly dubbed "The Reggie Bush Bowl" as the loser of the game would get the number one pick in the NFL draft. The good news is there ain't but one way to go and that's up. They have probably the toughest quarterback in the league surviving 68 sacks this season and over 70 the previous season. They have one of the best yet unknown running back and wide reciever in the league. The bad news is the offensive line is as pourous a spaghetti strainer.
What's interesting is how the coach lasted so long. Damn, how DID he get picked in the first place? He took the expansion Jacksonville Jaguars to the playoffs in their inaugural year and proceeded to run them in the toilet. GM Charley Casserly rolled the dice hoping lightning could strike twice. Nope. Not one winning season since inception. Here's what's really fun; crappy coach hire, the worst O-line in the league, and Casserly still has a job. Un-freakin' real. Casserly is a nice, lovable guy and all but please!! Fire Casserly's ass so poor David Carr can maybe extend his career by a year or two.

Good luck, Mr. Bush. You are definitely gonna need that and a case of Icy Hot from Price Club. (Note I didnt say Sam's Club....fuck Wal-Mart!!)

Chocolate Drippings

2006-01-22T02:40:00.000-05:00

This post is dedicated to all my sistas who read this blog. May you never forget that I and so many like myself adore you.

And so it seems
I observe you from afar, yet so near
I dig you from afar, yet so more near

we stand together
your world is yours
my world is mine
yet our universes collide for the beautiful harmony that is uniquely
Us

The music begins
I observe you next to me, yet so far
I dig you next to me sista girl, yet still so far

The Universe(harmony) is now in unison
guided by the beat of hip hop
guided by the beat of gospel
guided by the beat of soul
guided by the beat of rock

Your portion of the Universe(harmony) sways from top to bottom
the observations of the sway vary from
the deepest thoughts
to the most cantankerous

"Watch the sway
for here is where it all began
the fruit of the Earth
chocolate dipped and dripped covering a
sweet beautiful fruit to create even more beauty"

"Watch the sway
chocolate dipped and dripped covering
Damn how she work that thang!
that booty
that bottom
that bumper
that onion
that....apple?
yes...still that fruit!
how she make da ass do that?!??!"

**it is no wonder the Earth is now populated with billions. Whosoever resists shall be deemed insane**

And so it seems
I observe you from afar, yet so near
and yet, the distance has diminished
I dig you from afar, yet so more near

Check it.
My soul has awakened my eyes to what I have already seen
time and time again
the distance is no more
it never was there
Our Universe(harmony)
will always be
Our Universe(harmony)
so sayeth the sway
so sayeth the ancestors
so sayeth my soul

Sex Headache

2006-01-20T16:12:00.000-05:00

Ever had a sex headache? It occurs when you havent gotten laid in a time frame that's outside of what you are used to. Its egged on when you start having those thoughts at your desk or when you are walking down the hall. The only cure for it is sleep. You go to sleep "waving a flag" and you wake up "waving a flag".

I can't blame anyone but myself. I'm just can't get my head into the thing. This feeling has some high familiarity that is really not good. I have to find something to occupy my brain and time. Maybe I will put together a boat in a bottle or some shit.

But in the meantime, I have salsa dancing, basketball game, and a concert for the weekend. I be out!

Reese, you still ain't shit!!

NFL In Review: St. Louis Rams

2006-01-16T23:50:00.000-05:00

The St. Louis Rams could not get it going this season. They had the same issues with injuries that other teams did one time having turned to the 3rd string quarterback (A Harvard grad who just so happened to blow up his 1st game only to be shot down to Earth on his second).At the forefront were the coaching issues. You talk about dispicable; your head coach gets hospitalized indefinitely and is replaced by the Linebacker Coach Joe Vitt in the interim. Then has to sit out for a minute after a medical procedure to get replaced by an interim-interim head coach. When the 1st head coach is up and ready to coach again, president of the team John Shaw who initially said he would be shocked if Martz returned quickly back-pedaled to leave Martz on hold while porn star look-alike Vitt maintained control of the field. Now after the dust settled, Vitt is out and so is Martz.

So far the interviewees for the head coaching job are all re-treads including Jim Fassell who was the Offensive (definitely offensive) Coordinator for the Baltimore Ravens. What makes him a great replacement coach? Well, he coordinated the league's 3rd least productive offense! Of course he deserves a spot as a head coach!

Maybe with their QB returning and some state of peace from the front office will give the Rams the chance to shine again. Most of the the tools are there except for 2 major components, leadership and stability. See y'all in the 2007 Draft.

"That's all I ever hear! Marshall, Marshall, MARSHALL!"

Long Weekends That Suck

2006-01-16T11:01:00.000-05:00

I've really screwed up having not planned anything either concrete or leisurely for the MLK Weekend. Here in B-more, we are blessed to have a bunch of different things to do to give reverence to the ancestors who fought for our civil rights. There is the Black in Wax Museum. If you are taking children under 5, don't bother. There are some displays that make even some adults jittery. There is also the Reginald Lewis Museum of African American History. It's a brand new museum that has displays of its namesake and other African American heroes. To those who don't know, Reginald Lewis was the first black billionaire and the first majority black owner of a publically held company.

Friday night....Brother Kojak was in the doghouse. I got home from work tired as hell. They worked me like a dog all week and I had the white flag up by 2:00. Needless to say, I was tired as hell, but we were scheduled to go salsa dancing with some of the wife's co-workers. "Not I" said the fly. I got me a 40 and some Lay's Ba-B-Que chips and that's what was gonna be up. I told her to go ahead without me because I was beat. That didn't go over well; apparently that was my way of doing something else while she was gone. Now what that could have been given my fatigue level, our sone being with me, and about $3.82 in my pocket I don't know. And just as I predicted, I was out by 10:30.

HOWEVA!

The phone rings. Its Mrs. Kojak. Waking me up.
Me: Wassup?
Mrs. Kojak: I'm lost.
Me: Where you at?
Mrs. Kojak: On Broadway. I just past Fairmount.
Me: **gaddamn! The fucken place is ON Broadway!!!** Ok. Broadway is one big hill. If you are going down the hill, u going the right direction.
Mrs. Kojak: I just past Fayette.
Me: Riiight! **repeat what I just said** The club will be on the right.
Mrs. Kojak: uh....I see the Apex Theatre. I'm crossing Lombard.
Me: **sigh** Ok. You're there for the most part after you cross Lombard. Park.
Mrs. Kojak: Where should I park?
Me: Any damn where.
Mrs. Kojak: Ok, I'm parked. **walking** Oh! There is the club right there!

Sunday I realized that I have a little bit of Real Man in me. Me and Glueman went to workout and had an abbreviated workout. We have a tendency to talk and he gave me an observation that blew my mind. I couldn't focus after that. He and I hung out a little after that, and I went home to clean the debris from my front yard. We had some serious high winds Saturday and one of the huge tree limbs fell in the front yard. Since I don't do SHIT else, I had to chop it up and move it somewhere else. I borrowed Glueman's ax. Huge mistake. That ax was duller than the tip of my dizzat. When I hit the limb with it, it was more like beating it than anything else. Luckily I had my magical machete from the southern isolated regions of the ancient Mayan empire to assist me. Chop with machete, beat with ax. Chop with machete, beat with ax. Then my neighbor comes over (God bless him. I know the name of his dog, but not him). He looks at the ax and says "Good grief! That is REALLY dull." Then he peeks over the limb: "What's that?!?!?"
Oh shit. I think I scared him..
Me: What....this? **pointing towards my holstered machete**
HelloNeighbor: Yeah
Me: **in my opera singin' voice** It's my mache-te!!!!!
HelloNeighbor: That's not a machete!
Me: What?!?!?! What the fu....what are talking about. What is it then?
HelloNeighbor: Let me see that. **holding it** Hmmm. Good weight on it. I guess you could call it a machete. A little small for one, but ok.
Me: Mmmm hmmm. Yeah.

Talkin' bout my damn machete. He musta lost his damn mind. I still got love for him though. He went back to the crib and brought back a sharper ax and a saw. He helped me cut a few limbs and then left saying "have fun!".

The short story long of this was I actually could do real man's work. I stood out there in the cold chopping wood and lifting it and carrying it just like my grand daddy and his grand daddy did. And even more like the ancestors, I had a white man telling me what was up. How 'bout that??? I did a post on real man's work a couple years ago. I was proud of that work. Check it out.

I was too lazy to do a post about the great Dr. King, so I want you to also read last year's post. I will be celebrating the holiday with a dive into how the media made one of its first attempts at crossover entertainment. What might this be? Why, Fat Albert of course! Fat Albert was the 1st cartoon to be about Black kids in the hood of Philly. What was great about it was that they had the same problems that kids anywhere else of any other color had. Cartoons are one of the few ways to bridge the generation gap between parent and child. But I digress (as usual). Enjoy your day back to work and keep on with the keepin' on. (Especially you, KC)

NFL In Review: The Philadelphia Eagles

2006-01-15T11:06:00.000-05:00

Oh how the mighty have fallen! Its bad enough that nothing is enough for the Eagles fans, but this season the Eagles made the mistake of proving them right. Their season reminded me of one of those Civil War epics; you have the general (Andy Reid), the dashing and heroic colonel (Donovan McNabb) and the rebellious outspoken colonel (Terrell Owens). Both colonels wanted to win battles, but were never on the same page. The general decided to remove the rebellious one from duty for the sake of the overall cause. Unfortunately, the other colonel was injuried in the line of duty. And so went up the white flag.

There is so much to say about this drama besides the immortal words of Rodney King. But this football team exemplified so much more than not winning football games. They demonstrated what happens when there's no leadership and no Plan C. It also showed how so few could have an effect on so many. And sadly, this epic ended totally the wrong way.

"I LOVE me some me!"

That Was Fun, Wasn't It?

2006-01-12T08:44:00.000-05:00

My day: So far so good
What I'm Rockin': Goapele, Change It All, (thumbs up)

That was probably the funniest TTTT we've done so far monkeys. Mad props.

Whats odd is that I asked for the most trife thing anybody has done and everyone's answer was sexual. Is sex trife or is it the circumstance by which we engage in the act? Is sex only not scandalous when it involves a soundtrack and a bed of rose pedals? Hmmmm.....

On a gross note, when my son was raking leaves last Sat., he found a dead fat rat in the pile. I told him (from the confines of the kitchen) to scoop the bastard up and put him in the trash. Big mistake.
Today was trash day. Guess what was still in the garbage can? Si.
To those that don't know, I find rats and mice the most disgusting, useless, vile creatures on the face of the earth. I would rather EAT a fucken roach than to put my hands on a rat or mouse, dead or alive.

I've gotten a few emails about me and my pro athelete twin, Danny Fortson. I deduce that I have to step up my game and wear more suits. Fortson definitely doesn't have the belly I do, but I have the same shoulders. I bought this BANGIN' sports jacket from the Men's Warehouse a week or so ago. I'm going to have to rock it a few times and see the results. Of course, all my vanities are posted here so you will know what's up.

Speaking of vanities, let me paint a scenario for you. My school's basketball court. 1/4 of it divided by a 20 ft tall by 50 ft wide net. Behind the net are various workout equipment for boxing. Ok.
The goal today was timed cardio. Since I'm just getting back into it, the gym is good because the space is somewhat restricted. The objective was to run half speed for 1 minute, then walk a minute and a half, and do this for 30 minutes. Ok. So I reluctantly start....damn I'm outta shape as I'm feeling the air hit bronchial cavities that havent been opened up in months. I'm running...
Hit the corner hard. Keep running...walk

I'm running....
Hit the corner hard (finger scrape the net). Keep running....walk

I'm running....
Hit the corner hard (finger scrape the net). Keep running. Wal...

Now....most of y'all are in your 30's. Remember how Tom would be in the hammock getting his chill on and Jerry would fuck him up by spinning the hammock and Tom would slam hit the ground?

Call me Tom then.

Why I hit the corner hard fingers scrape the net and my big ass rolled up IN the damn net and Ka-BLOOW!! I'm flat on my back on the basketball court. Now, keep in mind that I'm about 250 so when I hit the ground, it's heard. The Athlete Director's office was WAY on the other side of the gym and HE (Blackfoot, he NEVER wears shoes)heard it. He come runnin' out "You alright?"
"Dude! I rolled right up into the net! Damn!"
"Yeah, I heard that."

Fuck you, Blackfoot.

TTTT: New Year's Eve

2006-01-10T08:02:00.000-05:00

We are going to do TTTT today, however I want you guys to put comments on that are based on a New Years Eve experience; something trifling that you would never tell anyone until now. Ready? Go.

Why I'm Bitter

2006-01-08T21:59:00.000-05:00

First of all, I stays bitter. That's number 1. Remember that.

2.) The fucken Redskins won. Bitches. There are so many reasons I hate the Redskins, but that is a totally different blog entry. Next week they play Seattle. Seahawks! Whip....they....ass!!!

3.) The fucken Steelers won too. The fucken Steelers. I despise those bitches. Why? Man...ok, first a little bit of history. When the Colts left Baltimore like a thief in the night on January 14, 1984 (if you are from B-more, you have to add the "like a thief in the night" part. It's mandatory when talking about the Colts. Seriously.), many people made the Steelers their team because of the proximity and the similarities between the cities. Also, during the recession of the 80's, a lot of folks moved from Pittsburg to B-more. Great.
So we have a lot of Steelheads in town and whenever they win on Sunday, you hear about it on Monday. Even better.

4.) Cub Scouts suck!! I'm so sick of that shit. It's so time consuming. The purpose is good for the kids but my heart really isn't in it as a Den Leader. To get together stuff all week for 15 over-privileged kids. I am seriously considering moving my son from the comfy cozy confines of his current Pack to a more gully, ghetto-ridiculous Pack in the hood; in a pack where widdlin' actually means how to cut the handcuff chains off your wrist.

5.) I didn't workout all weekend. I have to do it because I wanna look mad sexy for my graduation party. How close am I? I look like a Black, dredded version of Grimace; the fucken milkshake from McDonalds back in the day. Hot garbage.

6.) When you are single and your woman gets on your nerves, you fire her ass. When you married you have to call Siontz and Kirk, Attorneys at Law. So instead of laying down the pimp hand, you lay down like a bitch. Aint THAT a bitch!

I was talking to someone this weekend about a harem. Damn that would be the shit! Not just sexually either. You go fishing, one of them could bait the hook, hand you the remote, call downstairs for you.....**sigh**
thats just problem exemplified. It would be easier/better to just be asexual. I think I'll work on that for 2006. No coochie, EVER! Just online games, figurines to paint and trade, blogging, work, and the ocassional trip to the driving range. Porn? Strip club? Who needs it when I have Clash of Heros.

Hehhhee. That's funny. I had to stop typing I was laughin so hard....

A Plea to You Monkeys

2006-01-06T15:36:00.000-05:00

Ok...I am going to reveal one of my weaknesses. I am a damn glory hog. i like the lime light, and I like acknowledgement. Not necessarily attention, but acknowledgement. So, I'm asking you all to acknowledge my black ass by nominating me for a bloggie. Best Blog? Hell no! I ain't rockin' like that. But I think I am niiice enough for the Best Kept Secret. So instead of looking for boobies on my site, go put your votes in and blow my head up a few more inches. I'm putting my votes in for some of the sites I enjoy too. I'll leave those sites anonymous because I don't know if any of those writers wanna be out there like that. Anyway, put your votes in, and do it before the 10th damnit!

Peace out, monkeys.

Note: Did I ever mention that the word "monkey" is my favorite word?

Oh Man!!!

2006-01-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

I was going to post the raciest NFL In Review yet for you guys, but something is going on with Blogger. I think they are putting a hiatus on all uploads until the Microsoft's security vunerabilty is over. Either that or my job's server won't let me upload. I'm on it though. hehehe...you guys are gonna like this one. Brettman, I doing this for you, baby!!

Alisa and NeighborhoodGirl, if you are reading this, stay away from the blog for about 6, 7 more days. Hehehehe

real quick...the only thing I've been contemplating today is the supposed loss of a friendship. I have a platonic female friend who I used to be really tight with for about 4 years. Recently she decided to let her boyfriend move in with her. Great! She has not had a steady in a long time and this was only the second time she's let a man live with her. Serious relationship now. However happy she is now, our friendship as taken the knockout punch. She is rarely emails me (as oppossed to everyday), I never her call her because I feel like shit-filled pantyhose; you know....as if I'm imposing with a stink. The conclusion I've drawn is that she's outgrown me and now wants to be totally settled. This includes seperating herself more from her past. I'll keep y'all posted because a dirty email is brewing in my brain.

A couple night ago I had a disturbing nightmare that was nothing but a movie commercial. WTF? I'm not going to talk about it yet because if I were to write a short story...that is going to be the premise of it and I don't want to ruin it. Again, I'll keep you posted.

Wish me luck with my uploads.

UPDATE: The post is up. Go scroll down to check it out.

BK

NFL In The Review: The Dallas Cowboys

2006-01-05T14:57:00.000-05:00

"How 'bout them Cowboys???"

Uh...no. The Cowboys were the "Little Engine That Could" team of the NFL. All season long was an uphill battle because of key injuries and sporatic play. Unfortunately, they were in the NFC East as opposed to the NFC North and just missed the playoffs by a game.
The questions that remain are what the hell are the Cowboys going to do about the QB postion? Bandaid Bledsoe is not the answer anymore. Will Kevin Jones loose his starting role? Sure looks like it!
One odd thing though, everytime you looked towards the sidelines, Bill Parcells had this "Who gives a shit?" look on his face. It was sad in way because thru the years he has been one of the most intense coaches ever. Now with the death of his brother, he is contemplating retirement. Just proof again that in sports the good ones come and go just like anything else.

now, THIS would have gotten the crowd fired up!

Iffin' It Were ME...

2006-01-04T12:14:00.000-05:00

We all are different. Suprisingly, we men are different from each other too. Sure, you can qualify most of us as dogs, but there are different levels. Some are mere pups, some are pedigrees, other are just mangy mutts. I've been told that I was a pedigree dog. Low-end, but pedigree. I guess one way to exemplify this is by talking about New Years Eve.

Happy NewYears, Hon
The scene is Fells Point, Baltimore. This area is right on the water overlooking the south-side of the Inner Harbor. Probably the best view outside of being at the Harbor itself. The mood: festive. Everyone is in a good mood and the weather is being very cooperative. This particular gent strolls into one of the pubs that will go unmentioned. The plan was to meet up with a platonic friend and her friends. As the night flowed into midnight, so did the alcohol. We all know how things go when the liquor be flowin', the inhibitions drop. PlatonicFriend was very snuggly; leaning on Gent1, the friendly chest pat, arm rub, the whole 9. He is the knight for her and her crew as guys waaaaay to old to be hitting on their daughters' former classmates get staved off by him. When the clock struck 12, Gent1 escorted the crew outside to watch the
fireworks. Of course, PlatonicFriend got swept up in the moment and had hands ALL over Gent1.
On the cab ride back to the hotel (hotel of the crew, Gent1 is a local), the cab was packed with ladies and they all agreed that Gent1 should ride back with them regardless of how crowded the cab was. All are ridin' in a the cab, on of the crew was in Gent1's lap and PlatonicFriend was still touchy feelly smiley sitting next to him. They get to the hotel, and PlatonicFriend, wasted, wants Gent1 to come inside. Gent1 being the gentleman that he is, bid her a fair adieu. LapFriend explained to Gent1 that PlatonicFriend was a little salty that her boyfriend couldn't hang out. LapFriend asks Gent1 if he is SURE he doesn't want to stay. Gent1 declined based on his car still being at the garage 15 blocks away. He now bids LapFriend adieu and catches a cab to the parking garage to call it a night.
Iffin' it were me......
depending on the level of platonacy, I would have serious considered knocking that out. Ok, no, I WOULD have knocked that out. Not only would I have knocked that out, I would try to get a 1-2-3 out of it. If they said no, they just say no. But my guess is that there was enough alcohol involved to pull it off. So what if you get a 3some under the influence....you can at least put that in the book. **shrugging shoulders**

Happy NewYears, Hon II
Our next story takes place a little further north; Charles Village. Charles Village is a neighborhood that's so popular that a lot of the houses have been converted to apts. to accomodate the students, yuppies, and the working broke. The atmosphere is the same as above. GentII is another single guy, late 20's, good job. He decided to spend his time in a similar way, except this time it was bar-hopping.
He went to a favorite watering hole in Charles Village that too will go unnamed. He stayed there until about 2 and then when to one of his favorite watering holes where he stayed until 5. Here is our convo...
Me: So...!! There must have been a ton of New Year's Eve (NYE) bootie out that late!

GentII: Yeah. I guess.

Me: What do you mean you guess? What were you doing out that late without trying to get you some?

GentII: Man, I'm gettin' too old for that stuff.

Me: What???? Dude, you ain't even 30 yet!!!

GentII: I will be in a few months, man. Besides, I've seen some of my boys in their mid-30's trying to pushup on chics at the bar. Its not pretty.

Me: Mmm. If you say so.

Iffin' it were me......
I would have either set up some NYE coochie, or had my game primed up for the evening so that I would be taken at minimum a nickel-piece home. There is no way you can go out like that, fellas. NYE is mandatory bootie night. Even if you have to shell out some cash or deal the ugly chic down the hall, bonin' is a must. Now as a married man, its touch and go. It could go either way. But me with my own place, no roomies, no kids....uh uh. I'm speaking French all night!
Vous le vous les boning, cheri?

Kwanzaa: Kujichagulia & Nia

2005-12-30T07:51:00.000-05:00

I prefer not to let this post be about what Kwanzaa is and what its about. If you are interested in learning more (and I hope you are) please visit www.holidays.net/kwanzaa/7days.htm.
Not the prettiest site, but it breaks Kwanzaa down to a kid/basic level.

Kujichagulia
This is the day of self-determination, and I was DETERMINED not to participate. Why? Because it was hard enough to work and then make that drive in rush hour traffic, but to find out my mother wanted me to MC the event too???? Oh hell to the naw! I would have had to prepare a small speech, talk about stuff I haven't talked about since last year....no. So I got there without busting my ass and FloJo was MCing. Great! TheOffspring helped out and did a great job. I was very proud of him. Its great/odd to see him act mature and accordingly when you want him to. How about that?

Nia
The day ofPurpose. I was struggling with the concept because the only damn thing I wanted to purposefully with was the bed. The day before I made the mistake of being lazy and not going to the Laundromat until 11. The good part was that there weren't that many people in there. The scary part was the attendant. She seemed like she was 2 pills short of a lithium overdose. At one point, she blurted out loud as shit "LAUNDRYBAGS!" I thought it was some type of inner qualm she was having with herself but she was talking to another woman in the joint. And oh man she was trippin' when the show "Cheaters" came on. **same audible level** "THAT DON'T MAKE NO GADDAMN SENSE!! YOU GOT YOU A MAN, HE WORK AND YOU GONNA CHEAT! THEY MAKE ME SICK WITH THAT! IF HE AIN'T HAD NO JOB YOU BE CRYIN' ABOUT THAT! THESE WOMENZ OUT HERE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY WANT!!"
Uh, yeah. That was her at 1:30 in the morning. Only in B-more.

Needless to say the next day I was worthless and luckily my work day was slow. Earlier in the month I had been invited to a Kwanzaa celebration over my cousin's house. (Hmmm...I gave her a pseudonym a long time ago but I forgot it. We will refer to her as WasNotWas) Her idea was to invite all of her friends and family over for an evening of creativity. She bought a bunch of small low-end jewelry boxes, beads, strings, clasps, paints, brushes, and small canvases. In her dining room were copies of old magazines spread all over the floor. We were told to use all of the items to create something artistic. She also had a big canvas called the community canvas where each of us would paint or paste something on the canvas. I didn't do any of those activities being the literary ar-tist that I am **hehehe**. I decided to read 2 of my poems; both of which are here on the site if you missed them. (Today, What It Is) Luckily, when it was poetry time I didn't have to do the freestyle poetry which consisted of topics such as Lemirs and Thanksgiving Dinner, the Ramblewood Hood, Hit and Run, olives in CT, and Masturbation and Jelly Doughnuts. The freestyle consisted of limericks, haikus, and a rap. Hehehe....I have to add this; the freestyle began with WasNotWas on her stairs yelling "You ready for some poetry, bitches??" TOO Funny!
All in all it was a fun night. I'm so glad she came up with the idea; don't you just love artsy-fartsy folks?

Addendum
Ok. y'all know me. There just had to be a caveat to the night, right? Especially based on my arrogance. So after I read my poems, I was approached by one of the many although one of the few lipstick lesbians in the lot. Convo below.

YouveGottaBeKiddingMe: Hi! You're WasNotWas's cousin right?

Me: Yes. **smile, of course**

YouveGottaBeKiddingMe: Hey, I really enjoyed your poetry. You and your cousins are very captivating with your eyes. Like they were talking directly to me when you were reading.

Me: **me "and my cousins", huh? hmm** Yeah, I guess its a family thing, huh?

YouveGottaBeKiddingMe: Yeah. **laugh** I'm from AZ and we just never have things like this. This is awesome.

Me: Hehehe...that's a whole different breed out there, I'm sure. Kwanzaa is recognized pretty well over here. I assume that's not the case there.

YouveGottaBeKiddingMe: Ohh no! Are you kidding? Not a whole lot of culture in AZ.

**short pause smiling at each other and nodding**

Me: Well, we were just about to head out, it was nice meeting you, YouveGottaBeKiddingMe. See you at the next shindig. **friendly rub on arm**

YouveGottaBeKiddingMe: Nice meeting you too. See you later.

Alright. That was the convo and here is the visual. I'm putting my coat on and look up to see this South American goddess approach me. Tall, thick and long curly hair, very modelesque. The first reaction is "Damn! Hot!". The second reaction is "Oh. She's gay. This convo will be like a business transaction." So that was my mindset. Now, when she stops to talk to me, she **and this is not an exaggeration** is in my personal space. Not near it, in it. I could have grabbed her by the hips and slobbed her down; she was just that close. Then something else kicked in in my mind "What the fuck is she doing? Ohhh!! Its the gay-girl-teases-str8-guy thing. I'm wit it." And yes, I have documented proof that this thing exists! **waving folded papers**

Women. Just when I think I got it, I ain't got shit. Single men, my prayers are with you.

The NFL in Review: The Oakland Raiders

2005-12-27T14:30:00.000-05:00

The Oakland Raiders are probably one of the more disappointing teams in the NFL. There were lots of high hopes; a seasoned veteran QB, the aquisition of probably the best reciever in football. But like the Roots, Things Fall Apart. Kerry Collins suddenly became cross-eyed and the team's defense is old and damn near crippled. I mean, he lost his job to a 3rd year QB who has lost the starting job at least twice.
So what is The Don Davis going to do? Head Coach Norv Turner is as good as gone; let's just pray that he's not sent to sleep with the fishes.

Orlando???

2005-12-26T09:24:00.000-05:00

I don't know if I've ever had an entry on here about my birth father. He cut out on me and moms when I was about 2. There are 2 sides to every story, but the side I'm familiar with is that my mom was so fed up with his shit that she lift EVERYTHING that she couldn't carry in that apartment.
What goes along with that is that WHEN I see him, he always seems to have a story about some great fatherly deed he had done. Needless to say, there aren't but so many given that I was 2 when they split.
My parents relationship had little to do with me, but the one thing that made me mad at my mom was naming me after my father. Bad Reasoning #1: You knew that he wasn't going to be around too much longer, so why the hell would you make me a junior? He wasn't even at the hospital when I was born. #2: His name sucks!! Of course I'm not going to tell you my real name, but here are some hints: Think of names for boys in 2 Tiers; Names That Suck (NTS)and Name That Really Fucken Suck (NTRFS). Ok. Find in the NTS index of the 10 worst names for a boy in the 20th Century. One of those is probably my middle name. Now, go thru the NTRFS and find the top 5 worst names for a boy in the 20th Century; THAT...my friends, would be my first name. Add a last name that is one of the most common surnames in America along with "Jr" and there you have Brother Kojak's name. Ta-to the fucken-da.
Now I'm going to tie all this together. My father's "I was a great dad" stories with the banged up name for a Black child of the 70's. So he, my wife, my uncle and I are all talking in the kitchen and my father asked me how I dealt with introducing myself with the TheBangedUpName. I said I would just go ahead and introduce myself as such because if I used a nickname, it would end up coming out later anyway so what the hell? He goes, "I would never introduce myself with THeBangedUpName; I would always go by my first two initials. But you know what, I didn't even want to name you TheBangedUpName. I wanted to name you Orlando."
Me:What? Why didn't you name me Orlando instead? I'm not crazy about the name, but its 10 times better than TheBangedUpName!"
SoCalledFather:That wasn't my call. Your mother for some reason wanted to make you a junior.
**BELLS GO OFF...bullshit meter!**

My father is the King of Bullshit. His subtitle is the Earl of Embellishment. I can't fathom my mom wanting to name me TheBangedUpName. It just don't match given the circumstances. So I went to the source and asked MommaCrazy...

MommaCrazy: He said what??? Shiiiiit. You know damn well that bitch wasn't nowhere around so I know you ain't believe him!

So who knows? Knowing my father, he probably came up with that name about 2 or 3 years after they split, "Yeah, Orlando! Now that is a great name for a child!" He got issues. He ain't nutty or nothing, he just lives in his own little world. The problem is, I hate my name so much, the "what if" portion just is gonna eat me alive for the next month or two.

I could have had normal name....not one that goes well with kindergarten teasing, not one that makes 12 year old girls giggle at introduction...a normal, none bodily function sounding name. **sigh** The universe can be so cruel.

NFL in Review: The Detroit Lions

2005-12-23T09:31:00.000-05:00

Good God in the Mornin'! The Detroit Lions exemplify Corporate America: blame the other guy. Matt Millen is Shit Monkey personified. He lands one of the more respected head coaches in the league and fires him even though he brought the coach in with no talent and no love from the front office. The Lions have never been a great team, but they were at least competitive. Ever since Millen's reign as General Manager the team has made one bad move after the other. Most recently being his drafting of 3 wide recievers in a row; one thinks that the Cheesecake Factory is literally that, one that has never seen a piss test that he could pass, and one that is about as durable as an old man in a whorehouse and no Viagra. On top of that, they've stuck with the same quarterback for the past 4 years and he has made no real progress. The freaky part, Detroit fans have organzied protests not only in Detroit, but damn near nationwide! Life is hard when you ain't shit...

If only the Lions looked this good...

The Dichotomy of Target and WalWart

2005-12-22T21:45:00.000-05:00

First of all, I would like to congratulate PrettyPussy(Cat) for passing her Real Estate exam. Woo Hoo!! Rock that gold jacket girl!!

So I wanted to buy a gift someone at Target today. Why Target? Anyone who reads my blog knows how much I hate Target. And because of the website my friend-in-hiding Zoph found, I hate Sam and Dem even more. I would rather go the extra 5 miles to get a crisper, more efficient, friendlier-service experience. I hate to say it, but even though the 2 giants consider themselves competitors, they have 2 different consumers. WalMart has the I-graduated-from-the-projects/trailer park customer. They really don't care what or how the shit is thrown together, as long as its priced right. Target's customer base is the minivan-mommies/Movado-watch-wearing/Whole Foods-shopping folks. I must be in the later category because I'd rather go to the proctologist than go shopping at WalMart; at least you're getting something constructive done.

And so begins the dichotomy a la Brother Kojak:

I hit the Target parking lot and found I did not have to park damn near 3 blocks away like at WalMart.

In front of the Target, are about 8 giant, red, hard plastic balls that you will always see kids climbing over as they follow their parents to the entrance. These balls also act as cart-stops. At WalFart, the only thing in front of the store are some raggedy-ass, discontinued 3rd World reject, forever-splintering (even if its plastic)playground "system". The red balls don't move at Target, but Sam and Dem know that a weak parent is sucker to whining child..

One my way in, I almost get run over nervous looking suburban mom. You know me; I chalk that shit up to Accepted Priviledge; something that could happen at either store.

Just inside, I notice the next difference (well, outside of the clean floor, walls, no roaches smoking Marlboros at the mini-McDonalds, and the increased lighting); Sam and Dem would NEVER not have shopping carts available inside. The more shit you can stack, the more Sam and Dem line their pockets. But it actually was an inconvenience because I thought I needed one. I'll manage.

This next thing has nothing to do with the store, but the clientele. No one tried to run me over with a cart or accidentally smash the shit outta me with a big ass pocketbook, or rush to get in front of me only to push their cart at a snail's pace. I actually was able to walk down the aisle without problem.

Now here's what blows my mind; even though WalFart caters to a more frugal group, why is their shit higher? I got a B-more Ravens tee (to be seen soon....hehehe) for just under $8. Boom. Similar shirt at WalFart was pushing $15.

Ok, the last and final juxtaposition. The check out line. Yeah. I get to the check out line and...wait...what is this? I have....a CHOICE?? A Choice of standing in regular line with 1 person in front of me or walking down to the very last aisle where there is an...no, can it be? Holy Monkey Shit there are TWO FUCKEN EXPRESS LINES!!!!!! I won't even GO there with Shitty Blue.
(this is where I dance in a circle in slow motion smiling and embracing myself)
I get in one of the 2. Uh oh. No price tag. Oh shit...oh no...NO!! I'm having a WalFart Flashback! I'm in line, behind Ester from Sandford and Son, and behind me is Reba McIntyre and her cretin children yelling and fighting who claim to be siblings but don't look shit alike....getting....light-headed....must....must...
TargetGirl: Sir? SIR?
Me: OhmyGodwhereEsterandDem?
TargetGirl: Excuse me?
Me: (in crazed look with sweat bubbles) huh?
TargetGirl: Huh?
Me: huh?
TargetGirl: What?
Me: Oh.
Somehow, the cashier next to her (obviously knowledgeable in the study of Shopping Primordialism) knew what the deal was and held it down before I kirked out with the flashback escalating. He looked at the tag and said "Oh. This is fine. Just type in this number (pointing) with code XYZ and that will give you the right price." Sure the FUCK enough, that was the right damn price. Shall I exemplify the Sam and Dem experience? Do I REALLY have to go there? Alright...you being hard-headed..."(loud as a mutha fucka) Hey Tadesha! Get a price check on dis shirt. Oh! And bring me a box of Stayfrees on your way back. I'm crampin' somethin' ter-rible!"
(15 minutes later...) "Damn bitch! Took you long enough! Get Tammy over here so I can leave and take care of my shit. Damn! And I JUST got these unda-wears too!

On the real though, Target seems to do a lot more community service, even if its just monetary. As far as Prince Georges County is concerned (and I have 1st hand knowledge of this), Target is the slam dunk with a score of about 5 to WalMart's 0. 5 being the number of community initiatives Target has donated to in Prince George's County. I'll always be a WalMart hater. And I don't know...WalMart bashing is becoming a fast growing enthusiasm of mine. **smile**

I'm out.

BK

Women's Underwear

2005-12-16T12:09:00.000-05:00

(blogging music: Monster, Santana)

Hello all. Finals are over, I'm still sick, but a lot less bitter. I have a few things in mind to do during the break. Odd thing is, I've just freed up a bunch of time on my schedule and I can't think of anything to blog about. So I'm going to do a random thing.

Women's Underwear: Hey...we men love them. Well, only when they are on the woman. Its just one of those things. When its time to get intimate, a woman can approach you in those cute, matching undies that drives you crazy every time.

But you know what? Fellas, they don't do it for us, they do it for themselves! Why do you think they buy matching sets? Do make it look good for us? Men, let's be for real, our clothes only match because women want our clothes to match. Do you know what women are doing in the morning after their showers? Putting on their undies and posing. Its a damn shame, man. They're in there looking at how their butts look in the panties, if the bra increases her bust line or pushes up her boobs, or if she shaved close enough around the bikini line(if she cares). So fellas, stop getting siced when you see her bouncing around in the undies; it damn sure aint for you.

I realize that I miss Christmas parties. How very odd. I was talking to PrettyPussy(Cat) about that the other day and trying to explain how you don't miss something until its gone. I currently work for a university. Our Christmas party was during the workday where the boss channeled off about 2-3 hours for us to eat and do that weird gift swap thing. What's it called...Christmas Bingo? Anyway, we did that and that was cool. But when compared the "Do 'Em Up" Christmas parties of the past when I worked for Lockheed Martin or the Suburban Hospital That's Not In the Suburbs (SHiTNIS). At SHitNIS, the doctors would pay for a small ballroom or rent the majority space of a restaurant so that we could eat and dance. That was always fun because you got see some of the FYNE sista's ugly ass boyfriends (am I hatin'?), see how the supervisors acted when they got a little buzzed, or noticed how people danced. It was a real good time and people got talked about hard the following Monday. The Lockheed parties were a little different. Its such a huge company and I worked for such a small division that was a division of Homeland Security. Very lavish; a great setting for me to act bad as usual. We would sit there with our wives smiling all the while nudging each other under the table when we saw someone fine come along. This is going to sound arrogant, but one party I was the source of a few whispers. THe DJ played the gamit of music that (and when he played go-go music, it was time for my ass to leave)went from Bing Crosby to Lil' Jon. Evidently he did a visual scan of the room and saw there there were enough latinos to play some salsa and merengue. The Mrs and I got up and did our thing for a few songs. When I got back, my boy says "Ahhh...Senor Kojak. You have a fan club, dude!"
Me: Huh?
KeefAndDem: yeah. See them honeys over there? Those 4, one with the blus spaghetti strap dress?
Me: Oooooh yeah! She bangin'!
KeefAndDem: Yeah. That's them. Her and her crew were checking you and your wife dance like 'Damn! They dance like they know what they doing!'
Me: (pimp laugh) Eh he eh he eh HE! Well pimp, I guess a playa need to not put all his styles in the streets, huh? N'yamean?

**sigh** I want to go on vacation. I want to get outta town and act a fool. So much so that I would feel compelled to go to the mosque upon my return. Ain't THAT some shit!I got issues.

I'm also running out of things to blog. Or at least, things that are worthy of being blogged. Lets hope that I get off my ass and start doing some of the things that could be interesting to blog about. I COULD talk about the fact that I'm the shit-talking-est, no coochie-getting-est kat I know. It's a damn shame too. All dat damn mouth. The one thing a married man wants that none are willing to admit is that "let's play" effect on women. You want to be able to flirt and get the blush with the smile. I get the eye roll, sucking of the teeth, accompanied by the proverbial exclamation point "Nigga, please!". But, tonight is the typical Daddy Duty Sat.; writing in my blog and watching my son read a damn book. UGH. Vegas, a bottle of Gran Marnier, and 2 Brasillian girls who don't speak English but think I'm Danny Fortson from the Seattle SuperSonics (see post before last) are calling me!!

The Bobs

2005-12-15T05:50:00.000-05:00

"Your name is Michael Bolton? Like the singer? Oh, man!"

You are "the Bobs".

You are basically in a position of power. With the
ability to fire people at will, you can make
them do almost anything you want. Like forcing
someone to lie about their true feelings for
adult contemporary artists.

Which Office Space Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

TTTT

2005-12-13T02:06:00.000-05:00

Tell The Truth Tuesday

Fucken finals. I hate EVERYBODY! That's my TTTT.

Oops. That wasnt anonymous. fuck it. Y'all know the drill. Peace

Your Twin

2005-12-10T09:22:00.000-05:00

Alright! We've all heard the phrase "you must have a twin or something because I just say you at...." Well, thanks to Reese the Law Girl , one of my twins plays pro ball. Some of you know what I look like. I think this kat is pretty much me in a suit and half a goatee. Feedback?

The culprit.

What's Coming Up

2005-12-08T10:12:00.000-05:00

Hey! TTTT was funny as hell the other day! Thanks for your contributions. And speaking of contributions, make sure you give a little this season. It was great that so many of you gave to the victims of Katrina, at the same time, there is crisis right in your own backyard. Every little bit counts and if you can't think of an organization to give a little to, be creative. One thing I used to do when I was a tutor was donate to the "Lunch Money Fund". Of course, this didn't really exist but the principal would use that cash from us to help the kids who would run out of lunch money pay for lunch. Real basic, but it makes a difference. And that's something easy that can be done all year long.

Now, back to my own selfish endeavors. I have asked a couple of you to help me with my NFL Wrap Up. Those of you who said that you would contribute, please email me your goodies sooner than later. Excited as I am? Probably not...

Other business, Neckbone, if you are reading this, email me. My address is in my profile. I have a cool idea to present to you.

Its wintertime, and as usual, i bitch about the east coast weather. Man, this is some ol' bullshit! I hate the cold! What I need to do is graduate and find me a job in Miami. I think I could thrive there because its a facetious, cubano town; 2 things I am not. Given that the weather and scenery is beautiful down there, I could be entertained on that. Also given that I wouldn't really fit in, I would be able to focus on career and family and stay out of trouble. See? Its perfect!

When it comes to music, my knowledge-base is more geared towards R&B than anything else. Not because its my favorite genre of music, but because I've exposed to it more. What I notice in R&B is that it is sometimes not as dynamic as other genres. Like in the 70's, Stevie Wonder was the Producer Extrordinaire (PE). Then Nigel Rogers of Chic fame who probably is the most prolific because he to this day STILL has his hands is music production. Roger Troutman (God rest ya life) was a standout for a minute. Then came Gene Griffin who ACTUALLY was stealing styles from his protege son Teddy Riley. And some of us know Teddy Riley from Guy, Wrecks N' Effect, and Black Street fame. his resume is diverse. He even produced and arranged a song for Boy George. Go figure. Right behind him would have to be Timbaland who actually claimed to be the Teddy Riley of the 90's. Now its Mr. Bighead himself, Kanye West. This is kat is so self-absorbed his MC name should be SpongeBob. At the same time, he produces results.

Uh....why I brought all that up I don't know.

I just had a talk with a woman about feminism. I was facinated because this chic reminds me of June Cleaver 2000. Likes to cook, clean, and all that domestic shit. At the same time she strongly believes in the empowerment of women sans the bra burning. It is her opinion that that part of feminism ruined the movement. She believes in the No More Than, No Less Than philosophy. I think her way of thinking is actually making a comeback. Women of today look at their aunts and 2nd cousins who are childless and still single yet have all the loot they could ever want. They see them showing up to family gatherings alone, cell phone pressed to the ear. They see them break out the pics of their pugs or himalayan cats when others pull out family albums. Maybe thats the life they have chosen, maybe not. Women are looking at women like Heidi Klum and Catherine Zeta Jones, pretty women who can still be mommies. (Sorry, those are the only examples I could think of)

Man, I'm done. I'll holla.

TTTT Time

2005-12-06T07:45:00.000-05:00

It's Tell The Truth Tuesday (sporatic, yes...but I'm trying!)

You will be able to comment anonomously today and please guys....can we PLEASE have more comments today than spam ads? Thanks.

BK

Don't Call US Dogs!

2005-11-27T11:59:00.000-05:00

"Men are dogs!"
"Men ain't shit!"
"Men ain't good shit except one thing, and sometimes they ain't no good at that!"
"Pass the Haagen-Daz!"

These are sentences that we all have used or have heard from women. And hey, that's ok because some of us ain't about shit. However, I want to put it all into perspective as to why women keep getting beat in the head (figurately) by us menz.

Today I got off my fat ass and started running regiment. Afterwards, the Offspring and I went to the super market to get some bananas and pb&j. As I was walking in, I caught an exiting woman checking out my "package". I didn't catch her until late because when I made eye contact she was almost past me.
Now before I get blasted with comments from the Peanuthead Gallery (and you KNOW who you are!), Let me tell you how I was dressed.
grey Columbia Fleece pullover
red Under Armour mock underneath
black running tights
black shorts over tights
black running shoes

Now...not the most provocative attire, is it? I mean, I've been told women look all the time, but maybe its the power of the dizzat that gets you guys irritated and mad at us men. Yes? No? Somewhere there in the middle?

Topics 1& 2: For The White Girls Only

2005-11-26T06:32:00.000-05:00

Uh oh. Looks as though I may have stepped on some pink toes with this one. Before you read this, please keep in mind this is another one of my tasteless humor entries that was supposed to be funny. I thought it was funny, but as I was told earlier "...you come up like a big, black, mad racist." Au contrar (sp?);I just have some major issues when it comes to social ills. So please, read this with the usual smirk followed by a laugh while you think "What an asshole."

This post is a little overdue. My daily juggle has made it difficult to address, but for the sake of the White Women of America it is necessary. If you are not a white woman, you may want to go run and get that hot dog from 7-11, check out what Neckbone or Bowman has been talking about, or catch that Law & Order rerun on the USA network.

Ok...can we gather up front please? Let's all sit on the floor in the form of a circle with our legs folded Indian style, ok? And yes, there is warm hot chocolate on the table up here too. Oooh...oooh! Don't forget the marshmellows! They're on the table next to the carafe. They are just great, aren't they? Ok! Are we ready? Oh...we have a couple of straglers....down here girls! That's right....GREAT to have you! Ok! So lets have a talk amongst ourselves so that we can come to terms with ourselves and maybe even bond! Wouldn't that be great? Ok!

White Women of America, I'm not going to keep you long. I know you have JUST finished with Thanksgiving and having to clean the cranberry sauce that your neice smeared on your nice table cloth....the Christmas shopping that needs to be done, the charity drive at work. But White Women of America, I'm concerned. You and I have had a few empasses over the years that we should discuss.

Hey White Women of America, if I'm crossing the street and you are driving and slowing to a stop, can I get the same stopping distance that you would give your aunt or your grandmother? White Women of America, we both know I'm Black, we both know that Black men have a propencity to be nibble-a-foot, but White Women of America, I am equally afraid of large, rapidly moving vehicles. Can I get that White Women of America? Just because I'm Black doesn't mean that I am Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is's boyfriend. That is not your opportunity to initiate your vendetta on Shaquanna-from-the-office-pool-who-I-can't-stand-because-she-rolls-her-eyes-at-me-for-no-reason-doesn't-she-know-I-have-a-degree-and-she-doesnt-and-I-am-pretty-much-her-boss-too-so-who-the-hell-does-she-think-she-is. She and I probably don't even know each other! Do you understand that? Can I get that?

White Women of America, if I say "hi" to you in passing on the street, it doesn't mean I want to fuck you. Hey, I may just be in a good mood. White Women of America, please realize that the myths aren't really true. Not every Black man covets a White woman. That was a myth derived from the slavery age. You all are beautiful in your own unique ways, but in all honesty, (and I have to revert to slang) I got some good shit on lock. The "shit" I am referring to is what you can call...oh let's call it coochimus awesomeus. White Women of America, I would say at least half of the Black men who say "hi" to you on the street don't want to fuck you. You may just be in the way and that is their way of saying "excuse me" or "could you please get your narra ass outta the way?" Or, just like me, he may just want to say "hi". At the same time, a man is a man so there are some who want you; regardless of race. So if I see you on the street and say "hi", could you reply back please? You can keep your eyes forward, you can keep walking forward, but everyone from the President of the United States to the bum on the street deserves acknowledgement when they speak.

Is everyone still comfortable? Get comfie and don't worry...I'm almost done.

Ummmm....White Women of America (prticularly of the East Coast), it's almost wintertime. No matter how fashionable flip-flops were this summer, the Summer of 2005 is gone. Please stop wearing them. Your pink toes seem to look so tortured with the now Welcome To Canada, Eh? winds coming in. Please either box them up, or better yet just toss them. White Women of America, it's over. Move on please.

White Women of America, (and this is soooooo applicable to this time of year)if you see me in a store aisle and you need to get by, the best way to do that is to say "excuse me". The following actions do not work on me, White Women of America:
1.) Just standing there and waiting until I see you and decide to move out of
your way.
2.) Just standing there sighing increasingly louder and waiting until I see you
and decide to move out of your way.
3.) Standing there and gradually moving closer until you ASSUME that you are so
close that I have no other choice but to move out of the way.
Now, White Women of America, what happened to the wonderful manners your kintergarden teacher taught you? She taught you those for a reason and the same rules should apply in adult case scenarios as well.

Ok, I'm done! That wasn't that bad, was it? Hey, let's give everybody a big hand for listening and participating, ok? **clapping** C'mon! You can clap louder than that! That's it, that's it!

Alright! Let's have some more cocoa...

Experimental...(Jazz?)

2005-11-14T16:17:00.000-05:00

409 Charles St. The An die Musik. That's the spot to go to for some jazz or small ensemble classical. Nice ambiance. Kinda Philadelphia-ish if you ask me. I decided to go there last Sat. to get me a little taste. I sat there, and the musicians made their entrances. There was a violinist, a trumpet player, a upright bassist, and a drummer. I was think "THIS...should be tight." The introduced themselves; the drummer placed the sticks over the snare, the trumpeter puckered his lips to the mouthpiece, the voilinist set the violin to his chin, the bass player took a deep breath and then......

Chaos.

pure.
unadulterated.
Chaos.

The bass player was doing his own shit, so was the the trumpeter, so was the violinist, and so was the drummer. I know a little about music and it seemed like the voilinist and trumpeter were trying to mock and or follow each. That's all well and good but the bass player and drummer were doing their own thing. Given all that, it was still entertaining. Not the music, but the reactions of the audience. There was this woman sitting in front of me; during the entire performance she was a nervous wreck. That was mostly due to the drummer's crazy and continous solos that included very loud rimshots and cymbol shots. It was great! She looked like a crack addict; everytime the drummer would hit a hard rimshot she would jump and she had this nervous twitch with her hand and ear. Oh MAN it was funny! When the band stood up, I think she left the room before they did.

Ok. I'm late on the draw with blogging. It'll only get worse for the next couple weeks. Finals are in 2 weeks. The dreamjobs I applied for....0 for 2. **sigh** Its all to the Good though. I have more option in the same industry.

Let me see, what else...I'm very content right now. For a variety of reasons. Life is good. I guess to give an example without going into too much detail is how 2 men told me in same day that I was a good man and appreciated. That felt good.

Happy Gobble Gobble!

Topic 13: Indecent Proposals

2005-11-12T08:41:00.000-05:00

This is the 3rd damn time I've tried to do this entry. Thats another reason why I havent posted in so long. UGH! So, to continue my bad blogger habits, I'm going to abbreviate what I was writing.

Way back when, I asked a woman what her fantasy was. She told me it was a 3some with 2 men. My response was "Wow. Can you handle that?"
"Sure," she said. "But they have to be there for me. I'm
the one that is supposed to be having the fantasy."
"So you are just gonna be there while they are all over your?" I asked.
"Basically" she replied.
"Hmmph!"
"Yeah. So....?" she asked.
"So what?"
"You..interested?"
"Huh? Me? No siiiir. Me no sword fight. We don't do THAT!"
"Nobody asked you to 'sword fight' as you call it. You just be there for me and please me while he pleases me."
" No siiiiir. What if his thing touch me?"
"Oh, stop being retarded. And what if it does? That's not going to make you instantly gay!"
"I don't know. It might do! No thanks. You are lovely, but uh....naw man."

A few weeks later...

ME: ...so I was like wtf??? This girl was on some ol' different shit.

TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Hmmm. What did YOU say?

ME: I told her I don't get down like that. But the main turn-off was that she wasn't going to do much besides lay there.

TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: So what if you had a woman who would be off the chain with hers?

ME: In a 3some?

TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Yeah.

ME: Hmmm...I don't know. If she could "Bring the Noise, Bring The Funk", sure. Maybe. I think I would have to be highly intoxicated though.

TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Hehehehe. So what do you drink?

ME: Huh?

TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: What do you drink? I mean, if we are hanging in the streets, AND you get a little tipsy, AND something jumps off, well, might as well call a friend, right?

ME: Sonya!!!! You get down like that too?!?!??!

TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Not like everyday, but...you know. Every now and then you gotta shake the pot. If we kickin' it, why NOT call my man for a little twist on the fun?

ME: **mouth gaping**

TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: I mean, she obviously knows something I don't, and I'm curious to know what she knows.

ME: **mouth still gaping**

TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: And if she DOESN'T know, I'd like to beat her to the punch. You down?

ME: **mouth STILL gaping**

TheFreakWhoYouWouldntKnowOnTheStreets: Say something! You know what, forget it. You are stuck on some dumb shit like you a choir boy or something. BTW, close your mouth. I just saw a couple of flys buzzing around.

ME: **took me about 20 minutes to close my mouth**

I'm Still Here

2005-11-11T09:04:00.000-05:00

Chaos man. Chaos. School for a 30-Something'er will do that to you. This week I had a test I was busting my ass for. Next week I have a quiz and 2 projects so I'm only blogging today because I love you guys.

There will be no theme to this entry; just random shit off the cuff.

Wow I'm Touched: Yesterday I was talking to an aquiantance and she and I were catching up. Towards the end of the conversation, she told me she was proud of me. I asked her what for. Her response was that when she met me I was at a low point in life. No job, no stable place to stay, no car, and a smashed marriage. After the updates, she was impressed that I managed to turn my life around and am still moving forward.
Remember when you were a kid and you would get praised? You'd beam like a spotlight and show off all the missing teeth in your head. Yesterday was the same thing all over again for me.

Things I Want to Do After I Graduate: I want to get back to my music roots. When I was in a rap/breakin' group called the Classic 3. No, I don't plan on pulling out the cardboard and bustin' a move, but I want to get some compositon software and get at it. I'm also going to rekindle my affair with my girl Sheila**. My girl Bessy Lou has one foot in the grave, so I'm going to have to get a new bitch.***

What I"m Drooling Over: The 2006 Dodge Charger Daytona R/T.
This car just does it for me. I've yet to be able to save enough money for the REAL Dodge Charger, and I can't see myself financing a 40 year old vehicle. So, my dream is to get the Charger, and give it an old school paint job and look. Hopefully, I will be able to buy and post the entire project on here.

But don't hold your breath. I ain't!

**My EA-6 Washburn guitar.
***Bessy Lou was my sax for over 10 years.

TTTT

2005-10-25T07:54:00.000-04:00

I want to post something but I am not done with my topics. Therefore, I will steal an idea from the local radio station and call it Tell The Truth Tuesday (TTTT). What I will do is temporarily allow anonymous entries until tomorrow. This Tues., let's do it ad hoc. This post will be Confessional. Everyone is "listening", but no one knows the identities. Ready? Go.

Is It Monday Yet?

2005-10-24T08:48:00.000-04:00

I hope to GOD y'all had a better weekend than I did. Let me take that back...my weekend was good, but it definitely had its frustrating moments. My weekend was so “blogful” that I'm going to have to put them in topics and blog about them at some other time. Here we go:

White women. Talk to your fellow sisters. When you are in a crowded area and need to get by, the best gesture is to say “excuse me” or “pardon me”. Accepted Priviledge doesn't work on everyone.
White women. Talk to your fellow sisters. It is now Fall on the East Coast. The average temperature is 60 degrees. Let go of the flip flops. slide them off, put them in the back of the closet until next summer. Its just too cold for them shits. If you are wearing fuchia and cream, you pink toes don't match anyway.
Neighborhood gentrification is going to be one of the underlying root factors of the next American social upheaval.
Disappointing a friend has got to be one of the most painful emotional feelings next to death because that transmission of disappointment from one person to the other is as instantaneaous as a light switch.
women hate me once a month.
$600 can get you a“ 'Round the World” about 4 times over on the Block, but it can't even you a hand job from your wife.
My homophobia is diminishing. This weekend is the true test.
The topic of squirting has GOT to be the most bizarre way to begin a conversation.
I'm sexy as HELL! (Well, except for my MITTS, 40 year chic-like butt, tribal looking stretch marks, my black volley ball stomach...)
if you are a sexy sex symbol such as the Rock, never use the word “tummy”.
Women. Call us men what you want, but lipstick lesbians are a turn on.
Speaking of lesbianism, the good ol' 3some. That's one hard deal to sell, jack.
Speaking of 3somes, indecent proposals always throw me for a curve.

Ok, so y'all merinate on dat! I got a midterm and a presentation, but fret not. These topics will be covered.

HNT...Is the SHIT!!

2005-10-21T13:58:00.000-04:00

I should be studying
I should be pondering the universe and self
No sir!

Today is Friday and it's slow. Yesterday was Thursday. Say no more!

Y'all have a great weekend.

Early Morning Convo with Offspring

2005-10-20T07:14:00.000-04:00

I don't think I mentioned this, but I'm fasting for the Islamic holy month Ramadan. This means I can't eat or drink anything from sun up til sundown. What usually happens is that a Muslim will try and gorge him/herself at night until sunrise. I can't do that, so I've just been loosing all kinds of sleep. What I do is eat at sunset and then wake up about 4:30 and make me a PHAT breakfast. Wednesday morning the Offspring woke to join me for the feast. He seems to be fascinated by my childhood. I learned that my elementary school and his elementary school have the same mascot, the owl. Below is the craziest part of the convo.

Offspring: **laughing** You sounded like Toyman from that Superfriends video.

Me: You mean like your Uncle Toyman? (Glueman looked like the Superfriends cartoon character Toyman when he was trying on Under Armour)++

Offspring: **laughing** We watched that video the other day. It was weird watching that old cartoon with the commercials and stuff.

Me: Commercials? The video had commercials in it?

Offspring: No, but you told me about some of the commercials when you were a kid.

Me: Huh? Why did you just say....nevermind. Yeah, commercials were a lot different back then. They used to lie to us all the time. Like, GI Joe. Now, when you see a GI Joe commercial, the kids are playing with it and making all the sounds and what not. Back then, they would fake you out HARD, man! GI Joe would make all the cool sounds. Move without you touching him, talk. **In commercial voice** "GI Joe Super Duper ParaTrooper!! With real parachute!" Then you'd see all these GI Joe's falling out of the sky and all these kids in a backyard looking up saying "Look! GI Joe is falling from the sky! Yeaaaa!" It was messed up, man.

Offspring: What about that other commercial; with the cardinal?

Me: Oh the one where he was singing and flying like he was drunk? Man!

Offspring: **laughing and singing the song** Yeah. That one.

Me: Let me think if there are any more....do y'all have Smokey the Bear?

Offspring: Yeah. He is on commercials, posters at schoool, all that stuff.

Me: Hmmm! Some things just don't change. What's he look like now?

Offspring: He's big and built like this **flexing muscles**. He carries around a shovel. One commercial he went to a camper's fire and poured water over the fire. The campers were like **making surprise face**

Me: **laughing** Man, when I was a kid, Smokey the Bear was a straight punk. He would always be in the commercials saying "Please. Don't start forest fires." And then start crying.
Fire all over the place and he crying. Its a shame I tell you!

Offspring: **laughing** Don't just stand there crying, DO SOMETHING!

Me: Exactly!
**both laughing**

++ IN the Toyman link, Toyman is the one with the freaky black and gold costume.

Adventures in Homophobia

2005-10-15T11:02:00.000-04:00

In the Brother Kojak News....
This baseball thing seems to be picking up steam. Things are happening in the positive direction and its very exciting. I observe that one of my shortcomings is my belief in people based on race. It amazes me that I, a black man, and the leader of white men. One top of that, so far I'm the only brother on the team. Even MORE amazing than that, I'm the only one that thinks its a big deal. I share this thought with others and the reaction is "Oh. I guess you're right." That tells me a couple things; our society has come further than I think or I'm more of a natural leader (in general) than I thought.

One of my weaknesses is what our society calls homophobia. I am not afraid of homosexuals, it just freaks me out to see a man all up on a man or a man happily dressed like a woman. Wow. I'll never understand that. Women....are the bomb. Especially when they...

Mmm. Anyway, my cousin is having a costume party and when she told me some of her gay couple friends would be there, I double-taked. Immediately, I thought of who would go with me to run interference given that Mrs. Kojak would be working. Hmmm....

Candidates?
**crickets chirping in the background.**
I ask my friend Renaissance to come with me as Mrs. T (the party theme is the 80's and Mr. and Mrs. T was a classic Saturday Night Live spoof). No dice, lesbians either love her or hate so that no need in anybody getting their ass kicked.

I told CrazyHair about the party, and she and some of her crew are with it. Huge sigh of relief. Proof of my "homophobia" is this IM chat with my man Zoph!.

Conversation with whereiszoph

brotherkojak: oh boy....(after reading his intro)
brotherkojak: you are totally GONE!
brotherkojak: I have a question for you
Zoph!: geez... everybody is messaging me all at once
Zoph!: gone?
brotherkojak: smitten
Zoph!: I didn't do it
brotherkojak: oh! I was about to say!
brotherkojak: everything alright up there?
Zoph!: yeah... a little hectic
Zoph!: trying to get back into homework and all that
Zoph!: books coming a little late
Zoph!: still need one
Zoph!: oddly enough... the cheapest one
brotherkojak: damn that sucks
Zoph!: I guess....
Zoph!: need to get more sleep this weekend than last
brotherkojak: lol. u party?
Zoph!: unfortunately, not yet
Zoph!: they're still doing odds and ends around the apartment... that's a pain... the one manager is really pissed at the other one for taking so long
brotherkojak: not yet...sounds like u gonna have 2 wait homeboy
Zoph!: 3 Halloween parties coming up at the end of the month
brotherkojak: KOOL
brotherkojak: i have 1 to go to, but my cousin is throwing it and she just happens to be gay.
Zoph!: should be.... interesting
brotherkojak: man please
Zoph!: gay guys are good guys though... I know 2
Zoph!: music education and architect
brotherkojak: this 1 couple (2 dudes) are coming as Peaches And Herb
brotherkojak: (old school..look it up)
Zoph!: mmmm yeah... before my time
brotherkojak: lol
Zoph!: which one is going to be peaches?
brotherkojak: shit! who cares!
brotherkojak: its 2 dudes!!!
brotherkojak: if I go, I'm going as Mr.T.
Zoph!: I was thinking about doing that for 'ween as a joke
brotherkojak: you should do it!
Zoph!: that or Jack the Pumpkin King from The Nightmare Before Christmas
brotherkojak: i missed that one
Zoph!: I need to find lots of gaudy rings and jewelry though.... if I'm going to be Mr. T
Zoph!: the mohawk is easy
brotherkojak: ditto
brotherkojak: lol....I have to be creative with my mohawk
Zoph!: you'll be the rastafarian Mr. T
brotherkojak: LOL!! right right
brotherkojak: "I pity the fool!...mon"
Zoph!: ha
brotherkojak: gotta go. I'll see you at the Million Man Movement

I Have Not!....Abandoned...

2005-10-11T17:40:00.000-04:00

My blog. School is kicking my ass. Wife is kicking my ass. Pain is kicking my ass. Doesnt matter, I dont really have anything cool to blog about. I did the silliest thing the past 2 weekends; I did back to back trips to VA Beach. Duh! It ain't THAT poppin' down there. The 2 trips were for 2 different occasions. Glueman and I went down there to get away and act retarded, which we did. Me and Mrs. Kojak went down there to iron some things out and for her to attend a conference.

I also haven't read any blogs either. I think because I'm at a point in my new job where they are testing me to see what else I'm capable of. Right now, I have to write a documentation specified for the University of installing a Blackberry. And yes, that is due. Thursday. Terrific.

OH! Also my ass was to the fire the other day. I have aspirations for this one particular type of job and job announcements are privy to only a select few. Well, I got one and luckily I let Glueman in on the deal what was up because he read it and said "Oh shit! Do you realize that this is due in 2 days??" Hmmm...2 days to have this thing mailed. Hmmmm. Well, there's always FedEx, right?
Yeah, right. I called them and to get the application packet from B-more to DC by close of business would cost me $52 for the 1st 15 miles and $2 for every mile there after:
MATH CLASS TIME!!
15 miles = $52 dollars **constant**
42 miles to DC from B-more, 84 miles roundtrip
84 miles - 15miles = 69 miles
69 miles * 2 damn dollars/mile = 138 damn dollars
therefore...
138 damn dollars + **constant**
= 138 damn dollars + $52 = 190 damn dollars (plus tax)
*Note: damn dollars > dollars

So I really wasn't rolling like that, so I had to take it to the streets.
**I pick up the phone and dial**
BastanteRojo: Hello
Me: What up, dog?
BastanteRojo: Oh shit. What the fuck YOU want?
Me: Damn man. Why it gotta be all that?
BastanteRojo: You know don't nobody trust you. What you plotting?
Me: Man, I'm just tryin' to get a favor from a brotha.
BastanteRojo: Greeeat! How many of my offspring is it gonna cost me?
Me: See? There YOU go! Talkin' all that shit. You gonna help me out? I mean, I need your help for real for real.
BastanteRojo: Aight. Where is this place.
Me: Just in DC.
BastanteRojo: Ahhh! Ok. Is this a legitimate address? This ain't meeting Pookie in the alley or no shit like that is it?
Me: MAN!!!

So, after a lot of cajoling, BastanteRojo hooked me up and dropped the joint off for me. Good looking out!!

There is an old saying that my grandfather used to say when he wasn't scolding me, "anything worth having ain't worth nothing if somebody gave it to you."

Peace out.
BK

Today I.....

2005-09-29T22:26:00.000-04:00

Today I...

Brother Kojak

Today I laughed...

at the ridiculousness of posturing.

why posture when you are posturing for things that matter

only in the minds of a few?

why posture over a dream that is not yours but a dream of many?

Laughter

Today I faltered...

as I've grow older

indecision becomes less acceptable

ironically enough

I accept it even less from others.

Hesitation

Today I cried...

as I realized where I've come from

what I've been through

and where I am.

I've been blessed and I'm happy to say so

Tears.

Today I reflected...

with the opinion of my friend

who in her own way is an insider looking out

at a world that is mine but will never be hers

Reflection

Today I anguished...

over the youth who I've been there for

and who've been there for me.

their pictures have planted a burning image in my soul

their youthful faces

their laughter

their ravenous appetites for everything!

all masking the chaos of their daily worlds

temporarily shielded by the services

and the environment I helped provide.

I miss you guys.

Anguish

and yet tomorrow

I will be...again.

School Sucks

2005-09-24T12:35:00.000-04:00

Or maybe its just my schedule. I have 2 classes back to back in the same room from 5:30 to 10:30. Wed. I have class from 5:30-8:30 in the same room. Sucks. its very tiring given that I go to workout early in the morning, work, then have school. On the 3 days I dont have a formal workout, I have baseball practice. This week I guess my body was like "hell no!" because I missed the workout 2 days in a row. But I dont feel anywhere near as tired which is good too because I have a test on Wed. I dont have much to blog, just blogging in case you guys missed me. Soon I will have a guest blogger. My man Zoph from the Illadelph will be writing to describe his summer experience with yours truly. This should be rich.

What else is going on? That's about it. I'm so glad to hear that my Texan friends are ok after Rita's rolled thru. Unfortunately, it seems she kicked New Orleans in the teeth. From the little bit of engineering background I have, I think they may have to start from scratch for at least SOME of the areas down there. Its evident that the initial civil engineering was unproductively creative at best. Civil engineering technology nowadays is way past some big ass levees. Its time to implememt.

You wanna talk about selfish? Man, all those southern evacuees and you know what my biggest worry has been this weekend? Activating my new phone. Its a Samsung Palm phone, and from all the headaches I've initially had from it, its gonna be worth its weight in gold. First I get it, and couldn't download the drivers to it. That means no syncing Outlook. Tried that on 2 computers. No dice. Ok, then I decide to walk to the Sprint store and have them transfer my numbers and change my phone number to a local area code. No dice. They couldnt do the number change because its a palm phone. They couldn't do the phone number change because Sprint no longer allows stores to do number changes. 20 minutes in line for nothing. Then today, I try and change my phone number, did so sucessfully, but too bad I was on the middle of a highway so I couldnt follow thru. I tried changing the number according to the customer rep's instructions, no dice. So I call the help line. 45 minutes on holdwith no operator. I go study with my girl CrazyHair and while I wanted to kick the shit out of her yelping, over-priced puppy, I called Sprint again only to get a customer rep. who gave me another Sprint number. THAT number was the number to Sprint technical services....FOR SPRINT EMPLOYEES. How the FUCK am I supposed to get service from the employee service line when I ain't no damn employee??? Stupid ass.
So finally I get a service rep who knows what the hell he is doing. Now I have to figure out how to get these drivers to work for the PDA. Damn, you'd never know that I did this shit for a living....

As The Mind Wanders

2005-09-14T17:25:00.000-04:00

As I am writing this, I’m struggling to stay awake in my 1st class of the evening. Man…I was trying to eat well today, but I think I over did it. Especially given what I did. I joined the gym’s Boot Camp. 3 days a week, ½ an hour each day of ballbusting hell. All I ate all day was a protein bar with coffee, tuna fish sub and a pretzel. Not a whole lot of fuel when you are tired. The class is worth it though. We do strength-training, agility, and power which is just a little different from the strength training. We have a really diverse class too; a dean, a couple of administrators, and me, jonny low-on-the-totem-pole. Won’t go thru all the different excercises but I tell you one of my weird habits. I wear the tight running tops. Not because I’m cut like that. Not even close. I wear them to remind myself of how shitty a physique I have so I can work harder. When you are down on the floor and in push-up position and you look in the mirror and see that gut damn near touching the ground, you get that extra push-up going.

My new mistress, Fall Ball is going great (to me at least). Damn, I don’t remember if I mentioned that. I’ve got a couple of guys together to play baseball at school. Yesterday was our 1st practice. We weren’t even on a baseball field, but we have batting practice (BP) and a little fielding practice. I pitched BP. Damn if felt good. Adult sports in a team environment. No kids. No girlfriends. I almost got a “no chic around” hard on. We men get those from events like this; watching wrestling matches with the fellas, card night (farts included), weight-lifting in full sweat and so on. Friday is the next practice with Happy Hour to follow. I get siced! I may have picks for a select few of y’all. Some of you already know the link. I should have it updated tomorrow.

The catch phrase is “Don’t you agree with me here?”